Podcast: Dating Den Episode 89 — With Shola Kaye: Quick Conversations to Help You Get What You Want From Quality Men
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Have you ever ‘faked it’ with a man?
I’m not talking about in bed.
I mean online, on actual dates, when you meet one out and about…
Do you play be some imaginary set of rules, like ‘never text back right away’ or ‘always do what he wants to do.’
Do you dumb yourself down to make the guy feel smarter?
That’s what I mean by ‘faking it.’
Instead of being authentically feminine in your own way.
It’s more common than would think for smart, accomplished women.
Wouldn’t’ it be nice if you could go out on a date or a new relationship and just be yourself?
Wouldn’t it be great if you didn’t have to overthink dating and what you say to men?
If you could be the woman that knows how to get what you want from quality men…
Marni welcomes Communications Expert Shola Kaye into the den to share her personal experience of overcoming fear and quietness to become a communications coach, public speaker, and professional singer.
Shola’s work has been featured in Harper’s Bazaar, Marie Claire, Forbes, and on the BBC. Her mission is to help women become powerful communicators, build businesses, careers, and relationships using speaking as a tool.
Shola’s Personal Development Journey [3:01]
Shola had always viewed herself as an introvert. Originally from the UK, she found herself working as an Account Manager in the US. She knew she was quieter and always felt tongue-tied as compared to her US colleagues. She didn’t have the confidence to share her ideas. And, in our show and tell society people who don’t speak up can get lost, or hide. When she was let go from a temporary contract job because of her communication skills, she knew it was time to go on a personal development journey.
Shola’s quiet demeanor even impacted her dating. Guys just assumed that because she was quiet she didn’t have an opinion. Her relationships would normally end with her blowing up because she was offended by something a guy did when she had never told him it bothered her.
If Shola’s story resonates with you, know that you can be empowered to become an effective communicator.
The D.I.V.A. Framework [8:30]
In her book, How to Be a D.I.V.A. of Public Speaking, Shola created a framework to help women know when they may be over or under sharing.
Shola says some people have difficulty being dynamic in their communications because they fear of being judged or they fear not getting the response they intended to get.
To be more engaging and dynamic practice interacting with people more. If it’s a presentation at work, ask questions from the group. If you are on a date, be playful and ask light-hearted questions. In both cases, a little bit of humor can go a long way.
Flex your communication muscle by doing one thing every day to get you out of your comfort zone.
How to Overcome Fear & Be Your Authentic Self [18:36]
Shola works with clients to understand fully who they are, what they can be, and how they can be ‘that’ in any situation. She says it’s important to be proactive about who you can be.
She created the 10-10-10 exercise to help get women out of their negative self talk. Do this when you start falling into negative thinking:
Write down a negative statement about what could happen in a given situation.
Write down a neutral statement about what could happen in the same situation.
Write a positive statement about what could happen in that situation.
Now focus on the positive statement and release those negative thoughts!
Tip: Stuck in your head? Squeeze your butt cheeks together to bring you back to the present and slow your thoughts down!
How to Be a Good Communicator & Stay in Your Feminine [22:34]
In the workplace, many women believe that in order to compete they need to stay in their masculine but in dating this can lead to disaster. Men are with women for the softness. If we are tough all the time it makes it difficult for a man to take the masculine role and really care for us.
To exhibit your softer side, two good habits are:
Let other people speak first and really listen and acknowledge them before sharing your perspective.
When asking someone for something you want be sure not to assign blame and don’t create drama when you react to something.