Dating With Dignity

Another MUST-WATCH Video featuring our reality show star, Carolin Bennett!

Carolin documented her 90-day journey to Ignite her Life with Marni and a fabulous group of coaches.

Watch it here…

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When it comes to answering the question, “why are you still single,” it’s so simple to place blame on circumstance. In fact, when I hear women who are my clients, women who gather at the table next to mine in a restaurant, or even women on “The Bachelor” answer this question, it involves three major reasons:

1. There are NO good men in my city. They are ALL (e.g., hicks, players, shallow, stupid, lazy and spoiled)

2. I am too old, too fat or some other excuse related to your external physical appearance.

3. I hate dating, and I don’t know how to meet men.

Once their icy conviction enters the atmosphere and lingers for a while, energetically tainting the space, I ask my favorite question…

“How true is that REALLY?”

Which then leads, in most cases, to

a deep dive into each woman’s true fears, her story, her beliefs, and a diatribe of her past heartaches. All of which ultimately prevent her from creating the love she truly desires. That said, if you are open to looking into your heart and cast blame aside in 2011, I invite you to consider that while navigating the MANimal jungle is most definately a challenge, you are also possibly a “type,” and that “type” may not be the “type” Mr. Boyfriend Materials desires in a long-term partner.

There are four archetypal women who roam the dating jungle, and conveniently they seem to be so darn archetypal that they in fact seem to be the main characteristic traits of four women American’s have come to love – the women of TV’s famed HBO series, “Sex and the City.” So then, what follows is a brief overview of the Dating With Dignity Archetypal Women Who Roam the Dating Jungle and thoughts, beliefs and dating behaviors which may be keeping them stuck in a romantic rut.

Who are you and how is this impacting your ability to MANifest the love you so deserve?

Miranda

AKA The “Tough Girl”

Ahh, Miranda. I loved her. She made me mad, yet I felt like in many ways I was her. And, I really became quite frustrated when she left Steve. In my practice I meet many “Tough Girls,” who are often accused of having tons of “masculine energy,” yet are successful in so many areas of  life. You may be a “Tough Girl” if your thoughts run like this:

“Men are intimated by me”
“Men aren’t attracted to successful women”
“I’m done playing games”
This is not worth the trouble”
“Dating is a waste of time — does he really think I would go out with him?”
“I’m accomplished” and I that’s important.

Many Tough girls are “black and white” thinkers, judging everything, everyone and every experience as either good or bad. Tough Girls can be perceived as aloof or women who like to “play games.” Some are workaholics and some say that men who are attracted to them are “not my type.” The Tough Girl will wonder, silently to herself, “How come I’ve been successful at everything but dating?”

Charlotte
AKA “The Nice Girl”

To be honest, Charlotte sorta made my skin crawl! She was so soft, mushy and let Trey walk all over her. Nevertheless, she kept trying. In truth, I think she rubbed me the wrong way because in some ways I was so like her in the past, staying with men who didn’t treat me as I deserved; all the while making me feel like it was ME who needed to change, adjust and adapt. In my practice I meet many “Nice Girls,” who stay with men who are “fixer uppers. You may be a “Nice Girl” if your thoughts and beliefs run like this:

“He’s got so much potential”
“I’m going to give him a second chance”
“Why are guys always interested in being my friend?”
“Why do guys always ask me for advice about the girls they are dating?”
“Guys never give back what I put forth”
“ Why do I always date men who aren’t that into me?”

Nice Girls know they are a total catch – all their male friends tell them so – yet they continue to date men who “need” them financially, emotionally and seem to never give back at the same level.  The Nice Girl may vary between bouts of guilt, self pity and anger, but when push comes to shove, the Nice Girl will back down and blame others, if not herself.

Check out Part II coming tomorrow and see if you are the “Scared Girl,” or perhaps even the girl who is perceived as the “Life of the Party.”  While men may LOVE to have both of these types in their lives they may not be who they want to date long-term.

