It was a very interesting tele-class last night in which Chyrstal Bougon, Founder of Blissconnection.com, revealed practical tips and techniques to have better sex with your partner. You can download the link now to listen to the class, but I want to write today to express this: While the places to touch, kiss and lick your partner are VERY important, one of the most important lessons we discussed on this call is the importance of communication.
To begin, “The Rule of 60—Days, That Is,” (One of the Dating With Dignity Foundation Principles which suggests that you wait at least 60 days until you have intercourse with someone whom you want to build a long-term relationship), requires that a couple discuss sex as things naturally progress on the way to a possible exclusive relationship. I received several questions from listeners with questions regarding this very topic; is it, in fact, ok to tell someone you want to wait to have sex? Or, conversely, do you “play coy,” as one listener asked, hoping to put off a direct conversation in lieu of hoping for a quick get-away at the end of each date.
The answer is simple: Communicate! Ditch the “cool girl” mentality and state your values confidently. Be self assured when telling your potential lover that you are not someone who has sex casually, and that when, and if, you do decide to have sex it will be when you feel the relationship meets your expectations. Here’s a few important guidelines to ensure this conversation effectively communicates your position:
1. Make sure you have conversations regarding the decision to have sex vertical AND clothed. Many Dignity Daters have heard me tell the story of Aaron, who was asked by Lucia, a woman he had dated twice, if having sex with him meant he was now “her boyfriend.” The icing on the cake? Lucia asked Aaron this question while they were in bed, naked, his expression masked by ecstasy as he hovered just inches above her, moments before he was to “seal the deal.” His response? “Of course,” Aaron whispered, consummating the relationship effortlessly. Needless to say, Aaron never saw Lucia again. While Lucia clearly picked an inopportune time to ask Aaron this question, what’s more important to note is that she did have an expectation associated with intercourse. She didn’t communicate this expectation. Ever. Make sure you discuss sex, your expectations, and your relationship goals. And yes, make sure you are wearing clothes.
2. Be direct. There is no time in a relationship to play games, withhold sex as an expression of your power, or manipulate your partner in regards to the decision. Instead, communicate why it is important for you to wait. In addition, be clear that while you do not want to have intercourse until you have a commitment (if this is your relationship goal), ensure your partner that you are open to exploring other possibilities for sexual gratification as the relationship progresses. Making these choices is done together, further providing opportunities to communicate with one another.
3. Find new ways to make him hot! As you “Data-Date” (collect new data about the person as you get to know them) create opportunities to have fun together. Flirt. Explore ways to be sexy, sensual and passionate. Kiss often! Hold hands, exploring the small spaces between his fingers, investigate the place where the base of her hair meets her neck. Notice his eyes. Relish the moments together, enjoying this process of slowly beginning to know someone in an intimate way.
Remember this — Live a life of purpose, passion and self awareness as you date with dignity. Each moment describes who you are, and gives you the opportunity to decide if that’s who you want to be.