Dating With Dignity

I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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There are so many moments in our lives when we feel stuck.  We see how we “want” to be, yet  recognize that the negative thoughts and feelings we have are the result of certain triggers, (e.g, situations or people) that make us feel powerless, reconnect us to the pain we are trying to leave behind, or create ick feelings of frustration.   What’s most difficult is that it can happen when we least expect it, even those moments when we are feeling super groovy.

When you are triggered, however, it doesn’t mean you have to stay “stuck” in this ick feeling.  There are techniques you can use to become aware of your “re-actions” and then help you become responsible for your changing your thoughts, feelings and actions so that you can literally catapult yourself to a new level of awareness, happiness, and ultimately love of self and others.  Here’s an example of how negative victim or conflict thinking can manifest inside your head via the “word” of the inner critical voice I often refer to as the “dark side” voice:

Situation:  Your hear your boyfriend (date, friend, partner) talking to your best friend using communication that you feel isn’t effective.  You feel like it is having a negative effect on your friend.  You feel you must confront him about it, but are concerned how he will react to your comments.

Think about how you typically might respond to this scenario.  If you are intimidated or “walk on eggshells” when you have to confront your boyfriend, you might be afraid you aren’t communicating your thoughts appropriately.  Conversely, perhaps you confront your boyfriend using language that is perceived as being “bossy,” or “controlling.”  Either way, consider how you might BEST deliver the message.  Think about your body language, the tone of your voice, and other key characteristics that will impact how your message is received.

Remember, however, that you can manage your thoughts, feelings and actions and move past STUCK to create a win-win result that leaves you feeling empowered, happy, and satisfied.  Here are some possible options to avoid, followed by some suggestions for change.

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I’m sure Angelica, my Marketing Assistant, will be upset that I’m using her material for today’s blog, but she asked me a very important question this afternoon regarding her reaction to a Facebook Friend request from “The One” who was her Big Break Up. At first, she said, she was shocked. Then she recoiled, her hands started to shake, and quite frankly, didn’t know what to do.

“Is it weird that I had such a strong reaction to his email?” she asked earnestly. “I don’t have feelings for him, but it took me so long to move past that relationship, and hearing from him freaked me out.”

I told Angelica this: It’s typical, normal and appropriate to get that butterfly, anxious, weird feeling when you get a text from The One, the guy who you just finally stopped thinking about every day. Often, these men come back into our lives to check to make sure we really meant it when we said goodbye. When my relationship with “The One,” ended, I would receive texts from him even though months had gone by since we had broken up. I tried to be friends with him. Sometimes I could. Other times I knew that by the true definition of the word, we could never be friends. It has been six years since that Big Breakup, and be assured I don’t get “the shakes” when he texts these days. The point is this, for years I would get the “tinge,” when I saw his number on my phone. I thought about him on holidays, and sometimes even texted or left messages for old times sake.

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On Tuesday night I was overcome with a major craving for ice cream. And I’m not talking plain Jane vanilla from the supermarket. I wanted a sundae, with toppings galore. I tried to fight it for about five minutes, before abandoning all diligence and driving to Baskin Robbins. I could barely contain myself as I walked into the store. There were so many flavors—31 to be exact—and I couldn’t wait to decide which one I was going to take home.

The last time I gave into my ice cream craving I chose a really rich Oreo ice cream. It was dark chocolate fudge, with buckets of the Oreo cream and cookie parts crushed up. It was decadent. For toppings, I got additional Oreo bits and pieces, M&M’s, extra hot fudge and sprinkles—rainbow, obviously. Anyway, I brought my ice cream home and dove right in. And while I pride myself on being able to handle large amounts of sweets at one time, this particular sundae was too rich. I got about one-third of the way through before I had to throw it out.

I recalled this experience as I continued to peruse the ice cream containers and contemplated whether or not to spring for the Oreo ice cream again. I tossed the idea around in my mind for a while, before ultimately deciding to go for a little Vanilla-Cake Batter number, complete with chewy bits of cake and rainbow sprinkles. It was simple enough to allow me to go crazy with my toppings, while providing a sweet and stable base to return to when all the extras got to be too much to handle.

I felt confident in my decision, and just as I was about to place my order, I saw that the Oreo ice cream was noticeably absent from the glass case. I kid you not, my pulse quickened. Are you kidding me? Suddenly it was all I could think of. Vanilla-Cake what? I needed my Oreo ice cream, and I needed it now.

