Comfort is single woman kryptonite; so when we find ourselves vulnerable in the dating wilderness, men from our past can conveniently start to seem more appealing. While you’ll hear the occasional success story that resulted from old flames re-igniting, these instances are rare and often hurt us rather than help.
To ensure you’re not focusing your energy on a past love that should be applied to someone new, here are three questions to ask yourself to determine whether your sojourn down memory lane is worth the trip.
How much of your lasting connection is in your head?
When you begin to dedicate much of your thoughts to a past relationship, the lines between reality and fantasy become blurred. Putting your ex on a pedestal, particularly when you aren’t still in regular contact with him, causes even his most unsavory qualities to fall by the wayside.
Make a conscious effort to recall his characteristics that created serious problems in your relationship and honestly ask yourself if those still exist. If you’re not sure, it’s time to begin collecting data to discover who he is now. Whether it’s face to face, via email or FB inbox messages back and forth, focus on what’s in the present not versus what you used to have together. Times change and so do people.
Is he making an effort?
If a connection with your ex is truly meant to be, he’ll likely be feeling the same way about you. This, of course, depends on the circumstances of your break up. But my general rule of thumb is that if a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen. If your ex hasn’t initiated contact since the break up or its aftermath, think carefully about whether or not the risk of rejection is worth the reward of reconciliation.
Does the connection have long-term sustainability?
If you have been in frequent contact with your ex as of late, keep in mind that when commitment is removed from the equation, both of you will be seeing the relationship through rose-colored lenses. The fact that you’ve found yourself with lingering feelings for this person long after the relationship has ended means the two of you have an undeniable connection that won’t completely disappear with time.
Just remember that though you may have felt that connection in the scattered times you’ve spoken or seen each other recently, that may not translate to a long-term relationship. Make a list of what in your relationship didn’t work and see if what you want is now on his radar. Remember, love is necessary but not sufficient. So the fact that you have a great connection, chemistry or history is not enough to make a reunion worthwhile.