Dating With Dignity

It’s amazing to me that one of the biggest frustrations I hear from women I meet is that men don’t do “what they want” them to do. They text too much,  are not on time, come on too strong, are too nice, too busy or don’t call at all.

Geez, is it really the men who are all wrong?  In even making the list above I realize that while there are plenty of men who have not yet completely MANvolved into Mr. Boyfriend Material, is it really their “fault” they are not meeting your needs?  To make things trickier, when I ask women what they need or want, many can not articulate exactly what they are looking for.  That said, imagine if you knew the following:

1.  What you want in a partner — exactly.  (And I am talking deeper than dark hair, tall and financially successful)

2.  How to effectively communicate your needs and expectations in a way which vets out those who are not a match, without having to be a bitch, brash or judgemental.

3.  Simple ways to set boundaries so that you can allow the possibility of a relationship to unfold, before you automatically delete him from your phone.

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I am always intrigued when clients ask the loaded question — the questions that seem so simple but then are ultimately the opening to a very deep place.  During a coaching session this week with Susie, one of my clients, she innocently walked through the metaphorical open doorway, simply wondering how to be sexy without being objectified as a sexual object.

Then, I heard from a man named Jack, who had simply found me via Google and shared a story, asking for help.  Jack had attended a party and met Emily.  They had a great conversation, and as they were beginning to really click, Jack had said to Emily a nice version of, “You have a slammin’ bod!” (it was actually something more like hourglass figure) Emily recoiled, and chastised Jack, leaving him confused and disappointed.  He had meant to give Emily a compliment.  He wrote me, wondering where had he gone wrong.

What do Jack, Emily and Susie have in common?

Let me first share what I told Jack, in response to his question. After clarifying that his compliment was actually kind-hearted and appropriate given the connection they were having, I told Jack that some women may interpret compliments regarding their body as comments that objectify or sexualize them because of their past.  Yep, the limiting beliefs, assumptions and interpretations you have because of what happened to you in the past may, in fact, result in chasing away a man like Jack who had the best intention.

Let’s look at some typical ENERGY BLOCKS that can leak as negative conflict energy that both Emily and Susie may have regarding sex, men’s beliefs regarding women and the value they bring to a possible partnership.

1. Limiting Beliefs — The beliefs a woman holds as a universal truth can include, “Men only want to have sex,” “Men are perverts,” “Men think women are just valuable because they provide a sexual outlet for them,” “Women who wear certain clothes are asking for it; I’m not wearing anything sexy so I don’t deserve/warrant attention.” If Susie and Emily have any of these beliefs, it can limit their ability to be open, gracious and receive a compliment as nothing more than a compliment. (I’m always intrigued by these compliments, as most women spend hours at the gym, can obsess about their weight, and yet are irritated when they receive attention based on their physical appearance.)

2. Assumptions — Assumptions are based on the belief that if something happened in the past, it will assuredly happen again. If any man had every disrespected Emily based on a comment made regarding her physical appearance, she may assume that men who give her a compliment do not respect or value her. In Jack’s case, this was simply not the truth. If Susie believes that because she was valued as a sexual object in the past, she may believe that she can not be sexy and feminine, AND also be respected by men. In fact, Susie may have taken his compliment as an insult as a result of her assumptions.

Want to know how to Break Free of your Romantic Rut, don’t miss the next session of Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut beginning September 30, 2010. For details, click here.

Tonight is the MAN PANEL: How to Increase Your Attraction Factor here at Dating With Dignity and it is an important seminar to make since it plunges the depths of the four main types of MANimals that are not looking for a substantial relationship.

The reality of dating is that almost every straight man is eager to date and enjoy the company of a nice gal, but many are not eager to actually start a substantial relationship. This is reflected in the MANimal species: most notably Mr. Elusive, The Hunter, Mr. Quality Casual, and The Crybaby (see the Dating Den videos for their full breakdowns). The hunter is the most obvious of the species, since his playa-like (no, that is not misspelled) tactics can be most easily spotted since they move like a heat seeking missle. The other boys, though, might not be as obvious. No matter if we men are Hunters, Quality Casuals , or open to the real deal; we all enjoy the company of women and pretty much cannot live without it-even if in the end, we have no intention of actually settling down. So why do I say all of this…to reinforce the idea of DATA DATING.

Even if you end up meeting some great guy who really turns your wheels but through your data dating you discover that he is just a good guy who would rather focus on his career than an actual girlfriend, you have not wasted any time. Quite the opposite: you spent 4-5 weeks taking your time, gaining insight, staying in the moment, learning about values that you dig in a partner, what you don’t dig in a partner, getting out and enjoying life with someone, practicing patience in the bedroom (which is a relationship lesson worth its weight of gold), and discovering that this potential partner would not be good for you in the long haul, even if you think he is dreamy.

