Dating With Dignity

It’s almost time for New Years Eve, and for those of us who find ourselves single again after the end of a marriage or  long-term relationship, the way we feel about this particular night can be a billboard-sized reflection of how we currently feel about the life we are  living. For some, it’s a time to reflect upon the ups and downs of 2009, ultimately filled, nonetheless, with hope and excitement about the possibilities a new year brings.  For others, it can lead to sadness, victim thinking, and the onset of a pity party extraordinaire.   Take a few moments today to pinpoint the types of thoughts you are having this week.  Are you sending out Pity Party  invites, or celebrating YOU and the fantastic opportunities to be created in 2010?  Today’s guest blog is written by Dignity Dater, Tambre Leighn.  Tambre, widowed in her mid-thirties, has had many reasons to wallow in self-pity, yet she made 2009 her year to deep dive into the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifest Love.  The results are phenomenal, and as a witness of all she has created this year, I’m sure you will be inspired by her journey.  Here’s to creating a life you love….Tambre style. Enjoy…

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The truth is this, the man (or woman) who you dream of — the one who makes your heart pitter patter, the guy who is still interested weeks later, even though you haven’t had sex, the one who calls the next day, instead of vanishing after telling you he hasn’t had this much fun in years — this guy, will not randomly end up talking to YOU at Starbucks today. Unless, that is, you have done some serious work to prepare yourself for his (or her) arrival.

That said, I hear women and men consistently tell me they are, “ready for a relationship.”  In fact, I said it myself for three years.  I told myself, friends, and family that I was really enjoying myself, having fun dating, but if the “right” guy showed up, I would totally be “open to a relationship.”

Heard that somewhere before?

The truth is, I wasn’t ready.  Not even close.  Here were the signs:

1.  I kept meeting the “wrong” guys. Let’s see, they were nice, good-looking but not wanting to make a commitment.  They were super hot, but too young, too focused on their career or super not interested in dating a divorcee with three kids.  Or, they were really nice but I wasn’t attracted to them for a myriad of reasons.  I went speed dating.  Online dating.  I had a blind date with Chuckie, who my friend’s friend said was  ”successful and amazing.” What she didn’t tell me was that Chuckie would reveal somewhere between the appetizers and entree that he  ”felt sorry” for the stripper he had been recently dating so he gave her $10,000, to help her “get back on her feet.”  Needless to say, Chuckie was not a match.  I met the 43 year old hot  guy (At Starbucks, actually)  who had a foot fetish, which only became clear to me when on our 2nd date he wanted to see my closet.  It wasn’t until I broke it off with the the nice teacher guy  I dated for three months who happened to conveniently live 400 miles away that I realized I was just not ready.  Then, the question became why.

2.  I was really enjoying my independence, something I had never experienced before, and it had become very, very safe. I had been married at 22 years old, a wife for 17 years, and had never before lived independently.  And now, I truly enjoyed being in control of my life, my children, my travel plans, the remote control, my weekends and my bedroom.  I enjoyed deciding when I would exercise. When I would see friends.  And when I would hit an evening yoga class, eat cereal, and watch 10 episodes in a row of “How I Met Your Mother.”  I remembered hearing a friend of mine tell someone she was spending her weekend sans kids traveling to her boyfriend’s parents home on the East Coast to attend a Bar Mitzvah.  I thought, “Holy cow.  This is the last thing I would ever want to do with my weekend.  ick. bleck.  ugh.”  I was not ready.

3.  I began to wonder if I enjoyed my freedom, or was just terrified of losing it. Because I had never before had an interdependent relationship, I began to fear that  it wasn’t that I enjoyed my independence, but that I was mostly afraid of losing it.  I didn’t know if I could mesh “my” life with the life of another person.  I didn’t know if I could still feel strong, secure and love myself if there were a man in my life to shlep the suitcases up the stairs or pump my gas.  I wanted a relationship, or so  I thought, but at what cost to me?  Clearly,  I wasn’t ready.

And then, suddenly, I became ready.

When my mother died it hit me.  Suddenly, I knew the truth.  She had been married to my father for 45 years.   I knew then that although hooking up with hot guys had been fun, and quite frankly developmentally appropriate for a divorcee who married at 22, and that it had been quite empowering to take my three daughters camping in the wilderness solo, this was the ultimate truth; I didn’t want to leave this planet without experiencing these things:

1. true, unconditional love
2. intimacy
3. becoming truly empowered by my vulnerability, and
4. what it would be like to participate in an interdependent partnership.

