It’s Christmas Eve Day, and quite frankly while I am really feeling blessed and blissed, I am also frustrated!  I haven’t seen my kids in more than one week (they are with their dad) and for someone who is a recovering control freak, I hate feeling so “out of control.”  This is the time where I remember to take my own advice, and step out of this victim, ick feeling and begin to feel grateful for the incredible relationship I typically have with my kids’ father, the friends who love me here in Maui and at home, and the fact that my boyfriend is supportive of me despite my complaining (even though these days he is slightly obsessed with the 40 foot waves that are expected on the North Shore of Maui on Christmas Day!)  Knowing all this, he is not responsible for “getting me out of this mood,” nor is the sunshine, the gym or the tray of chocolates on the dining room table.  I get to be responsible for me, for transforming this day into one of calm, peace and gratitude.  I am going to forgive myself for agreeing to this vacation schedule with my ex-husband without really looking closely at the dates, jump into the day, and make it incredible!

Now, on to the guest blog, written by David Shade.  While it has nothing to do with Christmas, per se, it does for me.  It was on Christmas Eve, six years ago, that I was madly in love with the consummate bad boy.  He was all these things.  Sometimes he was worse.  Sometimes he was better.  I tell people, “he was the best, worst thing that ever happened to me” because the pain I suffered as a result of this relationship was debilitating.  The good news is that it took me to the depths of myself, forcing me to pick myself up, transform my thinking, and take back control of my life.

My wish is for you to take control of your life in 2010.  I’m here to support you on the journey.  In the meantime, I’m going to smile, post this blog, breathe deeply, and do what is necessary to enjoy the warm Maui breeze

Read the rest of this entry →

For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.

It was a weekend filled with many questions from clients and DWD fans, and I would love to have Mondays be my official Q and A day.  So, if you have a question, shoot me an email at DatingWithDignity@gmail.com and I will begin to answer them on Mondays.  Here are two to get us started!

Question #1: Is there a way to sleep with a man, and keep your dignity? To answer this question thoroughly requires that you have an awareness about a few of the  Dating With Dignity Tools, and how they help you date with dignity.  While an in-depth examination of this question requires time and coaching, you can begin now by asking yourself one primary question:  ”What is my relationship goal?”  When answering this question, make sure you are specific and clear.  For example. I am looking to find a man with whom I can have children and marry.  Or, I am looking for a woman who doesn’t want kids, and wants a committed relationship but does not require that we be married.  Or, I would like to have a casual, sexually exclusive relationship with someone whom I date 2-3 times per week.   Or last, I am looking to have some safe, honest fun because I know I am not ready to make a commitment.

Once you know what you are looking for, then you can begin to make discerning decisions that are in harmony with your relationship goals.  If you have a relationship goal and vision in which you are in an exclusive, committed relationship then the Dating With Dignity guideline is to adhere to “The Rule of 60–Days, that is,” meaning that you do not have intercourse with someone you are dating for a minimum of 60 days.  For the inside scoop on this, ask me for a copy of the latest Man Panel teleconference at datingwithdignity@gmail.com.  Put “MAN PANEL” in the subject line.  This recording will let you hear, first hand, why men believe women who are girlfriend material will say no when it comes to having sex.  Ultimately, however, it is ONLY you who knows what situations put you are at risk for waking up feeling that you made a bad choice.  If you are looking for a committed relationship but have an open, honest relationship with Mr. Quality Casual, and you choose to have sex with him or her, make sure you are most importantly, honest with yourself.  Can you really have “no strings attached” sex, or is too difficult for you to compartmentalize.  Again, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, my best advice is to hold out on having sex.  You will not only preserve your dignity but increase the chances that Mr. Right will get to know and value you for WHO you are, not what you “put out.”

