Dating With Dignity

Casual Sex. It seems to be a right of passage for many women. We are proud that we can finally have guilt-free, no-strings-attached sex with friends, or near strangers. And, for the most part, there really is nothing wrong with it, as long as everything is safe and protected, and you’re being honest about truly wanting a casual, noncommittal setup.

So where do the problems arise? When you start wanting more.

Once you’ve been used to living in a world of hook ups and pseudo intimacy, it can be hard to make the transition into land o’ love with Mr. Boyfriend Material. And, we have to be honest, your chances of reforming anyone in your current booty call line up are slim to none.

This means that you have to start over fresh. At Dating With Dignity, we believe in order to get different results you have to do things differently. Your old ways aren’t going to cut it anymore and, as with any change in behavior or habit, it’s going to be hard and you can expect to be tempted back into your old ways from time to time.

Luckily, we’ve compiled some tips to make it easier for you to stay on track towards your very own happily ever after:

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Believe it or not, this is a popular question at Dating With Dignity!  The truth is, many successful, independent women get pegged as being “bitches” when they get into conflict with others, especially at work.  Perhaps we are triggered because the person we are with is being condescending, rude, impatient or darn right mean.  In any case, the challenge becomes not getting entrenched into the lower, negative energy of the person with whom we are dealing because we want to “win,” or be perceived as being “right.”

In some instances, however, this can be exceptionally challenging.  Especially when, in most cases, you are right!  Perhaps the person has just contradicted himself, or maybe there is something that has happened over which you had no control, but he did.  Either way, we are more likely  to stand in our strength and radiate powerful femininity if we learn how to create a “winning” resolution rather than bust our guts trying to prove our “right-ness.”  In fact, one of the most powerful beliefs that can bring down your energy and, for that matter, your Date-ability Factor, is the need to always be right.

That said, how do you stand in your power and strength without having to use your masculine competitive energy to prove a point?  Here are a few important tips and techniques you can apply immediately:

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Last night I did it.  I uttered the words I hardly ever say anymore.

I said, “it’s fine,” to The Brit.”

And be sure, in the moment, I had decided that The Brit — with man with whom I am in relationship — had exhibited behavior that in my opinion wasn’t fine (please note that my opinion, at the time, had been made from a place of being sleep deprived, hungry and frustrated!)  I was so tired, in fact, that I didn’t have any spunk left to create a “win-win” conversation.  I couldn’t pull myself into “grown up” mode.  Instead, I simply plummeted right into my one of my oldest default reactions — victim and conflict.

Ugh.

I could barely stand hearing the words as I said them.  I  hurriedly looked down, avoiding the Brit’s eyes, and grabbed my keys, heading over to watch American Idol with my kids at their dad’s home.

The good news is I decided not to stew about it.  I put aside my woes, fully engaging in the victory of Idol favorites Le Dewyze and Crystal Bowersox.  I sang with my kids, admired the moves of Justin Bieber declaring to my kids, “this kid is the new “Donny Osmond,” to which they responded, “Who?”  We munched fat free popcorn on the couch.  Danced.  I felt good, happy, until I  shut the door behind me, and began the five minute drive back to my home.

Sitting in the driver’s seat, waiting at the stop sign nearest my house, I realized I had landed  smack dab in the middle of what I call a “choice point.”  I could continue to stay in “it’s fine” mode, or pull myself out of it. Create a win-win.  Have a positive conversation in which I acknowledge the Brit’s feelings, state my needs, and create a solution in which we both are feeling loved, respected and joyous.

Hmmm.

Easier to say then do, even when you are a coach, and professional communicator.

Arriving home I saw the Brit outside the house, where he had just finished taking a walk.  I got out of my car, waiting to see if the effects of my “it’s fine”  had lingered in his pysche.  As I rounded the hood of the car, making my way towards the sidewalk, The Brit held out his arms, inviting me in to feel unconditional love.

