It’s almost time for New Years Eve, and for those of us who find ourselves single again after the end of a marriage or  long-term relationship, the way we feel about this particular night can be a billboard-sized reflection of how we currently feel about the life we are  living. For some, it’s a time to reflect upon the ups and downs of 2009, ultimately filled, nonetheless, with hope and excitement about the possibilities a new year brings.  For others, it can lead to sadness, victim thinking, and the onset of a pity party extraordinaire.   Take a few moments today to pinpoint the types of thoughts you are having this week.  Are you sending out Pity Party  invites, or celebrating YOU and the fantastic opportunities to be created in 2010?  Today’s guest blog is written by Dignity Dater, Tambre Leighn.  Tambre, widowed in her mid-thirties, has had many reasons to wallow in self-pity, yet she made 2009 her year to deep dive into the Dating With Dignity 10-Step Process to Manifest Love.  The results are phenomenal, and as a witness of all she has created this year, I’m sure you will be inspired by her journey.  Here’s to creating a life you love….Tambre style. Enjoy…

Read the rest of this entry →

I’m still in Maui, but have been spending each morning at the gym listening to inspirational audio lessons from teachers I respect.  Today I was reflecting on an email I received from a cousin in Colorado this week, who was moved by watching the “24 Hour Power Thought Challenge,” I posted on the site last Sunday.  She was moved not to change thoughts regarding someone in her immediate family or a friend, but regarding thoughts and feelings she was having towards me.  In truth, she was pissed, hurt and felt neglected. And guess what?  The reasons she cited for feeling hurt were rational, accurate and completely true.  I had neglected to call her when her mother was ill and then when she ultimately died in September I didn’t send a card.  I had been aware her family was going through this tragic loss from other family members, yet because she lives in another state, we don’t communicate regularly and I was in the midst of my  life, I completely ignored or put off the small voice in my head that occasionally reminded me to write or call her.

I made a mistake.

Ugh.  I’m supposed to be better than this.  How could I have done such a thoughtless thing?  And then I began to think further.  What other mistakes have I made this year?  And more importantly, how can I change these behaviors and begin to let those mistakes take me to a higher place of being in 2010?  In fact, I realize, these mistakes are opportunities to grow, become a better person.  I can become more compassionate.  Learn to stop ignoring the small voice.  I can change, shift, transform, and learn.

I have been keeping a journal while I’ve been here containing thoughts and ideas for 2010.  Things I want to do.  Places I want to go, and goals I would like to achieve.  And as a result, I have decided to become a better at communicating with family.  I am going to send more notes.  I am going to forgive myself for mistakes made, and put writing condolence and thank you notes higher on “my list” to do list.  I am going to send birthday greetings, and send more gifts.  I am going to practice what I teach — make my words and actions match.

What is on your list?  Take out a small notebook or journal this week and use it to play.  Become creative.  Imagine and dream.Use markers.  Type it.  Pull images from google.  Or simply put colors on the page. Express your self. How will you change this year?  Where will you grow?  These are not “resolutions,” per se.  Instead, they are ways in which your actions can better reflect your values in 2010.  They are actions you can begin to take which will help you become more fulfilled, happy, joyous and compassionate; Simple strategies to create the life you love.

Mine is a hero’s journey; I will not be a victim to mistakes, negative thinking or circumstance.  I will use these mistakes to take heroic leaps forward into my becoming.

Join me.  It will be a fantastic ride.

Aloha.

It’s Christmas Eve Day, and quite frankly while I am really feeling blessed and blissed, I am also frustrated!  I haven’t seen my kids in more than one week (they are with their dad) and for someone who is a recovering control freak, I hate feeling so “out of control.”  This is the time where I remember to take my own advice, and step out of this victim, ick feeling and begin to feel grateful for the incredible relationship I typically have with my kids’ father, the friends who love me here in Maui and at home, and the fact that my boyfriend is supportive of me despite my complaining (even though these days he is slightly obsessed with the 40 foot waves that are expected on the North Shore of Maui on Christmas Day!)  Knowing all this, he is not responsible for “getting me out of this mood,” nor is the sunshine, the gym or the tray of chocolates on the dining room table.  I get to be responsible for me, for transforming this day into one of calm, peace and gratitude.  I am going to forgive myself for agreeing to this vacation schedule with my ex-husband without really looking closely at the dates, jump into the day, and make it incredible!

