Dating With Dignity

Just when I seemed to forget that there are so many women who have not yet discovered the joy of dating with dignity (a.k.a. “Lost Girls), I get to hear stories from some of my male clients who reveal the behaviors of women on the dating scene in Los Angeles.  While many would be shocked to hear what happens across dinner tables, in apartments, and on the telephone daily, the truth is that is happens every day.  Repeatedly.

I want to take this opportunity to be clear.  If you are guilty of any of the following behaviors, I invite you to STOP immediately.  As they say, “do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.”  Just stop.

Here’s the official “Yikes.  This Sounds Like Me” checklist.  (And in answer to your question, I did NOT make this up!)

1.  You tell the man you are sitting across from, on the first, date that you have “been looking for someone just like him.”

2.  You send him texts before the first date, or immediately after referring to him as “babe” or “honey.”  Occasionally you use “sweetheart” to mix it up.

3.  When invited up to “his place,”  (the first red flag is that she says yes to coming up to his place on the first or second date) you begin to comment how your cats would love his patio.

4.  You ask him what his mortgage payments are, then tell him sweetly how nice it would be if you could combine your assets to “move on up” together one day  (Yes, this happened on a first date, I swear.)

5.  You tell him you could “see the two of you together” because you like his “vibe.”

I won’t go on.  You get the point.  If, in fact,  you (or your best friend, sister or niece) have done or said these things before, be assured that you are in great company.  The remedy?  Stop. Think. And breathe.  Then, spend some time perusing datingwithdignity.com.  Make some tea.  Read a few blogs. Check out the CoMENtary.  Download some freebie audio tele-classes. And look into attending an upcoming event.  In the meantime, remember this….

There are many former “Lost Girls” who have become Dignity Daters, now living a life filled with love, quality men, and joy.  And you never know, it can happens to the best of them.

In fact, one of those former “Lost Girls” might just be the author of this blog.

There are so many moments in our lives when we feel stuck.  We see how we “want” to be, yet  recognize that the negative thoughts and feelings we have are the result of certain triggers, (e.g, situations or people) that make us feel powerless, reconnect us to the pain we are trying to leave behind, or create ick feelings of frustration.   What’s most difficult is that it can happen when we least expect it, even those moments when we are feeling super groovy.

When you are triggered, however, it doesn’t mean you have to stay “stuck” in this ick feeling.  There are techniques you can use to become aware of your “re-actions” and then help you become responsible for your changing your thoughts, feelings and actions so that you can literally catapult yourself to a new level of awareness, happiness, and ultimately love of self and others.  Here’s an example of how negative victim or conflict thinking can manifest inside your head via the “word” of the inner critical voice I often refer to as the “dark side” voice:

Situation:  Your hear your boyfriend (date, friend, partner) talking to your best friend using communication that you feel isn’t effective.  You feel like it is having a negative effect on your friend.  You feel you must confront him about it, but are concerned how he will react to your comments.

Think about how you typically might respond to this scenario.  If you are intimidated or “walk on eggshells” when you have to confront your boyfriend, you might be afraid you aren’t communicating your thoughts appropriately.  Conversely, perhaps you confront your boyfriend using language that is perceived as being “bossy,” or “controlling.”  Either way, consider how you might BEST deliver the message.  Think about your body language, the tone of your voice, and other key characteristics that will impact how your message is received.

Remember, however, that you can manage your thoughts, feelings and actions and move past STUCK to create a win-win result that leaves you feeling empowered, happy, and satisfied.  Here are some possible options to avoid, followed by some suggestions for change.

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I know, this is a random title for a blog on a dating and relationship website, right?  But, not really.  And here is why:  I went to an incredible seminar this past weekend featuring some of the old-school big wigs in New Thought motivational speaking.  Michael Beckwith, Les Brown, Mary Morrissey and Bob Proctor were all there sharing their wisdom to help people to move past their fears into creating a life they truly love.

Now, next door to this hotel ballroom near the airport (of course, these things are always at hotels near airports, aren’t they?!)  was yet another conference — it was called something like Accelerated Real Estate Marketing.  The name doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that is was PACKED, and the name of the conference was, “The Quick And Easy Way to Get Rich.”  As I walked to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but observe the people  in the hallway, and then I heard a man’s voice, shouting some sort of countdown.  ”7…6….5.”  What was this?  People began to pour from the ballroom into the hallway, pushing their way to the back tables set up with men, computers and brochures.  Clearly, I had to go inside to check it out. What was he selling?  The voice continued, booming through the microphone.

“The first 100 people to make it back to the tables before I get to the number ONE will receive 50% off…Will it be you? Who of you…who is serious enough…who is committed… to take advantage of this incredible opportunity to get rich quick?!”

Holy wow, I thought.  As the man continued his countdown, nearing the number ONE, people began to run from their seats, pushing past chairs, haphazardly careening past those who had chosen to simply walk.  It was incredible.  Did these people really believe that this organization could help them to acquire tremendous wealth with ease? Here I had been sitting in the room next door listening to the New Thought Gurus tell people that thinking “inside the box” was limiting their ability to be successful, while this man was calling them to action.  He had, I’m sure, spent the hour prior to the sales pitch giving his own version of “believe in yourself,” and now he had managed to inspire (or brainwash?) people to run to pay money and invest in their belief.

Who was right?  The Gurus?  The Salesman?

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