Dating With Dignity

On this episode of Ignite Your Life LIVE, Carolin experiences the difficulties that occur when you breakup with someone you have kids with! She finds it challenging to compromise with Derek when their values are so different, and has to use ALL of her tools to make it the best experience possible. How does she do it? Watch today’s episode and find out!

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On this episode of Ignite Your Life LIVE! a glowing Carolin reports on her new life – post Derek. As she nears separation, she’s finally able to understand what it means to take the limits off her heart, and to truly redesign her life – in HER vision. How did she do it? Watch and find out!

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On this episode of Ignite Your Life LIVE Carolin discovers her work is going to be her saving grace through this breakup. Every time she starts to feel like she won’t be able to pay her bills as a single mom, she remembers to walk in faith and manifest abundance, and guess what? It’s working!! Her commission checks are through the roof! Watch today’s episode and see how she’s doing it!

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A big argument with Derek leaves Carolin searching for a graceful way to navigate this breakup. She knows it’s going to be difficult, but she’s at a point where she is able to see the light, and has the tools she needs to make it through this breakup with her dignity in tact. How will she do it? Watch and find out!

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I have LOVED the questions I am receiving as part of the FREE “Ignite Your Life” Sneak Preview teleclass tonight. A common thread I have observed is that so many of you deeply crave that partnership yet are darn right confused and frustrated because it has NOT happened. Some of you are so worried about “pushing him away,” others are damn mad that good men seem intimidated by strong women.

The truth is this: I coach men — lot’s of men. And despite the fact that you believe there are not any “quality” men online, the men in your city are all “hicks” or players, or that you have “done it befor and it didn’t work,” the mask you are unconsciously wearing to protect yourself might be hiding the REAL YOU. And guess what? It is the REAL YOU that the amazing guys would be attracted to.  The “masked” self could be what is preventing your dreams from coming true.

As a result, you may be putting out vibes unintentionally that are projecting a certain “type,” that is merely a reflection of the bad experiences you have had in that past. And, quite simply, that is what’s NOT working.

There are four “types” of women who roam the dating jungle, and conveniently they seem to be so darn archetypal that they in fact seem to be the main characteristic traits of four women American women have come to love – the women of TV’s famed series, “Sex and the City.” The problem is that in some ways, these types are all versions of chameleons. Chameleons who have adapted to their environment in order to survive. Be willing to cast aside your adaptability in 2011. Put the hurts and disappointments of the past behind you once and for all. Discover the REAL you, because what’s true is that each of you is unique, one-of-a-kind and AMAZING, and that is going to attract the man who will truly make your heart SING!

So then, what follows is a continuation of the brief overview we began of the Dating With Dignity Archetypal Women Who Roam the Dating Jungle. Who are you and how is this impacting your ability to MANifest the love you so deserve?

Samantha
AKA The Girl Who is the LIFE of the Party

To be honest, I used to have quite a bit of Samantha in me – especially post divorce! I had not dated since the age of 20, and getting “back out there” became reason to go a little nutz! I embraced my “cougar-ness,” developed a fondness for hip hop, and made loads of bad choices. Mostly I had regret. Yet, Samantha seemed to never have that regret. Or did she? Even when she broke up with Smith, claiming she loved herself “more,” I’m not convinced that in the end she just didn’t love herself enough to love someone else. In my practice I meet women who have been “The Life of the Party” and the scars are numerous. You may be a “Life of the Party Girl” if your thoughts and beliefs run like this:

“I’m just living in the moment, for the moment”
“I just keep getting humiliated by men and making bad choices”
“Why did I do that?”
“All guys are going to hurt me”
“No one really cares anyway”
“I’ve done a lot of bad things, made a lot of mistakes”
“I still feel like crying when I think about that…”
“I’m embarrassed of my past”

Life of the Party women ultimately believe, in their core, that men will only like or love them if they can “get” something from them. It can be anything from sex to financial support, but most important, the result of this lifestyle can result in feeling like you are living some sort of double – life. Pretending not to care, pretending things don’t hurt, yet filled with regret, tired of 2am texts and feeling unseen, worn out, and sad.

