Hey Dignity Dater,
In my last email, I shared an excerpt from an essay I wrote about one of the mistakes I repeatedly made in my life.
It was about feeling flawed and believing that if I were “good enough,” a quality man would not only desire me but want to commit to me for life. In fact, I believed that men wanted to sleep with me and date me (at least for a while), but nobody really WANTED to marry me.
It’s a surprisingly common mistake for smart women (like us).
My personal wake-up call was dramatic.
When I was finally ready to change, despite how much work it was going to take, the Universe sent the proverbial “helping hand.”
It came in the form of the ex-wife of my then-boyfriend, of all places.
This was the man I’d spent two years chasing: the same man who I just found out had cheated on me (Duh. He cheated on her with me.) and who had managed to make me feel WORSE about myself than my ex-husband.
She told me that she finally had found a system: a proven process for change. She recommended I do the same.
My response was instant. “Are you kidding me???” I asked. “This kind of thing is EXPENSIVE. I don’t have thousands of dollars to invest… especially on this. I have three kids and a mortgage.”
She responded calmly, quietly.
“All I know is that you’re worth much more than what you’re currently experiencing. We all are. All I would say is… be open to the possibility.”
Those words – “Be open to the possibility” – were the catalyst that changed my life.
As I sit here today in an amazing restaurant in Manhattan’s uber-chic Meatpacking District writing this to you, the cool breeze blowing, I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I have a handsome husband (Hugh Grant type with good looks and the matching accent!) who adores me, even when he sees me in my (many) dark moments.
I have three incredible daughters who are emotionally intelligent and are dating young men whom they ADORE—meaning I didn’t pass on a legacy of “broken-ness” and bad choices.
I get to travel all over the world changing the lives of others through my work and as a philanthropist. And the source of my happiness and light comes from deep within me, and from the Universe, which I see as my ultimate resource.
What’s most interesting is that even when I managed to “fix” my picker and started dating better men, I was so entrenched in my post-divorce masculine energy that I plateaued dating men I refer to as “Quality Casual.”
These men were great on paper, but they weren’t looking for a long-term partnership. So, it didn’t require me to be emotionally available.
I was an emotionally unavailable woman dating emotionally unavailable men. (Ya feel me?)
Yet, because my “dance card was full,” I kept cycling through these men, conveniently finding fault with all of them.
That is, until one day a guy named Doug called me out on it—on Facebook Messenger of all places!
His words exactly:
“You are one of the most – no wait, THE most – emotionally unavailable woman I have ever met. “
I had no idea. I thought he really liked me. And because I was somewhat lackluster in my affection and attention toward him, he didn’t notice (or mind).
What’s worse is that I was really working on myself. I had experienced major breakthroughs at that point.
I was no longer accepting crap from men who were “bad for me.” I loved my life. I felt like I was being open and vulnerable.
Who knew? Certainly not me.
What I didn’t realize was I had been on cruise-control in my dating life.
Which leads us to the Barrier #2 to Love:
Fear of giving up your independence.
Yep, as much as I wanted a man, I was TERRIFIED that if I really let a man into my life, I would lose my independence. Lose my confident joie de vivre that had taken me so long to get.
I didn’t want to give up the feeling of finally being in control with men, like being able to take off to New York at a moment’s notice when my kids were with their dad or the unlimited possibilities in finding an even “better” guy than the last.
I felt like the “Bachelorette,” getting to go on amazing adventure dates all around the globe. Eating cereal for dinner. Late night yoga. Deep conversations with my kids. Never having to share the remote or go to Uncle Leonard’s niece’s Bat Mitzvah in Detroit. (Nothing against Detroit. )
I secretly liked being single, yet I CRAVED a relationship.
My barrier was SO big, and yet I had no idea how to resolve it.
Which leads me to Step #2:
I was desperately afraid to receive.
Receive help. Receive love. Receive, period. Why?
At the heart of it was this this though: If I allowed myself to receive, then I would be weak. I would get used to it. What if I turned back into the big pile of co-dependent sh#*t I’d finally left behind? It took so much FREAKIN’ work.
I didn’t see what could be worth risking my freedom, confidence, and independence. I believed that if I needed a man in any way, it would be “bad” for me.
Girlfriend, my barriers to love were huge.
Listen, if you’re not one of the women we accept into our Find Love Now program, or you and I haven’t worked together through the Find Love Now Formula, you need to understand the depth of these barriers and their impact on your love life.
It’s time to dig deep. Are you somehow, some way afraid of losing your independence?
Does it scare YOU to be vulnerable? What are you afraid of losing if you get truly intimate with a man? (And I’m not talking about sex here; that can be the easy part.) I’m talking deep down.
Are you willing to risk your emotional safety for what you want to have?
In the next email, I’m going to share what happened after “Mr. Quality Casual” called me out.
And we’ll dive into the #3 Barrier to Love: The fear of being left. (I’m talking old school abandonment issues here, ladies).
You don’t want to miss my next email!