Dating With Dignity

I’m sure Angelica, my Marketing Assistant, will be upset that I’m using her material for today’s blog, but she asked me a very important question this afternoon regarding her reaction to a Facebook Friend request from “The One” who was her Big Break Up. At first, she said, she was shocked. Then she recoiled, her hands started to shake, and quite frankly, didn’t know what to do.

“Is it weird that I had such a strong reaction to his email?” she asked earnestly. “I don’t have feelings for him, but it took me so long to move past that relationship, and hearing from him freaked me out.”

I told Angelica this: It’s typical, normal and appropriate to get that butterfly, anxious, weird feeling when you get a text from The One, the guy who you just finally stopped thinking about every day. Often, these men come back into our lives to check to make sure we really meant it when we said goodbye. When my relationship with “The One,” ended, I would receive texts from him even though months had gone by since we had broken up. I tried to be friends with him. Sometimes I could. Other times I knew that by the true definition of the word, we could never be friends. It has been six years since that Big Breakup, and be assured I don’t get “the shakes” when he texts these days. The point is this, for years I would get the “tinge,” when I saw his number on my phone. I thought about him on holidays, and sometimes even texted or left messages for old times sake.

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In recent conversations with a variety of dating and relationship gurus, matchmakers nationwide, and good ol’ fashioned humans, I have discovered that men and women are hesitant to give someone a second or third chance if they don’t have the “hots” for him or her on the first meeting.  Here’s the truth, By the end of 2009 the dating industry is expected to top $1.049 billion, and is likely to grow in 2010 at a rate of 10 percent.  What’s more, online dating sites generated 27.5 million unique visitors in June, 2009, alone.  What does this mean?  It means that people are dating.

A lot.

Men and women like you are spending money, time and energy to meet someone with whom they want to fall in love.  What’s more, it means that because there are so many people actively dating, it is easy to rule someone out within 30 seconds of meeting them.  ”Ick,” you think.  ”She’s out.  Who’s next?”  Clients tell me there was “no chemistry,” admitting that after those first thirty seconds they literally stopped engaging with the person. Stopped listening carefully, never looked the person across the table in the eye, and immediately discounted them as someone they wanted to get to know.

The result?  People are dissatisfied.  Frustrated.   Moving through dating experiences numbly, shuffling in and out of coffee shops, flipping through online profiles in disgust.

He’s in.  She’s out.

In. Out.

Go home.

Get back online.

Bad date?  Men and women consistently tell me that they get back on Match.com before they even consider making a cup of tea, watching television, or reading a book.  WOW.  It’s as if we have become so addicted to instant gratification that we have no tolerance or willingness to get  to know if someone could possibly be someone whom we could love.  I’ll admit that a person must, in fact, be attractive to you.  However, what could possibly happen if someone with whom you didn’t think “hot,” became attractive to you because you spent more time together?  Perhaps you begin to notice their sense of humor, the compassion they have for the older woman crossing the street, a cute crinkle in the crease of their eye when they smile, or the way she moved her hands when describing her favorite movie.

Let me tell you my story.  The story of Ari.  I went on six dates with Ari, however I would never have even gone on date number 1 if I wasn’t tired of living with so many “rules,” about whom I would date.  Ari was 5 foot 6 inches.  He was smart.  Good looking, funny.  And successful.   But, despite my interest in him, I kept telling myself that anyone under 5 foot 10 inches was an unacceptable partner.  Nevertheless,  I decided to date Ari, branch out. I liked him, but at 5 foot 7 inches, it felt odd to be so much taller then my date.  Hugging him, I felt huge.  A giantess.  Returning home after the second date,  I pondered.  I dug deeply.  I liked him, but why wasn’t I attracted to him?  It was then that I realized it was an issue — an issue I had buried somewhere between 7th and 8th grade; the summer I grew from 5 foot 1 inches to 5 foot 7 inches.  There, walking the halls of my middle school with boys named Cory, Craig and Eric, boys who were barely five foot tall, I decided tall was “not pretty.”  The voice in my head — the inner critic — shouted it loudly.

“You are too tall.  Too big.  And boys do not like girls who are too big.”

Yikes.  I was shocked, horrified to relive those feelings I had while I was a student at Franklin Junior High School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  And then, I realized the truth.   Tall is sexy.  Plenty of men like taller women.  Hmmmm, I thought.  Could I reframe this whole thing, imagine that it was incredibly sexy to be taller than Ari?  I decided to try, agreeing to date number 3.

