Dating With Dignity

Date 1: You head out on Saturday morning to grab coffee at the local daily grind for your first date with a new guy. You only have an hour before you run off to your girl friend’s birthday party, but you’re committed to making time for dating. First impression: awesome vibe, nice little connection, and definite intrigue for another date.

Date 3: Next Friday night you meet for dinner at a fun Mexican restaurant Downtown. You each enjoy a cold margarita followed by steak tacos before he leads you onto the dance floor for some salsa. He is a total gentleman, and seems to emulate the suave, romantic feel of Luis Miguel, rather than bumping and grinding like a Ricky Martin video gone wrong. He drives you home, and the juices are flowing from the West Side Story dance remake the two of you performed at the restaurant. You both are feeling pretty weak and it seems that a night of passion might commence, but he exhales and gives you a goodnight kiss. He then calls you the next day to tell you how great of a time he had.

You find yourself thinking about him during the week, and are feeling more and more intrigued by the guy. Since you’re trying to keep a good pace you don’t want to call him randomly to say “hi” just yet. One night mid-week you find yourself on Facebook chatting with a girl friend, and she asks about the guy you’ve been seeing. You decide to see if you can find him on the site to show her a picture of him. His unique name (let’s call him Antonio Venespaldi III) pops right up and, since he barely uses his account, his security options are not enabled, leaving his pictures and wall posts totally available to everyone.

So now you and your girl friend are simultaneously cruising through Antonio’s pictures and chatting back and forth about the juicy info. You find out that he is a lobbyist for a major oil company, “likes” Lou Dobbs, is a Scorpio, and has 1560 friends, many of whom seem to be women. What happened to your eco-loving man who enjoys hikes and seemed to, at least, be a centrist politically? I mean, how could a man “like” Lou Dobbs and also be a champion of the environment? The worst part is that you are an Aries! And we all know that Aries have no compatibility with Scorpios in the dating world. Your heart drops. But it gets worse. You get another IM from your friend: “Did you see him tagged in ‘Lake Tahoe Trip 2010’ album?”

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It’s time to answer a question I receive frequently regarding online dating! One DWD fan, in particular wrote to ask if it is appropriate for a woman to pursue a man online. She also asks how long should she communicate via email exclusively?

Well folks, here’s the dealio:

1. Both men and women can initiate contact online! If you are interested in someone’s profile online, feel free to write them to say hi. Send a short, one paragraph email mentioning something specific you have read about them in their profile. Nobody likes to receive a generic cut/paste email. Take a few minutes to really read their profile. Did they mention a book or class they have taken? Take an extra second to do a google search on that topic, become quickly familiar with the thing they have referenced, and then mention it in your email. Bottom line? Show that you are doing more than shopping for pictures. Let the person know you are interested in him or her, their interests, and tell him/her why you think you could be a good match. One paragraph is fine! A great email close? Try this: ”I would love to meet you soon, Susie, to hear more about (insert topic, book title, vacation they mentioned etc). Let me know when you are free!” If you do not hear back from “Susie,” do not lament. Instead, know that in some way the Universe was protecting you from wasting time with someone who is “not a match.” Don’t write back. Don’t wink. Let it go, moving on to create space for someone new. If you receive an email and are not interested, take time to write a brief email that looks something like this: ”Hi Brad. Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me. While I am flattered by your inquiry, I believe we are not a good match. Best of luck in your search.”

2. Move past email communication quickly. Take a quick pit stop at texting if you must, pause to talk on the phone once or twice, but make sure you are headed towards the face-to-face meeting within one week – 10 days. Don’t invest time and energy in someone you don’t know. Don’t share intimate details about yourself, your life, your hopes or your dreams online. Make sure emails don’t become journal entries. Be positive. Upbeat. Don’t become friends on Facebook. If a man continues to email you without moving to the next step, let him know you would like to meet, however do NOT ask him on the date. Simply write something like this: ”I’ve enjoyed communicating via email, but would love to be able to chat in person soon. Looking forward to speaking with you.” By using the word, “speaking,” you are letting him know that you are very close to being done with email communication. Then, let it go. If he does not write you to invite you to meet, or request your phone number, move on. Do not write back.