Now, on to the guest blog, written by David Shade.  While it has nothing to do with Christmas, per se, it does for me.  It was on Christmas Eve, six years ago, that I was madly in love with the consummate bad boy.  He was all these things.  Sometimes he was worse.  Sometimes he was better.  I tell people, “he was the best, worst thing that ever happened to me” because the pain I suffered as a result of this relationship was debilitating.  The good news is that it took me to the depths of myself, forcing me to pick myself up, transform my thinking, and take back control of my life.

My wish is for you to take control of your life in 2010.  I’m here to support you on the journey.  In the meantime, I’m going to smile, post this blog, breathe deeply, and do what is necessary to enjoy the warm Maui breeze

Read the rest of this entry →

It’s time for another Guest Blog today.  This installment is a true-life story written by Danielle,  a woman who has learned to date with dignity in 2009. Her transformation is brilliant.  Her heart open.  And her intention magnificent.  Enjoy her story….

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” -Dr. Suess

I am laying on his bed, wearing his shirt and silk pajama pants. As I type my eyes wander to HIM, attentively matching socks from his clean laundry hamper. These is something quite calming and relaxing about watching his hands glide over those socks. We have just returned from a fantasy-filled, romantic road trip up Highway 1, in which we explored the California coast, meandered through castles, held hands, watched sunsets, saw the crashing waves on stunning cliffs, and discovered more about each other than we had imagined possible.  But right now, this is reality;  I am watching him fold socks.

First, some background on me.  I am 27, have been dating HIM for seven months, and am becoming a Dignity Dater, proud to be recovering from a perceptional ailment I called “FFS –Female Fantasy Syndrome.”

Ask Marni.

I had it BAD.

I’m not sure why, except I know that as a woman I  was raised with a very fantastical portrayal of how relationships should be, and in desperation of finding love I became a very needy creature who “filled in the blanks” with all things I wanted and hoped the other person to be.  What follows then are the biggest lessons I have learned in my quest to date with dignity thus far:

Read the rest of this entry →

Happy Monday Dignity Daters! I’m preparing for the tele-class tonite with Alanna Pratt and I can’t even begin to list the incredible questions that are coming in from women nationwide. From “how one can continue attracting abundance” and “what steps to take to shift energy even when things aren’t going well,” to the “best “wise woman” advice for someone in a new relationship,” we will be covering a lot of ground in this powerful hour. Click here to register now.

In the meantime, I am sure you will be deeply moved by the latest installment in Angelica’s journey. Enjoy, and Aloha.

My father died last week. My brother and I were driving through Tennessee when I got the call from my grandmother. My father was in the hospital in Ft. Lauderdale, and the hospital refused to tell us anything over the phone, saying only that it was vital that we come immediately. I’ve seen enough Grey’s Anatomy to know what that means.
Read the rest of this entry →

Here is the latest installment of the Dignity Dating Den, live from the Westin Villas in Maui, Hawaii! While I miss my co-host Christian Anderson this week, I did want to give you something to think about as you head into Christmas week. Enjoy your time off, connect with friends and family, and count your blessings. Aloha!

Aloha Dignity Daters!  I’m sitting on the Lanai this morning preparing to work with coaching clients and am confident today’s guest blog, written by nationally recognized dating expert, David Wygant, comes at the perfect time for some of you.  I love David’s no-nonsense approach, and in this blog David will help you see why it’s important to not only love yourself,  but forgive the little mistakes, and live from a place of abundance.  Enjoy…..

Dating is a process a lot of us really can live without.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that can drive you to drink four year-old bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade from the back of your refrigerator.  There are so many ups and downs in dating.

Here is a list of some of the most frustrating dating ups and downs, and how to feel better about them:

1)    We made out in the parking lot and they never called again. Making out is fun!  You needed it. They needed it.  Don’t beat yourself up that you did it, just realize you did it.  You needed some tonsil hockey and to cop a feel.  Be okay with it.  It was a great date.  You were in the moment, and you experienced something that you wanted to do.
Read the rest of this entry →

Happy Wednesday Dignity Daters! I am blessed to be enjoying vacation with my boyfriend, The Brit, my dad and his fiance. and my three daughters in Maui for the next several weeks.  That said, in an effort to be present with my family, I am excited to let you know that an incredible community of nationally recognized experts, Dating With Dignity fans, and Man Panelists will intermittently be contributing guest blogs while I am on vacation.  To kick things off, I would like to introduce you now to to the first of these blogs written by David Shade, nationally recognized sex and relationship expert.  David is the author of the acclaimed book, “Select Women Wisely,” and is currently writing “Select Men Wisely,” for which I am authoring one chapter.

