Dating With Dignity

A night in the field with clients is one of the best ways to really assess how her energy is being broadcast.  Often, in her conscious she believes she is doing “everything” she can to meet Mr. Right.  For example, she “puts herself out there,”  is an active internet dater perhaps, or considers herself open minded and non judgemental.

In using the D-Factor, Date-Ability Assessment, I am able to discover that this conscious self-perception often does not match the true beliefs that  lie in her subconscious.  This knowledge, coupled with watching someone in action, can be an amazing way to help someone tweak and polish their vibe so that they can begin to attract not who they GET, but the men they WANT.

As Julie’s coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

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I am so excited to launch into answering questions we have been receiving via email and Facebook so that you can understand how to Break Free from your Romantic Rut and find partnership, love of self and a partner, as well as peace and confidence!

For those of you who are new to Dating With Dignity, let me give you a brief orientation on our philosophy regarding how to be in a successful relationship.

One of the first steps I believe you must take to being truly “ready” to be in a healthy, interdependent relationship (I’m talking about emotionally ready, not just ready in your intellect,  because your biological clock is ticking, your parents are “worried” about you, or your kids are finally more independent) is to take a deep look at what your typical dating and relationship patterns may be. It’s not that we want to dig into the past, therapy style, but more importantly for this work, simply be brave enough to recognize the following:

1.  What are my typical dating patterns (who do I usually attract, how do I “feel” in relationship, how do my relationships end?)

2.  What are the beliefs I have about relationship, my self, love, commitment, and men.  Do these beliefs limit me?  Do I have assumptions that those things that have happened in my past (e.g., I was left, cheated on, hurt, burned, objectified etc) will happen in the future?

3. Am I willing to look at how these beliefs have held me hostage, and am I ready to do the work necessary to move through them so that I can ultimately attract a partner who loves me not only in word, but via his actions OVER TIME?

Let’s use one of the brave questions I received recently as an example:

“I’m 59 and have been dating a guy for 18 months.  He has been married three times and he’s scared to death.  It’s like we were made for each other. H e does exhibit signs of what I know is true…that he is the child of an alcoholic parent…so he enjoys his alone time.  (I  mean he goes into a cave like setting when he needs to be alone.)  What can I do to help him?  Should I join Alanon just to learn?  We’re in love and we have no doubts about that, but when he does this I FEEL all alone.”  – C

Here we go…

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Earlier this week we discussed the challenges involved in setting boundaries.  The good news is that the clients I have been working the past few days are becoming “Boundary-Setting Rock Stars!”  From not accepting inappropriate behavior and the resultant “we’re not a match chat,” to a parent lovingly telling her teenage son she loves him, but will no longer allow him to speak to her using certain words, these women are taking steps towards creating self love that is boosting their confidence, making them happy, and feeling empowered.

While all this is fabulous, the hours and days after setting the boundary can often be a grueling test of our commitment to self-care and maintaing our dignity.  Here are a few tips and scripts to ensure that when you set a boundary, you are able to enforce it with love, compassion and fierce commitment to YOU:

1.  An effective boundary is one in which YOU are in control of you, and not based on the other person changing his/her behavior. Quite simply, it is not a boundary if you can not enforce it.  For example, if you no longer want to receive text messages or phone calls after ten pm, you would simply ask the man who is calling after 10 to not call you after this time, and then gently let him know you will no longer accept his calls.  Then, of course, you must follow through on your commitment.  Often, when someone is on the receiving end of a boundary they will test you to see if you are sincere. (See number 3 below.)

2.  Be clear. When setting a boundary, make sure you are SPECIFIC and clear when articulating it to the receiver.  Often, if there is room for interpretation, the receiver will take this space and create his or her own version of the boundary, using his/her interpretation as an excuse to wiggle and manipulate.  If the boundary involves someone doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing, and communicate it in a loving and compassion tone.  Setting a boundary does not require “conflict-energy.”  In fact, to be an effective boundary setter, practice using the Dating With Dignity “Combat-Free Communication System” in which you:

• acknowledge the other person’s feelings and state your understanding of his or her position,
• state your needs clearly,
• and, create an opportunity to collaborate with him or her to come to resolve the challenge.

In order to set a firm boundary and articulate it with clarity, you first must be clear on the boundary yourself.  This is a great opportunity to get help from your coach or a supportive friend, to ensure that all the “holes” are filled, and that there is no wiggle room for the receiver.  If you are a person whose “default tendency” when you feel under the gun plummets towards uncertainty and  self-doubt, take time before the conversation to anchor yourself to your values, rights, and long-term goals.

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