“Yikes,” I thought.  ”This is a tall order.”   Then I remembered the vision I had created for my life.  A vision I had been working on diligently since December, 2006 when I did the Hoffman Process.  I remembered how hard I had worked to become authentic, real and independent.  And I knew, that the relationship I had with built myself was now secure.  Safe.  I knew that it was now my time to become ready.

What I learned that becoming ready to be in a relationship was a process.  Hard work.  It was a time when I had to dig deep, ask for help. Get support.  And become educated.  I beefed up my investment in coaching and therapy. Attended workshops.  Did my homework.    And then, months and months later, when I had cleared my plate, the Dating Fast in full force, I knew I had truly become ready.

It was three weeks later that I met Jem, The Brit.

So then, are you ready?  Are you willing to go to any lengths–to do the work necessary to become prepared for your Starbucks moment?  Come find out next Tuesday, November 17, at a workshop I’m hosting, “5 Ways to Totally TRANSFORM Your Love Life for 2010.”  Your vision — your relationship –is waiting.  To register go to:

www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=fc72dbb45ef245f1950eb4b6caf796b0&mid=11238FCC-6C84-4640-B4D8-817E72418500&bhcp=1

I have worked with many clients whose quest for love and relationship has become one of the most important parts of their lives. In fact, there are many who seem to build their social plans around one singular goal: meeting members of the opposite sex. If you are not on a Dating Fast these days, (see yesterday’s blog for details) my invitation to you this weekend is to modify the approach you take to making plans. Instead of making the focus on where you could go to “meet men,” try to listen to your heart’s desire. Take time to get quiet. Listen to the voice inside. Where do YOU want to spend your time? On the hiking trail, checking out new music, or maybe you prefer to go to the beach, take advantage of another warm weekend?

Think about it, then read this article by Guest Blogger, 23-year-old Maya Burkenroad. Let me know how you approach your plans this weekend. I can’t wait to hear how it turns out.

Saturday Night
By Maya Burkenroad

So I’ve recently embarked on a new era of my nightlife plans. I have come to the realization that, while going to bars that are known to have the most cute boys has always been a main focus, it’s quite frankly the worst idea ever. Let me tell you why.

When a girl goes out, their main objective is to find a guy to lock eyes with. He comes over, tells you he noticed you right away, you have incredible conversation while your friends talk to his equally handsome friends (yeah right, what bar is this?), he then asks for your number, tells you he’ll call, and calls you the next day for a date.

Unfortunately, this is what normally happens: you walk into the bar. See cute guy, think you are giving him your best bedroom eyes and that you will have him wrapped around your finger, when in fact he is probably telling his friends about the creepy girl totally checking him out. You barely talk to your friends as your force your way to the bar to somehow make “accidental” bodily contact with him. This normally includes elbows to the back, spilled drinks, which you of course offer to clean up, and some sore man toes. So you finally get to talk to your man who suavely tells you that he noticed you the second you walked in, which is complete bullshit. Meanwhile your friends are forced into talking to his sub-par friends. You say something like “we should hang out sometime.” He begrudgingly asks for your number, but tells himself that you’ll probably at least give him a blowjob. He says he’ll call, but instead texts you that night. Example: “really great to meet you, sweet dreams,” or “hey what are you up to now?” You feel good about this text, you are thinking, “he’s thinking about me before he goes to sleep” blatantly forgetting how difficult it was to get him to talk to you in the first place. Little do you know, the text wasn’t an “I am head over heels in love with you, text” it was an “ I really just wants to feel your boobs” text.

So after this text, he does one of three things –
1. Texts you 3-4 days later post office hours (after 6 pm) asking, “what you are up to?” “Do you smoke?” “Want to meet up?” This not him asking you on a date. This is him asking you on a not date.
2. Never calls (likely)
3. Asks you on a date (least likely).

There is a very simple reason for why the results we end up with are not what we wanted in the first place; guys and girls have different intentions when going out to bars and the like. Girls go out to get a date (admit it) and guys go out to meet girls and have sex with them the very same night, or soon after. Don’t get me wrong, guys are allowed to do their thing and chase the tail (if you will), but it just doesn’t have to be your tail they are chasing. Well maybe for a minute. . .

Think about it, all the great couples you know – did ANY of them meet in a bar? No, probably not. While some guys do go out in search of their soul mate, and some girls do go out to land some booty, in general we are in quite the conundrum here.