Women need to be patient. Create space for a man to invite you out, or take the online interaction to the next level. Men, please don’t linger in email hell. Instead, cut to the chase, make a plan to talk on the phone. Ask her out on a date via phone. (remember, you aren’t expected to chat with her for hours) And don’t forget, make sure your first date with someone you have met online involves meeting for something quick, such as coffee or a drink. Not a match? Hang in. Be polite. Don’t make promises to “call you soon,” if you won’t. Remember the Dating With Dignity Mantra, “It’s not a match!”

I love the interactivity of Facebook. Yesterday I received a great question via a comment I made regarding “dating with dignity.” The person replied to my comment, in frustration I can surmise, wondering why dating has to be so complicated. She wrote further, I don’t get it. “Dating to get Mr. Right,” “Dating Over 40.” Why can’t we just simply “date?”

I love this question, because it is true. Dating isn’t too complicated — especially if you show up without the junk from your past clouding who you are. It is only the thoughts, feelings, patterns, bad break-ups, anger and resentments, expectations, and the myths created by the plethora of romantic comedies you watch on the big screen that make dating complicated. That said, it is your responsibility to make sure that when dating seems complicated, that you take time to step back and look at why exactly this may be occurring:

1. Do you have a clear picture of your five relationship deal breakers — the things that you just can’t compromise on regarding his income, charm, looks or the fact that he is kinder than any other man you have dated? Once you are clear on these things, making dating choices becomes a kinder, gentler process.

2. Are you dragging the junk from your past into the present, impacting your future negatively? If you were “left,” “hurt,” (who wasn’t, right?) or want to communicate that you don’t “need a man” because of what happened before, (were you ever accused of being “needy?”) check it at the door. A man deserves that you just date HIM, not him plus the five other men whom you dated in yesteryear.

3. Are you comfortable setting boundaries, ensuring that men you date respect them, and don’t get “dragged under” by their charm, manipulation or sheer fear of not meeting someone else when you assert yourself and make sure your boundaries are kept? It is the fear that “this the best I can get,” that can make dating complicated.  When you are disconnected from honoring the still small voice inside, it makes dating complicated, steering you further away from the right road for you.

4.  Are the “Limiting Beliefs” you have regarding dating in check?  For example, do you think it is harder to date successfully in your town because of your age, baggage, wrinkles, size or history?  If so, then it is this very thought can make dating complicated.  These limiting beliefs can cause you to analyze, over-think, wonder what “he’s thinking,” and make excuses when, in fact, the truth is that when you are AUTHENTIC, compassionate, kind, clear and refrain from playing games you will attract the best match for you into your life like a MAGNET.  And when this happens, dating is rarely too complicated.

He's inside!

I recently read an article in which a 41-year old woman, Georgina Merriman, has, at long last, found love and married.  This in and of itself can seem like an impressive feat, given the hopelessness many feel regarding their love lives, but what really excited me was the irony in how her union with this dream man came to be.  You see, for 19 years Georgina has taken the train to and from work each day, and to pass the time she looked for her love online.  Not the type to leave it up to fate, Georgina knew she had to take the reins and control her own destiny if she wanted to find love.  And, while Georgina spent her evenings on the train perusing online dating sites, her future husband sat patiently in the row behind her for almost ONE year.

Finally, Georgina ripped her eyes away from whatever dating site she had been perusing, and her gaze met Mark’s.  The next day he offered her a seat next to him.  A few days after that, they began a full-blown transit-born love affair.

Georgina’s story is not a new one.  This type of love story abounds in novels, movies, or your parent’s relationship, perhaps.  It’s always the same: unsuspecting woman falls in love with least likely candidate–the man sitting patiently–right in front of her face.

The message here is not a hard one.  It’s not that dating sites are bad, or even that you should begin taking the train to work.  Georgina’s story reminds us that, as helpful as dating sites can be in finding a mate, there is simply no replacement for engaging in your life–showing up–in a way you never before considered.