In the meantime,

*** If you are interested in learning more about the FOUR dating archtypes and how to have a breakthrough to become HIS type, don’t miss the FREE “Ignite Your Life” Sneak Preview Teleclass on Sunday, January 16 at 6pm PST.

*** If you are interested in learning additional techniques to improve your communication, don’t miss the FREE “Ignite Your Life” Sneak Preview Teleclass on Sunday, January 16 at 6pm PST.

By Michal Spiegelman

Thanksgiving is a time of celebration, a time of gratitude. Read on to learn how to make gratitude practical & fun and receive a FREE 15-min Guided Gratitude Meditation, especially for you.

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can”.
The Dalai Lama

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Earlier this week we discussed the challenges involved in setting boundaries.  The good news is that the clients I have been working the past few days are becoming “Boundary-Setting Rock Stars!”  From not accepting inappropriate behavior and the resultant “we’re not a match chat,” to a parent lovingly telling her teenage son she loves him, but will no longer allow him to speak to her using certain words, these women are taking steps towards creating self love that is boosting their confidence, making them happy, and feeling empowered.

While all this is fabulous, the hours and days after setting the boundary can often be a grueling test of our commitment to self-care and maintaing our dignity.  Here are a few tips and scripts to ensure that when you set a boundary, you are able to enforce it with love, compassion and fierce commitment to YOU:

1.  An effective boundary is one in which YOU are in control of you, and not based on the other person changing his/her behavior. Quite simply, it is not a boundary if you can not enforce it.  For example, if you no longer want to receive text messages or phone calls after ten pm, you would simply ask the man who is calling after 10 to not call you after this time, and then gently let him know you will no longer accept his calls.  Then, of course, you must follow through on your commitment.  Often, when someone is on the receiving end of a boundary they will test you to see if you are sincere. (See number 3 below.)

2.  Be clear. When setting a boundary, make sure you are SPECIFIC and clear when articulating it to the receiver.  Often, if there is room for interpretation, the receiver will take this space and create his or her own version of the boundary, using his/her interpretation as an excuse to wiggle and manipulate.  If the boundary involves someone doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing, and communicate it in a loving and compassion tone.  Setting a boundary does not require “conflict-energy.”  In fact, to be an effective boundary setter, practice using the Dating With Dignity “Combat-Free Communication System” in which you:

• acknowledge the other person’s feelings and state your understanding of his or her position,
• state your needs clearly,
• and, create an opportunity to collaborate with him or her to come to resolve the challenge.

In order to set a firm boundary and articulate it with clarity, you first must be clear on the boundary yourself.  This is a great opportunity to get help from your coach or a supportive friend, to ensure that all the “holes” are filled, and that there is no wiggle room for the receiver.  If you are a person whose “default tendency” when you feel under the gun plummets towards uncertainty and  self-doubt, take time before the conversation to anchor yourself to your values, rights, and long-term goals.

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Casual Sex. It seems to be a right of passage for many women. We are proud that we can finally have guilt-free, no-strings-attached sex with friends, or near strangers. And, for the most part, there really is nothing wrong with it, as long as everything is safe and protected, and you’re being honest about truly wanting a casual, noncommittal setup.

So where do the problems arise? When you start wanting more.

Once you’ve been used to living in a world of hook ups and pseudo intimacy, it can be hard to make the transition into land o’ love with Mr. Boyfriend Material. And, we have to be honest, your chances of reforming anyone in your current booty call line up are slim to none.

This means that you have to start over fresh. At Dating With Dignity, we believe in order to get different results you have to do things differently. Your old ways aren’t going to cut it anymore and, as with any change in behavior or habit, it’s going to be hard and you can expect to be tempted back into your old ways from time to time.

Luckily, we’ve compiled some tips to make it easier for you to stay on track towards your very own happily ever after:

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He's inside!

