Dating With Dignity

I’m sure Angelica, my Marketing Assistant, will be upset that I’m using her material for today’s blog, but she asked me a very important question this afternoon regarding her reaction to a Facebook Friend request from “The One” who was her Big Break Up. At first, she said, she was shocked. Then she recoiled, her hands started to shake, and quite frankly, didn’t know what to do.

“Is it weird that I had such a strong reaction to his email?” she asked earnestly. “I don’t have feelings for him, but it took me so long to move past that relationship, and hearing from him freaked me out.”

I told Angelica this: It’s typical, normal and appropriate to get that butterfly, anxious, weird feeling when you get a text from The One, the guy who you just finally stopped thinking about every day. Often, these men come back into our lives to check to make sure we really meant it when we said goodbye. When my relationship with “The One,” ended, I would receive texts from him even though months had gone by since we had broken up. I tried to be friends with him. Sometimes I could. Other times I knew that by the true definition of the word, we could never be friends. It has been six years since that Big Breakup, and be assured I don’t get “the shakes” when he texts these days. The point is this, for years I would get the “tinge,” when I saw his number on my phone. I thought about him on holidays, and sometimes even texted or left messages for old times sake.

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It’s Monday dignity daters, and that means it’s time for the much loved Question and Answer blog. In response to the much anticipated ASK the Expert call this Thursday from 6:00-7:00 pm PST with America’s “What’s Next expert, Lisa Steadman, we have received many questions regarding image, first date tips, and suggested scripts to ensure you get the 2nd date.

To wet your appetite, take a look at these 10 tips designed to help you empower yourself to take control of dating in 2010. In preparation for designing your next date, set a specific intention before you meet someone new. Be proactive! Design your date by embracing your feminine power. Instead of reacting to your perceptions of what he might think or feel, ensure that you stay in the moment, bringing your authentic, soft and compassionate side to the table. Take your intention to the next level by incorporating these tips into the intention you set. The result? Increased confidence, self love, and dating success.

10. Don’t dress to promote your wing wang or your sexy thang! Your image shouts who you are, AND what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long term relationship, wear something that says you are classy AND sexy. Remember, the right guy who is also looking for the real deal wants a woman he can bring home to mom.

9. Don’t suggest where to go, what to do, or tell him exactly what you want to do on the date. Men need to be empowered to be men. Let him call the shots! Even of he asks, tell him to suprise you!

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Aloha Dignity Daters!  I’m sitting on the Lanai this morning preparing to work with coaching clients and am confident today’s guest blog, written by nationally recognized dating expert, David Wygant, comes at the perfect time for some of you.  I love David’s no-nonsense approach, and in this blog David will help you see why it’s important to not only love yourself,  but forgive the little mistakes, and live from a place of abundance.  Enjoy…..

Dating is a process a lot of us really can live without.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that can drive you to drink four year-old bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade from the back of your refrigerator.  There are so many ups and downs in dating.

Here is a list of some of the most frustrating dating ups and downs, and how to feel better about them:

1)    We made out in the parking lot and they never called again. Making out is fun!  You needed it. They needed it.  Don’t beat yourself up that you did it, just realize you did it.  You needed some tonsil hockey and to cop a feel.  Be okay with it.  It was a great date.  You were in the moment, and you experienced something that you wanted to do.
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It’s Monday once again, and that means it’s Q and A Day!   This week’s question came from a dignity dater in Los Angeles who wanted to follow up on something she learned during the incredible tele-class we had last week regarding the art of conversation.  During this class Briddick Webb, from Attractology.com, and I discussed how to flirt using verbal and non-verbal techniques, how to be confident when you approach someone, and guidelines to make sure you are attracting members of the opposite sex with in a dignified manner.  The recap of that class will come in  tomorrow’s blog, but in the meantime,  there was one question we didn’t answer, so here we go…

What type of conversation topics are men inclined to engage in vs. women?