I wish I could tell you that at this point violins played, butterflies flitted in the night sky and angels sang.  However, despite his loving embrace, the truth is I was still exhausted.  In fact, my “it’s fine,” had now become somewhat stuck in my throat.  I didn’t have the words to discuss my feelings, so I simply went upstairs to get in bed, visibly still disturbed.  I didn’t speak much as we lay in bed, yet the Brit continued to love and support me, wrapping his arms around me quietly.  He didn’t “make me talk,” in that moment, and, he didn’t pull away to punish me.  He let me be, until I was ready to CHOOSE to take responsibility for the thoughts of my inner critic, self soothe, and somehow find sleep.

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As many of you know, DWD has been in Portland for the past week on a speaking tour. While we were there we were given the opportunity to host one of our incredible MANimal events. It was an amazing night and we were able to meet and connect with some really wonderful women. We had a great man panel, and everyone in attendance was truly present and eager to learn and share. One of the more memorable moments of the evening actually occurred when the conversation took an unexpectedly controversial turn at the presence of this particular question from our audience:

Should the woman offer to pay on a date?

This is a question that always works its way into our MANimal events. Women want to know what is expected of them, financially speaking, on the first few dates. In LA, the answer is always an emphatic “NO.” The men don’t want you to pay, they don’t want you to offer to pay, and they don’t want you to pretend that you want to pay. They aren’t into the fake purse grab, and they all are in agreement that they are turned off if a woman insists on paying.

Given the vigor and finality with which our LA men always answer this question, we were fairly confident that our Portland manelists would answer similarly.

So, you can imagine our surprise when our Portland men offered up a unanimous “YES” in response to the question. Apparently, while the men in Portland don’t necessarily want you to pay, they absolutely want you to offer. One gentleman admitted he actually finds it mildly insulting when a woman expects him to pay.

We can see how this geographical discrepancy could lead to some confusion for the die-hard Dating With Dignity gal.

Luckily, DWD has an especially brave woman who decided to give the fake purse grab a whirl in real life, and let us know how it worked out. This woman, we’ll call her Macy, went on a date with Portland Paul, a guy she’d been out with a couple of times. They were still very casual, and taking their time getting to know one another. At the end of the date, she offered to pay, and he let her. She was kind of surprised, less than enthused, and probably won’t be seeing him again. And, while this wasn’t the only factor contributing to the premature ending of this particular romance, it didn’t help matters much.

The moral of the story? Portland Paul probably enjoyed that Macy offered to pay. Portland Paul probably even enjoyed that Macy ended up paying. But Portland Paul will not be enjoying Macy’s company any longer, which, we can be fairly certain, was not his intention.

So, while there appears to be an inconsistency in how men feel about the dinner date payment plans, a few things remain true whether you’re in Portland, LA, or anywhere else where people go out to dinner:

1. If you are going to offer to pay, you have to really want it. No matter what Portland Paul says, do not do the fake purse grab. It’s insulting to everyone involved.

2. If you really want to pay in the beginning of a new relationship, and he really lets you, be prepared for how you might feel about it.

3. And finally, to keep things clean, don’t offer to pay on the first few dates, even if you really mean it. Let him be the man, and practice receiving. It’ll make you both feel good, we promise.

By: Angelica Martin

The truth is this, the man (or woman) who you dream of — the one who makes your heart pitter patter, the guy who is still interested weeks later, even though you haven’t had sex, the one who calls the next day, instead of vanishing after telling you he hasn’t had this much fun in years — this guy, will not randomly end up talking to YOU at Starbucks today. Unless, that is, you have done some serious work to prepare yourself for his (or her) arrival.

That said, I hear women and men consistently tell me they are, “ready for a relationship.”  In fact, I said it myself for three years.  I told myself, friends, and family that I was really enjoying myself, having fun dating, but if the “right” guy showed up, I would totally be “open to a relationship.”

Heard that somewhere before?

