Dating With Dignity

For some men and women, the concept of the “date” has become muddled somewhere between technology, best intentions and charm. What then, exactly, is a “date?”  In a recent radio interview I did (which will air in January) with Gloria McDonald, founder  of Perfect Partners, we discussed the fact that it is a mistake to identify the first meeting with someone whom you have met online as a “date.”  In fact, to reduce the risk of disappointment and minimize frustrations, it is better to describe these interactions as “meetings” because you are truly only meeting the prospect for the first time.  That said, then, are there other “meetups” that do not qualify as a date?  Let’s dive deeper:

1.  I’m free, wanna hang out? The man who suddenly finds himself available on Friday at 6pm, texts you to see if you are available, is not asking you out on a date!   While it’s true he might want your company, it’s also possible this is primarily because his friends have dates, are out of town, or have told him they prefer to watch the latest episode of Sports Center instead of heading out on the town. In sum, if a man asks you to “hang out,” it is not a date.  A date requires preparation, advanced planning and intention.

2.  Wanna meet up with my friends later? While to some advanced daters, this may seem absurd, please note that for many who date this meetup is deemed an acceptable version of the date.  In fact, some clients who do this have described themselves as “dating” someone even if they have never been on a 1-1 official date with the man in question.  The bottom line?  Ensure that the man or woman you are dating makes it a priority to spend time with you, not as an adjunct highlight to his night.

3.  I’ll call you when I’m done. There are many quality men, including Mr. Quality Casual, who could be guilty of making themselves  available after they have finished a prior engagement.  From conference calls to boxing classes to finishing up a basketball game they are watching with their friends, it is not a date when you are called upon as merely the after-thought activity.

In a recent Coaching Group I held last week, the eligible, attractive men who were participating described the behaviors they exhibit when they were truly “into” someone they were dating.  The romantic gestures, thoughts and feelings they shared with the group were astonishing, receiving “awwww,”  ”how sweet,” and “wow” from the women in attendance.  It becomes clear then, if someone whom you would like to get to know does not RETURN the feelings as manifested by their ACTIONS, then move on swiftly.  Don’t wonder.  Don’t ponder.  Just say no.  A date is “a date.”  Think Bogart and Bacall.  Sandy and Danny.  And Jack and Helen in “As Good as It Gets.”  These are dates.  And to those men who set the bar where it should be, my hats off to you.  Much thanks and appreciation.

Don’t forget —  Tonight at 5pm pacific time I will be interviewing one of my favorite sex experts, Chrystal Bougon from Blissconnection.com, on specific ways to add VOOM to your love life.  For those who know, I’m a fan of waiting 60 days until the Wing Wang and the Ding Dang meet.  Don’t worry though, Chrystal and I are going to reveal some HOT options to keep you going until you and your partner are ready to make a commitment to exclusivity.  Register here now!  Can’t make the call? Register now and you will receive a link to download and listen at your leisure!

In recent conversations with a variety of dating and relationship gurus, matchmakers nationwide, and good ol’ fashioned humans, I have discovered that men and women are hesitant to give someone a second or third chance if they don’t have the “hots” for him or her on the first meeting.  Here’s the truth, By the end of 2009 the dating industry is expected to top $1.049 billion, and is likely to grow in 2010 at a rate of 10 percent.  What’s more, online dating sites generated 27.5 million unique visitors in June, 2009, alone.  What does this mean?  It means that people are dating.

A lot.

Men and women like you are spending money, time and energy to meet someone with whom they want to fall in love.  What’s more, it means that because there are so many people actively dating, it is easy to rule someone out within 30 seconds of meeting them.  ”Ick,” you think.  ”She’s out.  Who’s next?”  Clients tell me there was “no chemistry,” admitting that after those first thirty seconds they literally stopped engaging with the person. Stopped listening carefully, never looked the person across the table in the eye, and immediately discounted them as someone they wanted to get to know.

