Dating With Dignity

I am so excited to launch into answering questions we have been receiving via email and Facebook so that you can understand how to Break Free from your Romantic Rut and find partnership, love of self and a partner, as well as peace and confidence!

For those of you who are new to Dating With Dignity, let me give you a brief orientation on our philosophy regarding how to be in a successful relationship.

One of the first steps I believe you must take to being truly “ready” to be in a healthy, interdependent relationship (I’m talking about emotionally ready, not just ready in your intellect,  because your biological clock is ticking, your parents are “worried” about you, or your kids are finally more independent) is to take a deep look at what your typical dating and relationship patterns may be. It’s not that we want to dig into the past, therapy style, but more importantly for this work, simply be brave enough to recognize the following:

1.  What are my typical dating patterns (who do I usually attract, how do I “feel” in relationship, how do my relationships end?)

2.  What are the beliefs I have about relationship, my self, love, commitment, and men.  Do these beliefs limit me?  Do I have assumptions that those things that have happened in my past (e.g., I was left, cheated on, hurt, burned, objectified etc) will happen in the future?

3. Am I willing to look at how these beliefs have held me hostage, and am I ready to do the work necessary to move through them so that I can ultimately attract a partner who loves me not only in word, but via his actions OVER TIME?

Let’s use one of the brave questions I received recently as an example:

“I’m 59 and have been dating a guy for 18 months.  He has been married three times and he’s scared to death.  It’s like we were made for each other. H e does exhibit signs of what I know is true…that he is the child of an alcoholic parent…so he enjoys his alone time.  (I  mean he goes into a cave like setting when he needs to be alone.)  What can I do to help him?  Should I join Alanon just to learn?  We’re in love and we have no doubts about that, but when he does this I FEEL all alone.”  – C

Here we go…

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I am back at Dating With Dignity after a nearly four week hiatus traveling in Europe.  I was traveling with my three daughters ages, 14.5, 12, and 8, plus my partner of 18 months, The Brit.  We have all travelled together before, including three weeks in Hawaii, what seems like a zillion long weekends in Scottsdale, Arizona and Napa, California, as well as a two week trek through the Northwest and Canada last summer.

I had nothing but HUGE expectations for this trip, and never for a moment intended it would be anything less than perfect.  And that, my dear friends, was my BIGGEST mistake.

Perfect?  What the hell is perfect, anyway?

After all,  who is “perfect?”  What trip is ever  ”perfect?”  What accommodations are “perfect?”  What weather is “perfect?”  Nothing, I might have realized before leaving, would be perfect.

Yet, despite my advanced training and professional accolades, when the “shit hits the fan,” and I am under stress, I  consistently struggle with wanting to categorize everything into TWO categories — For example, a person is “In” or “Out.”  A situation is “Good or Bad.”  In fact, because of this tendency to think in terms of only “black” or “white,” and demanding nothing less than “perfect” I spent much time during my hiatus reminding myself to live, “in the question mark.”

What is the Question Mark?

I like to use imagery to help clients (and myself) understand what life is like when lived “in the question mark.”  Imagine then, if you will, the two extreme options.  For example, the man I am dating is “in”  – meaning he is “the one,” or he is “out,” meaning I must break up with him immediately.  If I choose to live in the “question mark,” however, I am standing smack dab in the middle of both these extreme options.

What, though, does it feel like to BE, to LIVE  life in the question mark?  Here’s how to experience those feelings so that you can begin to go there effortlessly when you feel yourself heading down the path of “either/or”  black and white thinking

1.  Think of  a situation or person you might typically categorize into either “bad” or “good.”

2.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself standing at a crossroads with two distinct road signs pointing in opposite directions.  One sign reads “in,” or whatever extremely positive category you choose, while the other sign reads “out,” or the opposite of the other sign.

3.  Walk towards the positive alternative — this is the road that will lead you to the “good” feelings, and then experience these positive feelings completely.  Feel into experiences, thoughts or actions that create these “good” feelings. Pause here for 30 seconds, feeling these positive feelings completely without judgement.

4.  Now, walk towards the negative alternative — the road that will lead you to the “bad” feelings.  Then, feel into the experiences, thoughts or actions that can create these “bad” feelings.  Again, pause for 30 seconds to feel into the feelings completely without judgement.

5.  Walk back to the crossroads.  How does it feel standing there, in neutral territory?  I know that for me when I stand in this place it can feel completely foreign.  I feel “out of control,” and often it’s because in the “question mark” I don’t know how I am “supposed” to feel.  It can be SO strange because in this place — in the question mark — there is no definitive answer.  It is purely the experience of simply BEING.

