Dating With Dignity

When it comes to being single, there are no days like Hallmark Holidays that can bring on feelings of dread, sadness, hopelessness, anger and good old disappointment. (I know this, as I was divorced and single for six years after my 19 year marriage to a man I met at 19 years old) What’s worse is that for most these women, it’s not just Valentine’s Day itself that makes them feel the ick. The truth is, the dread can begin as soon as the third week of January approaches (that’s typically when the New Year “high” begins to fade, the guys at the gym aren’t really that interesting, and the few dates from your new membership on Match.com were less than thrilling) which results in a downward spiral that can be tough to endure.

As a result, it’s important to have a plan; a blueprint of sorts that can enable you to master your happiness factor even when the crap feelings surface, despite your best intentions.

Introducing YOUR plan for Valentine’s Day – The Dating With Dignity C.A.L.M. Process.

The C.A.L.M. Process is a Four-Step Plan to ensure that you are always able to be that CAUSE of your feelings, rather than the effect. Because it is when we allow ourselves to fall victim to the “inner critic” voice inside that whispers, “you are not good enough,” or “it will never happen for me,” that life gets tricky and sends your “attraction factor” plummeting. And when that happens, it doesn’t matter how much you “wish” for a date on February 14th.

So take a deep breath, realize that this Valentine’s Day Season does not have to be like any other you have ever had, and dig into how to stay CALM amidst the “red” holiday hooplah.

There are four components to the C.A.L.M Process:

C – CHANGE Your Mindset
A – ADJUST it Always
L – LOVE Yourself
M – MASTER your SKILLS

Today, we will dig into why it’s important to realize that the skills you need may be those you were never taught, get an insight into what skills will bring the fastest results, and provide three tips you can begin now to ensure that you have a C.AL.M. Valentine’s Day Season.

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When it comes to being single, there are no days like Hallmark Holidays that can bring on feelings of dread, sadness, hopelessness, anger and good old disappointment.  (I know this, as I was divorced and single for six years after my 19 year marriage to a man I met at 19 years old) What’s worse is that for most these women, it’s not just Valentine’s Day itself that makes them feel the ick.  The truth is, the dread can begin as soon as the third week of January approaches (that’s typically when the New Year “high” begins to fade, the guys at the gym aren’t really that interesting, and the few dates from your new membership on Match.com were less than thrilling) which results in a downward spiral that can be tough to endure.

As a result, it’s important to have a plan; a blueprint of sorts that can enable you to master your happiness factor even when the crap feelings surface, despite your best intentions.

Introducing YOUR plan for Valentine’s Day – The Dating With Dignity C.A.L.M. Process:

The C.A.L.M. Process is a Four-Step Plan to ensure that you are always able to be that CAUSE of your feelings, rather than the effect.  Because it is when we allow ourselves to fall victim to the “inner critic” voice inside that whispers, “you are not good enough,” or “it will never happen for me,”  that life gets tricky and sends your “attraction factor” plummeting.  And when that happens, it doesn’t matter how much you “wish” for a date on February 14th.

So take a deep breath, realize that this Valentine’s Day Season does not have to be like any other you have ever had, and dig into how to stay CALM amidst the “red” holiday hooplah.

There are four components to the C.A.L.M Process:

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NEWS FLASH: We men love you women. We do. Honestly. Even though we may not seem like it at times, we are completely floored by every single one of you. We will do whatever is necessary to get your attention, get a date, and spend a cozy evening snuggling up next to you.

Now, what our intentions are is another story entirely. We might truly want to take you out over and over again and hopefully move into a courting process and wed you one day.

OR, we might just love the sight of your frame and will shower you with adoration and accolades all night just so we can get you in bed. The funny thing is that we might use the SAME TACTICS for both very different goals.

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The truth is, many successful, independent women get pegged as being “bitches” when they get into conflict with others, especially at work. Perhaps we are triggered because the person we are with is being condescending, rude, impatient or darn right mean. In any case, the challenge becomes not getting entrenched into the lower, negative energy of the person with whom we are dealing because we want to “win,” or be perceived as being “right.”

