Dating With Dignity

Sometimes, a relationship can never even get started or, conversely, it moves too quickly because we do not take time to discern if the person we are dating is an appropriate match.  What follow’s in today’s blog is a few key questions you can ask yourself to define whether the person you are dating is truly a potential partner.

To begin, we must define a healthy, positive relationship.  As Dignity Daters, we want to pursue nurturing relationships that support our growth and development.  We don’t want to continue dating a person who is “catabolic,” or negative, because interactions with them are destructive, limiting, impede our ability to experience life fully or express our true selves.  This said, begin your decision making process regarding a person’s “match” potential by:

1.  List  your criteria for a positive, healthy relationship.

2.  Next, consider the following questions, answering each one completely:

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It’s a serious problem, texting, that is. In fact, this weekend in a bit of conflict with The Brit, even this seasoned dating expert had a difficult time pulling my fingers of the keypad. It was the need I had to connect, let him know I was thinking of him, share that “one last thought.” I could have called, yes, but I didn’t. I texted. He texted back. And then I wrote something, realized it communicated nothing, quickly realizing I had hoped that by sending the text it would invite some sort of sympathetic response. It was as if I I were going to text not necessarily to communicate something, but  instead, use the text as an attempt to GET HIM to text me what I WANTED to HEAR.

Is this valuable communication?

I think not, which is why (breathe a sigh of relief here) I put my phone away and busied myself with the act of living my life. I went for a run. I started a new book and sat outside in the sunshine reading. Played with my children, and talked things over with a friend. The bottom line is this: I did not text. I stopped. I waited to have conversation when he returned, after we had both had time to collect our thoughts.  I chose to speak directly to each him, listening, hearing, and then processing the feelings and thoughts LIVE, in person, in the moment. No writing, editing or second guessing required.

Now, I will tell you that I have had YEARS of experience in the department of texting to chat. Texting to “touch base.” I even had some of my best fights with my ex-boyfriend over texting while I was watching my youngest daughter take a gymnastics class. This was hard-core, insult tossing, DRAMATIC texting. And this was back when I had a little Nokia and had just learned what it was to use “predictive text.” In fact, when I first met The Brit, I remember beginning to have some sort of texting conversation that involved grey and green text boxes that were more than two-three inches long. Ideas were miscommunicated. It was ridiculous until, thankfully, after two such exchanges he picked up the phone to discuss directly. Ultimately, text conversations go nowhere.

Agreed?
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For those of you who have been here for a while,or for those who are new, it’s time for a pop quiz!

Here’s the question:

What does it mean to “date with dignity?”

The Man Panelists, who are going to be live at the event on March 4th, chimed in recently with their interpretations, and a few choice excerpts appear below.  The reason I am sharing this with you today, is that it is my intention this month to kill one of the biggest Urban Legend’s that surround dating; the false belief that “there are no good men out there,” or “all the good men are gay or taken,”  or “I’m not pretty, skinny, or tall enough to get someone whom I find attractive.”

It’s crap.  All of it.

Which is why I want you to hear it straight from the proverbial “horse’s mouth” today.  But there is more to this, it is truly understanding that in order to Date with Dignity you need to be clear on the following:

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If Valentine’s Day were a person I would be defending her, taking her to lunch to help “pump” her up, and unabashedly wondering why people are avoiding her at all costs.  I mean, geez, she’s just a pink and red Hallmark holiday moment. She doesn’t smell.  Dress weird, or have bad breath.

It seems the truth is, or at least what seems like the truth based on all the email blasts I have been getting from love coaches in the last few days, is that if you are single on this holiday then you should accordingly be depressed, sad, hopeless and bitter.  You should need to take a class to feel better, be mad that the guy you have been casually dating hasn’t “stepped up” to the plate.  If you are in a relationship, you should feel “bad” for putting pressure on your beloved to show up with a bit of romance on Sunday.  In fact, one email I got said that she and her partner were “boycotting” Valentine’s Day because they show love towards one another daily.

STOP the presses.  REALLY, now.  Does Valentine’s Day deserve to be trashed?

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I have had a variety of clients in the past week who are trying to break free from repeating the same patterns. While they realize that the results each time are exactly the same, there seems to be something that propels them forward into madness, frustration and disappointment.

That said, how can you immediately stop making the same mistake and empower yourself? How can you make your decision to break free from your romantic rut from within – Not because your friend thinks you are  ”crazy,” to continue.  Or, because your mother emphatically said, “Darling….you deserve better.”

How can you, then, say to yourself,

“I choose to stop seeing Steve,” rather than

“I should stop seeing Steve,” or

“Damn. I just have to stop seeing Steve.”

The words “should” and “have to” do not reflect “buy-in,” or what some refer to as “intrinsic motivation,” that is motivation that comes from within yourself. So then, how can you begin to choose to make different decisions?

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