There are so many moments in our lives when we feel stuck.  We see how we “want” to be, yet  recognize that the negative thoughts and feelings we have are the result of certain triggers, (e.g, situations or people) that make us feel powerless, reconnect us to the pain we are trying to leave behind, or create ick feelings of frustration.   What’s most difficult is that it can happen when we least expect it, even those moments when we are feeling super groovy.

When you are triggered, however, it doesn’t mean you have to stay “stuck” in this ick feeling.  There are techniques you can use to become aware of your “re-actions” and then help you become responsible for your changing your thoughts, feelings and actions so that you can literally catapult yourself to a new level of awareness, happiness, and ultimately love of self and others.  Here’s an example of how negative victim or conflict thinking can manifest inside your head via the “word” of the inner critical voice I often refer to as the “dark side” voice:

Situation:  Your hear your boyfriend (date, friend, partner) talking to your best friend using communication that you feel isn’t effective.  You feel like it is having a negative effect on your friend.  You feel you must confront him about it, but are concerned how he will react to your comments.

Think about how you typically might respond to this scenario.  If you are intimidated or “walk on eggshells” when you have to confront your boyfriend, you might be afraid you aren’t communicating your thoughts appropriately.  Conversely, perhaps you confront your boyfriend using language that is perceived as being “bossy,” or “controlling.”  Either way, consider how you might BEST deliver the message.  Think about your body language, the tone of your voice, and other key characteristics that will impact how your message is received.

Remember, however, that you can manage your thoughts, feelings and actions and move past STUCK to create a win-win result that leaves you feeling empowered, happy, and satisfied.  Here are some possible options to avoid, followed by some suggestions for change.

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It’s Christmas Eve Day, and quite frankly while I am really feeling blessed and blissed, I am also frustrated!  I haven’t seen my kids in more than one week (they are with their dad) and for someone who is a recovering control freak, I hate feeling so “out of control.”  This is the time where I remember to take my own advice, and step out of this victim, ick feeling and begin to feel grateful for the incredible relationship I typically have with my kids’ father, the friends who love me here in Maui and at home, and the fact that my boyfriend is supportive of me despite my complaining (even though these days he is slightly obsessed with the 40 foot waves that are expected on the North Shore of Maui on Christmas Day!)  Knowing all this, he is not responsible for “getting me out of this mood,” nor is the sunshine, the gym or the tray of chocolates on the dining room table.  I get to be responsible for me, for transforming this day into one of calm, peace and gratitude.  I am going to forgive myself for agreeing to this vacation schedule with my ex-husband without really looking closely at the dates, jump into the day, and make it incredible!

Now, on to the guest blog, written by David Shade.  While it has nothing to do with Christmas, per se, it does for me.  It was on Christmas Eve, six years ago, that I was madly in love with the consummate bad boy.  He was all these things.  Sometimes he was worse.  Sometimes he was better.  I tell people, “he was the best, worst thing that ever happened to me” because the pain I suffered as a result of this relationship was debilitating.  The good news is that it took me to the depths of myself, forcing me to pick myself up, transform my thinking, and take back control of my life.

My wish is for you to take control of your life in 2010.  I’m here to support you on the journey.  In the meantime, I’m going to smile, post this blog, breathe deeply, and do what is necessary to enjoy the warm Maui breeze

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Aloha Dignity Daters!  I’m sitting on the Lanai this morning preparing to work with coaching clients and am confident today’s guest blog, written by nationally recognized dating expert, David Wygant, comes at the perfect time for some of you.  I love David’s no-nonsense approach, and in this blog David will help you see why it’s important to not only love yourself,  but forgive the little mistakes, and live from a place of abundance.  Enjoy…..

Dating is a process a lot of us really can live without.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that can drive you to drink four year-old bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade from the back of your refrigerator.  There are so many ups and downs in dating.

Here is a list of some of the most frustrating dating ups and downs, and how to feel better about them:

1)    We made out in the parking lot and they never called again. Making out is fun!  You needed it. They needed it.  Don’t beat yourself up that you did it, just realize you did it.  You needed some tonsil hockey and to cop a feel.  Be okay with it.  It was a great date.  You were in the moment, and you experienced something that you wanted to do.
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For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.

For some men and women, the concept of the “date” has become muddled somewhere between technology, best intentions and charm. What then, exactly, is a “date?”  In a recent radio interview I did (which will air in January) with Gloria McDonald, founder  of Perfect Partners, we discussed the fact that it is a mistake to identify the first meeting with someone whom you have met online as a “date.”  In fact, to reduce the risk of disappointment and minimize frustrations, it is better to describe these interactions as “meetings” because you are truly only meeting the prospect for the first time.  That said, then, are there other “meetups” that do not qualify as a date?  Let’s dive deeper:

1.  I’m free, wanna hang out? The man who suddenly finds himself available on Friday at 6pm, texts you to see if you are available, is not asking you out on a date!   While it’s true he might want your company, it’s also possible this is primarily because his friends have dates, are out of town, or have told him they prefer to watch the latest episode of Sports Center instead of heading out on the town. In sum, if a man asks you to “hang out,” it is not a date.  A date requires preparation, advanced planning and intention.

