Here is the scoop on this week’s Question at Dating With Dignity: How do I establish boundaries and express my needs without causing my guy to “run off,” or think I am too high maintenance?
Ok, the truth is this: Time isn’t “running out,” but I invite you to act like it is, because often we only act when we think there is an immediate consequence.
The consequence is this: The longer you play it “cool,” the longer you are allowing yourself to spend time dating men who aren’t looking for what you want — a relationship.
Ultimately, it is your responsibility to decide when your needs are as important as having a date, receiving text messages, or being the one “chosen” for occasional girlfriend privileges. In fact, in order to attract Mr. Boyfriend Material, it is imperative that you become aware of your needs, set expectations, and hold men to the boundaries you set. Why? Because the truth is that men who are ready for a relationship are looking for a woman who is confident, aware of what she “wants,” and isn’t afraid to communicate these needs. (using respectful, appropriate, and kind communication, of course).
Here are a sample of expectations and needs I have approved as “appropriate.” Try them on, then create your own list, noticing how it feels when you imagine yourself actually letting go of a man who doesn’t meet your needs.
1. He follows through on his promise to call, text or be somewhere.
2. He arrives on time, most always.
3. He respects your boundaries, and doesn’t respond to your request/belief with a statement or question that is condescending or sarcastic.
4. He doesn’t “disappear,” for longer than 72 hours without communicating. (this assumes he has been consistently communicating with you daily prior to the disappearance)
5. He willingly makes time for you, instead of merely “fitting you in” between his priorities.
6. When you communicate your fears, needs or concerns, he doesn’t throw it back at you, saying something like, “you are too needy, too insecure etc…
Remember, if you are hearing a nagging voice inside after reading this list that is telling you this sounds like someone you are dating, don’t brush it off. Dig deep into why you might be willing to accept this relationship. Are you, in fact, settling because you don’t feel worthy? Are you afraid that “something” is better than nothing? Are you worried that he will think you are too high maintenance, and leave the relationship?
Romantic ruts thrive on the push/pull women experience when they are accepting these behaviors from the men they date. Even though it doesn’t feel good, many women choose to discount their needs and try to rationalize, intellectualize or cope in order to stay in the relationship.
Don’t do it. Why? Because the longer you accept “the crap,” the further you are from being with a man who respects and loves you unconditionally.
If you want to know the “why” behind your romantic rut, make sure to check out the “D-Factor Assessment” today. In just one hour, I will reveal exactly why you continue to ignore the “still, small voice” inside, and are still attracted to men who are NOT the total package you deserve.