Date number 3 rocked.  I had fun.  I laughed.  I even wore heels, relishing in the fun of this new frame of mind.  While Ari ended up being someone who was ultimately “not a match,” I enjoyed getting to know him.  Woot!  Woot!  I did it!  I busted through my limiting beliefs to rule Ari “in!”  Imagine the possibilities, I thought,  if I continued to expand my horizons and begin to think of ways to rule men “in,” instead of quickly judging them as “out,” within seconds of saying hello.

Most of the dating experts, including me, recommend a three-date minimum before you decide it’s “not a match.”  Challenge yourself.  And then let me know what happens once you begin to rely on more than the “Lust-O-Meter” to decide if someone is worth seeing again.

There were many opportunities to date and explore new possibilities this week for Dignity Daters!  One of the most popular questions I received is based on a fundamental Dating With Dignity principle; a date is an opportunity to make a human one-to-one connection with another person — it is not an INTERVIEW!  Quite a relief, isn’t it?  So then, how can you make a shift in your thinking so that you approach a first or second date with the following objectives:

1.  Collect Data

2.  Have Fun

Your question might be, then, how can I collect data if I am not on an interview?  Here is the answer:  Collecting data is simply the act of learning something new about another person.   When you are collecting data then, it is imperative that you engage in active listening, which is very different from merely hearing the words another person says.

When you are engaged in active listening, you accept what is being said to you without making any value judgments.  You simply listen, then clarify, asking the person to more  thoroughly express their ideas or feelings.  Next, you can appropriately reflect the feelings or thoughts back to the person who is speaking using words that validate or acknowledge how they feel. They key to active listening is that  you are not focused on how you can fix the challenge a person may be describing; you are not trying to provide a service or assist the person in some way with your information or knowledge; and last, you are not focusing attention inward,  thinking primarily of what you will say next.

Here is an example of active listening using validation and clarification.

Brad: “I was slammed at work today because my new boss want to prove to his boss that he is going to make a significant difference in my department before the end of the year.”

Sue:  ”That sounds rough.”  (this is an example in which Sue acknowledges Brad’s situation without offering a solution)

Brad:  ”It was.”  He sighs and leans back in his chair.

Sue:  ”Tell me about what it was like when you were working with your old boss?”  (Now Sue follows with an open-ended clarifying question so she can learn more about Brad’s situation.)

In addition, a date that is based on having a human connection rather than an interview involves asking open-ended questions (questions that don’t result in a “yes” or “no” answer) throughout the date.  Thus, just imagine your sole objective is to engage in curious conversation– that is, you are simply curious to learn, explore and interact with your date without judgements such as “he would be a perfect match,” or  ”this would never work.”

Once you begin to engage in active listening, ensure that date numbers one and two are FUN!  Remember, you are most at risk for an “interview-esque” date when you stay within the traditional rigid boundaries of a dinner, coffee or  lunch date.  However, a date in which you share an experience that is new to both of you, or  one which simply involves experiencing something together, is most likely to result in open, relaxed conversation, laughter, and opportunities for you to see the person in a natural, less stressful environment.  (Who wants to be nervous about chewing with their mouth full, using the correct silverware, or spilling their glass of wine– even the most refined among us get’s nervous in this situation!)  Here then, are a few ideas for active, experiential dates:

1.  putt-putt golf

2. bowling

3.  hiking

4. walking on the beach, a park or other setting that involves nature

5.  rent rollar blades/skates and learn to skate together

6.  ride horses

7.  farmer’s market

8. art festival

Become a “Data-Dater” in the next few weeks and let me know how this Dating With Dignity approach to dating impacts your ability to feel more comfortable and confident.  Not dating regularly?  No worries!  In fact, this is the best time to practice your active listening skills with friends and family.  Once you become at ease with this skill, you will find that your connections to the people in your life have deepened significantly.  I can’t wait to hear about YOUR results!

Have you seen the movie that is currently in release called, “The Invention of Lying?” I saw it last week with Jem and, coincidently, the question of honesty, and “what is the truth,” has been coming up for many Dating With Dignity clients. How honest should you be? Should you disclose everything? If so, when? When it’s “not a match,” should you tell why?