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it’s a common question, “What should I do?”  You ask your mom, best friend, therapist or a teacher.  Where did it start, this asking a question without really defining the question.  Remember this routine?  As a child in elementary school you would shuffle up to your teacher, eyes pointed down. “I don’t get it,” you would mumble, hoping for the quick answer; an easy fix.  She would respond, perhaps asking you to clarify, “What’s your question?” she’d say. “Hmmm…That’s the damn question for which you most likely didn’t have an answer. It was so much easier, faced with overwhelm, to simply do the shuffle, crease your forehead and look confused  Again, you would ask, pausing this time.  ”Ummmm…I don’t get it,” you’d say once more.

As an adult, you still may not get it sometimes.  But  when faced with challenges now, you ask a different question, still desperate, however, for direction and guidance.

“What should I do?” you ask.

Today, a client called to ask this question.  He was regretting a break up and wanted nothing more than for his ex to take him back, trusting that the previous year filled with make-ups and break-ups was just a simple mistake.  ”What should I do,”  he asked.  ”What can I say to get her to take me back?”  Of course, you could imagine that as a Life Coach I seldom tell someone “what to do.”  Occasionally, I may dish out some “best advice,” but mostly I answer that question with this doozy; this piece of information designed to help the one who is asking the questions to ask a better, more specific question.

Instead of, “what should I do,”  I tell clients to ask themselves, “What’s the next step I could take today?”  This approach requires that one break the answer down into baby steps — ask the Universe,  his “Higher Power,” or God, perhaps, for little pieces of internal wisdom that can act as a flashlight, providing the guidance necessary to see just a few yards in front of his face.

Ask yourself, “What is the next step I could take today?”  The answer will come in the form of small, measurable steps. What’s now required is faith that taking this step, following intuition and listening to the quiet voice within will provide the direction that is required to maintain forward motion.  Want more information?   Learn to ask more specific questions — not of your friends, mentors or coach, but of yourself.  Clear away the clutter to gain access to your internal wisdom.  Develop a practice to connect to this wisdom consistently through yoga, meditation, a brisk walk, or simply staying still during your morning shower.

Ask.  The answer will come.  Perhaps you won’t receive the BIG answer — the one that will tell you what the future holds. Most likely, my client didn’t get an answer to his question such as “break up.”  ”Make up.”  Or, “she’s THE ONE.”  However, through the empowering questions I did ask him, he came up with a strategy for today — an answer for the question he had regarding his next step. Most important, the answer didn’t come from me.  It came from within him.

Ask yourself.  Be still.  Listen, and then know that sometimes a flashlight is exactly what you need to stay on your feet, moving forward, one step at a time.

It’s Monday dignity daters, and that means it’s time for the much loved Question and Answer blog. In response to the much anticipated ASK the Expert call this Thursday from 6:00-7:00 pm PST with America’s “What’s Next expert, Lisa Steadman, we have received many questions regarding image, first date tips, and suggested scripts to ensure you get the 2nd date.

To wet your appetite, take a look at these 10 tips designed to help you empower yourself to take control of dating in 2010. In preparation for designing your next date, set a specific intention before you meet someone new. Be proactive! Design your date by embracing your feminine power. Instead of reacting to your perceptions of what he might think or feel, ensure that you stay in the moment, bringing your authentic, soft and compassionate side to the table. Take your intention to the next level by incorporating these tips into the intention you set. The result? Increased confidence, self love, and dating success.

10. Don’t dress to promote your wing wang or your sexy thang! Your image shouts who you are, AND what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship, wear something that says you are classy AND sexy. Remember, the right guy who is also looking for the real deal wants a woman he can bring home to mom.

9. Don’t suggest where to go, what to do, or tell him exactly what you want to do on the date. Men need to be empowered to be men. Let him call the shots! Even of he asks, tell him to suprise you!

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It’s almost time for New Years Eve, and for those of us who find ourselves single again after the end of a marriage or  long-term relationship, the way we feel about this particular night can be a billboard-sized reflection of how we currently feel about the life we are  living. For some, it’s a time to reflect upon the ups and downs of 2009, ultimately filled, nonetheless, with hope and excitement about the possibilities a new year brings.  For others, it can lead to sadness, victim thinking, and the onset of a pity party extraordinaire.   Take a few moments today to pinpoint the types of thoughts you are having this week.  Are you sending out Pity Party  invites, or celebrating YOU and the fantastic opportunities to be created in 2010?  Today’s guest blog is written by Dignity Dater, Tambre Leighn.  Tambre, widowed in her mid-thirties, has had many reasons to wallow in self-pity, yet she made 2009 her year to deep dive into the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifest Love.  The results are phenomenal, and as a witness of all she has created this year, I’m sure you will be inspired by her journey.  Here’s to creating a life you love….Tambre style. Enjoy…

