For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.

For some men and women, the concept of the “date” has become muddled somewhere between technology, best intentions and charm. What then, exactly, is a “date?”  In a recent radio interview I did (which will air in January) with Gloria McDonald, founder  of Perfect Partners, we discussed the fact that it is a mistake to identify the first meeting with someone whom you have met online as a “date.”  In fact, to reduce the risk of disappointment and minimize frustrations, it is better to describe these interactions as “meetings” because you are truly only meeting the prospect for the first time.  That said, then, are there other “meetups” that do not qualify as a date?  Let’s dive deeper:

1.  I’m free, wanna hang out? The man who suddenly finds himself available on Friday at 6pm, texts you to see if you are available, is not asking you out on a date!   While it’s true he might want your company, it’s also possible this is primarily because his friends have dates, are out of town, or have told him they prefer to watch the latest episode of Sports Center instead of heading out on the town. In sum, if a man asks you to “hang out,” it is not a date.  A date requires preparation, advanced planning and intention.

2.  Wanna meet up with my friends later? While to some advanced daters, this may seem absurd, please note that for many who date this meetup is deemed an acceptable version of the date.  In fact, some clients who do this have described themselves as “dating” someone even if they have never been on a 1-1 official date with the man in question.  The bottom line?  Ensure that the man or woman you are dating makes it a priority to spend time with you, not as an adjunct highlight to his night.

3.  I’ll call you when I’m done. There are many quality men, including Mr. Quality Casual, who could be guilty of making themselves  available after they have finished a prior engagement.  From conference calls to boxing classes to finishing up a basketball game they are watching with their friends, it is not a date when you are called upon as merely the after-thought activity.

In a recent Coaching Group I held last week, the eligible, attractive men who were participating described the behaviors they exhibit when they were truly “into” someone they were dating.  The romantic gestures, thoughts and feelings they shared with the group were astonishing, receiving “awwww,”  ”how sweet,” and “wow” from the women in attendance.  It becomes clear then, if someone whom you would like to get to know does not RETURN the feelings as manifested by their ACTIONS, then move on swiftly.  Don’t wonder.  Don’t ponder.  Just say no.  A date is “a date.”  Think Bogart and Bacall.  Sandy and Danny.  And Jack and Helen in “As Good as It Gets.”  These are dates.  And to those men who set the bar where it should be, my hats off to you.  Much thanks and appreciation.

Don’t forget —  Tonight at 5pm pacific time I will be interviewing one of my favorite sex experts, Chrystal Bougon from Blissconnection.com, on specific ways to add VOOM to your love life.  For those who know, I’m a fan of waiting 60 days until the Wing Wang and the Ding Dang meet.  Don’t worry though, Chrystal and I are going to reveal some HOT options to keep you going until you and your partner are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity.  Register here now!  Can’t make the call? Register now and you will receive a link to download and listen at your leisure!

It’s Monday once again, and that means it’s Q and A Day!   This week’s question came from a dignity dater in Los Angeles who wanted to follow up on something she learned during the incredible tele-class we had last week regarding the art of conversation.  During this class Briddick Webb, from Attractology.com, and I discussed how to flirt using verbal and non-verbal techniques, how to be confident when you approach someone, and guidelines to make sure you are attracting members of the opposite sex with in a dignified manner.  The recap of that class will come in  tomorrow’s blog, but in the meantime,  there was one question we didn’t answer, so here we go…

What type of conversation topics are men inclined to engage in vs. women?

Typically, when men are with men, they will discuss what they are making, fixing or achieving.  Remember, while men are clearly no longer living in caves bringing back the kill, they are still stimulated by discussing topics related to competition, adventure, and achievement. As a result, men typically enjoy  discussing sports, video games, fast cars, and those things that have an element of danger.   It is in talking about these things that they  are able to raise levels of a chemical in their brain called dopamine.  When men experience appropriate dopamine levels they are fulfilled, have energy, and need to spend less time in the “man cave.”  In addition, men are  traditionally more focused on the bottom line, in that they want to know how to resolve a situation. As a result, they are less interested in the complexity of a situation, and only want to know the essential information.  Thus, men would most likely synthesize the incident, break it into small pieces, and then focus on a possible resolution.

