It doesn’t matter whether a client is 25, 38 or 45. It doesn’t matter if she has been divorced, never married or hasn’t dated in fifteen years. Whatever her “profile,” or history, many of the women who come to this site for support are, quite frankly, scared to death of living the rest of their life alone.
There, I’ve said it for you. I’ve even put it in writing.
During my Relationship Readiness Retreat last July, I had several of the women who participated verbalize this thought, after spending years and years trying desperately to squash it. The idea of actually admitting it to a group of strangers was immensely powerful. And, what’s most important, is that for each of them it was the first time they had allowed themselves to fully connect to the fear and its powerful hold on their psyche.
That said, what can you do to MASTER your fear? Notice I didn’t say, “get rid of,” or “kill” it. The truth is that you cannot, nor would you want to ever eliminate fear from your emotional repertoire. Fear can keep you safe. Fear tells you when to run, and gives you that odd feeling when someone you meet seems “off.” However, when fear comes knocking it is now your responsibility to do the following:
1. Recognize the fear. Call it out and even name it. Get LOUD about it. Don’t be shy, ladies. One of my clients named his fear, “Mr. Come to Vegas,” because it is his fear that puts on the smarmy “vegas suit” and beckons him to the land of no return. Mr. Come To Vegas says,”Come on Tim. It’s safe in Vegas. No worries here.” A female client I have calls her fear, “Mr. Deflato-Man,” because his job is to deflate her hopes and dreams. Whatever your fear, instead of pushing it down or pretending it doesn’t exist, face it, name it and conquer it head on!
2. Get mad at your fear! Yep, when our fear is in charge we spiral down, down, down into no-man’s land of victim thinking. When we get stuck here we feel sorry for ourselves. We think of how everyone has a partner except us. We question ourselves, asking “why me?”, a plethora of tissues littering our bed, tears soaking our favorite stuffed animal. From this place, NOTHING happens. That’s right. We just languish at a pity party whose only guests are you and Mr. Teddy. While this feels good — for a while — it is when we stay here (and I’m talking about inside your head and heart — long after the tears are dried and the tissues are buried in the wastebasket) that nothing changes. We get stuck in fear and sadness. And this, quite simply, sucks :). We feel bad. We stop trying, start complaining and blaming, and often engage in behavior to prove ourselves right. It is when you decide to fight back, and take control of your thoughts and feelings, that you can begin to get a different result. For some of my clients, they enjoy moments of shouting aloud to their fear, telling it that it no longer RULES the roost. They yell, scream and get really, really MAD!
3. Get into ACTION! Once you move past your anger, it’s time to get to work. The best way to get a new result is to change either a THOUGHT, a FEELING, or an ACTION. Once you are able to change it all around by MOVING into action, fear, sadness and “why me” thinking dissipate. A client today, for example, emailed me asking for help in getting through a tough spot today. In doing some work via email, we were able to figure out what action would best serve her emotions, physical body, her busy “over-analyzing” brain and her authentic self. The result? A hot yoga class after work! Once she had a solution she was able to stop wallowing and felt instant relief.
It’s your responsibility to manage fear. And, with the proper support, tools, techniques and strategies you CAN do it! For more information on how to manage the fear YOU have, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.