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I’m still in Maui, but have been spending each morning at the gym listening to inspirational audio lessons from teachers I respect.  Today I was reflecting on an email I received from a cousin in Colorado this week, who was moved by watching the “24 Hour Power Thought Challenge,” I posted on the site last Sunday.  She was moved not to change thoughts regarding someone in her immediate family or a friend, but regarding thoughts and feelings she was having towards me.  In truth, she was pissed, hurt and felt neglected. And guess what?  The reasons she cited for feeling hurt were rational, accurate and completely true.  I had neglected to call her when her mother was ill and then when she ultimately died in September I didn’t send a card.  I had been aware her family was going through this tragic loss from other family members, yet because she lives in another state, we don’t communicate regularly and I was in the midst of my  life, I completely ignored or put off the small voice in my head that occasionally reminded me to write or call her.

I made a mistake.

Ugh.  I’m supposed to be better than this.  How could I have done such a thoughtless thing?  And then I began to think further.  What other mistakes have I made this year?  And more importantly, how can I change these behaviors and begin to let those mistakes take me to a higher place of being in 2010?  In fact, I realize, these mistakes are opportunities to grow, become a better person.  I can become more compassionate.  Learn to stop ignoring the small voice.  I can change, shift, transform, and learn.

I have been keeping a journal while I’ve been here containing thoughts and ideas for 2010.  Things I want to do.  Places I want to go, and goals I would like to achieve.  And as a result, I have decided to become a better at communicating with family.  I am going to send more notes.  I am going to forgive myself for mistakes made, and put writing condolence and thank you notes higher on “my list” to do list.  I am going to send birthday greetings, and send more gifts.  I am going to practice what I teach — make my words and actions match.

What is on your list?  Take out a small notebook or journal this week and use it to play.  Become creative.  Imagine and dream.Use markers.  Type it.  Pull images from google.  Or simply put colors on the page. Express your self. How will you change this year?  Where will you grow?  These are not “resolutions,” per se.  Instead, they are ways in which your actions can better reflect your values in 2010.  They are actions you can begin to take which will help you become more fulfilled, happy, joyous and compassionate; Simple strategies to create the life you love.

Mine is a hero’s journey; I will not be a victim to mistakes, negative thinking or circumstance.  I will use these mistakes to take heroic leaps forward into my becoming.

Join me.  It will be a fantastic ride.

Aloha.

It’s Christmas Eve Day, and quite frankly while I am really feeling blessed and blissed, I am also frustrated!  I haven’t seen my kids in more than one week (they are with their dad) and for someone who is a recovering control freak, I hate feeling so “out of control.”  This is the time where I remember to take my own advice, and step out of this victim, ick feeling and begin to feel grateful for the incredible relationship I typically have with my kids’ father, the friends who love me here in Maui and at home, and the fact that my boyfriend is supportive of me despite my complaining (even though these days he is slightly obsessed with the 40 foot waves that are expected on the North Shore of Maui on Christmas Day!)  Knowing all this, he is not responsible for “getting me out of this mood,” nor is the sunshine, the gym or the tray of chocolates on the dining room table.  I get to be responsible for me, for transforming this day into one of calm, peace and gratitude.  I am going to forgive myself for agreeing to this vacation schedule with my ex-husband without really looking closely at the dates, jump into the day, and make it incredible!

Now, on to the guest blog, written by David Shade.  While it has nothing to do with Christmas, per se, it does for me.  It was on Christmas Eve, six years ago, that I was madly in love with the consummate bad boy.  He was all these things.  Sometimes he was worse.  Sometimes he was better.  I tell people, “he was the best, worst thing that ever happened to me” because the pain I suffered as a result of this relationship was debilitating.  The good news is that it took me to the depths of myself, forcing me to pick myself up, transform my thinking, and take back control of my life.

My wish is for you to take control of your life in 2010.  I’m here to support you on the journey.  In the meantime, I’m going to smile, post this blog, breathe deeply, and do what is necessary to enjoy the warm Maui breeze

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Happy Wednesday Dignity Daters! I am blessed to be enjoying vacation with my boyfriend, The Brit, my dad and his fiance. and my three daughters in Maui for the next several weeks.  That said, in an effort to be present with my family, I am excited to let you know that an incredible community of nationally recognized experts, Dating With Dignity fans, and Man Panelists will intermittently be contributing guest blogs while I am on vacation.  To kick things off, I would like to introduce you now to to the first of these blogs written by David Shade, nationally recognized sex and relationship expert.  David is the author of the acclaimed book, “Select Women Wisely,” and is currently writing “Select Men Wisely,” for which I am authoring one chapter.

Enjoy, happy holidays and Aloha!

After my nine year marriage ended in 1992, I was determined to find out what I had done wrong. Why did my marriage fail?
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