Dating With Dignity

It’s Monday dignity daters, and that means it’s time for the much loved Question and Answer blog. In response to the much anticipated ASK the Expert call this Thursday from 6:00-7:00 pm PST with America’s “What’s Next expert, Lisa Steadman, we have received many questions regarding image, first date tips, and suggested scripts to ensure you get the 2nd date.

To wet your appetite, take a look at these 10 tips designed to help you empower yourself to take control of dating in 2010. In preparation for designing your next date, set a specific intention before you meet someone new. Be proactive! Design your date by embracing your feminine power. Instead of reacting to your perceptions of what he might think or feel, ensure that you stay in the moment, bringing your authentic, soft and compassionate side to the table. Take your intention to the next level by incorporating these tips into the intention you set. The result? Increased confidence, self love, and dating success.

10. Don’t dress to promote your wing wang or your sexy thang! Your image shouts who you are, AND what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship, wear something that says you are classy AND sexy. Remember, the right guy who is also looking for the real deal wants a woman he can bring home to mom.

9. Don’t suggest where to go, what to do, or tell him exactly what you want to do on the date. Men need to be empowered to be men. Let him call the shots! Even of he asks, tell him to suprise you!

Read the rest of this entry →

Happy Tuesday Dignity Daters!  As you may know, I am a big fan of the short and sweet phone call.  Memories of hiding in the closet twirling the yellow phone cord haunt us all… That said, let’s review how the short goal-oriented phone call goes:  Man calls woman.  They speak for 5-10 minutes on the phone  in which he ends the conversation by asking her to meet him (known to most of you as asking her to go on “a date.”)  I invite you to keep these conversations short because spending one hour on the phone with someone you don’t know very well gives you an opportunity to send an inaccurate message about who you are.  Remember, people are trained to “rule out,” rather than “rule you in.” One slip made out of context and the person on the other end of the phone may make an entire closet full of assumptions, interpretations and generalizations about you are.  For example, perhaps you would describe yourself to  friends as a person who is positive, engaging and authentic.  Then, however, when you get on the phone you begin telling her, in the course of “harmless” casual conversation, that the economy has you concerned,  and while you have really changed your spending patterns, you can’t stop dining at your favorite expensive restaurants.  Hmmmm.  What messages does this “harmless” conversation project?  Instead, keep it short.  Make the date the focal point of getting to know more about him/her.

In addition, steer clear of  the  acclaimed “Swingers” answering machine faux pas.  Leave ONE message. (No hang-ups please…it’s just plain rude)  If she or he doesn’t call back, let it go.  Move on.  And as I always say, create space for someone new to come into your life.  If someone calls you, make an effort to return the call within 24 hours.  Even if you are not interested in a first or 2nd date, return the phone call to let him/her know it’s “not a match.”  Remember, what goes ’round, comes ’round, and I’m confident there isn’t one of you who appreciates having phone calls go unreturned.

Last, don’t say something to a potential love-interest on the phone that you wouldn’t typically say to a new friend.  During the 10 minute phone conversation make sure you are polite.  Be open and kind. For example, if you are uncomfortable when men pick you up at your home on a first or 2nd date, you don’t need to let him know this prior to him asking you on the date by stating something that results in him feeling like he’s just been given the “Heisman.”  (Envision little statue of a football player giving his imaginary opponent the defensive strong-arm).  For example, Sara might mistakenly say to Max during their first phone conversation, “My job?  Well, I’m an interior decorator, Max. Oh..and…. I never let men into my house until I know them really, really well.  My home is my castle.”  This statement leaves Max feeling rejected, before he has even attempted to get to know Sara better.  In short, yikes.

To some, the phone is like a typewriter.  Archaic, slow and inefficient.  However, when used correctly, the phone can set you apart from the rest of the dating community.  Picking up the phone to make a call demonstrates your willingness to make an effort, shows you want to connect with someone via voice technology instead of the written word.  It shows you care.  Returning phone calls promptly demonstrates your unwillingness to play games.  It can reflect that you have integrity, and that your words and actions match.  Using the phone effectively can help you become a dating superstar.  Make a mistake and the consequences can be tragic.

