Podcast: Dating Den Episode 88 — With Nicole: Why Being Smart is Never Enough to Help You Stop Dating the ‘Bad for You’ Guy
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Do the guys that pursue you not interest you that much…
And you tend to like guys that are just ‘out of your league’?
You know, the ones that don’t really seem that into you but…
give you just enough attention to keep you coming back for more?
And you always feel like you want them more than they want you?
Nicole visits the Dating Den today to ask Marni for guidance on how she can move past her current crush. For over a year she has wanted more yet he refuses to give any more than necessary to keep her around. She wants to find a guy she can have a fulfilling relationship with and who fits into her vision of the future.
The Backstory [2:16]
Nicole met Adam at the gym. He was often busy or had an excuse for why he couldn’t go out with her so she got the hint early on that he wasn’t interested. But, when she started dating someone else he called her and started paying more attention to her. Then again after three weeks of him canceling dates, the relationship fizzled. They continue to have sex and stay over at each other’s houses but he shows up when he wants or when he needs something, not when she needs something.
It bothers her when she asks him to do something and he puts her off.
Why Nicole Sets Herself Up to Be Rejected [7:39]
She was hopeful, but also a little scared about asking Adam on a day trip. She wanted to share some special time with him but she knew he would probably say he was busy. She mentally prepared herself to be disappointed because he often lets her down.
Marni discovers that there is a pattern in Nicole’s life of asking for things and then being disappointed. When she was younger, she would ask her mom for things but would often get disappointed. She believed it wasn’t fair so she continued to ask until she got her way. She internalized the experience as rejection, yet she persisted.
The role we take on in our early family life often bleeds into our adult life. Nicole is still trying to get her mom to say yes and to love her. She is staying in a space that is comfortable and familiar to her. Her younger brain is in control and she is addicted to rejection. This makes Adam her perfect dysfunctional partner. He leaves a trail of emotional crumbs and she feels connected with him when she picks them up. He gives her an opportunity to be of service.
Have you tried something over and over even though you know it doesn’t work? It may be because you don’t know any other way to address the situation.
How Nicole Can Get Real Connection[26:29]
In order for Nicole to achieve feelings of validation and connection instead of rejection and disappointment, she needs to recognize her patterns and ask herself high-quality questions when she feels like contacting Adam. She should make sure her actions allow her to stay committed to her visions of being in a healthy relationship within the next year.
When she shifts her beliefs and actions she will attract men that are connected to her values. Beginning a good relationship shouldn’t be hard.
Remember ladies, date with dignity!