Conversely, in a similar situation, a group of women might spend hours discussing the details and complexity of a scenario.  Women will breakdown how it happened,  crave elaborate details about who was involved and what each person was possibly thinking, and then begin to discuss a myriad of possible solutions, elaborating on the pros and cons of each possibility.  According to Georgetown University Professor of Linguistics, Deborah Tannen,  men and women’s differing approaches to conversation begin in childhood.  Tannen states that as children, girls on the playground will choose to sit in small groups and talk whereas boys choose to play in larger activity-based groups.  In addition, Tannen points out that men typically use conversation to show or maintain status.  Women, however, want to remain the same during conversation and use words such as “maybe we could,”  or “is there any way we could,” as to not appear to aggressive.

That said, how does this effect conversation on a date?  Here are a few guidelines:

1.  Engage men by asking them about things that get them excited.  Does he like motorcycles?  Drive one?  Hope to race one someday?  What cool adventures has he had?  Get him to tell you about the trip he took with his buddies to Pakistan.  Or  how he went fishing in the snake river.  Did he risk life and limb hiking in the Grand Canyon during an unexpected snowstorm. Watch as his eyes light up, recounting the details of his adventure.  What’s more, you get to see what things get him excited.  Don’t dive into the details though, pressing him for specifics.  Ask how it turned out, allowing him to get to the exciting finale without too much delay.

2. As a women, make an effort to bring your feminine energy to the date. Stay away from a typically male conversation style in which you appear to “one-up” your date.  He went to Pakistan?  Don’t then, tell the story of how you went to Morocco and suffered far more than he did, enduring sweltering heat and far more horrid conditions. Instead, tell the story,  focus on why it was memorable.  Let him know that you enjoy adventure.  Share details, but don’t linger too long.  Remember, men can get lost in detail.  Keep him interested.  Move to the resolution of the story efficiently.

3. Mix up the type of dates you plan. While sitting in a restaurant conversing is quite comfortable and best matches the conversational style of a woman, remember that men like activity.  Go bowling.  Take a hike.  Drive the bumper cars.  Provide opportunities for the man to engage in conversation while he is active.  It will raise his dopamine levels, thus keeping him interested  and focused on you.

4.  Ask questions. Women love to be with men who are interested in details, active listeners and don’t always try to “fix” a problem or situation she is describing.  Because men are solution-oriented, however, they often want to cut to the chase, provide the solution and be heroic (Heroics raise men’s dopamine levels, making them feel good, but it mostly just makes a woman feel like you want her to stop talking if she hasn’t asked you for your opinion yet.)  Part of listening is merely being a receptive container for the other person’s thoughts and feelings.  Believing that is your job to provide a  ”fix” can often a disservice to the person who is talking.  Just listen.  Be present and ask questions when appropriate.  Be compassionate and empathetic.  If she asks for advice, lend your opinion.  If she doesn’t ask, then ask her directly if she wants your take on the situation.  If not, be supportive.  Give a hug if appropriate, and let her know you care.

It is imperative to remember that men and women’s conversational styles are different.  Be confident, and most importantly,  don’t personalize each thing that your date says.  Instead, a date is the perfect opportunity to practice engaging in “curious conversation,” an interaction in which listening is often more important than talking.

Have more dating questions for next week?  Send them now to datingwithdignity@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out the Dating With Dignity events coming to Los Angeles next week.  If you want to increase your confidence, and  learn how to take control of your dating life to get the results YOU want in 2010, make sure you register now for the workshop November 17, “5 Tools to TOTALLY Transform Your Love Life in 2010.”    Event details and registration here:  http://datingwithdignity.com/events/

It was a weekend filled with many questions from clients and DWD fans, and I would love to have Mondays be my official Q and A day.  So, if you have a question, shoot me an email at DatingWithDignity@gmail.com and I will begin to answer them on Mondays.  Here are two to get us started!