First off, most men and women will say that they want a partner who is honest. In fact, when my clients are creating lists of values they hold as important for themselves and others, honesty ranks in the top five of “must-have’s.” In digging deeper, we typically discuss what honesty looks like to them. Yes, while it seems obvious that honesty is not up for discussion or debate, there are certain situations we discuss in which it might not be necessary or appropriate to tell the absolute truth.

1. How many lovers have you had in the past? When it comes to kiss and tell, discussing your past is not necessary. The past is done, and for most of us it bares no reflection of who we have are now. If you feel that you must know about your partner’s sexual past, ask yourself why it is important? Do you hold judgements that impact your ability to see a potential partner for who they are now? Or, are you holding on to shame or labels from your past? If so, are you projecting these feelings you have about yourself onto someone else? To be a successful dater, you must ensure you don’t bring your past into the present by unconsciously treating someone new as if he or she were all the “bad” men and/or women from your past. If you feel you must know, do not bring up the subject for at least six months into your relationship. This way, both of you know each other quite well and will be able to put information from the past into proper context.

2. When do I discuss STDs? If you have an STD, it is important that you are honest with your partner, when it becomes appropriate and necessary to discuss these issues. Clearly, the topic of sexually transmitted disease is not first date fodder. In fact, do not discuss STD’s until you are dating someone and both of you have agreed that the relationship holds potential for becoming monogamous. Make sure you have this conversation vertical and clothed. It is not something best brought up or discussed in the heat of passion.

3. Are you dating other people? In the 21st century both men and women are dating, a lot. The internet, especially, has made it quite easy for both sexes to have multiple dates in one week. What happens, then, when there is someone with whom you have a connection and want to explore the possibility of relationship. When, if ever, do you let him or her know that you are still dating other people? If you begin to date this person consistently, he or she is someone with whom you would like to continue dating because there is long-term potential, and choose to have sex with him or her, the Dating With Dignity point of view is to make it clear (explicit) that you are still dating other people (if this is true). Typically, men may make the assumption a woman is not sleeping with others if she is having sex with him. If you are a man, and are still dating other people while dating this person, you must be honest, treat her with respect, and enable her to make an informed choice about how she wants to be in the relationship. Perhaps she won’t want to have sex with you if you are still dating others, regardless of whether or not you are having sex with any of the other people you are dating. You do not want this person to mistakenly assume that because you are intimate with each other you are no longer dating other people. Many women will assume that if they have been dating a man consistently and then choose to become intimate, the man is going to be exclusive. None of these assumptions can be made without having an honest discussion, preferably prior to having sex. Again, have this conversation while standing vertically and clothed.

4. If it’s not a match, should you make up an excuse as to why you don’t want to see this person again? Using the words, “it’s not a match,” is a powerful way to politely disengage from someone with whom you are not interested in dating. Lying, neglect, or choosing to ignore phone calls and text messages are not appropriate if you are dating with dignity. If you are looking for someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then don’t play games. As one of the Dating With Dignity Man Panelists stated recently, “If you play games, then you leave us no choice but to do the same.” This holds true for both men and women. It’s the golden rule, “do unto others as you would have them do to you.” As you know, there is nothing worse then wondering why someone didn’t call when they said they would, questioning why he or she flakes repeatedly, or basing your expectations of a relationship’s potential based on false hopes or impressions. Be honest. Tell him or her that it’s not a match, and then create space for someone else to come into your life.

As a coach who tries to be there for her clients during difficult times, I encourage men and women to text or email during the weekends if they need support in living up to the dating/relationship intentions they set for themselves. This weekend was no different.

I have a client, let’s call her Jane, who met a man online a few weeks ago. He had been out of the country since they first “met” online so she had been communicating with him via text and email. During the course of these emails she began to connect with him (let’s call him Brad) because they share similar interests and appear to have the same values. As can be expected, Jane began to really “fall” for Brad, and I thus encouraged her to pull back and wait until he returned to Los Angeles to continue communicating with Brad at length. She didn’t want to engage in a pattern she has which is to begin to see a man as “the one,” before he has even come close to being a candidate for that title.

