Dating With Dignity

Often women meet men to whom they are attracted, yet seem to “freeze” when the man shows he is interested.  It’s not that she doesn’t know how to flirt, she has done her “flirt” thing effectively, but when, in fact, Mr. Available moves forward and reciprocates, she feels awkward, uncomfortable and confused.

There are a variety of possible feelings to consider that maybe be at the cause of the “freeze” including:

1.  The Limiting Belief that he wants her “only for sex,” which causes her to pull-away and activates any residual baggage regarding men, her worth or her inability to say, “no.”

2.  The fear that she will now have to keep him interested, and she is unsure or lacks confidence on her ability to be successful.

3.  She is filled with self doubt, and is thus too scared to explore the possibility of dating, having to set appropriate boundaries, or get engaged in something that at some point could include rejection, hurt, or failure.

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It’s Monday dignity daters, and that means it’s time for the much loved Question and Answer blog. In response to the much anticipated ASK the Expert call this Thursday from 6:00-7:00 pm PST with America’s “What’s Next expert, Lisa Steadman, we have received many questions regarding image, first date tips, and suggested scripts to ensure you get the 2nd date.

To wet your appetite, take a look at these 10 tips designed to help you empower yourself to take control of dating in 2010. In preparation for designing your next date, set a specific intention before you meet someone new. Be proactive! Design your date by embracing your feminine power. Instead of reacting to your perceptions of what he might think or feel, ensure that you stay in the moment, bringing your authentic, soft and compassionate side to the table. Take your intention to the next level by incorporating these tips into the intention you set. The result? Increased confidence, self love, and dating success.

10. Don’t dress to promote your wing wang or your sexy thang! Your image shouts who you are, AND what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship, wear something that says you are classy AND sexy. Remember, the right guy who is also looking for the real deal wants a woman he can bring home to mom.

9. Don’t suggest where to go, what to do, or tell him exactly what you want to do on the date. Men need to be empowered to be men. Let him call the shots! Even of he asks, tell him to suprise you!

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It’s Christmas Eve Day, and quite frankly while I am really feeling blessed and blissed, I am also frustrated!  I haven’t seen my kids in more than one week (they are with their dad) and for someone who is a recovering control freak, I hate feeling so “out of control.”  This is the time where I remember to take my own advice, and step out of this victim, ick feeling and begin to feel grateful for the incredible relationship I typically have with my kids’ father, the friends who love me here in Maui and at home, and the fact that my boyfriend is supportive of me despite my complaining (even though these days he is slightly obsessed with the 40 foot waves that are expected on the North Shore of Maui on Christmas Day!)  Knowing all this, he is not responsible for “getting me out of this mood,” nor is the sunshine, the gym or the tray of chocolates on the dining room table.  I get to be responsible for me, for transforming this day into one of calm, peace and gratitude.  I am going to forgive myself for agreeing to this vacation schedule with my ex-husband without really looking closely at the dates, jump into the day, and make it incredible!

Now, on to the guest blog, written by David Shade.  While it has nothing to do with Christmas, per se, it does for me.  It was on Christmas Eve, six years ago, that I was madly in love with the consummate bad boy.  He was all these things.  Sometimes he was worse.  Sometimes he was better.  I tell people, “he was the best, worst thing that ever happened to me” because the pain I suffered as a result of this relationship was debilitating.  The good news is that it took me to the depths of myself, forcing me to pick myself up, transform my thinking, and take back control of my life.

My wish is for you to take control of your life in 2010.  I’m here to support you on the journey.  In the meantime, I’m going to smile, post this blog, breathe deeply, and do what is necessary to enjoy the warm Maui breeze

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Aloha Dignity Daters!  I’m sitting on the Lanai this morning preparing to work with coaching clients and am confident today’s guest blog, written by nationally recognized dating expert, David Wygant, comes at the perfect time for some of you.  I love David’s no-nonsense approach, and in this blog David will help you see why it’s important to not only love yourself,  but forgive the little mistakes, and live from a place of abundance.  Enjoy…..

Dating is a process a lot of us really can live without.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that can drive you to drink four year-old bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade from the back of your refrigerator.  There are so many ups and downs in dating.