The result?  People are dissatisfied.  Frustrated.   Moving through dating experiences numbly, shuffling in and out of coffee shops, flipping through online profiles in disgust.

He’s in.  She’s out.

In. Out.

Go home.

Get back online.

Bad date?  Men and women consistently tell me that they get back on Match.com before they even consider making a cup of tea, watching television, or reading a book.  WOW.  It’s as if we have become so addicted to instant gratification that we have no tolerance or willingness to get  to know if someone could possibly be someone whom we could love.  I’ll admit that a person must, in fact, be attractive to you.  However, what could possibly happen if someone with whom you didn’t think “hot,” became attractive to you because you spent more time together?  Perhaps you begin to notice their sense of humor, the compassion they have for the older woman crossing the street, a cute crinkle in the crease of their eye when they smile, or the way she moved her hands when describing her favorite movie.

Let me tell you my story.  The story of Ari.  I went on six dates with Ari, however I would never have even gone on date number 1 if I wasn’t tired of living with so many “rules,” about whom I would date.  Ari was 5 foot 6 inches.  He was smart.  Good looking, funny.  And successful.   But, despite my interest in him, I kept telling myself that anyone under 5 foot 10 inches was an unacceptable partner.  Nevertheless,  I decided to date Ari, branch out. I liked him, but at 5 foot 7 inches, it felt odd to be so much taller then my date.  Hugging him, I felt huge.  A giantess.  Returning home after the second date,  I pondered.  I dug deeply.  I liked him, but why wasn’t I attracted to him?  It was then that I realized it was an issue — an issue I had buried somewhere between 7th and 8th grade; the summer I grew from 5 foot 1 inches to 5 foot 7 inches.  There, walking the halls of my middle school with boys named Cory, Craig and Eric, boys who were barely five foot tall, I decided tall was “not pretty.”  The voice in my head — the inner critic — shouted it loudly.

“You are too tall.  Too big.  And boys do not like girls who are too big.”

Yikes.  I was shocked, horrified to relive those feelings I had while I was a student at Franklin Junior High School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  And then, I realized the truth.   Tall is sexy.  Plenty of men like taller women.  Hmmmm, I thought.  Could I reframe this whole thing, imagine that it was incredibly sexy to be taller than Ari?  I decided to try, agreeing to date number 3.

Date number 3 rocked.  I had fun.  I laughed.  I even wore heels, relishing in the fun of this new frame of mind.  While Ari ended up being someone who was ultimately “not a match,” I enjoyed getting to know him.  Woot!  Woot!  I did it!  I busted through my limiting beliefs to rule Ari “in!”  Imagine the possibilities, I thought,  if I continued to expand my horizons and begin to think of ways to rule men “in,” instead of quickly judging them as “out,” within seconds of saying hello.

Most of the dating experts, including me, recommend a three-date minimum before you decide it’s “not a match.”  Challenge yourself.  And then let me know what happens once you begin to rely on more than the “Lust-O-Meter” to decide if someone is worth seeing again.

When you have a bad moment, ick day, or you just seem to fall back into a rut, it’s powerful to know that you can make the choice to “coach” yourself back to vibrating at a higher energy level. The result, you are able to manage typical “down” moments when the inner critic in your mind is having a hey day to ultimately take back control of your life. Here’s how:

1.  Identify a specific incident in which you were successful at moving from catabolic, negative energy into an anabolic or higher energy state. Remember a time when you seemed to have “pulled” yourself out of a slump to show up for a friend in need, turn an awkward moment into something memorable, or find the good in a situation that at first seems quite negative.

2.  Think carefully about the situation, and recall how you turned yourself around. In the situation you identified in step 1, determine the defining moment in which you were able to make this shift? Did you remember something you read in a book, make a choice to stop being “Debbie  Downer,” or hear your Aunt Selma’s warm voice in your head telling you, “chin up?” Did you remember something you read on this blog, or heard at a Dating With Dignity workshop.  Think carefully.  Then, use the same technique in the new situation.

