Men cheat. Women cheat. People cheat. It’s true. The question many of us have at Dating with Dignity is, why?
We’ve compiled a list of the REAL reasons why men cheat.
So what is the MAIN reason men cheat?
The answer may surprise you. Most women assume men cheat because of sexual attraction–but in fact, they don’t. According to studies of men who have cheated in serious relationships or marriages, they cheated because they were emotionally dissatisfied in their relationships. An overwhelming majority were feeling underappreciated and emotionally disconnected from their partner. This can be an underlying feeling that’s been happening over time, or it can be sudden.
This isn’t to say that sex doesn’t play a role AT ALL in men’s infidelity. Sex is an integral part of a healthy relationship, and for that reason if a guy is in an emotionally satisfying relationship that’s sexually deficient, it’s likely he’ll look for it elsewhere.
So how physical was it?
Of course, when someone engages in a physical affair they’re most likely attracted to them. However (and again somewhat surprisingly), in multiple studies almost 90% of men surveyed who had cheated did NOT describe the woman they cheated with as being more attractive than their partner.
When does it happen?
Another reason men cheat is to get affirmation that they’re still desirable to the opposite sex–and not the person they’re in a long-term relationship with. Harmless flirting is fine; but when a man is insecure enough about his waning mojo, he’ll seek out women outside of his relationship to confirm he still “has it.” (Of course there are also men who simply enjoy the art of sneaking around, and we hope you stay far away from that type of guy.)
And where do most men meet the women they have affairs with?
Many men who begin to feel underappreciated at home seek out admiration and respect in the workplace. Often these dalliances start out as emotional connections and then progress to the physical. When men have trouble talking with their partners or feel as though they’ve lost a spark in their relationship (mental, physical or otherwise), it’s easy to lean on female acquaintances and friends whom they’re around most often: from 9 to 5.
Other influences that cause men to cheat?
These include getting an extra thrill, being around friends who have also or are currently cheating on a spouse or partner, and feeling as though their partner has changed. If a man feels like his girlfriend or wife has become less caring or has stopped being romantic, it can cause him to seek affection from other women. If she’s vastly different from the girl he feels he fell in love with, he’ll want to find what he used to have with her…somewhere else.
Cheating sucks. The above reasons for why men cheat — if you can call them that — are simply justifications for disrespectful behavior. Hopefully if a man is feeling any of the above inadequacies, he’ll talk to his partner about it first.
So what are three ways you can reduce the likelihood your man turns into a cheater?
1. Don’t lose sight of your well-being/health
Being in a long-term relationship can create a sense of comfort, which is great! But make sure you don’t get too comfortable. For instance, don’t quit wearing make up altogether or make your daily uniform sweatpants and an old tee. Of course this is a completely appropriate outfit for a night in with your guy, but dressing up sometimes will help remind him of your femininity and beauty. Keep your fitness and diet regimen the same as when you two got together!
Just because you’re committed to each other, it doesn’t mean you should stop caring about your waistline or your overall general health. Keeping this up will also help keep your confidence up–and that’s one thing that all guys can agree is HOT.
2. Keep communication open
If you’ve found that something seems odd or missing, it may be time to open up the lines of communication, a la “Hey babe? I noticed we haven’t been doing our regular date night for the last few weeks. How do you feel about renewing that tradition?” This is an example of a nonconfrontational way to rejuvenate the romantic (and important) part of your relationship.
Accepting that you’re both “busy” or that maybe this is just a phase doesn’t cut it. Turn up the volume on your voice and say what you need to say. It’s better to step out of denial and into a solution so you can give your relationship a chance to change and grow over time.
3. Along with the emotional part of your relationship, keep the physical part fresh!
Don’t let your activities in the bedroom get stale. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself and your man how fiery your chemistry was at the start of your relationship. Reenact one of your first dates, plan a weekend away, or settle in for a “stay-cation.”
Some of the best advice I ever got way back when was this: Never go longer than three days (yes, THREE) without having sex with your partner. Sure, you’re tired. And yes, maybe the garlic from dinner makes you feel less than pretty. So what?! We promise that once you get into the groove, your mind will tune into your body and a connection will be established. Busy lives can’t get in the way of maintaining a physical connection. Fake it til you make it to help ensure you stay connected and happy!
hi marni I love your website and its gotten me through so much and.i always demand.respect from men. an immense amount of pain is gone! Anway I can’t helphave.this dilemma and question in my life .. after hearing so many stories.of.men.cheating so much including my father. Hypothetically but very realistically, I would like you to guide or give.light/ touch base on this topic. after dating for years and years we finally find Mr. Right the one love of our life and we enter a long term.committed relationship which eventually leads to marriage. Question 1 Sometimes I ask myself are we meant to be committed to one person our whole life? Is it in our nature that we commit.or.is it society and morals and the church that puts that pressure on relationships ? So many temptations arise after being with someone for x amount of years. We meet amazing people through the years and there is a reason people.cheat so much. What If we decide to marry the love.of our.life and we meet somene.else that is so amazing who we find an even deeper profound connection with, what do we do then?