Typically, when men are with men, they will discuss what they are making, fixing or achieving.  Remember, while men are clearly no longer living in caves bringing back the kill, they are still stimulated by discussing topics related to competition, adventure, and achievement. As a result, men typically enjoy  discussing sports, video games, fast cars, and those things that have an element of danger.   It is in talking about these things that they  are able to raise levels of a chemical in their brain called dopamine.  When men experience appropriate dopamine levels they are fulfilled, have energy, and need to spend less time in the “man cave.”  In addition, men are  traditionally more focused on the bottom line, in that they want to know how to resolve a situation. As a result, they are less interested in the complexity of a situation, and only want to know the essential information.  Thus, men would most likely synthesize the incident, break it into small pieces, and then focus on a possible resolution.

Conversely, in a similar situation, a group of women might spend hours discussing the details and complexity of a scenario.  Women will breakdown how it happened,  crave elaborate details about who was involved and what each person was possibly thinking, and then begin to discuss a myriad of possible solutions, elaborating on the pros and cons of each possibility.  According to Georgetown University Professor of Linguistics, Deborah Tannen,  men and women’s differing approaches to conversation begin in childhood.  Tannen states that as children, girls on the playground will choose to sit in small groups and talk whereas boys choose to play in larger activity-based groups.  In addition, Tannen points out that men typically use conversation to show or maintain status.  Women, however, want to remain the same during conversation and use words such as “maybe we could,”  or “is there any way we could,” as to not appear to aggressive.

That said, how does this effect conversation on a date?  Here are a few guidelines:

1.  Engage men by asking them about things that get them excited.  Does he like motorcycles?  Drive one?  Hope to race one someday?  What cool adventures has he had?  Get him to tell you about the trip he took with his buddies to Pakistan.  Or  how he went fishing in the snake river.  Did he risk life and limb hiking in the Grand Canyon during an unexpected snowstorm. Watch as his eyes light up, recounting the details of his adventure.  What’s more, you get to see what things get him excited.  Don’t dive into the details though, pressing him for specifics.  Ask how it turned out, allowing him to get to the exciting finale without too much delay.

2. As a women, make an effort to bring your feminine energy to the date. Stay away from a typically male conversation style in which you appear to “one-up” your date.  He went to Pakistan?  Don’t then, tell the story of how you went to Morocco and suffered far more than he did, enduring sweltering heat and far more horrid conditions. Instead, tell the story,  focus on why it was memorable.  Let him know that you enjoy adventure.  Share details, but don’t linger too long.  Remember, men can get lost in detail.  Keep him interested.  Move to the resolution of the story efficiently.

3. Mix up the type of dates you plan. While sitting in a restaurant conversing is quite comfortable and best matches the conversational style of a woman, remember that men like activity.  Go bowling.  Take a hike.  Drive the bumper cars.  Provide opportunities for the man to engage in conversation while he is active.  It will raise his dopamine levels, thus keeping him interested  and focused on you.

4.  Ask questions. Women love to be with men who are interested in details, active listeners and don’t always try to “fix” a problem or situation she is describing.  Because men are solution-oriented, however, they often want to cut to the chase, provide the solution and be heroic (Heroics raise men’s dopamine levels, making them feel good, but it mostly just makes a woman feel like you want her to stop talking if she hasn’t asked you for your opinion yet.)  Part of listening is merely being a receptive container for the other person’s thoughts and feelings.  Believing that is your job to provide a  ”fix” can often a disservice to the person who is talking.  Just listen.  Be present and ask questions when appropriate.  Be compassionate and empathetic.  If she asks for advice, lend your opinion.  If she doesn’t ask, then ask her directly if she wants your take on the situation.  If not, be supportive.  Give a hug if appropriate, and let her know you care.

It is imperative to remember that men and women’s conversational styles are different.  Be confident, and most importantly,  don’t personalize each thing that your date says.  Instead, a date is the perfect opportunity to practice engaging in “curious conversation,” an interaction in which listening is often more important than talking.

