Dating With Dignity

I’m sure Angelica, my Marketing Assistant, will be upset that I’m using her material for today’s blog, but she asked me a very important question this afternoon regarding her reaction to a Facebook Friend request from “The One” who was her Big Break Up. At first, she said, she was shocked. Then she recoiled, her hands started to shake, and quite frankly, didn’t know what to do.

“Is it weird that I had such a strong reaction to his email?” she asked earnestly. “I don’t have feelings for him, but it took me so long to move past that relationship, and hearing from him freaked me out.”

I told Angelica this: It’s typical, normal and appropriate to get that butterfly, anxious, weird feeling when you get a text from The One, the guy who you just finally stopped thinking about every day. Often, these men come back into our lives to check to make sure we really meant it when we said goodbye. When my relationship with “The One,” ended, I would receive texts from him even though months had gone by since we had broken up. I tried to be friends with him. Sometimes I could. Other times I knew that by the true definition of the word, we could never be friends. It has been six years since that Big Breakup, and be assured I don’t get “the shakes” when he texts these days. The point is this, for years I would get the “tinge,” when I saw his number on my phone. I thought about him on holidays, and sometimes even texted or left messages for old times sake.

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I have been working with several clients who seem to have identified a new species in the MANimal Kingdom.

Introducing Mr. Sensitive. Mr. Sensitive often lures women into pseudo relationships because he is inquisitive, sweet, and appears to be connected to himself emotionally. He may say he is really into you within the first few dates, tell you that you are different from other women he has dated, and share deep, intimate details about himself quickly. He often philosophizes, says he is on a “spiritual” journey or shares his “victim to victory” story with you. He knows, believe me, that once he begins to share these types of personal stories he will have you hooked. What’s more, once you feel “connected” to him, you put yourself at risk to move into “over-share” mode, giving him reason upon reason to rule you out of his current dating pool without knowing who you really are.

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I was sitting in a Coach Training seminar last night and was listening to the founder of my coaching program, Bruce Schneider, discuss strategies to finding more joy in life and how a person can modify their vibrational energy. The resultant “lift,” then enables each person to move away from victim and conflict thinking to begin having a better view of their life and others. After listening for a while, I began to truly appreciate why one of the steps in my 10-Step Method to Manifesting Love includes “Collect Data and Have Fun.” In truth, one of the most important ways to connect with another person is through nothing more simply than good old fashioned fun. What typically follows from fun then, is laughter. And laughter can make a person feel better, even when times are tough. In an effort to help you have fun today and lift your vibrational energy as you head into the weekend, watch today’s video blog below. It’s filled with hilarious “out takes” from the Dignity Dating Den with Christian Anderson. Remember, have fun, smile and then think how you can make someone else laugh today too.

I am burning to share this today, because I have heard several clients in the last day or two tell me that they met someone, had a “good” first phone call, or is going to be “fixed up,” and doesn’t want to get their “hopes up!” Hmmm. Sound familiar?

I remember when I was first learning to date with dignity, and always went immediately to the default position of, “I’ll reject you before you reject me,” even though I had a good first connection with someone. I did this quite effectually by simply squashing my feelings of hope, excitement and optimism. I would create an internal dialogue in which I would experience butterflies, then interject what I thought was a big dose of reality that said, “DON’T get excited. It could not work. It might not happen for me.” Then, I would get excited again, experiencing the feelings in my body that said, “maybe this, in fact, is the miracle guy.”  Once again, however, the voice of “reality” would return, guarding and protecting me from potential hurt or disappointment. In sum, I was becoming adept at throwing out what I call, “The Heisman.” (The Heisman is based on the football trophy in which the cast iron football player has one hand held close to his body, carefully protecting the football, while the other hand is stretched outward, elbow straightened, protecting the player from the offender.) I pretended to hold the idea of partnership in close (like the football), yet my unconscious beliefs, words, actions and inner dialogue communicated the outstretched defensive hand.

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It’s nearly the end of January, and many of the average Jane and Joe’s have long lost resolve to stay focused on achieving their New Years Resolutions.  Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that it’s time to give up, quit and go back to the unhealthy patterns that were making you unhappy in 2009.  That said, how do you stay on track?  Keep up your motivation?  How do you remember to re-decide for YOURSELF every time you are confronted with a challenge?  Here’s a few tips to help keep your feet pointed in the right direction:

1.  Write it down.  If most of the goals or resolutions you made are still floating aimlessly in your mind, commit them to paper.  Even if it is just one or two things, put them on paper and then post it near your bathroom sink or computer.  (The point is t0 simply put it somewhere else in your house where you see it every day!)  Connecting to what you want and intend to do daily is paramount to achieving success.

