We wanted to take some time this week at Dating With Dignity to celebrate Men’s Health Week in honor of our intention to create partnership with the opposite sex — and, of course, to create a deeper understanding of how being in our authentic self can actually increase your attraction factor.
For the next week we’re going to provide you with a special treat provided by our new Associate Coach and Man Expert, James Wilson, CPC, in the form of blog posts dedicated to help you understand men more deeply. It’s our hope that you can use this information on your journey toward getting engaged and discovering the joy of long-term partnership and love.
Day One
The Secrets to Winning a Man’s Heart Revealed: Love v. Respect
Ladies, did you know that men would rather feel unloved than inadequate or disrespected?
This fact is a powerful piece of information and a secret most women don’t know. Once you understand this secret and can use this information in how you communicate and interact with the men in your life, it can change everything dramatically so you feel empowered, feminine, and confident.
Is there anything worse in the world that not being loved? For men there actually is, and that is the sense of not measuring up. This sense of “not enough” comes through in so many ways that we aren’t even aware of.
Many of you may have even mistakenly implied that a man is inadequate. Men spend much of their lives competing and comparing themselves to each other in a desperate attempt to prove that they’re enough. From the boardroom to the bedroom, from the car shop to the ball park, there are many ill attempts to make a man feel enough.
One tactic, however, that can ensure your man is feeling his alpha-self is this: acknowledging and validating.
This is not to be confused with praise or with verbal expressions of love and affection. Acknowledging and validating is a way of recognizing something that a man has done that is a display of masculinity.
Now many of you may have a skewed view of what masculinity even means, especially if you’ve been hurt before (And who hasn’t?). But we’ll get to that some other time. For now let me offer this example.
A couple weeks ago I was in a bar/restaurant with some friends. I noticed a young boy by the pool table, playing a round of pool on his own. Well, he was just shooting around the white ball. His mom and another man were next to him at a counter having a drink.
I thought it must be pretty boring playing pool by yourself and my friends were busy chatting away, so I excused myself from the table joined the boy at the pool table. I had a great time playing pool, and so did the little boy. His mom appreciated the gesture.
But what really made my day is when my girlfriend took my hand, looked me in the eye, and told me how much she respected me for being so observant and empathetic and taking the time to reach out to the boy. I don’t even remember how she phrased it, because I knew to what action she was referring.
To be honest, I lost track of time after “you know I really respect you…” That was all I needed to hear. I will never forget that moment. I felt so validated in myself as a human being, but moreover as man. There was no big heroic act, no grandiosity that called for medals and parades. It was a small gesture that displayed leadership, values, and caring. And, as a result, I was validated as a man.
When a man is made to feel this way, he feels wanted and like he belongs: as if he is an honorable man and is respected by you. Wow.
I can tell you that no “I love you” could have measured up to that “I really respect you…” in that moment. And the moment can be used for anything as small as fixing a lightbulb. “I really appreciate it when you…” “I honor you for…” We all want to say I love you, and that’s awesome; I love the L word. But what a difference it would make if we started to say what others love to hear in addition to what we love to say.
I hope this serves you, and I look forward to sharing more tips on how to attract the men you want rather than the men you get as we journey deeper together during Men’s Health Week.
James Wilson, CPC
- Male Expert Coach at DWD
James Earl Wilson, CPC, is an internationally renowned, award-winning performer and relationship coach. James functions as Male Expert Coach for Dating With Dignity, where he consults successful women and men on their path to find the love they desire and deserve. Please don’t hesitate to e-mail James here if you have any questions.
[...] Read Part 1 of this series. [...]
Thank you for this.
Just last night my fiancée broke down crying because he feels I lack respect for him.
This blew my mind because i love him so much that i was like, “where is this coming from?”
But you make sense because I treat him the way I want to be treated – which is not necessarily very masculine.
After reading your article I can see how I can replace a few “I love yous” with some “I honor that you did X” or “I respect that you work so hard at Y.”
Kudos to the Dating with Dignity team!!!
Please keep us posted and let us know how this creates a new energy in your relationship!
James, James, James! Great insight from a man's perspective communicated in a way we women kind can understand.
Now, how to tune into those masculine gestures and recognize them is another layer we need help with. I think it would be safe to say this is one of the #1 misunderstandings between men and women and not because women don't want to understand but maybe we need a list that says, "This is what a man in his masculine looks like". Then, we could start looking for those things until it becomes second nature. Because after all, you don't know what you don't know. ( :
Jimmy 'Kemo' Blitz did you see this? Next topic? Please ( :
James, I think you’re right on … “I respect you for” … “I really admire you because…” This stuff gets our attention.
peace,
Matt
That is fantastic, Veronica!
I am glad to have been of service.
I treated my husband exactly the way you described. I saw myself giving him both the masculine and feminine side-be it work, future plans, or our our loving relationship. He got to the point where he completely forgot how to treat me right or if it’s the way I validated him, acknowledged him made him think I didn’t crave similar things! I recently brought it up my feeling and how I felt being left out. He feels that he gave me all the love he could. Women need the same validation too. I learned it’s not about gender or man’s need to be respected, there are people that give too much and those that are drowning the sea of love and forgot their partners need some love in return.
Thanks
Sarah
Hi Sarah, I love the insights you just shared. The best of luck to you and your husband, and keep reading and commenting! BIG hugs, Marni
I’ve been very observant of my generation and of today’s. There are so many differences between the two and frankly, today’s younger generation dumbfounds me when it comes to relationships. Being “almost 40″ I can say that most men my age and older can have very little in life but when their wife, girlfriend, or significant other respects them (and not in an authoritarian way) they feel like they’ve got everything they need in this world! And of course a good man will respond with love. And the reverse is true, Love that wonderful woman unconditionally and she will heap piles of respect on your head! But today’s kids eh… instant gratification, angry girlfriends, and boys who don’t know what commitment means.
Yes! You are so right! Women want to be adored; men want to be respected. Love your insight. Thanks for sharing!