I don’t want you to be scared of the MANimal species. Marni will kill me for saying it, but I’d vote for you to date them. Do it. I don’t mean look for them, but don’t walk around with your anti-MANimal spray on when you are out in the dating world. If you practice your DD principles (taking your time, ending the date vertically and clothed, keeping those emotions in balance, staying committed to your values, etc.), trust me, these MANimals will disappear and find gals who fit their agenda. Dating is all about learning about yourself and what works for you. By dating any guy, MANimal or not, you learn a tremendous amount of information about yourself, information that might make you look in the mirror and make you ten times the partner for your future mate.
Good dating changes you as a person, helps you grow and learn, and it should never be about changing the other person so they fit your agenda or become the perfect idea of a partner.

Hopefully, you will make it to the seminar tonight in LA. If you cannot or are in another part of the country, check out the MANimal Dating Den Web Series videos that Marni and I have put on the website. They break down the species pretty well. The overall idea is that we men adore you, and you truly motivate about 90% of the choices we make in life. Some of us, though, are not sure when to focus on just one of you incredible gifts to humanity. As long as you practice those DD principles, it will become very clear as to who is open to finding a committed relationship, and who wants, well…to keep hunting.

By: Christian Anderson

I love the interactivity of Facebook. Yesterday I received a great question via a comment I made regarding “dating with dignity.” The person replied to my comment, in frustration I can surmise, wondering why dating has to be so complicated. She wrote further, I don’t get it. “Dating to get Mr. Right,” “Dating Over 40.” Why can’t we just simply “date?”

I love this question, because it is true. Dating isn’t too complicated — especially if you show up without the junk from your past clouding who you are. It is only the thoughts, feelings, patterns, bad break-ups, anger and resentments, expectations, and the myths created by the plethora of romantic comedies you watch on the big screen that make dating complicated. That said, it is your responsibility to make sure that when dating seems complicated, that you take time to step back and look at why exactly this may be occurring:

1. Do you have a clear picture of your five relationship deal breakers — the things that you just can’t compromise on regarding his income, charm, looks or the fact that he is kinder than any other man you have dated? Once you are clear on these things, making dating choices becomes a kinder, gentler process.

2. Are you dragging the junk from your past into the present, impacting your future negatively? If you were “left,” “hurt,” (who wasn’t, right?) or want to communicate that you don’t “need a man” because of what happened before, (were you ever accused of being “needy?”) check it at the door. A man deserves that you just date HIM, not him plus the five other men whom you dated in yesteryear.

3. Are you comfortable setting boundaries, ensuring that men you date respect them, and don’t get “dragged under” by their charm, manipulation or sheer fear of not meeting someone else when you assert yourself and make sure your boundaries are kept? It is the fear that “this the best I can get,” that can make dating complicated.  When you are disconnected from honoring the still small voice inside, it makes dating complicated, steering you further away from the right road for you.

4.  Are the “Limiting Beliefs” you have regarding dating in check?  For example, do you think it is harder to date successfully in your town because of your age, baggage, wrinkles, size or history?  If so, then it is this very thought can make dating complicated.  These limiting beliefs can cause you to analyze, over-think, wonder what “he’s thinking,” and make excuses when, in fact, the truth is that when you are AUTHENTIC, compassionate, kind, clear and refrain from playing games you will attract the best match for you into your life like a MAGNET.  And when this happens, dating is rarely too complicated.

This newest guest post by Matthew Hussey of Get the Guy tells you five sure-fire ways to attract a man and keep him interested! For the woman who is wondering: what are the easiest ways to attract men, and make him want to commit to you for the long-term?

It’s all well and good knowing how to get a date with a guy, but if you don’t know how to maintain that attraction for months to come then you’ll quickly lose his interest.

So with that in mind, here are 5 guaranteed secrets to attracting men when you’re in a relationship:

1. Keep your lifestyle!

The most needy thing a woman can do is drop all of her friends and hobbies as soon as she gets into a relationship. Soon enough, she’s spending all of her time with her man and losing all of the things that made him attracted to her in the first place.

Men love women who have a varied lifestyle that they are proud of, with their own pursuits and ambitions. If you give these things up for a man, you might think that it communicates devotion to the relationship, but actually it indicates neediness.

2. Little treats along the way

Relationships require give and take on both sides. They often lose that spark of attraction when each partner just stops trying to please each other.

That’s why one of the easiest ways to attract men in a relationship is to give little treats along the way.

If he’s feeling exhausted one night, light some candles and give him a massage. We can all become self-involved in relationships; all you need is to show you’re thinking about his needs too!

It can be as small as a cup of tea and a croissant in bed on a Sunday morning.

3. Satisfy his need for VARIETY

Predictability can be the death of relationships. It’s so easy for couples to slip into routine and spend every Saturday sitting indoors watching X Factor instead of doing new things together.

Spontaneity and variety are the secrets to attracting men and keeping them interested. A guy wants to think that there is always more of you to come; more surprises, more fun, more adventure.

So if you never go to the theatre, book tickets for next month. Or surprise him with a long weekend in the country with just the two of you.

Just keep dating like you were in the early stages of the relationship. When you keep trying to impress each other, things never get boring!

