When it comes to being single, there are no days like Hallmark Holidays that can bring on feelings of dread, sadness, hopelessness, anger and good old disappointment. What’s worse is that for most these women, it’s not just Valentine’s Day itself that makes them feel the ick. The truth is, the dread can begin as soon as the third week of January (that’s typically when the New Year “high” begins to fade, the guys at the gym aren’t really that interesting, and the few dates from your new membership on Match.com were less than thrilling) which results in a downward spiral that can be tough to endure.
As a result, it’s important to have a plan; a blueprint of sorts that can enable you to master your happiness factor even when the crap feelings surface, despite your best intentions. Introducing YOUR plan for Valentine’s Day – The Dating With Dignity C.A.L.M. Process.
The C.A.L.M. Process is a Four-Step Plan to ensure that you are always able to be at the CAUSE of your feelings, rather than the effect. Because it is when we allow ourselves to fall victim to the “inner critic” voice inside that whispers, “you are not good enough,” or “it will never happen for me,” that life gets tricky and sends your “attraction factor” plummeting.
So let’s take a deep breath, realize that this Valentine’s Day Season does not have to be like any other you have ever had, and dig into how to stay CALM amidst the holiday hooplah.
There are four components to the C.A.L.M Process:
C – CHANGE Your Mindset
A – ADJUST it Always
L – LOVE Yourself
M – MASTER your SKILLS
Today, we will discover how to change your mindset so that you are no longer at risk of letting the circumstance of your past become a prediction of your future.
STEP ONE: Change Your Mindset
Before we can change our mindset, it’s critical to get clear on exactly what rules or beliefs you are convinced are “The Truth” about your world. Here are a few that might be screaming in your mind this Valentine’s Day Season:
Everyone has a partner except for me.
Smart women intimidate men.
All men are creeps, jerks or just interested in sex.
Why bother? I’m going to get hurt anyway.
Once you are ready to gather your “Truths” together, it’s important to understand how they are truly limiting your ability to have the life and lifestyle that you desire. Whether you are a fan of the “Law of Attraction” or not, the reality is that your thoughts are powerful. In fact, they are so powerful that once you launch into a series of thoughts, they will assuredly produce an array of intense feelings. And, once the thought train has hooked up to the feelings “car,” it will continue down the track until your actions begin to reflect the thoughts and feelings. Last, this powerful train will then head into “Results Station,” providing results that are NOT alignment with what you want for your life.
Take a look at an example:
Thought: Everyone has a partner except for me.
Feelings: Sad, hopeless, ashamed
Actions: Binge eat, stay in bed, call a friend who will agree with me.
Results: I feel unattractive and unworthy so I don’t really put my best self out into the world. I feel judged and I judge others. I don’t smile or connect with men when I am out. I hide.
Now, imagine if you were able to STOP those negative thoughts and begin to shift into a different approach. Obviously, the results you get will be dramatically different. Alas, you may say, it is not so easy to just “change” your thoughts. We know this at Dating With Dignity, which is why it is important to put on your detective hat and dig into the junk underneath the thoughts. What happens most often is that when you begin to engage your intellect in the process and then realize what it costs you to hold on to the old rules and beliefs, you are able to create a core shift in beliefs that is deeper than just trying to “think” your way out of the thoughts that don’t serve you.
Once you have identified the most powerful thought in your “train wreck,” scenario ask yourself the following questions:
- Where did I learn this? Who taught it to me? What experiences happened to me that created this belief?
- How true is it, REALLY? (e.g., Does EVERYONE really have a partner? Are ALL the couples that I know truly blissful?)
- What is it costing me? What will I lose if I continue to let the past predict my future?
- What would change if I let it go?
- What could a NEW belief be, that is in alignment with MY truth and will serve me in achieving my goals?
- How can I put it into ACTION? What will I do next?
Once you journal on these questions, write down your new belief. In the example above it might be:
My future partner is looking for me, and I am ready for him to find me!
Then, begin to EMBODY this belief. How do you hold your shoulders when you ARE this thought from the inside, out. When you have this thought, how does it make you feel? What actions may result from this thought and feeling? And last, what kind of results do you get when you take this train rather than the train that leads to Valentine’s Day Hell.
Changing your mindset may not be easy, that’s for sure. However, once you begin to have a new awareness of how powerful your thoughts can be, it is your opportunity to begin to take responsibility for changing your mindset. The result will be phenomenal as you will no longer be victim to your fear-based thoughts, have awareness to understand these thoughts are only learned responses based on past experiences, and have the freedom to create the energetic frequency that will ultimately attract that partner of YOUR dreams.
I wish for your Valentine’s Day Season to be one filled with calm, peace, confidence, hope and joy – the things that the men you want — are looking for in a partner! Ready for the next step?: PART 2: Adjust Always