I recently read an article in which a 41-year old woman, Georgina Merriman, has, at long last, found love and married.  This in and of itself can seem like an impressive feat, given the hopelessness many feel regarding their love lives, but what really excited me was the irony in how her union with this dream man came to be.  You see, for 19 years Georgina has taken the train to and from work each day, and to pass the time she looked for her love online.  Not the type to leave it up to fate, Georgina knew she had to take the reins and control her own destiny if she wanted to find love.  And, while Georgina spent her evenings on the train perusing online dating sites, her future husband sat patiently in the row behind her for almost ONE year.

Finally, Georgina ripped her eyes away from whatever dating site she had been perusing, and her gaze met Mark’s.  The next day he offered her a seat next to him.  A few days after that, they began a full-blown transit-born love affair.

Georgina’s story is not a new one.  This type of love story abounds in novels, movies, or your parent’s relationship, perhaps.  It’s always the same: unsuspecting woman falls in love with least likely candidate–the man sitting patiently–right in front of her face.

The message here is not a hard one.  It’s not that dating sites are bad, or even that you should begin taking the train to work.  Georgina’s story reminds us that, as helpful as dating sites can be in finding a mate, there is simply no replacement for engaging in your life–showing up–in a way you never before considered.

Here are some ways you can do just that, beginning today:

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There is no such thing as “stuck.” As you may know, at Dating With Dignity I often talk about how we get trapped by language. Here’s the good news. Try this on for size:

In truth, “stuck” is the exact, right space for me to be in, because there are lessons to learn RIGHT HERE, right NOW.

Holy wow!  Imagine my surprise when I discovered this concept a few years ago when pondering why I was unsatisfied, afraid, and confused regarding the status of my relationship with Max, a teacher I had been dating for three months from San Francisco.  Freed from thinking I was like a “truck stuck in the muck,” I invited “stuck” to really seep into my consciousness.  I’m not stuck, I decided.  In fact, this is an opportunity to grow.  This is a new place for me.  If I choose to expand; to move towards the “stuck,” I  will ultimately move closer to what I truly want.

Then, I begin to literally envision myself magnetizing new, unknown information — drawing the lessons I needed to learn from this relationship towards myself.  I asked the “still quiet voice” inside for guidance.

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I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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Just when I seemed to forget that there are so many women who have not yet discovered the joy of dating with dignity (a.k.a. “Lost Girls), I get to hear stories from some of my male clients who reveal the behaviors of women on the dating scene in Los Angeles.  While many would be shocked to hear what happens across dinner tables, in apartments, and on the telephone daily, the truth is that is happens every day.  Repeatedly.

I want to take this opportunity to be clear.  If you are guilty of any of the following behaviors, I invite you to STOP immediately.  As they say, “do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.”  Just stop.

Here’s the official “Yikes.  This Sounds Like Me” checklist.  (And in answer to your question, I did NOT make this up!)

1.  You tell the man you are sitting across from, on the first, date that you have “been looking for someone just like him.”

2.  You send him texts before the first date, or immediately after referring to him as “babe” or “honey.”  Occasionally you use “sweetheart” to mix it up.

3.  When invited up to “his place,”  (the first red flag is that she says yes to coming up to his place on the first or second date) you begin to comment how your cats would love his patio.

4.  You ask him what his mortgage payments are, then tell him sweetly how nice it would be if you could combine your assets to “move on up” together one day  (Yes, this happened on a first date, I swear.)

5.  You tell him you could “see the two of you together” because you like his “vibe.”

I won’t go on.  You get the point.  If, in fact,  you (or your best friend, sister or niece) have done or said these things before, be assured that you are in great company.  The remedy?  Stop. Think. And breathe.  Then, spend some time perusing datingwithdignity.com.  Make some tea.  Read a few blogs. Check out the CoMENtary.  Download some freebie audio tele-classes. And look into attending an upcoming event.  In the meantime, remember this….

There are many former “Lost Girls” who have become Dignity Daters, now living a life filled with love, quality men, and joy.  And you never know, it can happens to the best of them.

In fact, one of those former “Lost Girls” might just be the author of this blog.