He's inside!

I recently read an article in which a 41-year old woman, Georgina Merriman, has, at long last, found love and married.  This in and of itself can seem like an impressive feat, given the hopelessness many feel regarding their love lives, but what really excited me was the irony in how her union with this dream man came to be.  You see, for 19 years Georgina has taken the train to and from work each day, and to pass the time she looked for her love online.  Not the type to leave it up to fate, Georgina knew she had to take the reins and control her own destiny if she wanted to find love.  And, while Georgina spent her evenings on the train perusing online dating sites, her future husband sat patiently in the row behind her for almost ONE year.

Finally, Georgina ripped her eyes away from whatever dating site she had been perusing, and her gaze met Mark’s.  The next day he offered her a seat next to him.  A few days after that, they began a full-blown transit-born love affair.

Georgina’s story is not a new one.  This type of love story abounds in novels, movies, or your parent’s relationship, perhaps.  It’s always the same: unsuspecting woman falls in love with least likely candidate–the man sitting patiently–right in front of her face.

The message here is not a hard one.  It’s not that dating sites are bad, or even that you should begin taking the train to work.  Georgina’s story reminds us that, as helpful as dating sites can be in finding a mate, there is simply no replacement for engaging in your life–showing up–in a way you never before considered.

Here are some ways you can do just that, beginning today:

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There is no such thing as “stuck.” As you may know, at Dating With Dignity I often talk about how we get trapped by language. Here’s the good news. Try this on for size:

In truth, “stuck” is the exact, right space for me to be in, because there are lessons to learn RIGHT HERE, right NOW.

Holy wow!  Imagine my surprise when I discovered this concept a few years ago when pondering why I was unsatisfied, afraid, and confused regarding the status of my relationship with Max, a teacher I had been dating for three months from San Francisco.  Freed from thinking I was like a “truck stuck in the muck,” I invited “stuck” to really seep into my consciousness.  I’m not stuck, I decided.  In fact, this is an opportunity to grow.  This is a new place for me.  If I choose to expand; to move towards the “stuck,” I  will ultimately move closer to what I truly want.

Then, I begin to literally envision myself magnetizing new, unknown information — drawing the lessons I needed to learn from this relationship towards myself.  I asked the “still quiet voice” inside for guidance.

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We had our second session of the “Breaking Out Of Your Romantic Rut” course, and this week we focused on “Exploring New Ways of Thinking.”  We looked at effective ways to shift away from the problems, limiting beliefs and negative thinking we identified last week.

 In an effort to create awareness regarding the impact destructive choices we make have on the relationship choices we make, Marni taught us about “Vicious Cycles,” which are the romantic ruts we act out as part of our relationship Hamster Wheel (a dysfunctional relationship rut that has no ultimate end and wreaks havoc on our self-esteem and ability to connect with men deeply).  This exercise enabled me to look at my behaviors and acknowledge the point in each situation at which I have the power to make a choice.  That choice determines whether I stay on the hamster wheel, or get off.  An example:

Angelica’s Hamster Wheel With Max

First Stop: I don’t talk to Max for a while and I feel good.

Second Stop (the point where a decision is made): Max contacts me and I pretend everything is okay and engage him.  It feels good— in the moment.

Third Stop: I hear something about him and another girl, or see something that makes me upset, and it makes me feel like I don’t matter to him, and I grieve for our broken relationship all over again.

Next stop: I don’t talk to Max for a while and I feel good.

 Wash, rinse, repeat. 

 Our homework was to write down four or five additional hamster wheels, and had I not been tired and ready for bed, I could have gone on well into the morning making Wheels.  After seeing these cycles in a variety of different situations, I discovered that I’ve been making the same mistakes for quite some time now.  Who knew?

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It was announced today that Jerry Springer is going to be hosting his own dating show        called Baggage.  On the show, the contestants compete for a chance to win a dream date.  Sounds  harmless enough, right?

Well, here’s the catch: The suitors have to reveal all of their faults and eccentricities to their  potential date, represented by a huge suitcase each player is required to bring onstage.  Among the  first contestants: a shoplifter, a woman addicted to psychics, and a control freak.  ugh.