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When it comes to finding long-lasting love, it is critical that you break free from your romantic rut, and have begun the journey towards unraveling the limiting thoughts, beliefs and stories you may have taken on as YOUR identity based on past dating and relationship experiences.  Before digging into what characteristics and qualities are found in the woman who is truly relationship-ready (a Dignity Dater), make sure you have overcome the following common roadblocks…

1.  While you see yourself as optimistic, filled with positivity and possess a sunny attitude, you may still believe, in your core, that dating is hard, you might be left behind, you really aren’t good enough to land an amazing man, or because of your situation and circumstance it really IS harder for you to be successful.  If you haven’t manifested the relationship you are looking for, and you see yourself as “positive,” it’s worth your time to check in and make sure your unconscious and conscious thoughts truly match.  (The D-Factor Assessment is a great tool to discover what’s really going on inside your noggin’!  And make sure you take a look at the bottom of this post because I’m offering a 50% discount — you just need to grab the coupon code from the teleclass replay page.)

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There is a very good chance that you are checking out this site because you are ready to attract a substantial relationship into your life, and want to move on from short-term action or hook-ups. So, what’s step one? Well, you already did it; you acknowledged that you are ready for a healthy, substantial relationship! Step two: find out if you are really ready for a substantial relationship.

With this new commitment to a healthy relationship comes a change in behavior, actions, and expectations. This can be difficult because short-term dating can be super fun. Hooking up is sexy and a great end to a night. Being the life of the party and enjoying endless boy fun can be tremendously entertaining and hard to let go of. However, to get on track towards manifesting a good chap in your life, the first place you will need to start is with your own focus and behavior, and that means some sacrifice in other areas of your life. This might mean some lonely nights, the loss of immediate gratification from frivolous flirting via text message, and your inner “make-out bandit” will have to be shut down when you show up at the office party and the cute new intern is trying to make a move on you. Nope. You have committed to a new focus. You want to graduate from manimals to boyfriend material and that road gets much brighter and a bit more obvious… once you stop feeding the manimals.

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Date 1: You head out on Saturday morning to grab coffee at the local daily grind for your first date with a new guy. You only have an hour before you run off to your girl friend’s birthday party, but you’re committed to making time for dating. First impression: awesome vibe, nice little connection, and definite intrigue for another date.

Date 3: Next Friday night you meet for dinner at a fun Mexican restaurant Downtown. You each enjoy a cold margarita followed by steak tacos before he leads you onto the dance floor for some salsa. He is a total gentleman, and seems to emulate the suave, romantic feel of Luis Miguel, rather than bumping and grinding like a Ricky Martin video gone wrong. He drives you home, and the juices are flowing from the West Side Story dance remake the two of you performed at the restaurant. You both are feeling pretty weak and it seems that a night of passion might commence, but he exhales and gives you a goodnight kiss. He then calls you the next day to tell you how great of a time he had.

You find yourself thinking about him during the week, and are feeling more and more intrigued by the guy. Since you’re trying to keep a good pace you don’t want to call him randomly to say “hi” just yet. One night mid-week you find yourself on Facebook chatting with a girl friend, and she asks about the guy you’ve been seeing. You decide to see if you can find him on the site to show her a picture of him. His unique name (let’s call him Antonio Venespaldi III) pops right up and, since he barely uses his account, his security options are not enabled, leaving his pictures and wall posts totally available to everyone.

So now you and your girl friend are simultaneously cruising through Antonio’s pictures and chatting back and forth about the juicy info. You find out that he is a lobbyist for a major oil company, “likes” Lou Dobbs, is a Scorpio, and has 1560 friends, many of whom seem to be women. What happened to your eco-loving man who enjoys hikes and seemed to, at least, be a centrist politically? I mean, how could a man “like” Lou Dobbs and also be a champion of the environment? The worst part is that you are an Aries! And we all know that Aries have no compatibility with Scorpios in the dating world. Your heart drops. But it gets worse. You get another IM from your friend: “Did you see him tagged in ‘Lake Tahoe Trip 2010’ album?”