Carrie:
AKA The Scared Girl

Damn, I SOOO get Carrie! She had all these amazing guys who wanted to date her… but she kept being sucked back in by “Big” The men who adored her, treated her well and were kind just didn’t provide the conflict or require the ‘work” that “Big” provided. In this story, there is a fairytale ending (of sorts), yet for most Scared Girls, without an intervention of some kind, they end up scared, alone and filled with regret. You may be a “Scared Girl” if your thoughts and beliefs run like this:
• I have to protect myself.
• “I don’t think I can survive another break-up”
• “I’ll never let that happen again (hurt / pain / disappointment)”
• “Men can’t be trusted”  ”They all say that, don’t they?”
• “I’m too picky — I’m really picky”
• “I don’t want to appear too needy”
• “How could I have been so stupid / naive / gullible?”
• “I’m so loving, I have so much to give, I’m so vulnerable…but every time I just get hurt because of it”

Scared Girls ultimately believe, in their heart of hearts, that their painful relationship past will keep repeating itself and as a result become too terrified to let down their guard. They are continually attracted to men who are not available because it is safe, return to ex’es who should stay in the past, and when men who could be good matches come into their world they are not attracted to them, put up walls, or simply leave.

*** If you are interested in learning more about the FOUR dating archtypes and how to have a breakthrough to become HIS type, don’t miss the FREE “Ignite Your Life” Sneak Preview Teleclass TONIGHT, Sunday, January 16 at 6pm PST.

I love the interactivity of Facebook. Yesterday I received a great question via a comment I made regarding “dating with dignity.” The person replied to my comment, in frustration I can surmise, wondering why dating has to be so complicated. She wrote further, I don’t get it. “Dating to get Mr. Right,” “Dating Over 40.” Why can’t we just simply “date?”

I love this question, because it is true. Dating isn’t too complicated — especially if you show up without the junk from your past clouding who you are. It is only the thoughts, feelings, patterns, bad break-ups, anger and resentments, expectations, and the myths created by the plethora of romantic comedies you watch on the big screen that make dating complicated. That said, it is your responsibility to make sure that when dating seems complicated, that you take time to step back and look at why exactly this may be occurring:

1. Do you have a clear picture of your five relationship deal breakers — the things that you just can’t compromise on regarding his income, charm, looks or the fact that he is kinder than any other man you have dated? Once you are clear on these things, making dating choices becomes a kinder, gentler process.

2. Are you dragging the junk from your past into the present, impacting your future negatively? If you were “left,” “hurt,” (who wasn’t, right?) or want to communicate that you don’t “need a man” because of what happened before, (were you ever accused of being “needy?”) check it at the door. A man deserves that you just date HIM, not him plus the five other men whom you dated in yesteryear.

3. Are you comfortable setting boundaries, ensuring that men you date respect them, and don’t get “dragged under” by their charm, manipulation or sheer fear of not meeting someone else when you assert yourself and make sure your boundaries are kept? It is the fear that “this the best I can get,” that can make dating complicated.  When you are disconnected from honoring the still small voice inside, it makes dating complicated, steering you further away from the right road for you.

4.  Are the “Limiting Beliefs” you have regarding dating in check?  For example, do you think it is harder to date successfully in your town because of your age, baggage, wrinkles, size or history?  If so, then it is this very thought can make dating complicated.  These limiting beliefs can cause you to analyze, over-think, wonder what “he’s thinking,” and make excuses when, in fact, the truth is that when you are AUTHENTIC, compassionate, kind, clear and refrain from playing games you will attract the best match for you into your life like a MAGNET.  And when this happens, dating is rarely too complicated.

I am back at Dating With Dignity after a nearly four week hiatus traveling in Europe.  I was traveling with my three daughters ages, 14.5, 12, and 8, plus my partner of 18 months, The Brit.  We have all travelled together before, including three weeks in Hawaii, what seems like a zillion long weekends in Scottsdale, Arizona and Napa, California, as well as a two week trek through the Northwest and Canada last summer.

