Thank you dating coach extraordinaire Marni for helping me classify myself into a dating corner. I do love being categorized 🙂
I’m a freakin’ “Nice Girl.” I am way, repeat, WAY, too nice to men. I don’t mean that I have come to the realization that I should quit being a good human, it’s just not necessary to give so much room to a guy who doesn’t deserve it. I believe my niceness must come from wanting everyone to like me. Even if I don’t like the other person, I have an innate need for them to want to be friends with me, date me, be me. Although this is hard to admit, it’s true.
This epiphany all started with a date the other night. A guy we can call “crumbs,” who I met at a party last summer, texted me out of the clear blue sky. He asked what I was doing that night, and implied that he wanted to hang out. And by that I mean, he did not actually ask me out. This is what I like to call the “Not Date.” And this is where the trouble began.
I have been in what I like to call a “dry spell.” I have had no ambition to go on dates, no desire to go out, and, quite frankly, have not been on any dates recently. So when “crumbs” asked if I wanted to hang out, my attention-starved ears perked up. He first invited himself to my apartment, an idea that I clearly rejected, but ultimately agreed to meet him for a drink. At 1 am. I was bored, attention starved, not tired, and (mistakenly) under the impression this was his only night in town.
First off, a few tips based on my experience here:
1.Beware of this trick; do NOT let men convince you to agree to the not date because of a pressing exit from town!
2. If you are bored, READ A BOOK.
Back to my story:
I arrived at the bar around 12:50 am. My “not date” arrived at 1:15 am. While he is very cute, he is not cute enough for me to be interested in someone who is not all that interesting. We had an “ok” conversation for the remaining 45 minutes that the bar was open. As part of an effort to “data-date” (Step 10 in the Dating With Dignity 10 Step Method to MANifest Love of Self and Others in which I am “collecting data and having fun) I learned “crumbs” seems to be pretty full of himself. In addition, I can tell he is used to getting what he wants (e.g., girls typically fall all over him). When the bill arrived, he simply asked the bartender “how much was my beer?” Mind you, I had ONE cocktail, which I of course had to pay for.
I was completely 100% turned off at that point, and should have gone home right then. While I do not feel that men should always pay for everything, I do however believe if you ask a girl out, you should pay for her drink, especially at the beginning. Especially if you are trying to impress her. It seems as though throughout the entire evening ( or morning) he had been doing the exact opposite.
I was not impressed– yet I somehow let him convince me that we should get food. He just did not make me feel good, and I firmly believe that this is sooo important! I made a comment about his lack of purchasing of my drink ( my disaproval of that, Marni tells me, could have been cleared up much more easily – BY LEAVING). He as it turns out, was mortally offended by my comment, and told me that I should move to the South as I would like the guys there. They are more gentelmanly. Yes, they are, but so are good, boyfriend material guys from ALL different places in the world. As much as I was feeling grossed out, by him, and myself, I felt bad (red flag) that he had driven from orange county, and offered to let him sleep at my apartment. On the couch.
After he left my place the next morning, he started texting me daily. His texts entailed flirty messages, and requests to hang out. I blew him off once by responding three hours later with a “passed out” excuse. I blew him off a second time with the, “I’m out of town,” excuse. That did not work AT ALL. (And, which I later found out, not only was ineffective but not in alignment with my efforts to Date with Dignity) He wrote an additional text message that I did not respond to, and then he followed up with a Facebook message. He was quite persistent, and as I was at my wit’s end, I went to my trusted dating coach and asked her advice. She told me to let him know we were looking for different things and that weren’t a match. He is still writing me back. . .
1. don’t accept the “not date,” ever – this includes drink offers that begin after 10 pm.
2. if a person does something that turns you off 100% ( like not being a gentleman on the first date) leave. immediately.
3. Make sure to be clear ASAP if you are not interested in someone. Otherwise it can drag on. For example, this one 🙂
The Bottom Line: DO not seek attention that is less that what you deserve.
Written by Maya Burkenroad