During my trip to Europe I put myself in the question mark often — especially when my kids were arguing or I was frustrated with The Brit.  Reflecting now, I can’t believe how often I found myself fantasizing the options or outcomes that were  the result of  choosing to see an experience as either black or white.  For example, I either want to marry The Brit tomorrow, or break up with him tonight.  I am NEVER taking my kids on a trip again, or I am planning next summer’s trip across American in an RV and hoping I can have them for 3 weeks instead of 2 1/2.  Ultimately, I was able to get to the question mark without much grief or frustration, and begin to simply experience EVERYTHING without judgement. What a joy it was to live in this beautiful yet slightly uncomfortable place!

Life in the question mark is neither black or white.  It is GREY.

Life in the question mark requires simply being. Life in the question mark means experiencing life without judgement.  Life in the question mark requires that I shift my focus from “the destination” to the journey itself.

And so it is the journey …the process… the learning…and being able to experience moments of sheer joy, frustration, or even anger… that becomes just as important as “the date,” you might go on next weekend, as seeing the Eiffel Tower, walking by the Thames, or viewing Michaelangelo’s  ”The David” in all it’s magnificence.

Let go of “perfect,” check out GREY today and see what life is like when it’s YOUR Fall color.  I can’t wait to hear how it goes…

P.S. If you have a tendency towards “black or white” thinking and are curious what other limiting thoughts, beliefs and actions might be stifling your love life, make sure to take the “D-Factor” Date-ability Assessment ASAP and work with me directly to create YOUR plan for change now!

I celebrated my birthday yesterday.  I turned 44.  And while it was “my day,” it was also one day in a string of many that have included a flurry of graduation celebrations (two of my kids graduated and are attending new schools in the fall), the birthday of my “baby” who turned eight, organizing a trip for seven to Europe, and launching a new part of my business. All glorious things which are the fruits of the creating the life I love — fruits which bring love, as well as stress and responsibilities.

Last night, when I came home in between dropping my teenager at her graaduation party, changing clothes, grabbing the “presents” and heading back to the Pacific Palisades for dinner with my dad, his wife, my step-sister, boyfriend and kids, I walked into the kitchen to find an array of incredible flower arrangements and a package of chocolate covered strawberries — all sent to me by incredible friends, clients and coworkers.  ”Holy Wow,” I thought, almost in tears.

How many years had I only “wished” someone, just even one person, would send me flowers, unappreciative of what I had received or too numb to even notice.

How many years had I built up expectations of what a birthday celebration “should” look like, imagining how my kids were supposed to act?  Frustrated by my former husband and lovers, thinking the plans they made should be better, or different.  Often times I settled, often times I was living in a fantasy, and other times I was simply so disconnected I spent most of the day lost in my thoughts, trapped in my head.

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Earlier this week we discussed the challenges involved in setting boundaries.  The good news is that the clients I have been working the past few days are becoming “Boundary-Setting Rock Stars!”  From not accepting inappropriate behavior and the resultant “we’re not a match chat,” to a parent lovingly telling her teenage son she loves him, but will no longer allow him to speak to her using certain words, these women are taking steps towards creating self love that is boosting their confidence, making them happy, and feeling empowered.

While all this is fabulous, the hours and days after setting the boundary can often be a grueling test of our commitment to self-care and maintaing our dignity.  Here are a few tips and scripts to ensure that when you set a boundary, you are able to enforce it with love, compassion and fierce commitment to YOU:

1.  An effective boundary is one in which YOU are in control of you, and not based on the other person changing his/her behavior. Quite simply, it is not a boundary if you can not enforce it.  For example, if you no longer want to receive text messages or phone calls after ten pm, you would simply ask the man who is calling after 10 to not call you after this time, and then gently let him know you will no longer accept his calls.  Then, of course, you must follow through on your commitment.  Often, when someone is on the receiving end of a boundary they will test you to see if you are sincere. (See number 3 below.)

2.  Be clear. When setting a boundary, make sure you are SPECIFIC and clear when articulating it to the receiver.  Often, if there is room for interpretation, the receiver will take this space and create his or her own version of the boundary, using his/her interpretation as an excuse to wiggle and manipulate.  If the boundary involves someone doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing, and communicate it in a loving and compassion tone.  Setting a boundary does not require “conflict-energy.”  In fact, to be an effective boundary setter, practice using the Dating With Dignity “Combat-Free Communication System” in which you:

• acknowledge the other person’s feelings and state your understanding of his or her position,
• state your needs clearly,
• and, create an opportunity to collaborate with him or her to come to resolve the challenge.

In order to set a firm boundary and articulate it with clarity, you first must be clear on the boundary yourself.  This is a great opportunity to get help from your coach or a supportive friend, to ensure that all the “holes” are filled, and that there is no wiggle room for the receiver.  If you are a person whose “default tendency” when you feel under the gun plummets towards uncertainty and  self-doubt, take time before the conversation to anchor yourself to your values, rights, and long-term goals.

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