2.  Wanna meet up with my friends later? While to some advanced daters, this may seem absurd, please note that for many who date this meetup is deemed an acceptable version of the date.  In fact, some clients who do this have described themselves as “dating” someone even if they have never been on a 1-1 official date with the man in question.  The bottom line?  Ensure that the man or woman you are dating makes it a priority to spend time with you, not as an adjunct highlight to his night.

3.  I’ll call you when I’m done. There are many quality men, including Mr. Quality Casual, who could be guilty of making themselves  available after they have finished a prior engagement.  From conference calls to boxing classes to finishing up a basketball game they are watching with their friends, it is not a date when you are called upon as merely the after-thought activity.

In a recent Coaching Group I held last week, the eligible, attractive men who were participating described the behaviors they exhibit when they were truly “into” someone they were dating.  The romantic gestures, thoughts and feelings they shared with the group were astonishing, receiving “awwww,”  ”how sweet,” and “wow” from the women in attendance.  It becomes clear then, if someone whom you would like to get to know does not RETURN the feelings as manifested by their ACTIONS, then move on swiftly.  Don’t wonder.  Don’t ponder.  Just say no.  A date is “a date.”  Think Bogart and Bacall.  Sandy and Danny.  And Jack and Helen in “As Good as It Gets.”  These are dates.  And to those men who set the bar where it should be, my hats off to you.  Much thanks and appreciation.

Don’t forget —  Tonight at 5pm pacific time I will be interviewing one of my favorite sex experts, Chrystal Bougon from Blissconnection.com, on specific ways to add VOOM to your love life.  For those who know, I’m a fan of waiting 60 days until the Wing Wang and the Ding Dang meet.  Don’t worry though, Chrystal and I are going to reveal some HOT options to keep you going until you and your partner are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity.  Register here now!  Can’t make the call? Register now and you will receive a link to download and listen at your leisure!

While I intended to write a blog today discussing internet dating pitfalls, something critical came up today in the Dating With Dignity office.  Angelica, the Marketing Assistant, made a mistake.  Here is her story.

The bottom line:  Listen and learn.

And then…

don’t hit send.

By Angelica Martin, Dating With Dignity Marketing Assistant

Ex Rx; Don’t Hit Send!

I have something embarrassing to share with you all today: I’ve made a mistake. Maybe awful, maybe not, but I’m sharing it with you in the hopes that you will remember my lapse in judgment should you ever find yourself in a similarly dreadful situation.

I emailed an ex last night. And he’s not just any ex. He’s an ex that shattered my sense of strength until I couldn’t recognize the needy, blubbering mess I had become. He’s an ex that never should have been an ex to begin with because we never, ever should have been together. He’s an ex that immediately following our less than respectable ending entered into a relationship with another woman. In the month since this has happened I have found myself stumbling in between a myriad of different emotions, from confusion, to self-pity, to misguided determination.

I want to let you know that I have been strong. I haven’t called, texted, or emailed since that last conversation. Of course it’s been difficult, but I have assured myself in moments of weakness that, although I am feeling desperately in need of some sort of explanation or closure now, as time goes on that need will dissipate, until this situation simply will not matter any longer. Yet last night, I inexplicably disregarded my newly acquired strength, dismissed all of my convictions, and clicked send.

Well, he hasn’t responded. And I have been informed that his new girlfriend is aware of my indiscretion. So now, along with confusion and self-pity, we can add mortified, angry, embarrassed, and discouraged to the host of emotions inhabiting my being this month.

So let this be a warning to you: Don’t do what I did. Don’t contact him. Don’t email him. Don’t, don’t, don’t. Whatever delusions you have created in your mind of a reunion, or even a respectable response, will more than likely not happen. Men aren’t like us. They can’t be won back with verbal tap dances, and they aren’t flattered by proclamations of undying love and admiration. They simply don’t respond to that type of thing. That’s why they don’t like romantic comedies and would rather not look for evidence that the two of you are destined by the Gods to be together forever.

Should you choose to contact him, know that you will be left feeling worse than you did before. And please, dignity dater, understand what I know intellectually to be true, but emotionally dismiss while momentarily overcome with thoughts about the past and delusions about the present: where he is right now, is where he wants to be.