3.  Alternatively, think of one positive trait or characteristic a friend would use to describe you. Once you identify the trait, brainstorm possibilities of how this characteristic could best be used to help you shift your energy in the current situation.  Perhaps your friend would say you are intuitive?  Or compassionate?  Maybe you are funny, like me?  Think, then, how could could you best use your intuitive skills, compassion towards others, or humor to raise the energetic frequency at which you are vibrating.

Remember, each moment gives you an opportunity to define who you want to be.  The choice is yours.  Don’t let traffic, the slow cashier at the grocery store, or the holiday frenzy at the mall determine who you attract into your life.  Like attracts like.  Be conscious of your energy, then take action to move yourself into a positive, upbeat mood and choose to live a life of acceptance and peace.

Don’t forget, it’s almost time for Q and A Monday.  Have a question this weekend?  Make sure you send it to datingwithdignity@gmail.com.

And, here’s something exciting to look forward to!  If you or a friend (someone who is single or in a relationship) are interested in having better sex, (who isn’t?!) don’t forget to register now for the FREE Ask the Expert Tele-class with Chrystal from Blissconnection.com.  Even if you can’t make the call on Wednesday, register so we can send you the recording.  Here’s the link: http://www.datingwithdignity.com/dl/askchrystalbougon/

Happy Hump Day Daters.  Here’s my concern: I have been barraged with information about products, classes and workshops touting opportunities for  ”holiday tune-ups,” tips to beat the “holiday blues,” and how to de-stress during the holiday season.  The very titles of these programs assume that because it is December I, as the recipient of these emails, invitations and messages, have recognized, at long last, that my life sucks.  It intimates I am somehow broken, need to be fixed, or must assuredly be stressed when I consider the vast amount of opportunities to celebrate that are prominent during this time of the year.

To this I say, “bah humbug.”

Honestly, must we really consider the entire year a bust if we have thus far not managed to find long-term love?  I emphatically say, “No, no and no.” While I did find love in 2009, I spent five years prior celebrating my other accomplishments, lessons learned, new connections, friends, challenges and time spent with family.  In addition, I recognized that while I may not have found love, I was able to learn new information about myself, dating, relationships and becoming a better version of me. My message today is short, sweet and to the point my dear friends.

The value of your life is NOT represented by the number of dates you have, the quantity of emails that fill your match.com inbox, nor the prospect of finding “the one” by New Years Eve or even Valentines Day.  The value of your life is represented by the people you love voraciously.  The friendships you treasure.  The people you serve in your business.  The smile you share with the Barista that makes his “day at the office,” a little less hectic.  The kiss you give your mother, father, child or loved one.

Last night at a Hoffman Institute Community Gathering I facilitated at my house, I read this excerpt from the Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.

“People learn to become selfish and to close their hearts so tightly.  They are starving for love, not knowing that the heart is a magical kitchen.  Your heart is a magical kitchen…..open your magical kitchen, and refuse to walk around the world begging for love.  In your heart is all the love you need.  Your heart can create any amount of love, not just for yourself, but for the whole world; you can be generous with your love because you have a magical kitchen in your heart.  Then all those starving people who believe the heart is closed wil always want to be near you for your love.”

This passage say’s it all; That love of self, love of friends, family, and compassion for others is what truly gives us fulfillment, joy and peace.  So Dignity Daters, Happy Holidays.  You are not broken, do not need repair and are not doomed to stress and overwhelm this December.  Instead, enjoy the celebrations.  Reframe your point of view.  Ignore the doom and gloom.  Instead, allow others to be imperfect.  Accept yourself.  And then, commit to new ways of growth in 2010 so that you can continue to manifest  love in the world.

I’m off to prepare for the first coed Mastermind Dating Group that meets tonite!  Send us blessings as we begin this adventure together…..