2.  Break the steps necessary to achieve each goal into little chunks.  Whatever your goal, take time to set aside one or two hours this weekend to begin “calendar-izing” each goal.  I tell my clients to create a table in WORD, or even to use EXCEL to break down the steps they will take each week in working towards their goals.  Once they have each step identified, it’s then important to make time in your calendar each week to work towards your goal.  For example, I am going to complete a book I have been writing this year.   Therefore,  I am now looking at my calendar to set aside work bursts where I can focus on my writing.  If, however, I don’t make time in my calendar and value the appointment time I set with myself as much as an appointment I would make with a Doctor, I won’t keep the appointment.

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Hey Dignity Daters! I’m preparing for my workshop tomorrow night in Los Angeles in which I’m collaborating Dr. Theo Kousouli, a chiropractic healer. We are going to dig deep into one of the most frequently asked questions here at Dating With Dignity — a question which I have received a few times from clients the past few days. Here it is:

Q: I want to make changes in my life, but seem paralyzed by fear. I hear voices that say, “I’m not smart enough,” “It’s the best I can do,” or “It’s too hard and scary.” What do I do? Sometimes I feel hopeless?

A: It’s quite horrible when the feelings seem so big, scary and paralyzing. In fact, I remember times in my life where I simply buckled to my knees and heaved giant sobs. Other times, the tears wouldn’t come. Instead, I felt vast amounts of anger, powered by thoughts of revenge, rebellion or hatred. Ultimately, however, I tired of myself. My complaints, the whining, and the same feelings of dread and sadness became monotonous. What, I wondered, could I do that would enable me to really experience joy. Here’s the steps I took, which involved a process we will discuss tomorrow during the workshop at The Beverly Hills Country Club.

1. I learned how to shift my thinking from that of the “victim,” to a place in which I decided to take responsibility for my life. Instead, I became very intentional regarding the specific steps I could take to move into action. What step will you take today to move into action?

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I have been getting such an interesting response with the Self Care Gone Wild campaign that I decided to create this video blog today to help you take your motivation to the next level.  As a person who lived with years of “reward-based-thinking,” in which I would deprive, deny or otherwise live my life “white-knuckling” it through the difficult times in anticipation of when I could “let go,” I know this system never worked for me.  In the video today, I’m going to share an advanced coaching technique called, “The Miracle Moment,” in which you will develop a simple strategy designed to increase your motivation inherently — which is based on an organic, desire that comes from deep within yourself.  Check it out, and drop me an email at marni@datingwithdignity.com to let me know how it works!

it’s a common question, “What should I do?”  You ask your mom, best friend, therapist or a teacher.  Where did it start, this asking a question without really defining the question.  Remember this routine?  As a child in elementary school you would shuffle up to your teacher, eyes pointed down. “I don’t get it,” you would mumble, hoping for the quick answer; an easy fix.  She would respond, perhaps asking you to clarify, “What’s your question?” she’d say. “Hmmm…That’s the damn question for which you most likely didn’t have an answer. It was so much easier, faced with overwhelm, to simply do the shuffle, crease your forehead and look confused  Again, you would ask, pausing this time.  ”Ummmm…I don’t get it,” you’d say once more.

As an adult, you still may not get it sometimes.  But  when faced with challenges now, you ask a different question, still desperate, however, for direction and guidance.

“What should I do?” you ask.

Today, a client called to ask this question.  He was regretting a break up and wanted nothing more than for his ex to take him back, trusting that the previous year filled with make-ups and break-ups was just a simple mistake.  ”What should I do,”  he asked.  ”What can I say to get her to take me back?”  Of course, you could imagine that as a Life Coach I seldom tell someone “what to do.”  Occasionally, I may dish out some “best advice,” but mostly I answer that question with this doozy; this piece of information designed to help the one who is asking the questions to ask a better, more specific question.

Instead of, “what should I do,”  I tell clients to ask themselves, “What’s the next step I could take today?”  This approach requires that one break the answer down into baby steps — ask the Universe,  his “Higher Power,” or God, perhaps, for little pieces of internal wisdom that can act as a flashlight, providing the guidance necessary to see just a few yards in front of his face.

Ask yourself, “What is the next step I could take today?”  The answer will come in the form of small, measurable steps. What’s now required is faith that taking this step, following intuition and listening to the quiet voice within will provide the direction that is required to maintain forward motion.  Want more information?   Learn to ask more specific questions — not of your friends, mentors or coach, but of yourself.  Clear away the clutter to gain access to your internal wisdom.  Develop a practice to connect to this wisdom consistently through yoga, meditation, a brisk walk, or simply staying still during your morning shower.

Ask.  The answer will come.  Perhaps you won’t receive the BIG answer — the one that will tell you what the future holds. Most likely, my client didn’t get an answer to his question such as “break up.”  ”Make up.”  Or, “she’s THE ONE.”  However, through the empowering questions I did ask him, he came up with a strategy for today — an answer for the question he had regarding his next step. Most important, the answer didn’t come from me.  It came from within him.

Ask yourself.  Be still.  Listen, and then know that sometimes a flashlight is exactly what you need to stay on your feet, moving forward, one step at a time.