Question #2:  What is the difference between, “just not that into me,” and “just not into a relationship?” Ultimately, you must go back to question #1 and decide what it is you are looking for. If you are looking for a relationship, know that if a man who you have been dating does not call or ask you out for the upcoming weekend (or, if you are a man, your phone call goes unreturned or she says she is busy this weekend), chances are he or she is not into having a relationship with YOU, or perhaps with anyone at this time.  The bottom line is this:  stop wondering why he or she didn’t call, and begin to recognize that by saying no to these type of men and women you are creating space in your life; space in which there is now room for someone who is INTO YOU, and into a having a relationship to come into your life.

By Angelica Martin, Dating With Dignity Marketing Assistant

It’s complicated.

Who hasn’t uttered those two words when confronted with the realization that the perfect man you’ve been dating, with whom you share an intense connection, may not be showing up.

Of course, he’s there. He’s texting, calling you baby, sleeping with you, and maybe even cooking you dinner. You fall asleep in each other’s arms, and you blissfully leave the next morning, more confident than ever in the direction your relationship is heading.

But that’s Tuesday. By Wednesday, he needs to withdraw. By Saturday, your stomach is in knots, wondering where he is and why he hasn’t contacted you. You replay Tuesday’s date over and over again in your mind, looking for some sign, something that you may have missed. Just when you’ve gone over all possible explanations with your girlfriends, and wisely ignored their advice to, “just call him and say hey,” your text message alert goes off:

I miss you.

This may or may not be past 9:00 at night, and more often than not it is past midnight. A smile spreads across your lips, your heart swells, and you scold yourself for being so dramatic. He misses you–he just needed some time. All is right with the world.

Until next week, that is, because this is the pattern. These high-charged shifts between being emotionally available and then withdrawing back into his own little world leave you in a constant state of confused limbo, analyzing what you should or could do to revive Tuesday’s bliss. When a few brave friends question you about his disappearing acts, you respond with:

It’s complicated.

Girl, it is not complicated. This man, this perfect man, for whatever reason, is not in this and probably never was. We can’t do this to ourselves anymore. We can’t pretend we are in relationships with men that are not showing up.

The right person is not enigmatic. The right person shows up, literally and figuratively. The right person calls when he says he’s going to call, and you honestly aren’t left wondering if he will or he won’t. Because he always does. And you will never, ever, have to say, “it’s complicated” with the right person. Because guess what? It’s never complicated. It either is, or it isn’t.

As a coach who tries to be there for her clients during difficult times, I encourage men and women to text or email during the weekends if they need support in living up to the dating/relationship intentions they set for themselves. This weekend was no different.

I have a client, let’s call her Jane, who met a man online a few weeks ago. He had been out of the country since they first “met” online so she had been communicating with him via text and email. During the course of these emails she began to connect with him (let’s call him Brad) because they share similar interests and appear to have the same values. As can be expected, Jane began to really “fall” for Brad, and I thus encouraged her to pull back and wait until he returned to Los Angeles to continue communicating with Brad at length. She didn’t want to engage in a pattern she has which is to begin to see a man as “the one,” before he has even come close to being a candidate for that title.

Once Brad returned to Los Angeles on Thursday, he begin to email and text Jane repeatedly. He didn’t ask her out, however, and Jane grew tired of the emails, telling Brad she wasn’t really a big “fan of texting.” In this text, she also told Brad she was looking forward to speaking with him, and asked him to call her to ” catch up” when he was able. On Saturday, upon returning to her car after her workout, Jane received another text from Brad. As she had both feared– and expected, he hadn’t called her for a date. He sent a text. In fact, Brad apologized in the text for being “last minute,” yet he was hoping she was available to meet for drinks that evening.

Jane was confused and disappointed that Brad had not called. Mostly, however, Jane was afraid because even though she knew she should tell Brad “no,” to the last minute invite via text, her desire to see him was mounting feverishly. It was then that she texted me. We discussed a possible response.

Confidently, Jane replied to Brad texting him, “I already have plans tonight. Call me and let’s make a plan to get together.” xoxo Jane.