It seems that letting go of a relationship, especially when the person meets 75% -80% of your needs, is a challenge.  Men and women constantly ask me what is the “right” way to break up?  Should they have “break-up” sex, can they be just  ”friends,” should they talk on the phone regularly?  Or, should they just sever ties  –  make a clean break?  While I have specific advice on this topic, be assured that I have had vast experience with breaking up.  Prior to doing the work I did in creating the Dating With Dignity 10-Steps to Manifesting Love  I had a horrific time letting go of a relationship with a man who wasn’t a match.  In fact, he wasn’t someone who ultimately made me feel good about myself.  However, the hope and promise of what it might be  – if he changed — kept me coming back for more.  I hoped.  I prayed. And, while I tried desperately to be “just friends,” I was so completely attracted to him that it was hard not to think about connecting with him physically.  I tried clean breaks too, but during those periods he would send emails, call or just reach out telling me he missed me, and wanted just to talk.  These messages hit my weakest spots, making me  temporarily feel worthy, loveable and wanted.  Of course, even after weeks of  successfully not talking, I acquiesced and made contact.  The bottom line?  It took me more than 18 months to let go of a relationship that should have ended just six months after it began.  During this” on and off again” period I mourned, tried to date other people, and went out with friends.  Mostly, though, I pined for him, dreaming that “one day,” he would recognize my awesome-ness and come back begging to be with me.  What was most sad about being in this limbo state of being for me, was the fact that during this time I never focused on how I had been treated poorly, accepting merely crumbs, or why we weren’t a match because of differing values.  Yes, he was good looking.  We had incredible chemistry. I adored his kids.  But still, he wasn’t what I deserved.  To say we had “break up” sex at least one-half dozen times might be accurate, it could have been more.  I was lost.  Drowning in false promises.  Hope.  And pretending that he was the soul mate I might never find again.

Now, back to reality.

The truth is, this break up was horrible.  I could have saved myself pain, tears and months of agonizing heartbreak if I had lived in reality.  I could have moved on more quickly, creating space to meet someone new if only I had not waited to do the work I ultimately did to find self love, date with intention, and create a life I loved.  Fast forward 18 months later, and behold, I had become a dignity-dater looking to make a move forward.  As a result, I landed in a nice relationship with a man who lived outside of Los Angeles where I live.  We dated for three months.  He was an excellent communicator, passionate and we had the same spiritual sense of being.  Nevertheless, he was NOT a match.  While on a trip together, I realized that while I thought this man an incredible person, he would never be the person with whom I could partner.  That said, I had to have the “it’s not a match,” conversation.  I loved him.  He was sweet, and had been there for me when my mother was very sick, dying from cancer.  Nevertheless, we agreed that while love is necessary, it is NOT sufficient.  This, my friends, was a clean break.  I missed him terribly the first week.  After all, suddenly there was nobody to talk to while driving to work, not a soul who cared that I had gone to the grocery store to buy chicken and ended up with chocolate.  There was nobody to say goodnight to before my head hit the pillow.  And there was nobody who would stand beside me at my mother’s funeral.  Bottom line?  Yes, it was hard. It was uncomfortable.  And, quite frankly, it hurt.  But, I knew that if my patience and wounded heart could withstand the test of time, if I took comfort in my friends, hobbies and the incredible life I had created, I would not only survive but thrive.

So…. is there such as think as a clean break? Yes.  And no.  I value the break-up conversations.  I even value break-up sex.  The problem becomes when breaking up is so dramatic, poetic and perfect that it leads to nothing less than shear  fantasy.  It leads to what if’s?  What could have been?  And, if only.  The challenge becomes when breaking up leads to making up, breaking up again, and then once again, a dramatic reunion which results in fantastical sex and connection.  This, my friends, is one hell of an unfulfilling, no-win romantic rut.

When you decide “it’s not a match,” decide for good.  Decide for you.  Decide to save yourself time.  Energy, and sadness.  Move forward so that you can begin to create a life you love.  It will be worth it, I promise.  :)