Question #1: Is there a way to sleep with a man, and keep your dignity? To answer this question thoroughly requires that you have an awareness about a few of the  Dating With Dignity Tools, and how they help you date with dignity.  While an in-depth examination of this question requires time and coaching, you can begin now by asking yourself one primary question:  ”What is my relationship goal?”  When answering this question, make sure you are specific and clear.  For example. I am looking to find a man with whom I can have children and marry.  Or, I am looking for a woman who doesn’t want kids, and wants a committed relationship but does not require that we be married.  Or, I would like to have a casual, sexually exclusive relationship with someone whom I date 2-3 times per week.   Or last, I am looking to have some safe, honest fun because I know I am not ready to make a commitment.

Once you know what you are looking for, then you can begin to make discerning decisions that are in harmony with your relationship goals.  If you have a relationship goal and vision in which you are in an exclusive, committed relationship then the Dating With Dignity guideline is to adhere to “The Rule of 60–Days, that is,” meaning that you do not have intercourse with someone you are dating for a minimum of 60 days.  For the inside scoop on this, ask me for a copy of the latest Man Panel teleconference at datingwithdignity@gmail.com.  Put “MAN PANEL” in the subject line.  This recording will let you hear, first hand, why men believe women who are girlfriend material will say no when it comes to having sex.  Ultimately, however, it is ONLY you who knows what situations put you are at risk for waking up feeling that you made a bad choice.  If you are looking for a committed relationship but have an open, honest relationship with Mr. Quality Casual, and you choose to have sex with him or her, make sure you are most importantly, honest with yourself.  Can you really have “no strings attached” sex, or is too difficult for you to compartmentalize.  Again, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, my best advice is to hold out on having sex.  You will not only preserve your dignity but increase the chances that Mr. Right will get to know and value you for WHO you are, not what you “put out.”

Question #2:  What is the difference between, “just not that into me,” and “just not into a relationship?” Ultimately, you must go back to question #1 and decide what it is you are looking for. If you are looking for a relationship, know that if a man who you have been dating does not call or ask you out for the upcoming weekend (or, if you are a man, your phone call goes unreturned or she says she is busy this weekend), chances are he or she is not into having a relationship with YOU, or perhaps with anyone at this time.  The bottom line is this:  stop wondering why he or she didn’t call, and begin to recognize that by saying no to these type of men and women you are creating space in your life; space in which there is now room for someone who is INTO YOU, and into a having a relationship to come into your life.

I finally watched an episode of “Cougar Town” last night. Courtney Cox looked, “good for 40 plus,” though oddly plasticized. I must admit I felt quite relieved when my boyfriend, Jem, voiced his disgust at her botox and collagen, telling me he will love me the same when there are less people in the world who tell me I also “look good for 40 plus.” Which thus brings me to a conversation I had with my friend while walking Monday in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s OK to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties!

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship. Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Lesson #1: Just because someone has the same life experiences as you do, does not mean he/she have the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences.

After I dated Junior I tested the waters dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different MANimal species including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse (see blog on him below) and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only be put into the category called, ” Excessive Talk About Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules.” During this period I realized once again, that while sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” Lesson #2: Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes, dislikes and creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, whether or not you want to have them as a romantic partner.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young, and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days,” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he is “really mature,” or texts you at 11:30 pm asking, “where you at?” These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner. Lesson #3: It’s really is fun to realize you can attract younger men, and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but critical to recognize that it’s value is just that, a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew that I would not be an age-ist (someone who dates regardless of age) because I knew that what I was looking for was a more wholistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and who lived in Los Angeles. I am now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than me. Of course there are times when I wonder if he will love me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles. Or, if it really does matter that I have let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I am centered and come from a place of self love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me. The good parts, the parts that are works in progress, as well as the woman who “looks good for 40 plus.” Which brings me to the most important lesson of all; Lesson #4: Most importantly, determine your values, decide what you are looking for in a partner, and then decide if age is important. Because in the end age doesn’t matter, unless it does.