- HAS to be full-blown Serious.
- He’s got 2 have things in common with me, comics, games; horror movies; all the good stuff.
- Has to have respect and be old fashioned in his approach.
- He has to be logical, and a very intellectual, mature person, definitely knows the cover of the NY Times and reads the OpEd.
- Smart. Of course. College educated, graduate degree is nice.
- He cannot be promiscuous, like he has to “see” something special in me. I should be the focus of his attention.
- He has a stable job…preferably he has a career and is passionate about something that he worked hard to get. I worked hard for mine and don’t want him relying upon me.
- He has good friends that I can make my own friends.
- Looks don’t matter, as long as he won’t die from his weight or something like that.
- But I do prefer darker, longer hair. 😉 and a decent build that I can hold onto when we cuddle.
Ok, I get it: “The List.” It is good to write down exactly what you are looking for…what makes you tick. It is important to match your values, wants, and desires with someone else. You write down exactly what you want and you go out and get it. You watched “The Secret” and will manifest that dream man in your life. Here is the only problem: as you sculpted out this “perfect man,” you removed almost nine-tenths of the male population, leaving a lot of potential gentlemen callers and very good guys off your radar (and if you are a gentleman reading this, this applies to you too!). Here is one way to go…forget the list. Toss it away. Start from a clean slate. I am not saying throw away your values. If you want to hold off on sex till you are married, then you find a guy who is cool with your decision. If you are want to go to church every Sunday, it is probably a good thing to find a chap who is supportive or open to sharing in your faith. But if we take the list up above, for example (and it I based on an actual list) this gal is not going to give the time of day to a fella who doesn’t dig on comics. She will keep searching and searching, and maybe the guy in the cubicle next to her who has never opened a Marvel or DC, is a totally nice and wonderful guy who could eventually be an awesome mate and even a good father of her children.
Here is my issue about The List. It looks to be all about HIM but in the end, it is all about YOU. It is like a big gate that the individual holds up that says, “You must be this tall and have all these characteristics to ride this ride.” It is a T-Shirt that says, “The is me, hear me roar, and if you can’t hang with this, then bug off.” This this inward, self focused energy is not a great jumping off point to the dating process. It gets people in their head and into themselves quite quickly, as opposed to being open to the possibility and organic nature of the dating process. The last place you want to be on a date is in your head thinking “Does he fit this, or does he fit that requirement?”
The beauty of dating is that it is a huge learning field. You learn about yourself by interacting with others. You are also stretched to new places, ideas, and thoughts by a new person in your life. This is a great place to grow…not a neutral ground to find a mirror image of yourself or a perfect puzzle piece that fits into the grooves that you have prematurely decided on your own. By letting go, you’d be surprised what life might throw at you. Don’t worry, if you are practicing your Dating With Dignity principles, you won’t end up with some random Joe who is just looking for a quick hook-up in the back of his Buick.
Bottom line…you can meet a guy who loves comic books, is 5’8’’, is open to left leaning politics, will laugh at all your jokes, and loves Italian food, BUT…will he be there when the sh%^ hits the fan, will he be understanding and forgiving when you mess up and turn into a raging bit$% on a bad day, will he be willing to put himself aside for you when you are in need, will he balance a check book and not kill your mortgage if you all get serious, and, if you are looking to start a family, will he be a selfless team member who patiently passes the ball and accepts the ball when the home becomes all about the two tikes that are crying and need diaper changes? If you are looking for a substantial relationship with someone, comic books and horror movies will matter very little at a certain point. On the other hand, dependability, accountability, compatibility, selflessness, and presence will matter most. So when you are out having fun and dating away, be open to it all. So what if he adores Mozart and can’t stand football; he might just have the biggest heart in the world and be there for you, while the football guy who benches 250 you always wanted, is hitting on chicks at work and is horrible at comforting you when it is your time of the month. Be open. They are all around you. Trust that your dating with dignity values will naturally lead you to a good guy and let time and dating decide if it is a good match, not a master list that is collecting dust.
By: Christian Anderson