I’m 23. I am so not looking for my soul mate, or the love of my life. I may not be looking for a Sunday kind of love, but I am certainly looking for one that will last past Saturday night. So Instead of spending your entire night ignoring your friends who you CAME WITH to stare at some stud (yes I said it), go out, have fun with your friends, flirt, but just know that you are probably not going to meet the man of your dreams. And that’s ok, because he is probably just waiting for you in the produce section of the grocery store or something. . .

I set a goal this August to clean my closets and garage. This was a daunting task, one I had been putting off for years. My closet had been stuffed to its max with clothes from a different era. An era in which I was not only much thinner, but one in which I spent time going out on weekends in my search for love. In addition to mini skirts and expensive halter tops circa 2005, there were splatter paint jeans, pink corduroys and pairs of jeans that were worn so long they had ripped in that one corner of the back left pocket; the sign they have been worn too long. I also rummaged through the dirtied, cluttered drawers in my bathroom filled with Smashbox, Stila and Mac makeup from the late 90’s, dozens of tiny tubes that contained stale perfume samples, and at least ten pounds of half-used bottles of hair product. The clutter didn’t stop there. My garage was also a disaster, as it had been storing relics from an era of parenthood that had long passed. I had toddler toys, clothes, puzzles, chew toys, enough books to begin a library, and two strollers. As my children are almost 14, 11 and 7, it was time to remove these items from my house. I needed to create space.

Space.

Which is, according to my research, experience and Laws of the Universe, the secret to attracting lasting love. One of the first steps in the Dating With Dignity process to MANifest love is what I call the The Dating Fast, a pre-determined period of time which requires that one completely stop all forms of activity directly involved with the pursuit of relationship. Some women call it “space,” some a “cleanse,” while others just call it horrid. They simply don’t want to do it.

Online daters admit that the act of checking email, reviewing profiles of prospective partners, composing emails, and instant message flirtation provides them with hope. Others crave the little crumbs of validation that come in the form of winks, smiles or requests to video chat. Other women claim it is entertainment that effectively fills a void when they are home alone, susceptible to feelings of loneliness.
Some women prefer speed dating, or going to bars or restaurants with the goal of meeting someone who might ask for their phone number. Once again, there are expectations and often disappointments. If things go well and numbers are exchanged, however, only tidbits of attention are dolled out, often haphazardly, via circular text messages that rarely lead to an invitation to more than “meeting up,” “hanging out,” or “getting together…sometime.” Most important, most of these interactions are with the wrong men; men with whom these women truly don’t even want to build a relationship.

Nevertheless, they believe, “something….is better than nothing.” Yet, if one is truly looking for lasting love with a man who will provide the time, attention, and affection they deserve, is it truly better to accept less?

I think not.

In fact, what ultimately happens in this no-win cycle is that harmful limiting beliefs are perpetuated. As women engage in this cycle they are fed a steady diet of “proof” that their beliefs such as “there are no good men out there,” “men just want sex,” “men don’t get it,” “men don’t call back, “ are true. The result? Women are at risk of consciously or unconsciously bringing they beliefs and the resultant negative energy into each interaction, sabotaging the exchanges they have with men, resulting in frustration, cynicism and gloom.

The Dating Fast puts a quick stop to this vicious cycle, allowing women to take pause. Clean their emotional closets. Do the work. Toss their past hurts and disappointments in a Hefty Bag and take them out of the garage that has become their broken hearts. Quite simply, The Dating Fast provides women an opportunity to get rid of negative thoughts, limiting beliefs and baggage from another era of their lives. Their pink corduroy pants and Smashbox eyeshadow whose name may have been John, Michael or Dave.

The Dating Fast is not easy. In fact, emotions will most assuredly bubble to the surface when the computer beckons and you must refuse. During those evenings when there is nothing on TV and you have watched your favorite episodes of “That 70 Show” too many times to count, be sure you will question what it is you truly want. Are you willing to settle for just “anything,” or are you willing to search inward. Take time to nurture yourself. Create new opportunities for friendships. Take up hiking. Investigate yoga. Go wine tasting. Or take a cooking class. Not with the intention to meet men, but with an intention to fill the void in your heart. The Dating Fast provides opportunities to create joy; new, deeper connections to friends and family,; and time to appreciate the quiet and solace of being with, and falling in love with yourself