Dating With Dignity

As part of the research I am doing in preparation for “Identifying the Men In The MANimal Species” workshop on May 6th in Los Angeles, I have been playing detective, and truly getting into the mix of the WHO behind each of the MANimal species. As part of my work I am consistently assessing the “D-Factor” (Date-Ability Factor) of my clients to identify the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are “leaking” into their dating experiences.  In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful they have stopped dating, can’t get beyond date one, two or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into their lives — MANimals who are not relationship-ready!

While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.

The truth is this:  this stuff is unconscious.  It’s almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.

Guess what?  The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks!  And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if you had special 3-D MANimal glasses that enabled you to SEE exactly what each MANimal is thinking?  What he truly believes?  His fears?  His hangups?  And why his actions are merely reflections of these deep, unconscious thoughts?

Now, for the first time, I am revealing the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” (TFB) of each MANimal.  Today, we will begin with a close look at “The Hunter.”

The  Typical Hunter “D-Factor”

The Hunter will most likely  have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default  tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired make look like this:

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Remember that movie “Click,” where Adam Sandler just clicks a remote to get to the future or go back in time to do something over, differently?

I often think that is what we wish could happen –

That we could just click a remote and end up in the life we want to have after we did the difficult “work” and made the tough choices.

When the inner voice is telling us to make a change, do something differently, let go of a relationship that isn’t working, or stop hiding behind the comfort and safety of the familiar, we must look at why we are consistently taking the path of least resistance.  We become so used to doing things one way, that we forget there are other options.

Here are a few questions to gauge if you are ready to begin shifting your behaviors and patterns to get better, different results:

1. What are the habits and patterns that appear most frequently in your life? For example, do you procrastinate?  Are you always worrying what people will think?  Do you stay small, and not make your needs known? Or, do you speak out without thinking first?  Make a list of the habits and patterns that appear most frequently when it comes to dating and relationships now to begin creating awareness of what is stopping you from living the life you dream of having.

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I have been diving into the power of social media this week, and as a result have been unusually aware of how many times my clients mention Facebook when we are working together in a session.  Typically, the comments sound something like this:

“I can’t believe he posted that on his status report, and didn’t tell me about it first.”

“I think he is dating someone else! That picture I saw of him next to the blonde  (I was just looking at the pics he posted on his page…not stalking…just looking)  seems like more than “just friends” to me.”

“He told me he was busy with a work thing, but his status update said he went to the movies.”

“He must be a player.  His pics are always taken with women who have wine glasses in their hands.”

Sound familiar?

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Two University of Delaware professors tested the effect jealousy can have on women.  The result?  You truly can be blinded by jealousy.

Heterosexual couples were asked to sit at separate computers, and rate the attractiveness of pictures of landscapes.  Halfway through the experiment, it was announced that the men were going to be rating the attractiveness of single women.  The professors found that the women who felt the most jealous by their partner’s new task became so distracted that they were unable to spot and report on targets right in front of their eyes.  The study authors say these findings demonstrate that social emotions can literally affect what people see.

This can explain that dizzying wave of distraction that has a tendency to wash over us when someone we are dating, or interested in, ogles an attractive woman on the street, and why jealousy is responsible for the demise of so many relationships.  The truth is, while some jealousy is normal, there is very little room for excessive envy in a healthy relationship.  This is especially true when you are just beginning to date someone.  Premature jealousy can put the brakes on an up and coming relationship, and can be a high-flying red flag for many men.  Additionally, jealousy isn’t the most pleasant emotion to experience, and can blind you to how great your man may be.

Luckily, there are many things you can do to keep the green-eyed monster under wraps:

1.  I know it’s cliche, but you really have to love yourself.  Insecurity breeds jealousy.  If you are insecure with yourself, or your value, it’s important to take the appropriate steps towards raising your self esteem.  Dating With Dignity offers a number of ways you can take care of yourself, and raise your self-confidence.

2.  Make sure you aren’t bringing past negative experiences into the present.  For example: An ex-boyfriend might have cheated on you, causing you to feel jealousy more quickly than is appropriate.  When jealous emotions surface, make sure you are living in the present, and responding–not reacting–to your current situation.

3.  When you feel the blinding jealousy about to take over your consciousness, stop it in it’s tracks.  Ask yourself if what you are feeling is TRUE of this moment, or if you are responding to something else (for example, insecurity).  Remember that jealousy is most often a triggered response, and easily talked down once you figure out its source.

The above tips are a starting point on which to begin to get your jealousy under control, and prevent it from blinding you to reality.  They may seem hard, but with practice you will be well on your way to seeing things clearly, and living in confidence.

Here is the scoop on this week’s Question at Dating With Dignity: How do I establish boundaries and express my needs without causing my guy to “run off,” or think I am too high maintenance?

Ok, the truth is this:  Time isn’t “running out,” but I invite you to act like it is, because often we only act when we think there is an immediate consequence.

The consequence is this:  The longer you play it “cool,” the longer you are allowing yourself to spend time dating men who aren’t looking for what you want — a relationship.

Ultimately, it is your responsibility to decide when your needs are as important as having a date, receiving text messages, or being the one “chosen” for occasional girlfriend privileges.  In fact, in order to attract Mr. Boyfriend Material, it is imperative that you become aware of your needs, set expectations, and hold  men to the boundaries you set.  Why?  Because the truth is that men who are ready for a relationship are looking for a woman who is confident, aware of what she “wants,” and isn’t afraid to communicate these needs. (using respectful, appropriate, and kind communication, of course).

Here are a sample of expectations and needs I have approved as “appropriate.”  Try them on, then create your own list, noticing how it feels when you imagine yourself actually letting go of a man who doesn’t meet your needs.

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