I had nothing but HUGE expectations for this trip, and never for a moment intended it would be anything less than perfect.  And that, my dear friends, was my BIGGEST mistake.

Perfect?  What the hell is perfect, anyway?

After all,  who is “perfect?”  What trip is ever  ”perfect?”  What accommodations are “perfect?”  What weather is “perfect?”  Nothing, I might have realized before leaving, would be perfect.

Yet, despite my advanced training and professional accolades, when the “shit hits the fan,” and I am under stress, I  consistently struggle with wanting to categorize everything into TWO categories — For example, a person is “In” or “Out.”  A situation is “Good or Bad.”  In fact, because of this tendency to think in terms of only “black” or “white,” and demanding nothing less than “perfect” I spent much time during my hiatus reminding myself to live, “in the question mark.”

What is the Question Mark?

I like to use imagery to help clients (and myself) understand what life is like when lived “in the question mark.”  Imagine then, if you will, the two extreme options.  For example, the man I am dating is “in”  – meaning he is “the one,” or he is “out,” meaning I must break up with him immediately.  If I choose to live in the “question mark,” however, I am standing smack dab in the middle of both these extreme options.

What, though, does it feel like to BE, to LIVE  life in the question mark?  Here’s how to experience those feelings so that you can begin to go there effortlessly when you feel yourself heading down the path of “either/or”  black and white thinking

1.  Think of  a situation or person you might typically categorize into either “bad” or “good.”

2.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself standing at a crossroads with two distinct road signs pointing in opposite directions.  One sign reads “in,” or whatever extremely positive category you choose, while the other sign reads “out,” or the opposite of the other sign.

3.  Walk towards the positive alternative — this is the road that will lead you to the “good” feelings, and then experience these positive feelings completely.  Feel into experiences, thoughts or actions that create these “good” feelings. Pause here for 30 seconds, feeling these positive feelings completely without judgement.

4.  Now, walk towards the negative alternative — the road that will lead you to the “bad” feelings.  Then, feel into the experiences, thoughts or actions that can create these “bad” feelings.  Again, pause for 30 seconds to feel into the feelings completely without judgement.

5.  Walk back to the crossroads.  How does it feel standing there, in neutral territory?  I know that for me when I stand in this place it can feel completely foreign.  I feel “out of control,” and often it’s because in the “question mark” I don’t know how I am “supposed” to feel.  It can be SO strange because in this place — in the question mark — there is no definitive answer.  It is purely the experience of simply BEING.

During my trip to Europe I put myself in the question mark often — especially when my kids were arguing or I was frustrated with The Brit.  Reflecting now, I can’t believe how often I found myself fantasizing the options or outcomes that were  the result of  choosing to see an experience as either black or white.  For example, I either want to marry The Brit tomorrow, or break up with him tonight.  I am NEVER taking my kids on a trip again, or I am planning next summer’s trip across American in an RV and hoping I can have them for 3 weeks instead of 2 1/2.  Ultimately, I was able to get to the question mark without much grief or frustration, and begin to simply experience EVERYTHING without judgement. What a joy it was to live in this beautiful yet slightly uncomfortable place!

Life in the question mark is neither black or white.  It is GREY.

Life in the question mark requires simply being. Life in the question mark means experiencing life without judgement.  Life in the question mark requires that I shift my focus from “the destination” to the journey itself.

And so it is the journey …the process… the learning…and being able to experience moments of sheer joy, frustration, or even anger… that becomes just as important as “the date,” you might go on next weekend, as seeing the Eiffel Tower, walking by the Thames, or viewing Michaelangelo’s  ”The David” in all it’s magnificence.

Let go of “perfect,” check out GREY today and see what life is like when it’s YOUR Fall color.  I can’t wait to hear how it goes…

P.S. If you have a tendency towards “black or white” thinking and are curious what other limiting thoughts, beliefs and actions might be stifling your love life, make sure to take the “D-Factor” Date-ability Assessment ASAP and work with me directly to create YOUR plan for change now!