One of the most alluring MANimals in the MANimal Kingdom is Mr. Elusive. He is charming, open, sensitive and seems to know exactly what to say to make your heart melt. In fact, a Mr. Elusive may even initially give you more affection, attention, and declarations regarding your special connection more than any other man you have ever dated. However, he is most likely unable to sustain the pace and may “vanish” or distant. You are not imagining that he goes hot, then cold. It’s true. Here’s why…
The “D-Factor” (Date-Ability Factor) Assessment identifies the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are “leaking” into your dating experiences. In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful you may have stopped dating, can’t get beyond date one, two or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into your life — MANimals who are not relationship-ready!
While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.
As I mentioned to the two clients with whom I did D-Factor Assessment Coaching Debriefs last week, the truth is this: this stuff is unconscious. It’s almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.
The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks! And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.
Let’s put on our imaginary special 3-D MANimal glasses for a few minutes now, and SEE exactly what Mr. Elusive is thinking? What does he truly believe? What are his fears? His hangups? And how his actions are merely reflections of his deep, unconscious thoughts?
The Typical Mr. Elusive “D-Factor”
The Mr. Elusive will most likely have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired may look like this:
1. Mr. Elusive lives in a cycle in which he is consistently varies between anger and victimhood. While he may not direct his anger at you, he is filled with self-doubt, guilt and blame. If you are a woman who is highly motivated by “winning,” or trying to capture a Mr. Elusive, you will be magnetized him as your “need to win” is on the same vibrational frequency as his self-directed anger and guilt. Often, Mr. Elusive becomes burned out by relationship or dating, which is why he will disappear. Frustrated by his inability to maintain the pacing he initiated, he will ultimately blame you, feel guilt, and disappear. Mr. Elusive typically has poor conflict resolution skills, which is why he will simply vanish instead of create an opportunity to explore his feelings, the relationship, or how to get his needs met.
Mr. Elusive won’t commit, rationalizes his choices and often battles feelings of guilt. He may truly care about you, but is unable to cope, manage or create win-win relationships. Instead of communicating his fears or changing his behaviors, he will often blame you, and then feel guilty that he can’t give you what you need. He often will avoid confrontation, take everything personally, and often will feel as if he is being persecuted for his and other’s mistakes. He will typically keep his feelings and opinions to himself, except for when he is blaming you. In addition, Mr. Elusive can quickly fall into co-dependent relationships yet views women and relationships as “dangerous.” Often, he feels like his way of living, beliefs, and behaviors are not “fit” to exist within the confines of a relationship. In fact, deep below the surface, Mr. Elusive truly fears that he is not deserving of love, so will often sabotage relationships, feeling he is not capable of having one.
2. Core thoughts of the Mr. Elusive can include…
“Life is futile. Sigh….”
“Why bother, it will only lead to failure.”
“Everyone is after me. It’s my fault. I am pitiful”
“I’m not capable; failure follows me everythere I go.”
“What I can’t see can’t hurt me.”
“I’m in control and know how to play the game”
“I’m sure I can convince her to see it my way”
“The past is not important; let’s live for today (said, but not believed)”
3. In addition to his self-doubt and feeling he is not capable, he refuses to open up fully. As a result, he will attract women who thrive on self-doubt (internal conflict) and the need to “win.” As a result of his feelings he will engage in arguments, unable to trust women or his ability to be a “good” partner.
What is Your D-Factor? Are You At Risk of Attracting a Mr. Elusive?
Women who have D-Factors results which reveal predominate victim or conflict energy, resulting in internal conflict such as self-doubt, guilt, jealousy, resentment or feeling that the relationship is not working because they are not “enough” or are ” broken.” In addition, because their secondary default tendency is to be a care taker, she is drawn towards the desire to fix or change Mr. Elusive and wants to the the “ONE” to pull him out of his guilt and/or victim thinking. As this magnetic energetic pull is mostly unconscious, women with high levels of victim and care-taking energy may become caught in an endless rut of trying to make Mr. Elusive see that “she is different,” and that with the “right” person he can be successful in relationships. Often, though, she will feel frustrated and “blame” when she is not successful.
How to Repel Mr. Elusive
1. Ensure that your primary source of validation does NOT come from fixing, helping or “changing” another person. Learn how to self-soothe, and adopt an attitude of “detached involvement,” in which you show empathy and compassion for him, yet do not give up your needs in order to meet his.
2. When he engages in conflict, do not participate. Respond with neutral comments. Acknowledge and validate his feelings, and then give him room to self soothe. Ensure that you have boundaries, and if his “hot/cold” does not meet your needs, express what it is you are looking for in a relationship. If it is not a match, do not waste time or energy hoping he will change. He won’t.
3. Don’t manipulate him by playing “victim” to get attention, or lure him back.
4. BELIEVE him when he tells you is not suitable for a relationship, or gives you any version of “the disclaimer.” He will tell you that he can’t be changed, and this is true until he is willing to see how change might enhance his life.
If you are interested to know your “D-Factor” to see which MANimal you are most likely to attract, understand the science behind it, and hear how knowing her “D-Factor” impacted one of my clients, be sure to visit our new D-Factor information page to find out more!
Epilogue…. One of Dating With Dignity’s favorite “Mr. Elusive” Manelists recently decided to take the D-Factor himself, tired of the results he was getting as Mr. Elusive. After taking the D-Factor and then diving into some powerful coaching, I am happy to report that Mr. Elusive is heading towards a relationship with the woman he began seeing post-coaching. I believe we have a new Mr. Boyfriend Material amongst us. We will keep you posted!