Have more dating questions for next week?  Send them now to datingwithdignity@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out the Dating With Dignity events coming to Los Angeles next week.  If you want to increase your confidence, and  learn how to take control of your dating life to get the results YOU want in 2010, make sure you register now for the workshop November 17, “5 Tools to TOTALLY Transform Your Love Life in 2010.”    Event details and registration here:  http://datingwithdignity.com/events/

When it comes to finding love, there is no worse enemy then the romance movie, reality television, and the notion that Prince Charming exists. As little girls we are raised to believe in certain notions of romance, and thus spend the rest of our tweens, teens and adulthood trying to fit our experiences with men into the fantasy relationships on which we feed daily. Who amongst us hasn’t fantasized that maybe we WERE meant to fall in love with our best male friend? Who hasn’t hoped this time, in fact, we will turn out to be like “Gigi,” the character from, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” who discovers that even though she is exceptionally annoying AND inappropriate, the cute guy falls head over heels in love with her. Or, perhaps, maybe you’re just pissed your boyfriend didn’t run down the street in his boxers when you slammed the door, storming out of his apartment pissed as hell.

The Solution

Dating With Dignity is hosting a LIVE Ask the Expert event for men and women who are single or in relationship on Monday, October 12 from 7pm-9pm. Featuring Stanford University’s Manager of Relationship and Sexual Health Programs, Donnovan Somera Yisrael, M.A., this seminar will reveal key secrets you must know to effectively combat media and societal expectations to date successfully in the 21st century.

Somera Yisrael learned through his provocative work that men and women repeatedly engage in risky and counter-productive behaviors due to their unhealthy need to derive feelings of acceptance and love from others. He also discovered, in fact, that these feelings and the resultant behaviors are mostly influenced by the internalized messages people receive about what “rules and roles” they must follow to “catch” and “keep” someone with whom they want to pursue a relationship. From Shakespear to Britney Spears, media creates expectations that lead to frustration, disappointment and no-win situations for those who are trying to find long-term love.

You will also hear the Dating With Dignity point of view as I challenge Somera Yisrael regarding whether or not “game” playing is required to be a successful dater in the 21st century. Is it appropriate to strengthen your femininity to empower men? Should you lower your expectations if, in fact, there is no such thing as Prince Charming? Is it really inevitable to let the passion in your relationship wane?

In addition, this evening will enable you to enjoy company of like-minded singles interested in finding love, an open bar and light appetizers. To register for this incredible thought-provoking evening, go to the events page of this website.

We look forward to seeing you next Monday.

Today at 3pm PCT you have an incredible opportunity to find out if, in fact, there is such thing as a perfect match!

Isn’t every cell in your love-sick bod screaming to know if this is possible? Should you, in some cases, settle for not so perfect? Is chemistry the most important component in choosing a partner for long-term love? I will be doing my Oprah-style interview with Los Angeles’ most successful, hip and insightful matchmakers, Katie and May, who do the one-on-one matching at Catch Matchmaking. The questions we have received thus far are intriguing, and I am looking forward to help you best identify those characteristics that make a good match.

One thing is for certain, the dating process is a truly exciting adventure. While fraught with pebbles, twigs and often boulders, understanding and taking responsibility for walking a path that is most true to your heart will lead to the place you desire.

Go to askcatchmatchmaking.com now to type in your questions. Not available at 3pm today, no worries. A recording of the call will be made available to you soon.

Have a blessed day. See you at 3pm pst.

It has been rockin’ this week at Dating With Dignity! On Tuesday and Wednesday we launched the “8 Weeks to MANifesting Love” Program. The women in these two groups are open, brave, beautiful and FUN. I am blessed to be part of their journey towards finding love. There is much change in store; I will keep you updated here when there are important issues, breakthroughs or questions that come up in the groups.

This week we discussed how Limiting Beliefs, which are things that you accept about life, yourself, or the world, and how it drives what kind of men and women you meet. Here are some examples of common Limiting Beliefs: “Men over 40 only want to date younger women.” Or, “All men/women in LA are superficial.” Or, “If I get into a relationship I will have to lose my independence.” If you believe these thoughts to be true, it is most likely that this is what you will create in your life. But is this what you really want?

