If Valentine’s Day were a person I would be defending her, taking her to lunch to help “pump” her up, and unabashedly wondering why people are avoiding her at all costs.  I mean, geez, she’s just a pink and red Hallmark holiday moment. She doesn’t smell.  Dress weird, or have bad breath.

It seems the truth is, or at least what seems like the truth based on all the email blasts I have been getting from love coaches in the last few days, is that if you are single on this holiday then you should accordingly be depressed, sad, hopeless and bitter.  You should need to take a class to feel better, be mad that the guy you have been casually dating hasn’t “stepped up” to the plate.  If you are in a relationship, you should feel “bad” for putting pressure on your beloved to show up with a bit of romance on Sunday.  In fact, one email I got said that she and her partner were “boycotting” Valentine’s Day because they show love towards one another daily.

STOP the presses.  REALLY, now.  Does Valentine’s Day deserve to be trashed?

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I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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There are so many moments in our lives when we feel stuck.  We see how we “want” to be, yet  recognize that the negative thoughts and feelings we have are the result of certain triggers, (e.g, situations or people) that make us feel powerless, reconnect us to the pain we are trying to leave behind, or create ick feelings of frustration.   What’s most difficult is that it can happen when we least expect it, even those moments when we are feeling super groovy.

When you are triggered, however, it doesn’t mean you have to stay “stuck” in this ick feeling.  There are techniques you can use to become aware of your “re-actions” and then help you become responsible for your changing your thoughts, feelings and actions so that you can literally catapult yourself to a new level of awareness, happiness, and ultimately love of self and others.  Here’s an example of how negative victim or conflict thinking can manifest inside your head via the “word” of the inner critical voice I often refer to as the “dark side” voice:

Situation:  Your hear your boyfriend (date, friend, partner) talking to your best friend using communication that you feel isn’t effective.  You feel like it is having a negative effect on your friend.  You feel you must confront him about it, but are concerned how he will react to your comments.

Think about how you typically might respond to this scenario.  If you are intimidated or “walk on eggshells” when you have to confront your boyfriend, you might be afraid you aren’t communicating your thoughts appropriately.  Conversely, perhaps you confront your boyfriend using language that is perceived as being “bossy,” or “controlling.”  Either way, consider how you might BEST deliver the message.  Think about your body language, the tone of your voice, and other key characteristics that will impact how your message is received.

Remember, however, that you can manage your thoughts, feelings and actions and move past STUCK to create a win-win result that leaves you feeling empowered, happy, and satisfied.  Here are some possible options to avoid, followed by some suggestions for change.

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Hey Dignity Daters! I’m preparing for my workshop tomorrow night in Los Angeles in which I’m collaborating Dr. Theo Kousouli, a chiropractic healer. We are going to dig deep into one of the most frequently asked questions here at Dating With Dignity — a question which I have received a few times from clients the past few days. Here it is:

Q: I want to make changes in my life, but seem paralyzed by fear. I hear voices that say, “I’m not smart enough,” “It’s the best I can do,” or “It’s too hard and scary.” What do I do? Sometimes I feel hopeless?

A: It’s quite horrible when the feelings seem so big, scary and paralyzing. In fact, I remember times in my life where I simply buckled to my knees and heaved giant sobs. Other times, the tears wouldn’t come. Instead, I felt vast amounts of anger, powered by thoughts of revenge, rebellion or hatred. Ultimately, however, I tired of myself. My complaints, the whining, and the same feelings of dread and sadness became monotonous. What, I wondered, could I do that would enable me to really experience joy. Here’s the steps I took, which involved a process we will discuss tomorrow during the workshop at The Beverly Hills Country Club.

1. I learned how to shift my thinking from that of the “victim,” to a place in which I decided to take responsibility for my life. Instead, I became very intentional regarding the specific steps I could take to move into action. What step will you take today to move into action?

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It’s Monday dignity daters, and that means it’s time for the much loved Question and Answer blog. In response to the much anticipated ASK the Expert call this Thursday from 6:00-7:00 pm PST with America’s “What’s Next expert, Lisa Steadman, we have received many questions regarding image, first date tips, and suggested scripts to ensure you get the 2nd date.

To wet your appetite, take a look at these 10 tips designed to help you empower yourself to take control of dating in 2010. In preparation for designing your next date, set a specific intention before you meet someone new. Be proactive! Design your date by embracing your feminine power. Instead of reacting to your perceptions of what he might think or feel, ensure that you stay in the moment, bringing your authentic, soft and compassionate side to the table. Take your intention to the next level by incorporating these tips into the intention you set. The result? Increased confidence, self love, and dating success.