It’s Monday once again, and that means it’s Q and A Day!   This week’s question came from a dignity dater in Los Angeles who wanted to follow up on something she learned during the incredible tele-class we had last week regarding the art of conversation.  During this class Briddick Webb, from Attractology.com, and I discussed how to flirt using verbal and non-verbal techniques, how to be confident when you approach someone, and guidelines to make sure you are attracting members of the opposite sex with in a dignified manner.  The recap of that class will come in  tomorrow’s blog, but in the meantime,  there was one question we didn’t answer, so here we go…

What type of conversation topics are men inclined to engage in vs. women?

Typically, when men are with men, they will discuss what they are making, fixing or achieving.  Remember, while men are clearly no longer living in caves bringing back the kill, they are still stimulated by discussing topics related to competition, adventure, and achievement. As a result, men typically enjoy  discussing sports, video games, fast cars, and those things that have an element of danger.   It is in talking about these things that they  are able to raise levels of a chemical in their brain called dopamine.  When men experience appropriate dopamine levels they are fulfilled, have energy, and need to spend less time in the “man cave.”  In addition, men are  traditionally more focused on the bottom line, in that they want to know how to resolve a situation. As a result, they are less interested in the complexity of a situation, and only want to know the essential information.  Thus, men would most likely synthesize the incident, break it into small pieces, and then focus on a possible resolution.

Conversely, in a similar situation, a group of women might spend hours discussing the details and complexity of a scenario.  Women will breakdown how it happened,  crave elaborate details about who was involved and what each person was possibly thinking, and then begin to discuss a myriad of possible solutions, elaborating on the pros and cons of each possibility.  According to Georgetown University Professor of Linguistics, Deborah Tannen,  men and women’s differing approaches to conversation begin in childhood.  Tannen states that as children, girls on the playground will choose to sit in small groups and talk whereas boys choose to play in larger activity-based groups.  In addition, Tannen points out that men typically use conversation to show or maintain status.  Women, however, want to remain the same during conversation and use words such as “maybe we could,”  or “is there any way we could,” as to not appear to aggressive.

That said, how does this effect conversation on a date?  Here are a few guidelines:

1.  Engage men by asking them about things that get them excited.  Does he like motorcycles?  Drive one?  Hope to race one someday?  What cool adventures has he had?  Get him to tell you about the trip he took with his buddies to Pakistan.  Or  how he went fishing in the snake river.  Did he risk life and limb hiking in the Grand Canyon during an unexpected snowstorm. Watch as his eyes light up, recounting the details of his adventure.  What’s more, you get to see what things get him excited.  Don’t dive into the details though, pressing him for specifics.  Ask how it turned out, allowing him to get to the exciting finale without too much delay.

2. As a women, make an effort to bring your feminine energy to the date. Stay away from a typically male conversation style in which you appear to “one-up” your date.  He went to Pakistan?  Don’t then, tell the story of how you went to Morocco and suffered far more than he did, enduring sweltering heat and far more horrid conditions. Instead, tell the story,  focus on why it was memorable.  Let him know that you enjoy adventure.  Share details, but don’t linger too long.  Remember, men can get lost in detail.  Keep him interested.  Move to the resolution of the story efficiently.

3. Mix up the type of dates you plan. While sitting in a restaurant conversing is quite comfortable and best matches the conversational style of a woman, remember that men like activity.  Go bowling.  Take a hike.  Drive the bumper cars.  Provide opportunities for the man to engage in conversation while he is active.  It will raise his dopamine levels, thus keeping him interested  and focused on you.

4.  Ask questions. Women love to be with men who are interested in details, active listeners and don’t always try to “fix” a problem or situation she is describing.  Because men are solution-oriented, however, they often want to cut to the chase, provide the solution and be heroic (Heroics raise men’s dopamine levels, making them feel good, but it mostly just makes a woman feel like you want her to stop talking if she hasn’t asked you for your opinion yet.)  Part of listening is merely being a receptive container for the other person’s thoughts and feelings.  Believing that is your job to provide a  ”fix” can often a disservice to the person who is talking.  Just listen.  Be present and ask questions when appropriate.  Be compassionate and empathetic.  If she asks for advice, lend your opinion.  If she doesn’t ask, then ask her directly if she wants your take on the situation.  If not, be supportive.  Give a hug if appropriate, and let her know you care.

It is imperative to remember that men and women’s conversational styles are different.  Be confident, and most importantly,  don’t personalize each thing that your date says.  Instead, a date is the perfect opportunity to practice engaging in “curious conversation,” an interaction in which listening is often more important than talking.

Have more dating questions for next week?  Send them now to datingwithdignity@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out the Dating With Dignity events coming to Los Angeles next week.  If you want to increase your confidence, and  learn how to take control of your dating life to get the results YOU want in 2010, make sure you register now for the workshop November 17, “5 Tools to TOTALLY Transform Your Love Life in 2010.”    Event details and registration here:  http://datingwithdignity.com/events/