Dating With Dignity

I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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Just when I seemed to forget that there are so many women who have not yet discovered the joy of dating with dignity (a.k.a. “Lost Girls), I get to hear stories from some of my male clients who reveal the behaviors of women on the dating scene in Los Angeles.  While many would be shocked to hear what happens across dinner tables, in apartments, and on the telephone daily, the truth is that is happens every day.  Repeatedly.

I want to take this opportunity to be clear.  If you are guilty of any of the following behaviors, I invite you to STOP immediately.  As they say, “do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.”  Just stop.

Here’s the official “Yikes.  This Sounds Like Me” checklist.  (And in answer to your question, I did NOT make this up!)

1.  You tell the man you are sitting across from, on the first, date that you have “been looking for someone just like him.”

2.  You send him texts before the first date, or immediately after referring to him as “babe” or “honey.”  Occasionally you use “sweetheart” to mix it up.

3.  When invited up to “his place,”  (the first red flag is that she says yes to coming up to his place on the first or second date) you begin to comment how your cats would love his patio.

4.  You ask him what his mortgage payments are, then tell him sweetly how nice it would be if you could combine your assets to “move on up” together one day  (Yes, this happened on a first date, I swear.)

5.  You tell him you could “see the two of you together” because you like his “vibe.”

I won’t go on.  You get the point.  If, in fact,  you (or your best friend, sister or niece) have done or said these things before, be assured that you are in great company.  The remedy?  Stop. Think. And breathe.  Then, spend some time perusing datingwithdignity.com.  Make some tea.  Read a few blogs. Check out the CoMENtary.  Download some freebie audio tele-classes. And look into attending an upcoming event.  In the meantime, remember this….

There are many former “Lost Girls” who have become Dignity Daters, now living a life filled with love, quality men, and joy.  And you never know, it can happens to the best of them.

In fact, one of those former “Lost Girls” might just be the author of this blog.

There are so many moments in our lives when we feel stuck.  We see how we “want” to be, yet  recognize that the negative thoughts and feelings we have are the result of certain triggers, (e.g, situations or people) that make us feel powerless, reconnect us to the pain we are trying to leave behind, or create ick feelings of frustration.   What’s most difficult is that it can happen when we least expect it, even those moments when we are feeling super groovy.

When you are triggered, however, it doesn’t mean you have to stay “stuck” in this ick feeling.  There are techniques you can use to become aware of your “re-actions” and then help you become responsible for your changing your thoughts, feelings and actions so that you can literally catapult yourself to a new level of awareness, happiness, and ultimately love of self and others.  Here’s an example of how negative victim or conflict thinking can manifest inside your head via the “word” of the inner critical voice I often refer to as the “dark side” voice:

Situation:  Your hear your boyfriend (date, friend, partner) talking to your best friend using communication that you feel isn’t effective.  You feel like it is having a negative effect on your friend.  You feel you must confront him about it, but are concerned how he will react to your comments.

Think about how you typically might respond to this scenario.  If you are intimidated or “walk on eggshells” when you have to confront your boyfriend, you might be afraid you aren’t communicating your thoughts appropriately.  Conversely, perhaps you confront your boyfriend using language that is perceived as being “bossy,” or “controlling.”  Either way, consider how you might BEST deliver the message.  Think about your body language, the tone of your voice, and other key characteristics that will impact how your message is received.

Remember, however, that you can manage your thoughts, feelings and actions and move past STUCK to create a win-win result that leaves you feeling empowered, happy, and satisfied.  Here are some possible options to avoid, followed by some suggestions for change.

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I know, this is a random title for a blog on a dating and relationship website, right?  But, not really.  And here is why:  I went to an incredible seminar this past weekend featuring some of the old-school big wigs in New Thought motivational speaking.  Michael Beckwith, Les Brown, Mary Morrissey and Bob Proctor were all there sharing their wisdom to help people to move past their fears into creating a life they truly love.

Now, next door to this hotel ballroom near the airport (of course, these things are always at hotels near airports, aren’t they?!)  was yet another conference — it was called something like Accelerated Real Estate Marketing.  The name doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that is was PACKED, and the name of the conference was, “The Quick And Easy Way to Get Rich.”  As I walked to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but observe the people  in the hallway, and then I heard a man’s voice, shouting some sort of countdown.  ”7…6….5.”  What was this?  People began to pour from the ballroom into the hallway, pushing their way to the back tables set up with men, computers and brochures.  Clearly, I had to go inside to check it out. What was he selling?  The voice continued, booming through the microphone.

