Is he the one? Will he be able to “get” me?
He just said he plays video games, OH NO! Is his age going to be a problem?
He’s an artist. That could mean he won’t make much money; how will he support kids?
Why did he just talk to the waiter that way? He doesn’t eat meat-that could be an issue.
I better ask some more questions to find out if he could be the one.
Will I ever meet the one?
We rain these questions upon ourselves during the dating process. Sometimes we walk into these dates with so much anticipation or inquiry about the future, that we forget to be present in the moment…the experience. Granted, we all have our non-negotiables that we would rather not stray from, but if we marry ourselves to the “bullet points” of what might make a strong mate, and enter the dates with the specific intention of “interviewing” the men we are with, then we lose the experience, the development, and the self growth that happens in the moments of dating.
Somewhere along the way, dating became a search for “The One.” The glorious fun experience of the date became a pressure cooker — “the interview” or “the audition.” Don’t get me wrong, dating can lead us to a life-long partner. Absolutely. But it is also a stomping ground to learn more about ourselves; about how other people tick, about companionship, and definitely a place to have fun sharing experiences with someone else. These potential experiences of growth and excitement are hijacked when we turn a date into a Where’s Waldo episode — you know, there is the “Where is My Life Long Lover Before My Biological Clock Explodes,” episode or the “I’m Going to Die Alone So He Better Turn Up Soon” episode. The problem with these interview dates is, first: we lose the fun and enjoyment of dating, second: we are in our head and not in the moment and miss valuable experiences, and finally: we are not at our most attractive state since the other person can usually sniff out the heat seeking relationship missile and will then retreat.
This is especially true for men. We have a whole homeland security office set up for the “Could You Be My Potential Husband” missile and so when that alarm sounds, we abort the mission and run back to base. You might think you are being sly by asking on a first or second date, “So…where do you want to be in five years? I’m always fascinated by people’s goals.” Oh no, we know darn well that you are trying to see if we are not some deadbeat schmuck who is going to turn out to be a vagabond and penniless later down the road. And no man likes to be put on the stand. Our father can check us on our ability to be a provider and that‘s about it.
Here is the skinny: DATING IS NOT ABOUT FINDING MR. RIGHT. IT IS ABOUT GROWTH, BEING IN THE MOMENT AND HAVING EXPERIENCES. The more you can focus on being in the moment and learning about yourself and others, the more you will be out of your head and, as a result, be the attractive, open, and curious woman that you are. Ultimately, it is this approach that will take you one step closer to being ready for a substantial relationship. Dating is key to our growth as individuals and as potentials mates as well. We learn about our own idiosyncrasies, about others’ idiosyncrasies, how we mesh with others, how we don’t mesh with others, how certain we are about our values, where we are willing to negotiate, and finally, the beauty and difficulty in sharing our life and space with others. This is where true growth happens and why every major spiritual guru that trod this earth said that enlightenment not only happens in the silence of the divine, but also in the community of others.
Get out there and go learn. Go experience. Stay in the moment. Date as many people as you like and learn as much as you can. This is exciting…there will be a time when you will not have all these experiences hanging out with men-enjoy it!
The more you look at dating as an exploration of self, other people, and moments, and less as an interview or a hunt for Mr. Right, the faster you will get to where you would like to be.
Stay in the moment. The slower you go, the faster you will get there.
By: Christian Anderson
Click here to read Christian’s bio.