Once Brad returned to Los Angeles on Thursday, he begin to email and text Jane repeatedly. He didn’t ask her out, however, and Jane grew tired of the emails, telling Brad she wasn’t really a big “fan of texting.” In this text, she also told Brad she was looking forward to speaking with him, and asked him to call her to ” catch up” when he was able. On Saturday, upon returning to her car after her workout, Jane received another text from Brad. As she had both feared– and expected, he hadn’t called her for a date. He sent a text. In fact, Brad apologized in the text for being “last minute,” yet he was hoping she was available to meet for drinks that evening.

Jane was confused and disappointed that Brad had not called. Mostly, however, Jane was afraid because even though she knew she should tell Brad “no,” to the last minute invite via text, her desire to see him was mounting feverishly. It was then that she texted me. We discussed a possible response.

Confidently, Jane replied to Brad texting him, “I already have plans tonight. Call me and let’s make a plan to get together.” xoxo Jane.

A perfect response, given the fact that Brad had ignored her request for a phone call. This text was kind, sweet, polite and communicated the fact that while she was busy, she still was looking forward to meeting him. Once again, it communicated her expectation that he would call.

Moments later Jane texted me to say she felt sick, and that saying no to Brad was, in her words, brutal. Her day became more challenging, as she waited for Brad to call. Again, she texted me to say she was beginning to have doubts about her decisions. She asked me to remind her why she had said no to Brad’s invitation.

I did remind her. I asked Jane what kind of man she wants to have as a partner. In answering she used words like honest, responsible, communicative and loving. I asked her if she felt that Brad had shown these traits in his attempt to meet her. She interrupted me, trying to tell me that in their email exchanges Brad had shown himself to be all of these things. I stopped her mid-sentence.

“Jane,” I said. “It doesn’t matter, really, how Brad showed up for you online or via text. What matters, is this; how is Brad showing up now? Is he, in fact, thus far proving to be a man who is honest, responsible, communicative or loving? Or is he, in actuality, showing up like the other men you have dated, men who have consistently been unavailable, not looking for a long-term committment?

Jane sighed. She was frustrated, angry, and disappointed that Brad might not be who she imagined.

It was 1:37 pm on Saturday when I last texted Jane. I didn’t hear from her again, until Sunday, nearly 24 hours later.

“I wasn’t strong enough, Marni.” she wrote. “I couldn’t do it. I still have so much work to do on myself.”

This time, while she was able to say “no” to Brad (a victory in itself), Jane wasn’t able to follow through on her intention. She discovered it felt horrible to wait. And that, ultimately, the work she needs to do is related to these important new discoveries. When Jane and I have our next session I will remind her that this is just a little mistake. And that mistakes present us with opportunities to learn. Jane learned that when confronted with loneliness and the possibility of losing Brad, even though letting him go might create space for a better match to come into her life, she couldn’t change her behavior. She realized that her fears and the resulting discomfort kept her from doing what was necessary to follow through on her intention.

Bravo Jane. Bravo for trying. Bravo for learning. And bravo for allowing me to share your story so that others can be inspired by your journey.

Have a GREAT week, and for those in Los Angeles, see you at the Dating With Dignity LIVE Ask the Expert Event tonight at 7pm. Until then, keep dating with dignity. It will be worth the effort.

Facebook fighting has become more problematic than breakups via text. Oh dear…remember when life was simple, and Carrie Bradshaw went on a pot-smoking bender because Berger broke up with her on a Post-It Note? Nevertheless, it is imperative then when it comes to Facebook and relationship, you must be dignified, appropriate and drama-free. Here are a few simple guidelines to follow:

1. Friending the ex? As is the case with all exes, you must first determine whether or not both parties no longer have feelings for one another. Perhaps you are over John, but if John has not let go of the possibility that one day you will return his undying love, it is best that John not be your Facebook friend. If he is an avid Facebook fan, it will not help is ability to move on when he sees the mobile upload you posted from the date enjoyed at the farmer’s market with your latest boyfriend. If however, the ex is currently in a relationship, is happy and you are confident that gin and tonics will never lead to sex, then rest assured you can friend John.

2. Don’t send friend requests to men you want to date. Don’t kid yourself, sending a friend request to Brad, the guy you met at the bar, hiking trail or at the gym does not help your long-term chances of being asked on a date. Let Brad pursue you, friend you, Myspace you and most definitely, IM you first. If Brad does IM you, accept and then keep the conversation short. The goal is to get Brad to ask you out on a date, via the phone. If Brad lures you in via IM, he can happily chat with you, his three other friends, watch Sportscenter AND check his email. Not good. You want Brad’s full attention. Say hi. Chat for 1-2 minutes, and politely say good bye. Important, log off. You won’t want Brad to think you snubbed him, and most importantly, don’t you have something better to do with your time?