I have to go now.  I’m getting a call…..

Hey Dignity Daters! It was another weekend of breakups and “it’s not a match,” conversations for many clients and Dating With Dignity fans. As such, the question this week revolves around skills to help you brave the unknown resultant feelings of ick that come from saying “good-bye.” First off, it’s important to know that it is, in fact, difficult to say “no,” to someone. Old patterns of creating drama to make it “easy,” must be avoided at all costs. He or she does not have to be a “jerk,” to warrant ending a relationship. Most important, once you determine if this person will not meet your long-term relationship goals, it is time to say good bye. Here are a few tips to get you through this difficult period.

1.  Create a list of reasons you want to be in a relationship, then revisit it to remember why it’s important to say goodbye now, rather than later. Why do you want to be in a relationship?  Do you want a partner?  Do you want to have someone with whom you can travel?  Do you want to explore new levels of intimacy?  Write these reasons down on a piece of paper.  Once you have your list, make a choice.  Is it your intention to have these things in your life sooner…or later?  If you would rather have this ideal relationship sooner, recognize that saying good-bye and living through the discomfort now will ultimately bring you closer to achieving your relationship goal.  Revisit this list prior to having the goodbye or “it’s not a match” discussion with your partner.

2.  Grieve the loss. Remember that pain is inevitable, yet suffering is optional.  What you resist, however, will persist.  Thus, allow yourself to grieve.  As you connect to your sadness,  become aware of what messages you are hearing from the inner critic voice that lives inside us all.  If  your inner critic voice is saying things like, “This is the best you can do,” or “You made a mistake.  You’ll never get all you want,” check in with yourself.  Find a quiet space and ask yourself this question:  How TRUE are these statements, really? Once you recognize that these messages come from your inner critic voice, you can disengage from them by connecting to your authentic, magnificent self.  In this moment of connection, you will hear that quiet inner voice– the “who” that you REALLY are — shouting the TRUTH.  It will say, “I AM worthy of a loving relationship.  I am  love-able, and I am loving.

3.  Take ACTION to Create the Life You Love. One of the proven-successful Dating With Dignity Tools to Manifesting Love includes taking action to create a life you love via an array of methods.  To begin, set goals regarding what areas of your life need attention.  For example, do you want to put attention on building new social relationships, exploring your spirituality, setting intentions around health and wellness goals, career possibilities, how to have more fun and expand your enjoyment of life, or build deeper relationships with your family? Put your attention towards developing a specific plan to move forward in these areas.  Once you have identified specific goals, put a plan of action into place.  Join meetup.com, check out volunteer opportunities, take a yoga class, begin gardening, join one of Dating With Dignity’s new tele-Mastermind groups, (email me at datingwithdignity@gmail.com for details on trying out one month for free beginning in December) take an extension class or investigate opportunities at your local community college.  Remember, thoughts, feelings and actions yield results.  Feeling sad?  Take positive action.  Move forward.  Put yourself in motion.  Don’t throw yourself a pity party — there are no guests, you won’t meet anyone new, and the coffee will most likely be cold.

4.  Become comfortable in your discomfort. As you grow, change and evolve on the path of self awareness, there are new levels of discomfort you will assuredly experience.  Welcome them as affirmation of your development.  With change comes discomfort.  Become comfortable in knowing that this discomfort will pass.  Take action.  Go for a walk.  Meditate.  Read a book, watch TV or connect with a friend.

Most important, know that there is a community of Dignity Daters who support you in your struggle.  On behalf of all of us, we send you love, support and light as you accept the challenges that come from wanting more fulfillment, joy, happiness and peace in your  life.  Bravo for taking a risk.  Congratulations for saying “no,” to accepting less than you deserve, and for saying “yes” to yourself.  Bravo for dating with dignity.

Play Podcast

Download Podcast for Phone or iPod