Here are some ways you can do just that, beginning today:

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I’m sure Angelica, my Marketing Assistant, will be upset that I’m using her material for today’s blog, but she asked me a very important question this afternoon regarding her reaction to a Facebook Friend request from “The One” who was her Big Break Up. At first, she said, she was shocked. Then she recoiled, her hands started to shake, and quite frankly, didn’t know what to do.

“Is it weird that I had such a strong reaction to his email?” she asked earnestly. “I don’t have feelings for him, but it took me so long to move past that relationship, and hearing from him freaked me out.”

I told Angelica this: It’s typical, normal and appropriate to get that butterfly, anxious, weird feeling when you get a text from The One, the guy who you just finally stopped thinking about every day. Often, these men come back into our lives to check to make sure we really meant it when we said goodbye. When my relationship with “The One,” ended, I would receive texts from him even though months had gone by since we had broken up. I tried to be friends with him. Sometimes I could. Other times I knew that by the true definition of the word, we could never be friends. It has been six years since that Big Breakup, and be assured I don’t get “the shakes” when he texts these days. The point is this, for years I would get the “tinge,” when I saw his number on my phone. I thought about him on holidays, and sometimes even texted or left messages for old times sake.

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In recent conversations with a variety of dating and relationship gurus, matchmakers nationwide, and good ol’ fashioned humans, I have discovered that men and women are hesitant to give someone a second or third chance if they don’t have the “hots” for him or her on the first meeting.  Here’s the truth, By the end of 2009 the dating industry is expected to top $1.049 billion, and is likely to grow in 2010 at a rate of 10 percent.  What’s more, online dating sites generated 27.5 million unique visitors in June, 2009, alone.  What does this mean?  It means that people are dating.

A lot.

Men and women like you are spending money, time and energy to meet someone with whom they want to fall in love.  What’s more, it means that because there are so many people actively dating, it is easy to rule someone out within 30 seconds of meeting them.  ”Ick,” you think.  ”She’s out.  Who’s next?”  Clients tell me there was “no chemistry,” admitting that after those first thirty seconds they literally stopped engaging with the person. Stopped listening carefully, never looked the person across the table in the eye, and immediately discounted them as someone they wanted to get to know.

The result?  People are dissatisfied.  Frustrated.   Moving through dating experiences numbly, shuffling in and out of coffee shops, flipping through online profiles in disgust.

He’s in.  She’s out.

In. Out.

Go home.

Get back online.

Bad date?  Men and women consistently tell me that they get back on Match.com before they even consider making a cup of tea, watching television, or reading a book.  WOW.  It’s as if we have become so addicted to instant gratification that we have no tolerance or willingness to get  to know if someone could possibly be someone whom we could love.  I’ll admit that a person must, in fact, be attractive to you.  However, what could possibly happen if someone with whom you didn’t think “hot,” became attractive to you because you spent more time together?  Perhaps you begin to notice their sense of humor, the compassion they have for the older woman crossing the street, a cute crinkle in the crease of their eye when they smile, or the way she moved her hands when describing her favorite movie.

Let me tell you my story.  The story of Ari.  I went on six dates with Ari, however I would never have even gone on date number 1 if I wasn’t tired of living with so many “rules,” about whom I would date.  Ari was 5 foot 6 inches.  He was smart.  Good looking, funny.  And successful.   But, despite my interest in him, I kept telling myself that anyone under 5 foot 10 inches was an unacceptable partner.  Nevertheless,  I decided to date Ari, branch out. I liked him, but at 5 foot 7 inches, it felt odd to be so much taller then my date.  Hugging him, I felt huge.  A giantess.  Returning home after the second date,  I pondered.  I dug deeply.  I liked him, but why wasn’t I attracted to him?  It was then that I realized it was an issue — an issue I had buried somewhere between 7th and 8th grade; the summer I grew from 5 foot 1 inches to 5 foot 7 inches.  There, walking the halls of my middle school with boys named Cory, Craig and Eric, boys who were barely five foot tall, I decided tall was “not pretty.”  The voice in my head — the inner critic — shouted it loudly.

