Here at Dating with Dignity we get this question all the time: how can I move on and grow from my past relationship? Since break up advice is some of the most sought-after information for Dignity Daters, we put it right here for you.
Getting over an ex is going to turn you into the new version of you! (A better version, too!) Our favorite breakup mantra is this: “Your breakup can be the BEST ‘worst’ thing that ever happened to you!” Once you do the work we suggest, you might one day realize you’re no longer attracted to him.
As you evaluate where you are in your life, you may realize that what you thought you wanted is something he was unable to give you, or that perhaps your needs changed as the relationship developed and he was unable to meet them. Of course, we know you had feelings for your ex and breaking up is never a simple cut-and-dry experience;however, you can be on a road to a confident recovery if you follow our advice.
Here are two Dating with Dignity-approved break up tips to recover with confidence, fewer tears, and hope for future romance.
1. Surround yourself with people who love you.
If your ex broke up with you, it can feel like the most brutal form of rejection. Even if you did the breaking up, it can still be a huge ding to your self-esteem; the fact that someone either doesn’t want to be with you or is okay not being with you rough! The key is not to let this affect your confidence. One of the best ways to cushion your self-esteem is to surround yourself with family and friends who love you.
It’s possible that while you were in your last relationship, you went on a “boyfriend hiatus” and neglected some of your friendships. In that case, apologize for your disappearing act and try to spend some time catching up (While also making a pledge to yourself not to David Blaine on your friends in the future!).
Being around people who think you’re the bee’s knees will help boost your self-esteem so you don’t take off into nobody-loves-me land. Trust us: not a good place to be. And you certainly don’t need to go there; because while the break up happened to you, it’s certainly not a reflection of your worth, value or love-ability. The truth is, love is necessary but not sufficient. And as a result, the best chemistry, memories and hopes are not enough to make a relationship worth saving.
2.Take a wrecking ball to the statue.
One of the most important tips in the steps toward a confident breakup recovery is called “The Wrecking Ball Method.” This actionable step will help you feel like you’re “doing something” to move on rather than continuing to break down when you think about your ex.
First, make a list of everything you want in your dream partner. This could include items such as ambition, if he wants kids or not, how religious he is, or how he treats you. Put that list away for two days.
The next day, make a list of the characteristics of your last partner that you didn’t like. This could include things such as the fact that he was always late, that he never called when he said he would, how he never asked you to hang out with his friends, etc. (Of course, this list might be long if you aren’t together anymore.) Take time with this list, and don’t be afraid to get specific. This is one time it’s going to be helpful to complain, bitch, moan and whine about how he showed up in your relationship.
On the third day, look at both lists: the list about the guy you want to be with, and the list about the guy you were with. We’d be willing to bet your “what I want” list doesn’t even closely resemble your ex.
Write down the differences and journal about what it will cost you to hold on to the fantasy of your relationship. Make a choice on that day, in that moment, to take the wrecking ball to the man you’ve kept on a pedestal. Put him in his rightful place: your past.
You may realize that while you loved your ex and your love was real, you just weren’t a match. The idea that you have in your head about your ex is probably drastically different than what he really is, and it’s time for you to knock down that idea or the “statue” and move on in the direction of your new self so you can attract your dream guy.