So, summer is nearly over.
As I begin to wonder where the heck it went, and contemplate the upcoming fall season and ending of yet another year (oye vey… already my middle daughter’s last year of high school), it feels like a case of early-onset year end reminiscing and reflecting.
Recently, we sent surveys to discover what keeps you up at night when it comes to dating and love…
Where you are struggling …
We had close to 1,000 women complete the survey. THANK YOU!!
The responses were amazingly clear and so helpful to see where you are on your journey to find love.
So, I thought it fitting to share some deeper pieces of my personal journey –
Bits and pieces of writing I did from 2005 – 2010 – that I have never shared before to help you address — and then SHIFT each of the big concerns identified in the survey.
Over the next few days I will be breaking down the mistakes I made. And the milestones and mindsets that result in getting a quality man to court and pursue you. So you can become a confident, vibrant women who effortlessly attracts the man she WANTS, and ultimately find someone amazing with whom you can share your life.
Here’s the thing, I’m still in absolute awe that my reality exceeds the dreams I used to have when I was unhappily married, single and dating.
But it wasn’t always that way….
Let’s start back in 1987. I was 21 years old.
It was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.
This is an excerpt from an something I wrote in 2009…
“We went to Iowa to visit my parents for Thanksgiving and to set a wedding date. Bob’s lack of enthusiasm should have made it clear (to me) that he was being steamrolled into the marriage. This was not run-of-the-mill indifference to wedding details; this was sheer apathy. Disinterest. Avoidance.”
While the marriage was clearly doomed before it even began, I consistently hid those feelings of fear deep below the surface. I felt that in that moment, there was something I could do…or be…or say…that would get him to want to marry me. To really love me. As if it were my inherent flaws – my wrong-ness – that were at the root of the problem.
Have you ever felt like if you could just do… or be…or say… or even look a certain way then someone would finally love you the way you want. Adore you. Cherish you?
Barrier to Love #1:
I am somehow flawed and un-loveable. There is something in me that makes me unworthy of true love with a man who is the “real deal.”
For many of us, these deep, dark feelings are often too much to bear, so we justify. Rationalize. Numb out. Shut down. Give up. Blame online dating. Or men in general.
What’s more, because we are so smart, we become excellent at making it look like we are trying (really hard).
It’s too much to face that we have put our self worth and happiness in the hands of another person.
To feel that powerless and out of control is simply devastating to a smart, ambitious, good person like me.
But the truth is — it doesn’t have to be this way.
Yesterday I received two incredible pieces of news; one came in the form of an adorable photo of my client Katherine and her new boyfriend on their recent trip to Cabo San Lucas.
Then, just an hour later, a post in our Find Love Now Inner Circle Facebook group, appeared from Chris: “It happened! I just wanted to share that I am officially in a fantastic exclusive relationship. I did Find Love Now and can say that it will happen for you… just keep doing the work and don’t settle for anything less than spectacular!”
This happens A LOT in my world. And, the reason why I get emotional EVERY time I see something like this is, I know exactly how shitty it is when you are on the dark side of hopelessness.
So how do you go from the woman who forces someone to be with her because she fears being alone more than being mistreated? A woman who feels worthless…too much…too small?
To become the “it girl,” the woman who is in a happy (and in a passionate, messy, real, raw and intimate) relationship?
In order to get a man of quality – a man who is smart – passionate – who has integrity and loyalty – a man who is devoted to you….
You have to realize that the one common denominator in all your relationships and dating experiences is YOU. (Even when you haven’t been in a relationship or dated for years.) Even if you are good at getting the first date and have no problem meeting men, if you are still single sister, it’s still about you.
Instead of lamenting how broken or messed up you are. Or believing that you are un-loveable, you realize that you are 100 percent responsible (and VERY capable) of changing how you feel about yourself.
You can put on your big girl panties, just like you do in every other area of your life, and get yourself on a mission to stop buying into the “I am flawed” excuse and start on a path to rediscovering (or finding for the first time) the part of you that is AMAZING.
She is in there. She’s just afraid to come out.
For me, this awareness came in the midst of being a psycho ex girlfriend (yes, once again trying to convince someone to love and CHOOSE me).
It was almost 3:00 pm and instead of focusing on the task at hand – pick up my daughters at school – I was texting and driving, (this was back in the day of the flip phone, so I’ll let you imagine what that looked like).
I was simultaneously texting two of my friends, hoping that one of them could grab my kids from school so that I could do a “drive by seduction.”
My mission was to get my ex boyfriend, who had just dumped me for the Jeopardy Girl, (think Vanna White but possibly smarter) to sleep with me which would prove (to me, only) that I was, in fact love-able and desirable.
Writing this now I can’t believe the ludicrousness of this thinking. It truly was a mission impossible.
The good news is that I am inherently a bad multi-tasker.
In the midst of juggling my phone, navigating LA traffic, and ‘futurizing’ about my upcoming sexual smack down, I narrowly escaped the screeching wheels of an oncoming car as I barreled through a very yellow traffic light. The HONK of the car’s horn was, God’s big wake up call.
Finally, he had stopped whispering.
I pulled over, scared out of my mind. Images of crushed steel and ambulance sirens ran in the background, the foreground a piercing montage of my three daughters. Their innocent faces. The futures they would have I might never see.
That was it.
If I did not do something different, now, not only would I be single, unhappy, and ashamed for the rest of my life, (if I lived long enough), but I would teach my children that love was impossible. My daughters might never love themselves. They would never be able to see what it looks like for a woman to be in a healthy, functional relationship. To me, that was the true tragedy.
And thus, my children became my why. I had to make a change, and if doing it for myself wasn’t enough, then I would do it for my daughters.
I knew I could not do it alone. Trying, reading, taking a class or workshop here and there had not worked. Even therapy, while immensely helpful had not managed to solve my ‘love problem.” And, I knew that in order to REALLY change, it was going to require that I embark on a journey. It would require a mentor. Ongoing support. Accountability. Tools. A system. And a brand new way of thinking.
What happened next, and what does this mean for YOU?
The very next day I told someone I trust very much that I needed help. Serious help. And within 24 hours, God showed up again in the form of help. However, the help didn’t quite come in the form I had imagined.
In fact, it was something completely unexpected. And very inconvenient.
In my next email I promise I will tell you the rest of the story, but for now, consider this email your written WAKE UP call. I can’t honk the horn or get in your face, but I can tell you, sister, that something HAS to change.
And the one thing you can change is you.
It’s time to stop telling yourself the lie that if you could just find that one place where you can go to meet the “good guys,” or write that one magical sentence in your online profile that your love problem would be solved.
And if you are like me, deep in your heart, you are ready to stop the rationalizing, justifying, coping and blaming. You are sick and tired of being sick and tired of being single.
So, that’s where we are for today. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
As a former nursery school teacher, I will leave you with a story….
An old Cherokee was teaching his grandson about life.
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you — and inside every other person, too.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win.
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Which wolf will you feed?
In the next few days we will dive deeply into the FOUR biggest mistakes you are making that are both consciously and unconsciously keeping you from attracting the man who will court and pursue you. A man who will adore you and commit to you for life.
If you can relate to any of this, then please open your heart (and email) over the next few days so that I can teach you what I did, and what you must do, to go from feeling hopeless and very much alone, to a life that exceeds your dreams.
To the greatest love of your life.
It’s time to feed the good wolf.
Let me help you.
I’m excited for you and for what we can create in your life together!