A perfect response, given the fact that Brad had ignored her request for a phone call. This text was kind, sweet, polite and communicated the fact that while she was busy, she still was looking forward to meeting him. Once again, it communicated her expectation that he would call.

Moments later Jane texted me to say she felt sick, and that saying no to Brad was, in her words, brutal. Her day became more challenging, as she waited for Brad to call. Again, she texted me to say she was beginning to have doubts about her decisions. She asked me to remind her why she had said no to Brad’s invitation.

I did remind her. I asked Jane what kind of man she wants to have as a partner. In answering she used words like honest, responsible, communicative and loving. I asked her if she felt that Brad had shown these traits in his attempt to meet her. She interrupted me, trying to tell me that in their email exchanges Brad had shown himself to be all of these things. I stopped her mid-sentence.

“Jane,” I said. “It doesn’t matter, really, how Brad showed up for you online or via text. What matters, is this; how is Brad showing up now? Is he, in fact, thus far proving to be a man who is honest, responsible, communicative or loving? Or is he, in actuality, showing up like the other men you have dated, men who have consistently been unavailable, not looking for a long-term committment?

Jane sighed. She was frustrated, angry, and disappointed that Brad might not be who she imagined.

It was 1:37 pm on Saturday when I last texted Jane. I didn’t hear from her again, until Sunday, nearly 24 hours later.

“I wasn’t strong enough, Marni.” she wrote. “I couldn’t do it. I still have so much work to do on myself.”

This time, while she was able to say “no” to Brad (a victory in itself), Jane wasn’t able to follow through on her intention. She discovered it felt horrible to wait. And that, ultimately, the work she needs to do is related to these important new discoveries. When Jane and I have our next session I will remind her that this is just a little mistake. And that mistakes present us with opportunities to learn. Jane learned that when confronted with loneliness and the possibility of losing Brad, even though letting him go might create space for a better match to come into her life, she couldn’t change her behavior. She realized that her fears and the resulting discomfort kept her from doing what was necessary to follow through on her intention.

Bravo Jane. Bravo for trying. Bravo for learning. And bravo for allowing me to share your story so that others can be inspired by your journey.

Have a GREAT week, and for those in Los Angeles, see you at the Dating With Dignity LIVE Ask the Expert Event tonight at 7pm. Until then, keep dating with dignity. It will be worth the effort.

There is much going on behind the scenes at Dating With Dignity to help me fulfill my purpose on this planet, which is to bring more love, light and dignity into the world. Without incredible support from my “behind the scenes” team, it would be difficult for me to share the important tools, strategies and techniques you need to date and participate in relationships successfully. What’s most interesting, and quite honestly, fun, about the team I’ve built, is that they are men. Men who are not only intelligent, respectful, and sensitive, but who date and engage in relationships with dignity. In addition to my number one cheerleader and boyfriend, Jem, there is my Business coach, Mat Boggs, incredibly reliable go-to guy, Aaron, the many Man Panelists I work with who provide COMmentary at Dating With Dignity events, and Jason Miller, the man who is the brilliance behind the vision and execution for making this website come to life.

I intend to introduce them all to you via this blog, and thus today you have the pleasure of getting inside the mind of Jason Miller, Chief Creative Officer of Peaceful Media. Jason has contributed two posts describing how to successfully identify and date “Mr. Elusive.” Mr. Elusive is different from “Mr. Quality Casual,” because he often states he wants a relationship yet isn’t willing to commit to exclusivity. He thrives on girlfriend privileges, often acts the part of boyfriend quite well, but will directly tell you he isn’t comfortable, or ready for commitment. Jason believes, however, that you can engage in a relationship with “Mr. Elusive,” if it is managed properly. I invite your comments.

Read on.

Introducing “Mr. Elusive,” or as Jason refers to himself, the Mountain Unicorn, Mr. Muni.