I loved my “Ask the Expert” Call last night with Dating Coach, Evan Mark Katz! The call was jam packed with information on why men vanish, and as a result we received hundreds of questions pertaining to this important question. Before I dig into answering a big one, click here to listen to the recording of this one hour call.
Okay, now that you have clicked and downloaded, grab a coffee, Diet Coke or Crystal Light (my personal favorite this week) and let’s examine a huge question I often receive regarding the good stuff; particularly “I met an amazing guy” Syndrome! In preparation for the call last night we received a number of questions asking how to prevent yourself from geting “too excited” when you feel an amazing connection with someone after the first or second date. You’ve experienced this before, right? The feelings you have when you know he is head and shoulders better than anyone you have ever met before, and you hear yourself telling your girlfriends that there is NObody who has given you butterflies like this in years. The belief (already!) that this man has everything you have EVER wanted in a partner.
It feels incredible. It’s like taking a bite of chocolate, or the refreshing, first taste of ice cream as it slides down the back of your throat on a hot summer day. So then, how do you relish these delicious feelings without getting too attached to the destination — the belief that this guy is or could be “THE ONE!” The truth is that if you begin to have this energy immediately, and it leaks while you are with Mr. Wonderful on the first 3-6 dates, he will most likely be able to smell it on you like cheap vanilla perfume, and consequently he may then VANISH!
ALERT! Treat him as merely “one,” rather than “The One!”
Men don’t want to be “The One,” after date 1, 2 or even 5. They need time. As I have heard my dear colleague and friend, Mat Boggs, often say, “Men are NOT hairy women.” They don’t think like us. They don’t process like us. And most often, while they may think you are incredible, beautiful and HOT, most likely they do not decide you are the ONE in the same manner as you may choose them.
That said, how do you then enjoy and relish the POSSIBILITY that this man could be someone you want to get to know better without “wrecking it,” or trying to protect yourself from getting disappointed or hurt.
1. Ultimately, you may be disappointed, AND that is perfectly ok. Feelings are not bad, especially feelings of sadness or disappointment. Feelings won’t kill you, unless you hold on to them and it manifests into icky victim energy and a lack of confidence. In fact, who is freakin’ happy, ecstatic, butterflies and puppies all the time? It’s not real. As Evan Katz brilliantly said in the ASK the Expert call last night, dating is like baseball. If baseball players had hits and home runs every time at bat, there would be NO game. And, if you expect that EVERY date and every guy should be THE ONE, then you are going to put too much emphasis on each date. At Dating With Dignity we teach clients that your partner is not the “ice cream” in your life. YOU, ladies, are the ice cream and in finding a partner you hope to find the most incredible hot fudge, sprinkles and whipped cream.
2. Get excited, and pace the dating process appropriately. This means don’t put him up on a pedestal and decide he is “everything” until he has CONSISTENTLY shown you who he truly is through his actions OVER TIME. And, when I tell you to do this “over time,” I don’t mean one or even three weeks. I am talking two months — 3 months down the road. How is he showing up six months down the line when he feels that perhaps he has “caught” you and the relationship has settled into some sort of routine? Remember, your job is to consistently collect data about this person’s values, their interests and who they TRULY are once you step outside the “LOVE BUBBLE!”
3. HAVE FUN! I call it “Data Dating” and it is the 10th Step of my “Process to Manifesting Love of Self and Others.” Not only are you learning about him when you are Data Dating, but you are also HAVING FUN! Experience each date without the judgement of asking yourself whether he is it, or NOT it. Move away from “black and white” thinking to be present in each moment. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy him. And, if it is not a match, be willing to simply move on — without drama — to have another turn “at bat” with someone else.
Sign up for our free Master Class on Why Men Disappear: Is It Something You Did? And How You Can Be the Woman Men Find Irresistible.”