Warning! Today I let Christian out of the Dating with Dignity Den to drop a blog, instead of the usual vlog to answer the MOST frequently asked question at Dating With Dignity. Christian is very excited to jump on 2010 with a blog for Dating With Dignity, because as he says, “I love this place and believe in it passionately!” Enjoy…
So here you are in 2010; you have been all dignified in your dating, found a decent chap to hang with, been on some great dates, maybe had some fun in the bedroom (no SEX for 3 months!-ok, maybe 1 month) and now you are starting to wonder…”We are having these great times out, but I don’t know if he is after a long term relationship.” We are assuming here that you are dating not just for fun, but you are genuinely looking for a substantial relationship and one to explore the rest of your life with…so you have this awesome dude and now you want to know, so you don’t waste your time.
Marni and I get this question all the time: “When is it ok to tell him that you are looking for a real relationship and not just a fun fling or casual dating?”
I will say, there is a bit of an age demographic to this question. If you are in your 20’s I would say wait and if you are in your mid 30’s and above I would say by the 3rd date, and in some cases the first. But first let’s get to the basics:
Remember…we men need guidance. We roll they way you roll…if you bring hot and sexy fun girl to the table- we go to the hot and sexy place and are thinking about hot and sexy fun in the bedroom. If you bring fun classy girl with good values then we go into this could be a potential wife mode and start thinking about how your name sounds with our last. Same girl, with two different presentations creates two different potential scenarios.
So, after you have led the man with classy fun girl mode, there comes a time when you let him know what you are looking for…and again, you are not only saving your time, but you are leading him. He will know what road he is walking down and how to act accordingly. At the core of everyman is a want to never hurt a woman. If he knows that you are looking for something substantial, he will not want to stick around and waste your time if he is only open to a fun dalliance. That is why many guys have “the talk” and say what they are looking for from the beginning, “Look, I am just looking to have some fun right now and not get into anything too serious.” They know what they want and state it from the beginning so no one gets hurt or too involved. Well, if he is able to have that talk, why can’t you? “I definitely want to have fun and date and not rush into anything, but I am overall looking for a substantial relationship.” If he gets a little weirded out by that, then you might have found a good friend or just walk away and no love lost…literally.
The reason I qualified with age is because the dating game, especially in the 21st Century, has different interests per age group (I know this a harsh generalization, but just roll with me on this). With the postponed generation leaving its influence of taking our time in all aspects of life, including life long love, folks in their 20’s might not be looking for immediate partnership; the odds are greater that they are looking to keep it a bit lighter, gather more information, have some fun, before they settle down. Now of course this can change overnight if you all of a sudden meet a keeper. But for the most part, I would say if you are dating in your twenties or dating a person in their twenties to early thirties, I would hold off on the declaration of interest line until the second or third month of dating. By that time, you will have a good idea if the relationship has hope for the future and then you can check in with your mate and see what their views or pursuits may be.
Now if you are in your mid thirties and dating accordingly, I think the rules change. Boys hopefully have become men, women have figured out what they really want in a relationship, and it is ok to be a bit more bold from the beginning since we are now looking at two adults who are aware of the want, yearning, and interest in a life long commitment for a variety of reasons: perhaps one has already married and divorced, one has experienced the dating game for too long and is ready to settle down, one is aware of a biological clock, or one has just matured enough to focus on a stable partner for the long term. So if you are on the 3rd dignified date, have kept the sex out of the equation so you know he is into your personality too, you can easily pop out the, “I just want to be honest with you, that I am looking for a substantial relationship in my life, I definitely do not want to rush anything and take it day by day and DATE, but I do want to see if we are on the same page.” I would wait to the third date, since you really cannot get to know someone from two dates. Even if you are not falling head over heels, give it a couple dates; remember the techy guy at the holiday party that you never thought was cool or attractive but all of a sudden overtime became an interest because you got to know him? Same with dates. Ideally, more than three dates would be ideal, and if you are patient then give it 5-6 dates or so and enjoy the experience, but many of us are busy and have only so many weekend nights to give away and pay for things like babysitters. So if this bozo is not down for something real, then it is time to move on!
Okay my dignified daters! Lets get out of our way in 2010, see good and healthy love and act accordingly in your dating!
To a healthy and loving 2010!
Christian Anderson is a host and actor that has worked on a variety of shows, from sports to relationships to retail television. Most recently, Christian shot the pilot episode of Gorgeous on Sunset, a talk show that showcases the latest designers in Hollywood. Of course, you can find him throughout the month at live dating seminars for, “Dating with Dignity” and “Cracking the Man Code.” His entrance into the dating sector started with his research and development of the best-selling book, “Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets to Everlasting Marriage,” by Mat Boggs and Jason Miller. That success led to co-hosting the radio show “The Bachelor Pad” and an appearance on the well followed webseries “The Male Room,” as a long term relationship correspondent. Christian also has flexed his domestic muscles, being the jack of all trades guy on HSN, where he hosted an eclectic group of shows from “NFL Gear” to “Let’s Cook,” to “Outdoor Living.” As an actor, Christian has worked on sitcoms and day time drama, including According to Jim, Will and Grace, Accidentally on Purpose and Young and the Restless. He is a huge fan of the stage, working at Shakespeare festivals across the country and most recently closed a critically acclaimed three month run of Stop Kiss at Rogue Machine Theatre. He is works hopping a self written one man show called “Jesus Was Not A Doorman” and hopes to have its premier for summer 2010.