4. Make him feel needed

Now although we talked about not being needy, it’s still important that your man feels like you need him in some respect.

If you act indifferent to him or as if you don’t need anything from him, he’ll start to feel emasculated, and this is the kind of behaviour that leads guys to cheat or look elsewhere for women who make him feel validated as a man.

5. Be the one to suggest new things in the bedroom

If you can be everything a man dreamed of in the bedroom, he’ll never fantasise about being single again. One way you can do this is by being the one to take the lead now and then by trying something new (use your imagination with this!).

Guys love variety in the bedroom and keeping sex as something he looks forward to is crucial to maintaining long-term attraction.

If you’re interested in attracting and keeping the guy, while maintaining your independence and power, check out our new fall classes: Breaking Out of Your Romantic Rut and Beyond the Rut.

I get tons of emails from women who tell me that they hate dating, loathe it really, but are putting themselves out there and doing what they know they “should” in order to meet Mr. Right.

In fact, many women hate dating so much that they would rather:

1.  Stay in a bad relationship, (After all, I put in “x” number of months or years thus far) holding tight to the possibility that this guy is better than the other duds they dated so maybe he is “it.” (At Dating With Dignity we call this a man’s “Relative Charm Factor,” e.g, relative to my ex this guy has soooo much charm and potential!)

2.  Convince themselves that they are “ok” being single because they love their job, work a zillion hours anyway, have awesome friends, and enjoy going night after night to the gym or watching “Housewives of Orange County and Project Runway marathons without having to battle over the remote.

3.  Consistently put pressure on themselves and the men they date to determine if he is “the one,” making little ticks in the columns and boxes that live in their minds.  (You know the three columns you keep diligently in your mind’s eye:  KEEPER, WAIT AND SEE IF CHEMISTRY GROWS, and box number three, UGH)

If you find yourself going to galleries, meetup.com gatherings, online dating feverishly, or battling with yourself over whether or not to actually go out on Saturday night with your friends to the upscale hotel bar, yet seem to have ZERO luck meeting men, or attracting men you actually want to date, then it is time to BREAK FREE of your ROMANTIC RUT.  While I would love to have you enroll in my Breaking Free course that begins September 30, 2010, I don’t want you to wait until we start to begin experiencing new results.

In fact, I would love for you to consider making one very powerful shift now that can help you stop being a dating HATER, and begin to increase the chances that you actually get results from your efforts — without having to lose 10 pounds, shop, or re-write your profile.  Here’s the deal:

Ask yourself this very critical question?

What would dating look like if I became attached to the process, instead of the outcome?

Imagine the freedom you would enjoy.

Seriously, stop reading for a moment, close your eyes and consider what it feels like in your body and mind to become attached to the process of dating.  Imagine attaching to the possibility that every single opportunity, bad date, fight, break-up, first date, and even the laugh you might share about it all with your friends (versus the “I can’t believe that guy lied about being bald” conversation you might usually have peppered with sarcasm, anger, judgement and fury that ultimately leads to feelings of despair and wanting to give up.) is IT.  This stuff is JUST as IMPORTANT as finding “him.” It is, after all, part of the texture and journey of your very special, one-of-a-kind magical life!

After my horrible breakup I knew that if I continued to put the emphasis on getting the result I thought was best, I would ultimately make very bad decisions that would keep me stuck in the romantic rut I had been repeating for most of my dating life.  And so I made a shift.  I decided to do four  things that changed everything:

1.  I would create a life I loved, with our without a partner, and ultimately  fall passionately in love with ME!

2.  I would choose to have fun dating, seeing the opportunity in EVERY single date, break-up or frustration.  (including one of my favorite “worsts” with the Will Ferrel look-alike who showed up sporting fake blond Billy Idol hair and wife beater t-shirt, leaving me to wonder if he had stepped right out of a Saturday Night Live comedic sketch.)

3.  I would turn inward regularly through coaching and therapy to figure out why I was unconsciously attracting each and every man, including the Hunters, Boy Toys, Will Ferrell types, and even the tons of Mr. Quality Casuals who started to show up after I began to change and blossom nearly 5 years into my dating journey.

4.  I became a courageous “Intentional Dater,” making all my choices consciously.  (even the “less healthy” bad ones)

Once I was able to be present in the process of dating and practicing these principles consistently, I let go of wanting a certain result.  Sure, I was disappointed, angry and sometimes even very sad.  Yet,  I was able to manage my fears. (notice I didn’t say get rid of my fears!)  I became brave, exploring the depths of all my emotions for the very first time.  And ultimately, after going through the same 10 Step Process I teach to my clients, I was ready to attract a man who was capable of having an inter-dependent, loving relationship.

There you have it.

Don’t be a Hater.  Join us here in the thriving community of Dignity Daters who are braving the battles, laughing boldly at the silliness of inner demons, busting free of romantic ruts, and being fully present in the experiences of dating.  The results are, in fact, astounding!  :)