While the contestants chosen will be examples of extreme types of “baggage”, the show’s central  theme is one that we tackle when coaching someone to Date With Dignity.  For many, someone  else’s “baggage” is considered somewhat of a deal-breaker.  Of course, everyone has some, so the  main question becomes this: Exactly how much crap are you lugging around in that suitcase of yours?  Is it a fanny-pack, with a few broken childhood dreams inside, or an entire set with an accompanying bellhop to help you lug it around?

No matter where you fall on the baggage scale, we’ve compiled some tips to help you lighten the load:

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It’s Q and A Monday, and today I am going to answer one of the most common questions I receive:

Where do I meet “Mr. Right ,” especially when I seem to keep meeting Mr. Right Now

To answer this accurately, I need to fill in some gaps.  First, and foremost, it is imperative that as you begin to date with dignity, you understand that ultimately, the answers to all questions lie within yourself.

Step One:

While it is important to collect data, get ideas, and glean new insights, one of the first steps to discovering the answer within is to engage in a dialogue with a coach or supportive, unbiased friend who can ask you important questions — you know —  questions that make you take pause.  Questions that can’t be answered with “yes,” “no,” or “I don’t know.”  The types of questions that empower YOU to uncover your TRUTH.

Step Two:

Take time in a moment of solitude to direct a specific question towards the still, quiet voice within.  Listen to the voice within, give consideration to the message you receive, and then, act accordingly.  Most often, mistakes are made when we ignore the still, small, voice.  In order to stretch and grow, you must do the “opposite,” of what you typically might do in a situation.  Called “The Constanza,” this is an important piece of the Dating With Dignity “10-Step Process to MANifesting Love of Self and Others,” in which a person is asked to STOP, THINK, and CHOOSE actions that are in alignment with his/her goals.

Step Three:  Getting Back to the Question

So then, where do you meet Mr. Right?  I am always intrigued when people ask me this question, because it is often prefaced with a  tw0-three minute monologue in which they foist a huge pile of Limiting Beliefs, Assumptions, Interpretations and Inner Critic messages at my feet.  They believe, in fact, that their situation is unique. The truth is this:

You can meet Mr. Right anywhere!

If your eyes are open wide, and you are certain that your fears of intimacy, abandonment, losing your independence, or perhaps a fear of being tragically hurt again are NOT blinding you, I can assure you  it is only a matter of time until you see him standing there before you.  My dad met his new wife on JDate.  It was his 2nd date in 45 years. His first was with my mother, who died in 2009. It as a fix-up.  My cousin, Jen, met her husband on Match.com.  They now have five children, two from previous marriages and one daughter together.  I met The Brit through an organization in which I am involved.  A successful relationship coach I collaborate with met her husband in a bar.

Spring is here.  It is a time of renewal.  When you decide where to look for love, begin now to look inside yourself.  Listen to the small voice inside.  Ensure that you are truly ready.  And then enjoy the journey…life, my friends, is at hand.

We had our first class in the 8-Week “Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut” course last week.  All of the women that joined in on the call were really wonderful—and we did a lot of work. While mentally processing all of the information throughout the week, I learned something about myself: I am judgmental.  This isn’t easy to admit, but if I’ve met you, even if only for a minute, I’ve judged you.  And what’s worse, I probably talked about you too.

I’ve always thought of myself as opinionated.  I’ve never had a shortage of opinions and rarely do I hesitate to share them.  If I fear I might hurt the feelings of someone I care about, I absolutely soften my approach and shift from direct and brutal to soft and empathetic.  I’ve actually always considered myself a pretty considerate person in that respect.  Sure, sometimes the truth hurts, but I am just being honest, right?

So, when we were told that for homework we were to keep track of how often we judged others, I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to approach the task.  I honestly didn’t think I judged anyone—I thought I only had opinions.  So I just wrote down whenever I had a thought about someone else, or whenever I talked about someone.

I have to be honest; my list was disgusting.  I judged every single person I came into contact with.  And they weren’t merely opinions–they were cold, harsh judgments–often cruel, and usually completely undeserved.  More often than not their very existence stemmed, not from truth, but from this convoluted, murky place within, comprised of negativity, insecurity, and, for lack of a better word, judgment.