10. Don’t dress to promote your wing wang or your sexy thang! Your image shouts who you are, AND what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship, wear something that says you are classy AND sexy. Remember, the right guy who is also looking for the real deal wants a woman he can bring home to mom.

9. Don’t suggest where to go, what to do, or tell him exactly what you want to do on the date. Men need to be empowered to be men. Let him call the shots! Even of he asks, tell him to suprise you!

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I’m still in Maui, but have been spending each morning at the gym listening to inspirational audio lessons from teachers I respect.  Today I was reflecting on an email I received from a cousin in Colorado this week, who was moved by watching the “24 Hour Power Thought Challenge,” I posted on the site last Sunday.  She was moved not to change thoughts regarding someone in her immediate family or a friend, but regarding thoughts and feelings she was having towards me.  In truth, she was pissed, hurt and felt neglected. And guess what?  The reasons she cited for feeling hurt were rational, accurate and completely true.  I had neglected to call her when her mother was ill and then when she ultimately died in September I didn’t send a card.  I had been aware her family was going through this tragic loss from other family members, yet because she lives in another state, we don’t communicate regularly and I was in the midst of my  life, I completely ignored or put off the small voice in my head that occasionally reminded me to write or call her.

I made a mistake.

Ugh.  I’m supposed to be better than this.  How could I have done such a thoughtless thing?  And then I began to think further.  What other mistakes have I made this year?  And more importantly, how can I change these behaviors and begin to let those mistakes take me to a higher place of being in 2010?  In fact, I realize, these mistakes are opportunities to grow, become a better person.  I can become more compassionate.  Learn to stop ignoring the small voice.  I can change, shift, transform, and learn.

I have been keeping a journal while I’ve been here containing thoughts and ideas for 2010.  Things I want to do.  Places I want to go, and goals I would like to achieve.  And as a result, I have decided to become a better at communicating with family.  I am going to send more notes.  I am going to forgive myself for mistakes made, and put writing condolence and thank you notes higher on “my list” to do list.  I am going to send birthday greetings, and send more gifts.  I am going to practice what I teach — make my words and actions match.

What is on your list?  Take out a small notebook or journal this week and use it to play.  Become creative.  Imagine and dream.Use markers.  Type it.  Pull images from google.  Or simply put colors on the page. Express your self. How will you change this year?  Where will you grow?  These are not “resolutions,” per se.  Instead, they are ways in which your actions can better reflect your values in 2010.  They are actions you can begin to take which will help you become more fulfilled, happy, joyous and compassionate; Simple strategies to create the life you love.

Mine is a hero’s journey; I will not be a victim to mistakes, negative thinking or circumstance.  I will use these mistakes to take heroic leaps forward into my becoming.

Join me.  It will be a fantastic ride.

Aloha.

For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.

It was a very interesting tele-class last night in which  Chyrstal Bougon, Founder of Blissconnection.com, revealed practical tips and techniques to have better sex with your partner.  You can download the link now to listen to the class, but I want to write today to express this: While the places to touch, kiss and lick your partner are VERY important, one of the most important lessons we discussed on this call is the importance of communication.

To begin, “The Rule of 60—Days, That Is,” (One of the Dating With Dignity Foundation Principles which suggests that you wait at least 60 days until you have intercourse with someone whom you want to build a long-term relationship), requires that a couple discuss sex  as things naturally progress on the way to a possible exclusive relationship.  I received several questions from listeners with questions regarding this very topic; is it, in fact, ok to tell someone you want to wait to have sex?  Or, conversely, do you “play coy,” as one listener asked, hoping to put off a direct conversation in lieu of hoping for a quick get-away at the end of each date.