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It doesn’t matter whether a client is 25, 38 or 45.  It doesn’t matter if she has been divorced, never married or hasn’t dated in fifteen years.  Whatever her “profile,” or history, many of the women who come to this site for support are, quite frankly, scared to death of living the rest of their life alone.

There, I’ve said it for you.  I’ve even put it in writing.

During my Relationship Readiness Retreat last July, I had several of the women who participated verbalize this thought, after spending years and years trying desperately to squash it.  The idea of actually admitting it to a  group of strangers was immensely powerful.  And, what’s most important, is that for each of them it was the first time they had allowed themselves to fully connect to the fear and its powerful hold on their psyche.

That said, what can you do to MASTER your fear?  Notice I didn’t say, “get rid of,” or “kill” it.  The truth is that you cannot, nor would you want to ever eliminate fear from your emotional repertoire.  Fear can keep you safe.  Fear tells you when to run, and gives you that odd feeling when someone you meet seems “off.”  However, when fear comes knocking it is now your responsibility to do the following:

1.  Recognize the fear. Call it out and even name it.  Get LOUD about it.  Don’t be shy, ladies.  One of my clients named his fear, “Mr. Come to Vegas,” because it is his fear that puts on the smarmy “vegas suit” and beckons him to the land of no return.  Mr. Come To Vegas says,”Come on Tim.  It’s safe in Vegas.  No worries here.”  A female client I have calls her fear, “Mr. Deflato-Man,” because his job is to deflate her hopes and dreams.  Whatever your fear, instead of pushing it down or pretending it doesn’t exist, face it, name it and conquer it head on!

2.  Get mad at your fear! Yep, when our fear is in charge we spiral down, down, down into no-man’s land of victim thinking. When we get stuck here we feel sorry for ourselves.  We think of how everyone has a partner except us.  We question ourselves, asking “why me?”, a plethora of tissues littering our bed, tears soaking our favorite stuffed animal.  From this place, NOTHING happens.  That’s right.  We just languish at a pity party whose only guests are you and Mr. Teddy.  While this feels good — for a while — it is when we stay here  (and I’m talking about inside your head and heart — long after the tears are dried and the tissues are buried in the wastebasket) that nothing changes.  We get stuck in fear and sadness.  And this, quite simply, sucks .  We feel bad.  We stop trying, start complaining and blaming, and often engage in behavior to prove ourselves right.  It is when you decide to fight back, and take control of your thoughts and feelings, that you can begin to get a different result.  For some of my clients, they enjoy moments of shouting aloud to their fear, telling it that it no longer RULES the roost.  They yell, scream and get really, really MAD!

3. Get into ACTION! Once you move past your anger, it’s time to get to work.  The best way to get a new result is to change either a THOUGHT, a FEELING, or an ACTION.  Once you are able to change it all around by MOVING  into action, fear, sadness and “why me” thinking dissipate.  A client today, for example, emailed me asking for help in getting through a tough spot today.  In doing some work via email, we were able to figure out what action would best serve her emotions, physical body, her busy “over-analyzing” brain and her authentic self.  The result?  A hot yoga class after work!  Once she had a solution she was able to stop wallowing and felt instant relief.

It’s your responsibility to manage fear.  And, with the proper support, tools, techniques and strategies you CAN do it!  For more information on how to manage the fear YOU have, email me at Marni@datingwithdignity.com.

It’s amazing to me that one of the biggest frustrations I hear from women I meet is that men don’t do “what they want” them to do. They text too much,  are not on time, come on too strong, are too nice, too busy or don’t call at all.

Geez, is it really the men who are all wrong?  In even making the list above I realize that while there are plenty of men who have not yet completely MANvolved into Mr. Boyfriend Material, is it really their “fault” they are not meeting your needs?  To make things trickier, when I ask women what they need or want, many can not articulate exactly what they are looking for.  That said, imagine if you knew the following:

1.  What you want in a partner — exactly.  (And I am talking deeper than dark hair, tall and financially successful)

2.  How to effectively communicate your needs and expectations in a way which vets out those who are not a match, without having to be a bitch, brash or judgemental.

3.  Simple ways to set boundaries so that you can allow the possibility of a relationship to unfold, before you automatically delete him from your phone.

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