What are your Limiting Beliefs? Jot them down. Once you have the list, go through each one and ask yourself these questions:

1. How true is this belief, really?
2. Where did I get this idea from?
3. How has this belief affected me?
4. What action can I take to let go of this belief? How can I put this into action immediately?

I invite you to leave your list of Limiting Beliefs, and the strategies you use to let them go in the comments box at the end of this blog. Those readers who leave at least two Limiting Beliefs/Strategies will earn themselves a 30 minute complimentary telephone coaching session with me! I’m looking forward to your responses.

We also held the first in the series of ASK the Expert teleclasses today. Dating expert David Wygant shared some excellent tips with callers. Take a look at these juicy nuggets:

1. The best places to meet men and women include gourmet and organic food stores (a la Whole Food, Trader Joe’s) a bike path, hiking, and Starbucks. The worst places? you guessed it: Bars and clubs, especially during weekends. If you want to increase your chances of being approached, head out to a local restaurant or coffee shop by yourself. Bring a book, newspaper or your laptop. Don’t wear headphones though, having buds in your ears screams “don’t approach” to potential new friends.

2. If a man introduces sex into the conversation, asks for sexy pictures, or makes innuendos early in a phone call, instant message conversation, or date you can surmise he most likely isn’t looking for a relationship. David reminded callers to trust their intuition. If it feels odd, move on.

3. If you are not certain how a man feels about moving from casual to a relationship, you can be sure he isn’t interested in making a commitment. David repeated what I discussed in an earlier post: When a man is interested in you he will profess (e.g., tell the world you are “his” woman), protect (give you his jacket or walk you to your car) and provide (buy you dinner, fix your sink, or change your lightbulb).

4. Love yourself enough to let go of men who don’t meet your needs.

The next ASK teleclass is Thursday, September 24 with two Matchmaking experts at Catch Matchmaking! Registration information will be posted soon.

I’m off to Sacramento this weekend for continuing education via the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). Will share tomorrow. Until then, peace.

It’s Labor Day, a time to reflect on the concept of work. And while it’s true that nothing worth having comes without work, effort, blood, sweat and tears, this does not hold true when it comes to dating. In fact, when done with the right attitude, energy and approach dating can be fun.

“Hah,” you say, furrowing your brow as you remember your last Internet date with the guy who looked more like George Jetson rather than George Clooney. This search for love is not fun, you argue. It’s disappointing. Frustrating.

Here’s the Dating With Dignity news flash this Labor Day, 2009: Dating could, in fact, be fun. Let me suggest two strategies to test this week as you launch into Fall.

1. Like attracts like. In the dating world this translates into something simple; What you think is what you will create. Thus, if you think mostly of negative thoughts such as “dating is frustrating,” “I will be disappointed,” “Internet dates are irritating. “ “The men never look like their picture,” or “I’m never going to meet anyone.” “Dating is a waste of time,” then this is the result you will create. Become aware of your negative thoughts this week. Record them in a journal. Once you become aware of what you are creating, you can then you can begin to effect change in your life.

2. Begin Data Dating. One of the primary lessons clients learn in the Dating With Dignity program is to approach dating as a positive adventure. View dating as an exciting, fun process in which your objective is to not only to collect data about the men you date, but most importantly, have fun while you are doing it. Dating should NOT be work. If you find yourself agonizing with you’re your friends, wondering, questioning, and doubting yourself, then it’s time to date someone else. Need to break it off? Use my favorite words. Say, “Hey, I really enjoy spending time with you Brad, yet I know in my heart it’s just not a match.” Smile. Tell Brad to have a nice day. And then create space for someone pleasurable to come into your life! When you are dating effectively, you will have fun. Dates will include laughter, friendly banter, and you will feel good the next day. Collect data. Have fun. Write these words on a Post It note, put it on your computer, refrigerator, or near your phone. Make this your mantra.

Just four more days until Thursday, which is when I will have my interview with David Wygant. Wygant, an incredibly thought provoking dating expert, will take you inside the minds of men during this 60 minute interview. Don’t miss this! Go to askdavidwygant.com now to let me know your question for David. Don’t forget! Enjoy your labor day. And don’t work too hard!