Lillian: You know, the decision to commit to one person for the rest of your life is a personal one. It’s a decision everyone has to make for themselves. I think it is possible to be with one person forever, but only if that’s the right path for you. BIG hugs, Marni
Hi Marni,
You know how much I’m commited to improve the life of singles in every way (would love so much to have you as a speaker to my event “The Solo Lifestyle show”! Anyway, coming back to cheating, I met the father of my 3 children when I was 15, married him at 19 and 12 years later (my youngest was 3), he cheated on me with… someone from work! I forgave him this one time, cause he said he still loved me, warning him that I could not go through this pain again and that one more time would be too many. A year later, it happened again, with another woman somehow related to his work. So sadly, it was the end of our marriage cause he never wanted to go to counseling which I offered, even when he was goig out with her… And believe it or not, the last thing he said, walking out the door with his stuff was that he still loved me and had NOTHING to blame me for!
That was 20 years ago and it still hurts when I think too much about it… Looking back, I COULD have payed him more attention, but admit with me that with the 3 Young kids, the job, the house, plus the fact that he’s always been a workaholic and was almost never home, It was not easy for me to achieve that. But you’re entirely right! And today, I do tell my daughter, who herself has 2 Young kids, to NEVER neglect her boyfriend… with whom she’s with since she was… 15! (Talk about walking in her mom’s step! LOLL).
So keep up with your good and very wise advices. Always a pleasure to read them.
Chantale
Kind of puts a lot of pressure on the one that is already over functioning in the relationship, no? Key word is “feel”. A man may feel disconnected and under-appreciated, but that is an internal state. That is not necessarily due to something their partner does, nor can it necessarily be corrected by the partner doing something differently. Sometimes one partner in the relationship will begin building the case to cheat and uses this to justify it. There is no one size fits all here. I think the best plan is to get some direction through books, seminars, websites or even counseling where both partners can bring to light their feelings and both learn new ways to work at staying connected, keeping the relationship vibrant.
Hi Marni
it ended up 6 months. Although the man I dated he like me but not boy friend material
I enjoyed your dignity show. I always can’t find the right man
Hi Marni,
Your advice is great however I have a huge BUT. That is once outside the US mistresses and cheating is accepted and rewarded. I hope there will be a video on how to handle this. Many women are desperate to find an American man. They will go full steam ahead to snatch a man away.
I know many American women put in this situation me included. A young attractive woman who is desperate throws the sexxy out there men get turned on. It is difficult for them to say , No.
At the end of the day women are still not treated properly. I put myself out there to date and the number of committed men ask me out is high. It’s sad. I did nothing to ask the Universe for an unavailable man. It’s frustrating.
It appears women are replacable. Not many men are alone.
Chantale, thank you SO much for sharing your story. BIG hugs, Marni
Hi Jeri, I appreciate your passion on this subject, and I agree with you – one size does not fit all when it comes to cheating, and sometimes a woman can do everything right and a man can still stray because of his own issues. Keep reading and commenting. Your voice is refreshing!
Hi Doreen… keep at it. Keep dating, get online, practice being feminine – I PROMISE you will find the right one for you.
Hi Cammy, I appreciate your passion on this subject, and I think it’s an important to make the distinction that while SOME men may be lured away by blatant sex, not ALL men stray.
I found this article sad and upsetting. Men and women cheat because they have no values or eroded values. Because society makes so many excuses and justifications for this morally deficient behavior as does this article. A person (male or female) who cheats does so because they are cowardly and dishonorable. A person with character will recognize feelings developing for another outside of their relationship and seek understanding with with a marriage counselor or trusted friend. An honorable person would end their relationship before allowing (yes choosing to spend time attention and affection on a person outside of their relationship) a new relationship to fully develop.
It is a difficult, painful experience for a spouse and while these are important issues in any relationship (showing appreciation, paying attention etc) these are not reasons people cheat. These are excuses to blame a spouse for their own awful choices that harm everyone involved even themselves.
I love your articles and am a big fan. I hope a differing opinion sheds light on a perhaps overlooked angle.
Hi Marni. Love your prospective on the article “Why Men Cheat” however I have to agree with Jen C’s reply. People don’t respect each other anymore. That explains why so many people are still single. My advise for a person on the receiving end of a cheater- Drop him/her now!!!! Don’t even waste your time. Spend your time finding someone who will respect you or enjoy loving yourself& value yourself. No one is worth that grief!!! That’s just my 2 cents.
JH — Thanks for sharing your two cents! There are times when you can move past infidelity, and there are also times when it’s best to leave the relationship and meet someone new. The hard part is figuring out which is which.
Again, thanks for sharing, and keep reading!
I love your advice about sexual frequency! However, most statistics I’ve read suggest that only newlyweds (or newlybeds so to speak for the unmarried) hit that pace. It seems to me that the “honeymoon” period is critical in that by the end of it a typical male is already looking around at (not necessarily “for”)other women, and yet the typical woman is just feeling comfortable in the relationship…and starts to take the little things for granted. And then in many relationships the wife/girlfriend becomes a mom and the dad is relegated to 2nd class citizen status. Good luck with that 10 times a month tempo! Simple concept that somehow got lost in the era where a wife could say no to her husband…you’ve come a long way baby, but keep saying no (an effective no doesn’t have to be verbalized) and good luck competing with those women out there willing to say yes to your typical man.