In my work with male clients, it still surprises me when I hear the array of horrific “dating don’ts” that are innocently committed by the most beautiful, educated, and seemingly “perfect” women. The results are tragic, and I feel quite confident that most of these women have no idea why they’re not being asked on Date Number 2, or they’re ultimately not pursued after the red flags are hoisted, flown and dominating the country of potential relationship. What’s most important for you to know is that while you may say you would “never” do these things, there are a host of small, minute “errors” that send men running for the hills in their Nikes. What follows is my Top 3 Unconscious Dating Mistakes made by some of the most beautiful, smart, and “together” women who walk unwittingly through the dating jungle.
1. The Medical “Overshare” It may seem so innocent to share your medical history on a date, especially when the conversation merely started over your choice to say “no” to the gourmet macaroni and cheese your date offers you over the dinner table. However, it’s not in your best interest to share your genetic disposition to high cholesterol, pull out the herbal tea you’re drinking to cope with menstrual cramps, or even mention your brief experimentation with anti-anxiety medication to get through the recent death of the grandmother who practically raised you that is the reason you keep yawning over dessert. While these facts don’t indicate whether or not your values may match the man with whom you’re having these conversations, the truth is that because he asked you out and chose to spend time with you, he may hear these conversational tidbits and fleetingly wonder if your children would have high cholesterol or be prone to anxiety. Although I urge both men and women to simply enjoy a date without the pressure of “is this the one” mentality and have a “human experience,” it’s natural and normal for a man (or woman) to raise an ear to a piece of information that could be a potential red flag. Quite simply, don’t share any medical information on a first date. Save this information for later, when he’s beginning to dig you, starts to miss you between dates, and thinks you’re positively adorable. Then, when the “ugly warts” start to slowly be revealed, he’ll be able to put it in context of who you TRULY are.
2. The “Get Home Safe” Text The bottom line is this: It’s not your responsibility to make sure your date gets home safely. Once you’ve expressed your gratitude for the date and lauded him with praise regarding the perfect setting and delicious desserts, it’s your job to simply end the date with an encouraging smile (If, in fact, you want to have a second or even third date.). Do not text him 30 minutes later to tell him his “smile is awesome” or “I haven’t enjoyed a date like this in a very long time.” The response most men will have to this type of communication (whether conscious or unconscious) is “YIKES.” Men need to have room to pursue you. Give him space. Give him time. And be patient. Not only does this approach emit feminine energy, but it enables you to experience the joy of being pursued.
3. “Come On In!” If a gentleman is taking you out on Friday night and drives to your residence to pick you up for the date, don’t take control of the evening and invite him in for appetizers, a glass of wine, or simply to “hang” while you finish getting ready. The truth is that a true gentleman doesn’t want to be taken off course. When you invite him in, he gets slightly confused — perhaps even agitated — as the man who is truly looking for a quality long-term relationship wants to take you on the date HE planned. He wants you to be on time and doesn’t want to have to get into battling with himself over what this “detour” could possibly mean. Do you want to skip dinner to get frisky? Will this mean you’re late for your reservations? Keep it simple, let him be in control, and avoid putting yourself into the dangerous territory of sending a possibly mixed message.
Ultimately, it’s imperative that you begin to take responsibility for your thoughts and behaviors because the goal of the first date is to get a second date. Even if you’re making the “small” mistakes, the results to your dating success could be big.