3. Be bold. Remove the relationship status information from your profile. If you are dating, you don’t want someone to make any assumptions about your relationship status from your profile on Facebook. Be dignified. Let him ask you if he must know. And, quite frankly, if he has friended you he should know your status because you met in person prior to becoming Facebook friends. I know I’m going out on a limb here, but remember that random Facebook stalkers need not know your relationship status. Let them ask directly. Finally, if you begin dating someone you like, and would like to become exclusive, the status issue becomes benign if it isn’t there to begin with. Having a conversation about exclusivity is challenging enough without having to ask if it’s “time” to change your status from “single,” to “in a relationship.”

Oy. Enough said.

I went on no less than 100 Internet dates between January 2004 and February, 2009. I met my first post-divorce boyfriend on Craig’s List, experimented with Jdate, Match.com, Nerve.com, Plentyoffish.com., Elitemeeting.com, and more. I went on coffee dates, dinner dates, drink dates, hiking dates and dates that lasted less than 15 minutes. I even traveled to New York city to meet someone who, for the 10 day prior to our face-to-face meeting, I truly thought was my soul mate.

He wasn’t.

I did, however, meet some incredible men online with whom I have become friends. What’s more, Internet dating can work. In fact, my dad met his girlfriend on Jdate. It was his first, best, and only online date. There are countless success stories of those who have found love online , which is why, if you become an adept, intentional Internet dater, you can enjoy the process of dating online. Here are five general guidelines to help you find love online.

1. Five Pictures Plus. Ensure that prior to meeting a potential date you have seen more than 5 photos of this person. If they have just two photos, one of which is a professional headshot, ask them via email to send you pictures directly. Don’t feel that because you are requesting more photos you are going to be perceived as “picky,” or “shallow.” In truth, you are taking care of your needs, reducing the possibilities of disappointment and ensuring you don’t waste time. Occasionally, you may receive a reply that reads like this. “Sorry Susie. I don’t have any recent photos, My friends tell me I am much better looking than my pics. Don’t worry. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.” In my experience I have found that those men and women that need to tell you they are attractive should be avoided. In turn, ensure that you have at least five photos to post online, and don’t spend energy reassuring your prospect that you are, in fact, attractive.

2. Zoom-a-zoom: Ensure that of those five pictures, at least 3 of them are close up photos. If you have to zoom into the face, squint, lean into your computer screen, or find yourself asking friends if the prospect is attractive because the zoom effect has pixilated John or Sue’s face into a 1980s version of Tetris, ask for additional photos.

3. Do the Sherlock- Holmes, that is: If you kindly ask when the prospect’s online photos were taken, there is a fifty percent chance he or she may exaggerate. Instead, ask a more open-ended question that can prompt insight into this person’s values about honesty. For example, “I am fascinated by the online dating process. In what ways do you think a person’s online dating profile reflects who they really are?” Not only can you discuss photos and other information they have posted on their profile, but this line of conversation can also provide insights in their belief systems, values and experiences dating online.

4. You so sexy: If you are looking for the possibility of a serious relationship, avoid men who post pictures of themselves sans shirt. Men should also be quick to avoid women who post provocative photos. Posting these kinds of photos tells the online “shopper” that this person feels their self worth is based mostly on their attractiveness or sexuality.

4 ½. No guarantees: If you have done all you can to reduce the risk of picture fraud, be certain there are no guarantees. Whether the pictures the person has posted online are accurate or not, smile when you meet her. Not attracted? No worries. Spend time practicing your dating skills. Ask open-ended questions. Release judgments. Smile again. And be sincere upon ending the date. For example, “I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know more about you Susie. Thanks so much for agreeing to meet me. (Look directly into Susie’s eyes. (Smile) I wish you the best of luck. I hope you have an amazing day.” Do not tell Susie you will “talk to her soon,” “talk to her later,” or send her an email. Say thank you. Say goodbye. If Susie contacts you again, politely tell her how much you enjoyed the time you spent together, and that “it’s not a match.” No more. No less. Remember, like energy attracts like energy. If you desire to surround yourself with compassionate, polite and honest members of the opposite sex, do the same in kind.