The answer is simple:  Communicate!  Ditch the “cool girl” mentality and state your values confidently.  Be self assured when telling your potential lover that you are not someone who has sex casually, and that when, and if, you do decide to have sex it will be when you feel the relationship meets your expectations.  Here’s a few important guidelines to ensure this conversation effectively communicates your position:

1.  Make sure you have  conversations regarding the decision to have sex vertical AND clothed. Many Dignity Daters have heard me tell the story of Aaron, who was asked by Lucia, a woman he had dated twice, if having sex with him meant he was now “her boyfriend.”  The icing on the cake?  Lucia asked Aaron this question while they were in bed, naked, his expression masked by ecstasy as he hovered just inches above her, moments before he was to “seal the deal.”  His response?  ”Of course,” Aaron whispered, consummating the relationship effortlessly.  Needless to say, Aaron never saw Lucia again.  While Lucia clearly picked an inopportune time to ask Aaron this question, what’s more important to note is that she did have an expectation associated with intercourse.  She didn’t communicate this expectation.  Ever.  Make sure  you discuss sex, your expectations, and your relationship goals.  And yes, make sure you are wearing clothes.

2.  Be direct. There is no time in a relationship to play games, withhold sex as an expression of your power, or manipulate your partner in regards to the decision.  Instead, communicate why it is important for you to wait.  In addition, be clear that while you do not want to have intercourse until you have a commitment (if this is your relationship goal), ensure your partner that you are open to exploring other possibilities for sexual gratification as the relationship progresses.  Making these choices is done together, further providing opportunities to communicate with one another.

3.  Find new ways to make him hot! As you “Data-Date” (collect new data about the person as you get to know them) create opportunities to have fun together.  Flirt.  Explore  ways to be sexy, sensual and passionate.  Kiss often!   Hold hands, exploring the small spaces between his  fingers, investigate the place where the base of her hair meets her neck.  Notice his eyes.  Relish the moments together, enjoying this process of slowly beginning to know someone in an intimate way.

Remember this — Live a life of purpose, passion and self awareness as you date with dignity.  Each moment describes who you are, and gives you the opportunity to decide if that’s who you want to be.

For some men and women, the concept of the “date” has become muddled somewhere between technology, best intentions and charm. What then, exactly, is a “date?”  In a recent radio interview I did (which will air in January) with Gloria McDonald, founder  of Perfect Partners, we discussed the fact that it is a mistake to identify the first meeting with someone whom you have met online as a “date.”  In fact, to reduce the risk of disappointment and minimize frustrations, it is better to describe these interactions as “meetings” because you are truly only meeting the prospect for the first time.  That said, then, are there other “meetups” that do not qualify as a date?  Let’s dive deeper:

1.  I’m free, wanna hang out? The man who suddenly finds himself available on Friday at 6pm, texts you to see if you are available, is not asking you out on a date!   While it’s true he might want your company, it’s also possible this is primarily because his friends have dates, are out of town, or have told him they prefer to watch the latest episode of Sports Center instead of heading out on the town. In sum, if a man asks you to “hang out,” it is not a date.  A date requires preparation, advanced planning and intention.

2.  Wanna meet up with my friends later? While to some advanced daters, this may seem absurd, please note that for many who date this meetup is deemed an acceptable version of the date.  In fact, some clients who do this have described themselves as “dating” someone even if they have never been on a 1-1 official date with the man in question.  The bottom line?  Ensure that the man or woman you are dating makes it a priority to spend time with you, not as an adjunct highlight to his night.

3.  I’ll call you when I’m done. There are many quality men, including Mr. Quality Casual, who could be guilty of making themselves  available after they have finished a prior engagement.  From conference calls to boxing classes to finishing up a basketball game they are watching with their friends, it is not a date when you are called upon as merely the after-thought activity.

In a recent Coaching Group I held last week, the eligible, attractive men who were participating described the behaviors they exhibit when they were truly “into” someone they were dating.  The romantic gestures, thoughts and feelings they shared with the group were astonishing, receiving “awwww,”  ”how sweet,” and “wow” from the women in attendance.  It becomes clear then, if someone whom you would like to get to know does not RETURN the feelings as manifested by their ACTIONS, then move on swiftly.  Don’t wonder.  Don’t ponder.  Just say no.  A date is “a date.”  Think Bogart and Bacall.  Sandy and Danny.  And Jack and Helen in “As Good as It Gets.”  These are dates.  And to those men who set the bar where it should be, my hats off to you.  Much thanks and appreciation.

Don’t forget —  Tonight at 5pm pacific time I will be interviewing one of my favorite sex experts, Chrystal Bougon from Blissconnection.com, on specific ways to add VOOM to your love life.  For those who know, I’m a fan of waiting 60 days until the Wing Wang and the Ding Dang meet.  Don’t worry though, Chrystal and I are going to reveal some HOT options to keep you going until you and your partner are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity.  Register here now!  Can’t make the call? Register now and you will receive a link to download and listen at your leisure!