Enjoy, happy holidays and Aloha!

After my nine year marriage ended in 1992, I was determined to find out what I had done wrong. Why did my marriage fail?
Read the rest of this entry →

For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a “bad” word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin’s “7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?” These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn’t get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest  behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily.  Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the “r” word.  Relationship.  Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run.  Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol’ icky.

Alert: The word, “relationship,” is, in fact, not a bad word!

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care about.  However, it must be used correctly.  Thus, it is imperative that in using the word “relationship” in conversation you remember the following guidelines:

1.  After approximately one month of dating consistently, it is appropriate to let your date know that you are  ”now in a place in your life where finding a committed, long-term relationship has become one of the values which you hold as important.” In communicating your values, you are now sharing something with your date that will enable him or her to know who you are on a deeper level.  Telling him that relationship is important to you, is akin to telling him that you place value on things like family, travel, or spirituality.  Notice this:  In using these words you are NOT telling your prospective partner that you want a relationship with him, right now.  Instead, you are merely checking in with him to open up a conversation in which you collect new information — does this person have the same value as you regarding relationship?  Thus, the world relationship is not “loaded.”  Instead, discerning if you share the same values is merely information you collect in the process of “Data Dating,” which is the time spent getting to know someone  in which you collect data about him/her while connecting through the shared experiences you have on dates together.

2.  DO not ask him if he is want to be in a “relationship.” It is true what the dating gurus say, that men will often vanish when you bring up the word relationship.   However this vanishing often occurs when you ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with you using language like, “where is this going,?”  or  ”how do you feel about us?”  Notice that in these examples you are no longer talking about values.  Instead, you are, in fact, putting him “on the spot,” as if you are demanding to know what he feels about you now, in this moment.  Don’t do this.

3.  Men are attracted to women who are confident. In sharing your value of relationship, it communicates that you are excited about this part of your life, that you hope to find love;  that you want to experience intimacy, commitment, passion and love in new, deeper ways than you have ever before.  As a result of sharing this excitement, you vibrate at a high energetic frequency.  You emanate confidence.  You know what you want.  This is hot!  Men find this attractive. And while the man with whom you are speaking might not be at this place in his life, he will know that he has attracted a smart, confident woman. And that you are someone who he can respect.  And in this, you are a person who dates with dignity.

4.  He might vanish.  So what? Dating with Dignity Man Panelists nationwide report that when a man does the “vanishing act” after he has spent time with you, it is not because he is second guessing your amazing-ness!  In fact, when he disappears it is often because he has realized that he may not be in the place to be the man he wants to be — the man who can do what is necessary to have a successful relationship.  Men need to be feel that they can confidently provide.  That they can protect the woman they are with when necessary.  If they do not feel settled, confident or able to show up as men, according to the definition they have created for themselves, they could pull back and withdraw.  A man who is emotionally mature will be able to communicate this phenomenon adeptly when it comes up in the aforementioned discussion regarding relationship readiness. Never fear.  You have attracted a man who is self-aware.  Bravo.  And, now that you have discerned that you are in different places in your lives, it is clear that it is time to move on to create space for the man who is ready to have a relationship.

5.  Take responsibility.  Ditch the “Cool Girl” mentality. It is appropriate  and necessary to have needs as well as expectations.  Stand in the power of knowing you are ready to love, to be loved whole-heartedly.  It is an exciting time, wrought with possibility.  There are men — one man –circling the universe looking for you.  Create space.  Let go of your past, the undeserved present, so he can find you. The man who will call you consistently.  His words and actions will match.  He will be excited to spend the weekend with you, longing to see again soon.  He will text you back promptly.  He will not vanish.  He is ready, a man who is not frightened, offended or terrified of the word relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

Relationship.

There, I’ve said it.  And remember,  relationship  is NOT a bad word.