Dating With Dignity

I’ve got a great date story to share from a while ago that is pertinent to many of the topics that come up today. So, I met this great gal on a project I was working on. There wasn’t enough time to get her number so we connected over Facebook. We tossed several FB messages back and forth and then there was an exchange of numbers. Later that week she dropped me a text that said, “Want to grab a drink tonight?” I was free, texted “Sure!” and that date was set. I was near her neck of the woods and admitted that I was a bit out of my element. Luckily she said she knew a groovy place for us to meet.

I get there a little early, grab a cocktail and within minutes she is joining me at the bar. The conversation is exciting and she is hitting upon some invigorating topics. She lights up the room as she shares her take on all things vocational, spiritual and political. She is pretty darn smart, well grounded and opinionated. I found myself sitting back and watching her show most of the night, but it was an exciting show, and it’s always fun to see someone getting carried away in passion and spark. As the conversation goes deeper, so do the drinks, and before I know it she is ordering the 4th round. Then she suggests we do a shot on the next one! At first I was a bit surprised, but then I found it sexy. This gal is asking me to man up and keep up with her, so my male machismo kicks in and I throw back a double of Jameson.

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There is nothing more frustrating to the single woman than the moment she suspects the man she has tagged as “Mr. Possible Long-term Relationship,” begins to show signs of pulling away. Before we launch into signs he actually is “pulling away,” (there are signs you want to recognize) it’s critical to understand that, in truth, women may often only imagine the vanishing act is about to ensue when, in fact, it’s merely fear from past relationships that ended abruptly sparking your vivid imagination.

That said then, if the man you are dating has been consistently, over a four – eight week period for example, behaving as if he is interested in getting to know you better and the relationship is progressing, it could be a sign that it is YOU who is interpreting a variety of harmless behaviors as signs he is ready to bolt.

Why does this happen?

Often, the woman who says she is “ready to be in a relationship,” begins to imagine “pull away” syndrome (PAS) simply because she is truly terrified to begin to trust, become intimate (emotional as well as physically intimate) and may sabotage the process by leaking her fears. Here are two excellent examples of how this fear may surface:

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“Why am I still single?”

This question plagues just about every woman who comes to Dating With Dignity for coaching. Invariably, before coming to me for help, she has asked this same question of her girlfriends, her mother, her best male friend, and even her therapist. More often than not, when a woman comes to me for coaching, she has enjoyed success in so many other areas of her life, but has been unsuccessful at finding and/or keeping a loving relationship; and she is, to put it simply, mystified.

“It doesn’t make sense,” she declares. “Why?” she asks again. “Why am I STILL single?”

If you are asking yourself—and your friends, family, and mental health professionals—this question, I can help. The first step is examining the often contradictory and self-defeating beliefs that lie deep in your heart—beliefs you may not have admitted to yourself, let alone anyone else. These beliefs are likely the biggest obstacles standing between you and the relationship you desire. Once you’ve uncovered these beliefs, you’ll be ready to shed the “It doesn’t make sense” mantra and get on with making the changes necessary to find
the relationship of your dreams.

So, Why Are You Still Single?

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If you’re going to be in the L.A. area on Monday, September 12 at 7pm, click here to register for our live event: How to Master Feminine Communication and Get What You Need Without Being a Bitch, Shedding a Tear, or Slamming the Door!