The truth is, I wasn’t ready.  Not even close.  Here were the signs:

1.  I kept meeting the “wrong” guys. Let’s see, they were nice, good-looking but not wanting to make a commitment.  They were super hot, but too young, too focused on their career or super not interested in dating a divorcee with three kids.  Or, they were really nice but I wasn’t attracted to them for a myriad of reasons.  I went speed dating.  Online dating.  I had a blind date with Chuckie, who my friend’s friend said was  ”successful and amazing.” What she didn’t tell me was that Chuckie would reveal somewhere between the appetizers and entree that he  ”felt sorry” for the stripper he had been recently dating so he gave her $10,000, to help her “get back on her feet.”  Needless to say, Chuckie was not a match.  I met the 43 year old hot  guy (At Starbucks, actually)  who had a foot fetish, which only became clear to me when on our 2nd date he wanted to see my closet.  It wasn’t until I broke it off with the the nice teacher guy  I dated for three months who happened to conveniently live 400 miles away that I realized I was just not ready.  Then, the question became why.

2.  I was really enjoying my independence, something I had never experienced before, and it had become very, very safe. I had been married at 22 years old, a wife for 17 years, and had never before lived independently.  And now, I truly enjoyed being in control of my life, my children, my travel plans, the remote control, my weekends and my bedroom.  I enjoyed deciding when I would exercise. When I would see friends.  And when I would hit an evening yoga class, eat cereal, and watch 10 episodes in a row of “How I Met Your Mother.”  I remembered hearing a friend of mine tell someone she was spending her weekend sans kids traveling to her boyfriend’s parents home on the East Coast to attend a Bar Mitzvah.  I thought, “Holy cow.  This is the last thing I would ever want to do with my weekend.  ick. bleck.  ugh.”  I was not ready.

3.  I began to wonder if I enjoyed my freedom, or was just terrified of losing it.Because I had never before had an interdependent relationship, I began to fear that  it wasn’t that I enjoyed my independence, but that I was mostly afraid of losing it.  I didn’t know if I could mesh “my” life with the life of another person.  I didn’t know if I could still feel strong, secure and love myself if there were a man in my life to shlep the suitcases up the stairs or pump my gas.  I wanted a relationship, or so  I thought, but at what cost to me?  Clearly,  I wasn’t ready.

And then, suddenly, I became ready.

When my mother died it hit me.  Suddenly, I knew the truth.  She had been married to my father for 45 years.   I knew then that although hooking up with hot guys had been fun, and quite frankly developmentally appropriate for a divorcee who married at 22, and that it had been quite empowering to take my three daughters camping in the wilderness solo, this was the ultimate truth; I didn’t want to leave this planet without experiencing these things:

1. true, unconditional love
2. intimacy
3. becoming truly empowered by my vulnerability, and
4. what it would be like to participate in an interdependent partnership.

“Yikes,” I thought.  ”This is a tall order.”   Then I remembered the vision I had created for my life.  A vision I had been working on diligently since December, 2006 when I did the Hoffman Process.  I remembered how hard I had worked to become authentic, real and independent.  And I knew, that the relationship I had with built myself was now secure.  Safe.  I knew that it was now my time to become ready.

What I learned that becoming ready to be in a relationship was a process.  Hard work.  It was a time when I had to dig deep, ask for help. Get support.  And become educated.  I beefed up my investment in coaching and therapy. Attended workshops.  Did my homework.    And then, months and months later, when I had cleared my plate, the Dating Fast in full force, I knew I had truly become ready.

It was three weeks later that I met Jem, The Brit.

So then, are you ready?  Are you willing to go to any lengths–to do the work necessary to become prepared for your Starbucks moment? Join me beginning next week.  We are beginning the next 8-week  session of my proven-successful teleclass, “Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut” on May 20th at 7pm .  Your vision — your relationship –is waiting.  I can’t wait to be part of your journey!

We received a variety of amazing questions last week from the 40 women in attendence during the MAN Panel event in Los Angeles. And, as many of you are unable to attend because you live in lands near and far, I wanted to take time today to share some of the answers that were given during the live event.

With that, please note that these are brief summaries of lengthy answers. The good news is that we recorded this amazing 2 ½ hour workshop and it will soon be available as a DVD you can purchase and download! If you are interested in taking advantage of the pre-production sale price ($19.99) please shoot me an email at marni@datingwithdignity.com and we will make arrangements to get it to you FIRST. Of course, once the video is complete it will be available for purchase on the site.

Ok, now on to your questions and answers…

Can you convert or change a man into one of the higher evolved MANimals? If you decide to give it a try, are you merely being “co-dependent?”

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