“The first 100 people to make it back to the tables before I get to the number ONE will receive 50% off…Will it be you? Who of you…who is serious enough…who is committed… to take advantage of this incredible opportunity to get rich quick?!”

Holy wow, I thought.  As the man continued his countdown, nearing the number ONE, people began to run from their seats, pushing past chairs, haphazardly careening past those who had chosen to simply walk.  It was incredible.  Did these people really believe that this organization could help them to acquire tremendous wealth with ease? Here I had been sitting in the room next door listening to the New Thought Gurus tell people that thinking “inside the box” was limiting their ability to be successful, while this man was calling them to action.  He had, I’m sure, spent the hour prior to the sales pitch giving his own version of “believe in yourself,” and now he had managed to inspire (or brainwash?) people to run to pay money and invest in their belief.

Who was right?  The Gurus?  The Salesman?

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It’s nearly the end of January, and many of the average Jane and Joe’s have long lost resolve to stay focused on achieving their New Years Resolutions.  Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that it’s time to give up, quit and go back to the unhealthy patterns that were making you unhappy in 2009.  That said, how do you stay on track?  Keep up your motivation?  How do you remember to re-decide for YOURSELF every time you are confronted with a challenge?  Here’s a few tips to help keep your feet pointed in the right direction:

1.  Write it down.  If most of the goals or resolutions you made are still floating aimlessly in your mind, commit them to paper.  Even if it is just one or two things, put them on paper and then post it near your bathroom sink or computer.  (The point is t0 simply put it somewhere else in your house where you see it every day!)  Connecting to what you want and intend to do daily is paramount to achieving success.

2.  Break the steps necessary to achieve each goal into little chunks.  Whatever your goal, take time to set aside one or two hours this weekend to begin “calendar-izing” each goal.  I tell my clients to create a table in WORD, or even to use EXCEL to break down the steps they will take each week in working towards their goals.  Once they have each step identified, it’s then important to make time in your calendar each week to work towards your goal.  For example, I am going to complete a book I have been writing this year.   Therefore,  I am now looking at my calendar to set aside work bursts where I can focus on my writing.  If, however, I don’t make time in my calendar and value the appointment time I set with myself as much as an appointment I would make with a Doctor, I won’t keep the appointment.

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Hey Dignity Daters! I’m preparing for my workshop tomorrow night in Los Angeles in which I’m collaborating Dr. Theo Kousouli, a chiropractic healer. We are going to dig deep into one of the most frequently asked questions here at Dating With Dignity — a question which I have received a few times from clients the past few days. Here it is:

Q: I want to make changes in my life, but seem paralyzed by fear. I hear voices that say, “I’m not smart enough,” “It’s the best I can do,” or “It’s too hard and scary.” What do I do? Sometimes I feel hopeless?

A: It’s quite horrible when the feelings seem so big, scary and paralyzing. In fact, I remember times in my life where I simply buckled to my knees and heaved giant sobs. Other times, the tears wouldn’t come. Instead, I felt vast amounts of anger, powered by thoughts of revenge, rebellion or hatred. Ultimately, however, I tired of myself. My complaints, the whining, and the same feelings of dread and sadness became monotonous. What, I wondered, could I do that would enable me to really experience joy. Here’s the steps I took, which involved a process we will discuss tomorrow during the workshop at The Beverly Hills Country Club.

1. I learned how to shift my thinking from that of the “victim,” to a place in which I decided to take responsibility for my life. Instead, I became very intentional regarding the specific steps I could take to move into action. What step will you take today to move into action?

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I have been getting such an interesting response with the Self Care Gone Wild campaign that I decided to create this video blog today to help you take your motivation to the next level.  As a person who lived with years of “reward-based-thinking,” in which I would deprive, deny or otherwise live my life “white-knuckling” it through the difficult times in anticipation of when I could “let go,” I know this system never worked for me.  In the video today, I’m going to share an advanced coaching technique called, “The Miracle Moment,” in which you will develop a simple strategy designed to increase your motivation inherently — which is based on an organic, desire that comes from deep within yourself.  Check it out, and drop me an email at marni@datingwithdignity.com to let me know how it works!

it’s a common question, “What should I do?”  You ask your mom, best friend, therapist or a teacher.  Where did it start, this asking a question without really defining the question.  Remember this routine?  As a child in elementary school you would shuffle up to your teacher, eyes pointed down. “I don’t get it,” you would mumble, hoping for the quick answer; an easy fix.  She would respond, perhaps asking you to clarify, “What’s your question?” she’d say. “Hmmm…That’s the damn question for which you most likely didn’t have an answer. It was so much easier, faced with overwhelm, to simply do the shuffle, crease your forehead and look confused  Again, you would ask, pausing this time.  ”Ummmm…I don’t get it,” you’d say once more.