“You are too tall.  Too big.  And boys do not like girls who are too big.”

Yikes.  I was shocked, horrified to relive those feelings I had while I was a student at Franklin Junior High School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  And then, I realized the truth.   Tall is sexy.  Plenty of men like taller women.  Hmmmm, I thought.  Could I reframe this whole thing, imagine that it was incredibly sexy to be taller than Ari?  I decided to try, agreeing to date number 3.

Date number 3 rocked.  I had fun.  I laughed.  I even wore heels, relishing in the fun of this new frame of mind.  While Ari ended up being someone who was ultimately “not a match,” I enjoyed getting to know him.  Woot!  Woot!  I did it!  I busted through my limiting beliefs to rule Ari “in!”  Imagine the possibilities, I thought,  if I continued to expand my horizons and begin to think of ways to rule men “in,” instead of quickly judging them as “out,” within seconds of saying hello.

Most of the dating experts, including me, recommend a three-date minimum before you decide it’s “not a match.”  Challenge yourself.  And then let me know what happens once you begin to rely on more than the “Lust-O-Meter” to decide if someone is worth seeing again.

There were many opportunities to date and explore new possibilities this week for Dignity Daters!  One of the most popular questions I received is based on a fundamental Dating With Dignity principle; a date is an opportunity to make a human one-to-one connection with another person — it is not an INTERVIEW!  Quite a relief, isn’t it?  So then, how can you make a shift in your thinking so that you approach a first or second date with the following objectives:

1.  Collect Data

2.  Have Fun

Your question might be, then, how can I collect data if I am not on an interview?  Here is the answer:  Collecting data is simply the act of learning something new about another person.   When you are collecting data then, it is imperative that you engage in active listening, which is very different from merely hearing the words another person says.

When you are engaged in active listening, you accept what is being said to you without making any value judgments.  You simply listen, then clarify, asking the person to more  thoroughly express their ideas or feelings.  Next, you can appropriately reflect the feelings or thoughts back to the person who is speaking using words that validate or acknowledge how they feel. They key to active listening is that  you are not focused on how you can fix the challenge a person may be describing; you are not trying to provide a service or assist the person in some way with your information or knowledge; and last, you are not focusing attention inward,  thinking primarily of what you will say next.

Here is an example of active listening using validation and clarification.

Brad: “I was slammed at work today because my new boss want to prove to his boss that he is going to make a significant difference in my department before the end of the year.”

Sue:  ”That sounds rough.”  (this is an example in which Sue acknowledges Brad’s situation without offering a solution)

Brad:  ”It was.”  He sighs and leans back in his chair.

Sue:  ”Tell me about what it was like when you were working with your old boss?”  (Now Sue follows with an open-ended clarifying question so she can learn more about Brad’s situation.)

In addition, a date that is based on having a human connection rather than an interview involves asking open-ended questions (questions that don’t result in a “yes” or “no” answer) throughout the date.  Thus, just imagine your sole objective is to engage in curious conversation– that is, you are simply curious to learn, explore and interact with your date without judgements such as “he would be a perfect match,” or  ”this would never work.”

Once you begin to engage in active listening, ensure that date numbers one and two are FUN!  Remember, you are most at risk for an “interview-esque” date when you stay within the traditional rigid boundaries of a dinner, coffee or  lunch date.  However, a date in which you share an experience that is new to both of you, or  one which simply involves experiencing something together, is most likely to result in open, relaxed conversation, laughter, and opportunities for you to see the person in a natural, less stressful environment.  (Who wants to be nervous about chewing with their mouth full, using the correct silverware, or spilling their glass of wine– even the most refined among us get’s nervous in this situation!)  Here then, are a few ideas for active, experiential dates:

1.  putt-putt golf

2. bowling

3.  hiking

4. walking on the beach, a park or other setting that involves nature

5.  rent rollar blades/skates and learn to skate together

6.  ride horses

7.  farmer’s market

8. art festival

Become a “Data-Dater” in the next few weeks and let me know how this Dating With Dignity approach to dating impacts your ability to feel more comfortable and confident.  Not dating regularly?  No worries!  In fact, this is the best time to practice your active listening skills with friends and family.  Once you become at ease with this skill, you will find that your connections to the people in your life have deepened significantly.  I can’t wait to hear about YOUR results!