When I inquired about this to some of my oldest friends, they reluctantly admitted that, while I have many strengths, refraining from judgment is not one of them.  So apparently, this has been going on for a while.  One of my closest (and least judgmental) friends reminded me of the time I wrote down a bunch of, what I thought at the time, were opinions in my journal about a guy I was dating, and he read them.  Granted, he shouldn’t have read it to begin with, but we didn’t recover from that, and apparently, I didn’t learn my lesson.  So, as a sort of poetic justice, or something, I’m going to show you three of the judgments I recorded.  Please don’t hate me, break up with me, or worse still—judge me.

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Finally.

Thank you dating coach extraordinaire Marni for helping me classify myself into a dating corner. I do love being categorized

I’m a freakin’ “Nice Girl.”  I am way, repeat, WAY, too nice to men.  I don’t mean that I have come to the realization that I should quit being a good human, it’s just not necessary to give so much room to a guy who doesn’t deserve it. I believe my niceness must come from wanting everyone to like me. Even if I don’t like the other person, I have an innate need for them to want to be friends with me, date me, be me. Although this is hard to admit, it’s true.

This epiphany all started with a date the other night. A guy we can call “crumbs,” who I met at a party last summer, texted me out of the clear blue sky. He asked what I was doing that night, and implied that he wanted to hang out. And by that I mean, he did not actually ask me out. This is what I like to call the “Not Date.” And this is where the trouble began.

I have been in what I like to call a “dry spell.” I have had no ambition to go on dates, no desire to go out, and, quite frankly, have not been on any dates recently. So when “crumbs” asked if I wanted to hang out, my attention-starved ears perked up. He first  invited himself to my apartment, an idea that I clearly rejected, but ultimately agreed to meet him for a drink. At 1 am. I was bored, attention starved, not tired, and (mistakenly) under the impression this was his only night in town.

First off, a few tips based on my experience here:

1.Beware of this trick; do NOT let men convince you to agree to the not date because of a pressing exit from town!

2.  If you are bored, READ A BOOK.

Back to my story:

I arrived at the bar around 12:50 am.  My “not date” arrived at 1:15 am. While he is very cute, he is not cute enough for me to be interested in someone who is not all that interesting. We had an “ok” conversation for the remaining 45 minutes that the bar was open. As part of an effort to “data-date” (Step 10 in the Dating With Dignity 10 Step Method to MANifest Love of Self and Others in which I am “collecting data and having fun) I learned “crumbs” seems to be pretty full of himself.   In addition, I can tell he is used to getting what he wants (e.g.,  girls typically fall all over him). When the bill arrived, he simply asked the bartender “how much was my beer?” Mind you, I had ONE cocktail, which I of course had to pay for.

I was completely 100% turned off at that point, and should have gone home right then. While I do not feel that men should always pay for everything, I do however believe if you ask a girl out, you should pay for her drink, especially at the beginning. Especially if you are trying to impress her.   It seems as though throughout the entire evening ( or morning) he had been doing the exact opposite.

I was not impressed– yet I somehow let him convince me that we should get food. He just did not make me feel good, and I firmly believe that this is sooo important! I made a comment about his lack of purchasing of my drink ( my disaproval of that, Marni tells me, could have been cleared up much more easily – BY LEAVING). He as it turns out, was mortally offended by my comment, and told me that I should move to the South as I would like the guys there. They are more gentelmanly. Yes, they are, but so are good, boyfriend material guys from ALL different places in the world. As much as I was feeling grossed out, by him, and myself, I felt bad (red flag) that he had driven from orange county, and offered to let him sleep at my apartment. On the couch.

After he left my place the next morning, he started  texting me daily.  His texts entailed flirty messages, and requests to hang out. I blew him off once by responding three hours later with a “passed out” excuse. I blew him off a second time with the, “I’m out of town,” excuse. That did not work AT ALL.  (And, which I later found out, not only was ineffective but not in alignment with my efforts to Date with Dignity)  He wrote an additional text message that I did not respond to, and then he followed up with a Facebook message.  He was quite persistent, and as I was at my wit’s end, I went to my trusted dating coach and asked her advice. She told me to let him know we were looking for different things and that weren’t a match. He is still writing me back. . .

VERDICT:
1. don’t accept the “not date,” ever – this includes drink offers that begin after 10 pm.
2. if a person does something that turns you off 100% ( like not being a gentleman on the first date) leave. immediately.
3. Make sure to be clear ASAP if you are not interested in someone. Otherwise it can drag on. For example, this one

The Bottom Line:  DO not seek attention that is less that what you deserve.

Written by Maya Burkenroad