Here is a list of some of the most frustrating dating ups and downs, and how to feel better about them:

1)    We made out in the parking lot and they never called again. Making out is fun!  You needed it. They needed it.  Don’t beat yourself up that you did it, just realize you did it.  You needed some tonsil hockey and to cop a feel.  Be okay with it.  It was a great date.  You were in the moment, and you experienced something that you wanted to do.
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Happy Wednesday Dignity Daters! I am blessed to be enjoying vacation with my boyfriend, The Brit, my dad and his fiance. and my three daughters in Maui for the next several weeks.  That said, in an effort to be present with my family, I am excited to let you know that an incredible community of nationally recognized experts, Dating With Dignity fans, and Man Panelists will intermittently be contributing guest blogs while I am on vacation.  To kick things off, I would like to introduce you now to to the first of these blogs written by David Shade, nationally recognized sex and relationship expert.  David is the author of the acclaimed book, “Select Women Wisely,” and is currently writing “Select Men Wisely,” for which I am authoring one chapter.

Enjoy, happy holidays and Aloha!

After my nine year marriage ended in 1992, I was determined to find out what I had done wrong. Why did my marriage fail?
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When it comes to finding love, there is no worse enemy then the romance movie, reality television, and the notion that Prince Charming exists. As little girls we are raised to believe in certain notions of romance, and thus spend the rest of our tweens, teens and adulthood trying to fit our experiences with men into the fantasy relationships on which we feed daily. Who amongst us hasn’t fantasized that maybe we WERE meant to fall in love with our best male friend? Who hasn’t hoped this time, in fact, we will turn out to be like “Gigi,” the character from, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” who discovers that even though she is exceptionally annoying AND inappropriate, the cute guy falls head over heels in love with her. Or, perhaps, maybe you’re just pissed your boyfriend didn’t run down the street in his boxers when you slammed the door, storming out of his apartment pissed as hell.

The Solution

Dating With Dignity is hosting a LIVE Ask the Expert event for men and women who are single or in relationship on Monday, October 12 from 7pm-9pm. Featuring Stanford University’s Manager of Relationship and Sexual Health Programs, Donnovan Somera Yisrael, M.A., this seminar will reveal key secrets you must know to effectively combat media and societal expectations to date successfully in the 21st century.

Somera Yisrael learned through his provocative work that men and women repeatedly engage in risky and counter-productive behaviors due to their unhealthy need to derive feelings of acceptance and love from others. He also discovered, in fact, that these feelings and the resultant behaviors are mostly influenced by the internalized messages people receive about what “rules and roles” they must follow to “catch” and “keep” someone with whom they want to pursue a relationship. From Shakespear to Britney Spears, media creates expectations that lead to frustration, disappointment and no-win situations for those who are trying to find long-term love.

You will also hear the Dating With Dignity point of view as I challenge Somera Yisrael regarding whether or not “game” playing is required to be a successful dater in the 21st century. Is it appropriate to strengthen your femininity to empower men? Should you lower your expectations if, in fact, there is no such thing as Prince Charming? Is it really inevitable to let the passion in your relationship wane?

In addition, this evening will enable you to enjoy company of like-minded singles interested in finding love, an open bar and light appetizers. To register for this incredible thought-provoking evening, go to the events page of this website.

We look forward to seeing you next Monday.

Today at 3pm PCT you have an incredible opportunity to find out if, in fact, there is such thing as a perfect match!

Isn’t every cell in your love-sick bod screaming to know if this is possible? Should you, in some cases, settle for not so perfect? Is chemistry the most important component in choosing a partner for long-term love? I will be doing my Oprah-style interview with Los Angeles’ most successful, hip and insightful matchmakers, Katie and May, who do the one-on-one matching at Catch Matchmaking. The questions we have received thus far are intriguing, and I am looking forward to help you best identify those characteristics that make a good match.

One thing is for certain, the dating process is a truly exciting adventure. While fraught with pebbles, twigs and often boulders, understanding and taking responsibility for walking a path that is most true to your heart will lead to the place you desire.

Go to askcatchmatchmaking.com now to type in your questions. Not available at 3pm today, no worries. A recording of the call will be made available to you soon.

Have a blessed day. See you at 3pm pst.