When it comes to being single, there are no days like Hallmark Holidays that can bring on feelings of dread, sadness, hopelessness, anger and good old disappointment. (I know this, as I was divorced and single for six years after my 19 year marriage to a man I met at 19 years old) What’s worse is that for most these women, it’s not just Valentine’s Day itself that makes them feel the ick. The truth is, the dread can begin as soon as the third week of January approaches (that’s typically when the New Year “high” begins to fade, the guys at the gym aren’t really that interesting, and the few dates from your new membership on Match.com were less than thrilling) which results in a downward spiral that can be tough to endure.
As a result, it’s important to have a plan; a blueprint of sorts that can enable you to master your happiness factor even when the crap feelings surface, despite your best intentions.
Introducing YOUR plan for Valentine’s Day – The Dating With Dignity C.A.L.M. Process:
The C.A.L.M. Process is a Four-Step Plan to ensure that you are always able to be that CAUSE of your feelings, rather than the effect. Because it is when we allow ourselves to fall victim to the “inner critic” voice inside that whispers, “you are not good enough,” or “it will never happen for me,” that life gets tricky and sends your “attraction factor” plummeting. And when that happens, it doesn’t matter how much you “wish” for a date on February 14th.
So take a deep breath, realize that this Valentine’s Day Season does not have to be like any other you have ever had, and dig into how to stay CALM amidst the “red” holiday hooplah.
There are four components to the C.A.L.M Process:
A – ADJUST it Always
L – LOVE Yourself
M – MASTER your SKILLS
Today, we will discover why you must always ADJUST your mindset so that you are no longer at risk of letting the circumstance of your past become a prediction of your future.
In my experience I have come to believe that there is an emotional “urban legend” run amok. An urban legend that states once you do “work” on yourself, or have a breakthrough, you will never again be susceptible to feelings of self doubt, fear, sadness, or anger. I work with men and women who become so frustrated that they are having feelings, when in fact, it is these feelings they “signed up” for when deciding to venture into the world of connection with other humans who wander the planet!
As a result of this, it is critical to understand deeply that as life “happens,” you will be triggered, angered, disappointed, frustrated, sad, as well as ecstatic! This is life! And, when you sign up to date, you are signing up to be IN your life as a full participant.
That’s why it’s imperative that you master the skills necessary to ALWAYS adjust your mindset back to it’s happy “set-point” without having to beat yourself up for it first.
In the work I do using the Core Energy Model, lower energetic vibrations (I call them Level 1: Victim Thoughts and Level 2: Conflict Thoughts can have a horrid systemic impact on your wellness. In addition to loading you up with stress-related hormones such as cortisol, you may feel anxious, worried, apathetic or lethargic. It is in moving to Level 3 – Coping, that allows you to raise your energy vibration into a more positive frequency.
The bottom line is this: In order to “Adjust Always” you must stop pointing the finger, assigning blame or feel disempowered. Making adjustments requires that you take responsibility for your mindset.
Use the following strategies to make adjustments to your mindset when you feel yourself plummeting into the “Red Zone” during Valentine’s Day Season:
- Shift your thinking from “poor me” to “what’s in it for me.” Begin to think of how you will gain from shifting your mindset. Create a mental list of the benefits you will enjoy from changing your thoughts and get into positive action.
- If your negative thoughts are making you feel pressured because you are judging yourself or others, create a strategy to be of service to others instead of self-centered thinking. Make a gratitude list.
- Imagine what you would say to a friend if she were in your shoes. Think of another way to look at the situation, and then once again remember what it costs you if you DO NOT adjust back into the positive mindset you worked so hard to achieve.
- Remember that all feelings are TEMPORARY. Allow yourself to have a pity party and allow the feelings to flow THROUGH you instead of trying to push them aside. Set a time limit for the “Party” and then choose to return to the positive thoughts you created in STEP 1 on the C.A.L.M. Process.
- Do a meditative centering activity, connect with a supportive friend (rather than a friend who is a “Debbie Downer), read a self-help book or listen to your favorite uplifting MP3, get involved in a spiritual community, or volunteer for an organization that touches your heart.
I wish for your Valentine’s Day Season to be one filled with calm, peace, confidence, hope and joy – the things that the men you want are looking for in a long-term partner! Ready for the next step?: Part 3: Love Yourself