As an adult, you still may not get it sometimes.  But  when faced with challenges now, you ask a different question, still desperate, however, for direction and guidance.

“What should I do?” you ask.

Today, a client called to ask this question.  He was regretting a break up and wanted nothing more than for his ex to take him back, trusting that the previous year filled with make-ups and break-ups was just a simple mistake.  ”What should I do,”  he asked.  ”What can I say to get her to take me back?”  Of course, you could imagine that as a Life Coach I seldom tell someone “what to do.”  Occasionally, I may dish out some “best advice,” but mostly I answer that question with this doozy; this piece of information designed to help the one who is asking the questions to ask a better, more specific question.

Instead of, “what should I do,”  I tell clients to ask themselves, “What’s the next step I could take today?”  This approach requires that one break the answer down into baby steps — ask the Universe,  his “Higher Power,” or God, perhaps, for little pieces of internal wisdom that can act as a flashlight, providing the guidance necessary to see just a few yards in front of his face.

Ask yourself, “What is the next step I could take today?”  The answer will come in the form of small, measurable steps. What’s now required is faith that taking this step, following intuition and listening to the quiet voice within will provide the direction that is required to maintain forward motion.  Want more information?   Learn to ask more specific questions — not of your friends, mentors or coach, but of yourself.  Clear away the clutter to gain access to your internal wisdom.  Develop a practice to connect to this wisdom consistently through yoga, meditation, a brisk walk, or simply staying still during your morning shower.

Ask.  The answer will come.  Perhaps you won’t receive the BIG answer — the one that will tell you what the future holds. Most likely, my client didn’t get an answer to his question such as “break up.”  ”Make up.”  Or, “she’s THE ONE.”  However, through the empowering questions I did ask him, he came up with a strategy for today — an answer for the question he had regarding his next step. Most important, the answer didn’t come from me.  It came from within him.

Ask yourself.  Be still.  Listen, and then know that sometimes a flashlight is exactly what you need to stay on your feet, moving forward, one step at a time.

I’m back from Maui, and spent yesterday planning for 2010 with my team. While that’s all fabulous and exciting, I also want to reflect on my vacation, and the state of mind I had which enabled ideas to flow freely, love to grow and compassion to deepen. In looking more carefully at this, I realized I had a certain routine while on vacation which enabled me to access deeper parts of myself; A routine in which I took care of myself.  Ahh — back to the concept of self care, – and an expansion of the Self-Care Bootcamp I began in the end of 2009. So, what did I do in Maui?

1. Daily exercise: Ok, here’s the truth.  I didn’t do one hour of killer cardio on the stairmaster, run 6 miles every day or lift weights 4 times per week.  I did 30 minutes on a stationary bike, while reading a novel or listening to empowering, motivating audio discs. Hardly hard core.  Sometimes, after 15 minutes, I transferred to the elliptical machine.  I never stayed more than 40 minutes in the gym.  Ever.  During my official 6-week Self Care Boot Camp I took the advice of a long-time friend who is a personal trainer which was this:  ”Less is More.”  I cut back on power yoga.  Cut back on lifting weights.  Started walking with a friend, stopped running stairs.  As a recovering exercise bulemic who didn’t used to consider the 60 minute spin classes I taught five times per week as my exercise for the day, I have come far.  Some days, I skipped the gym entirely. Other days, I went for a long walk with my dad.  And one day, I decided to explore a new part of the beach path and went for a run/walk.  I tried to surf, pushed past my fear of choppy waves and snorkeled with my kids.

2.  Daily quiet time to reflect: Part of the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifesting Love includes developing a connection to the still, quiet voice inside.  I call it “spirit.”  Others call is a Higher Power, the Universe or God.  As part of my daily routine while on vacation I took time to listen to reflective audio tapes, read important passages that connected me to spirit, or just meditated for 5 minutes or so while laying on the beach, in a hammock or near the pool.  It doesn’t mean I  sat cross-legged uttering ommmms for 40 minutes.  While I don’t get to meditate in those environments at home, this reminded me that when I take time to reflect, I connect.  This practice grounds me.  It reminds me to let go of anger, practice forgiveness daily, be compassionate and focus on the abundance that I have in my life.

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