Are you exhausted by it?

You know, all the chit chat regarding how to bring your “feminine energy” to the world of dating and relationships? There are so many “rules” floating through the internet, radio, and television and as a result it’s becoming increasingly more complicated to understand exactly what this means.  What’s more, so many women I discuss the concept  of “feminine energy” with tell me this:

“I am not going to be different just to land a man.  If he can’t deal with my energy, then tough.  His loss.”

Yikes.  Ok, maybe not yikes.  I mean, I do distinctly remember sitting at a workshop several years ago thinking that if a man didn’t like me the way  I am — right now– then “screw him.”  The problem became that I had convinced myself that there was nothing I could “work on,” and the right guy would get it, would get me.  I was happy (ish).  Confident (enough), and I had convinced myself that it was totally normal to not want to spend the night in the bed of a man who totally liked me.  In fact, I relished having this “male” point of view.  I was in, I was out.  No harm, no foul.

That is, until I decided I really did want to have a relationship.  I didn’t want to stop being me, though.  What I wanted was to bring the BIGGEST, BEST version of me. But I no longer knew exactly what that was.  And truth be told, if I could move past trying to protect myself (which was my unconscious, buried M.O.), I knew deep down the authentic me was pretty darn vulnerable, sweet, and VERY nurturing.  Which, in my limited view at that time, was a recipe for disaster when it came to what I thought was necessary to become a successful dater.

That was, until, I started to study femininity and realized that I TOTALLY have it.  Tons of it, in fact.  However, I had no idea what it looked like to actually bring it into the world of dating and relationships.

Here then, are the “Cliff Notes” version of what I learned, and what I tell my clients to begin noticing as they roll “feminine” into their BEING.

1.  Can you receive? The concept is not original, however my colleague Mat Boggs, describes it best in his successful workshop, “Cracking the ManCode.” Mat calls it “Joyful Receiving,” and simply asks that women let men “do” for them.  From allowing him to pay for your parking, bring in your gym bag, connect your DVD player to the TV, choose the table at a restaurant, and drive 35 miles to YOUR neighborhood, all you need to do to play into your feminine is to say, “Yes, thank you.”

2.  Give up the need to “be right.” While I am not suggesting you stop engaging in playful banter, sharing your point of view, or another good solution to his OBVIOUS problem (lol), telling him why your directions to the West Side of town are better is NOT the best demonstration of your feminine energy.  In fact, look at how often you need to be right.  The need to be right is fundamentally “alpha male,” and a man will not be attracted to another alpha.  That said, there is a right time to discuss directions (not the first or second date, preferably), and MANelists nationwide agree: criticizing his choice or telling him he is blatantly WRONG is a definite turn OFF.  Remember, if you truly desire a relationship, check the need to be right at the door.  Perhaps, in fact, become adept at knowing sometimes it is better to be “smart” than to be right.

3.  Busy versus Active. Women who tell a man how “busy” she is often gives off the impression that she doesn’t have time for a partnership.  Many women do this to let a man know she doesn’t “need” him; that she is an independent and self sufficient gal.  The consequence, however, is that in many cases women don’t understand that men want to be with a woman who does “need” a man — for something.  And, the truth is ladies, while you don’t need a man, I suspect you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t at least, want one in your life!  When a man asks you out and your very awesome life has resulted in a  full schedule, don’t respond by telling him how “busy” you are, and that you will have to check you calendar or “let him know.”  Instead, tell your suitor this, “I am super active these days, although I would love to  see you.  How does your Thursday look?”  This will land much softer, (and thus leak more of that feminine mojo men love)  allowing him to know that while your life rocks, there is the possibility that one day you may have room for him.

A woman’s masculine/feminine energy ratio is revealed in the D-Factor, Date-Ability Assessment I do with clients. To take the D-Factor and schedule a private 30 minute debrief coaching session to find out what you are up against, click here.  For those in Los Angeles who want to see what thoughts, feelings and beliefs leak masculine energy, AND then develop a solid plan to create change before the end of the year, Dating With Dignity is hosting a LIVE, 3- Hour Group D-Factor Coaching Intensive on Sunday, October 24th. This is a small, exclusive event that will be held at my home office.   Click here for details.