Have you seen the movie that is currently in release called, “The Invention of Lying?” I saw it last week with Jem and, coincidently, the question of honesty, and “what is the truth,” has been coming up for many Dating With Dignity clients. How honest should you be? Should you disclose everything? If so, when? When it’s “not a match,” should you tell why?

First off, most men and women will say that they want a partner who is honest. In fact, when my clients are creating lists of values they hold as important for themselves and others, honesty ranks in the top five of “must-have’s.” In digging deeper, we typically discuss what honesty looks like to them. Yes, while it seems obvious that honesty is not up for discussion or debate, there are certain situations we discuss in which it might not be necessary or appropriate to tell the absolute truth.

1. How many lovers have you had in the past? When it comes to kiss and tell, discussing your past is not necessary. The past is done, and for most of us it bares no reflection of who we have are now. If you feel that you must know about your partner’s sexual past, ask yourself why it is important? Do you hold judgements that impact your ability to see a potential partner for who they are now? Or, are you holding on to shame or labels from your past? If so, are you projecting these feelings you have about yourself onto someone else? To be a successful dater, you must ensure you don’t bring your past into the present by unconsciously treating someone new as if he or she were all the “bad” men and/or women from your past. If you feel you must know, do not bring up the subject for at least six months into your relationship. This way, both of you know each other quite well and will be able to put information from the past into proper context.

2. When do I discuss STDs? If you have an STD, it is important that you are honest with your partner, when it becomes appropriate and necessary to discuss these issues. Clearly, the topic of sexually transmitted disease is not first date fodder. In fact, do not discuss STD’s until you are dating someone and both of you have agreed that the relationship holds potential for becoming monogamous. Make sure you have this conversation vertical and clothed. It is not something best brought up or discussed in the heat of passion.

3. Are you dating other people? In the 21st century both men and women are dating, a lot. The internet, especially, has made it quite easy for both sexes to have multiple dates in one week. What happens, then, when there is someone with whom you have a connection and want to explore the possibility of relationship. When, if ever, do you let him or her know that you are still dating other people? If you begin to date this person consistently, he or she is someone with whom you would like to continue dating because there is long-term potential, and choose to have sex with him or her, the Dating With Dignity point of view is to make it clear (explicit) that you are still dating other people (if this is true). Typically, men may make the assumption a woman is not sleeping with others if she is having sex with him. If you are a man, and are still dating other people while dating this person, you must be honest, treat her with respect, and enable her to make an informed choice about how she wants to be in the relationship. Perhaps she won’t want to have sex with you if you are still dating others, regardless of whether or not you are having sex with any of the other people you are dating. You do not want this person to mistakenly assume that because you are intimate with each other you are no longer dating other people. Many women will assume that if they have been dating a man consistently and then choose to become intimate, the man is going to be exclusive. None of these assumptions can be made without having an honest discussion, preferably prior to having sex. Again, have this conversation while standing vertically and clothed.

4. If it’s not a match, should you make up an excuse as to why you don’t want to see this person again? Using the words, “it’s not a match,” is a powerful way to politely disengage from someone with whom you are not interested in dating. Lying, neglect, or choosing to ignore phone calls and text messages are not appropriate if you are dating with dignity. If you are looking for someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then don’t play games. As one of the Dating With Dignity Man Panelists stated recently, “If you play games, then you leave us no choice but to do the same.” This holds true for both men and women. It’s the golden rule, “do unto others as you would have them do to you.” As you know, there is nothing worse then wondering why someone didn’t call when they said they would, questioning why he or she flakes repeatedly, or basing your expectations of a relationship’s potential based on false hopes or impressions. Be honest. Tell him or her that it’s not a match, and then create space for someone else to come into your life.