Q and A Monday: How to survive a breakup with Dignity!
Hey Dignity Daters! It was another weekend of breakups and “it’s not a match,” conversations for many clients and Dating With Dignity fans. As such, the question this week revolves around skills to help you brave the unknown resultant feelings of ick that come from saying “good-bye.” First off, it’s important to know that it is, in fact, difficult to say “no,” to someone. Old patterns of creating drama to make it “easy,” must be avoided at all costs. He or she does not have to be a “jerk,” to warrant ending a relationship. Most important, once you determine if this person will not meet your long-term relationship goals, it is time to say good bye. Here are a few tips to get you through this difficult period.
1. Create a list of reasons you want to be in a relationship, then revisit it to remember why it’s important to say goodbye now, rather than later. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want a partner? Do you want to have someone with whom you can travel? Do you want to explore new levels of intimacy? Write these reasons down on a piece of paper. Once you have your list, make a choice. Is it your intention to have these things in your life sooner…or later? If you would rather have this ideal relationship sooner, recognize that saying good-bye and living through the discomfort now will ultimately bring you closer to achieving your relationship goal. Revisit this list prior to having the goodbye or “it’s not a match” discussion with your partner.
2. Grieve the loss. Remember that pain is inevitable, yet suffering is optional. What you resist, however, will persist. Thus, allow yourself to grieve. As you connect to your sadness, become aware of what messages you are hearing from the inner critic voice that lives inside us all. If your inner critic voice is saying things like, “This is the best you can do,” or “You made a mistake. You’ll never get all you want,” check in with yourself. Find a quiet space and ask yourself this question: How TRUE are these statements, really? Once you recognize that these messages come from your inner critic voice, you can disengage from them by connecting to your authentic, magnificent self. In this moment of connection, you will hear that quiet inner voice– the “who” that you REALLY are — shouting the TRUTH. It will say, “I AM worthy of a loving relationship. I am love-able, and I am loving.
3. Take ACTION to Create the Life You Love. One of the proven-successful Dating With Dignity Tools to Manifesting Love includes taking action to create a life you love via an array of methods. To begin, set goals regarding what areas of your life need attention. For example, do you want to put attention on building new social relationships, exploring your spirituality, setting intentions around health and wellness goals, career possibilities, how to have more fun and expand your enjoyment of life, or build deeper relationships with your family? Put your attention towards developing a specific plan to move forward in these areas. Once you have identified specific goals, put a plan of action into place. Join meetup.com, check out volunteer opportunities, take a yoga class, begin gardening, join one of Dating With Dignity’s new tele-Mastermind groups, (email me at datingwithdignity@gmail.com for details on trying out one month for free beginning in December) take an extension class or investigate opportunities at your local community college. Remember, thoughts, feelings and actions yield results. Feeling sad? Take positive action. Move forward. Put yourself in motion. Don’t throw yourself a pity party — there are no guests, you won’t meet anyone new, and the coffee will most likely be cold.
4. Become comfortable in your discomfort. As you grow, change and evolve on the path of self awareness, there are new levels of discomfort you will assuredly experience. Welcome them as affirmation of your development. With change comes discomfort. Become comfortable in knowing that this discomfort will pass. Take action. Go for a walk. Meditate. Read a book, watch TV or connect with a friend.
Most important, know that there is a community of Dignity Daters who support you in your struggle. On behalf of all of us, we send you love, support and light as you accept the challenges that come from wanting more fulfillment, joy, happiness and peace in your life. Bravo for taking a risk. Congratulations for saying “no,” to accepting less than you deserve, and for saying “yes” to yourself. Bravo for dating with dignity.
About The Author
Marni Battista
Other posts byMarni Battista
Author his web sitehttp://www.datingwithdignity.com
This a subject that is near and (not so ) dear to my heart….
The last woman I dated ended up in me having to take drastic action in order to get her to respond.Basically,after having an argument I told her to come and get her stuff out of my house,basically it was all in a nice pile at the front door when she arrived.Needless to say this went over like someone took a whizz in her coffee.Of course I was blamed for all of the things that were wrong in our relationship,the truth was far from that.But,here is the best part,that experience gave me the courage to follow my convictions.Sure it was tuff,it was probably the second toughest thing I have ever done.I mean come on, to give up all that drama a disfunction? Who in their right mind would think of such a thing ? lol. All of the great sex,great conversations,great experiences did not camoflage the truth.The truth is we never really had any discussions regarding real goals,setting up boundries or building real respect.The kind of respect that only comes from actually knowing someone.YES,thats right marni,you win on that point for sure
.besides,now that I know oral is part of the deal,I guess I can endure…haha But ,seriously,that relationship is a prime example of what marni is trying to convey to people in general. Jumping into the sack has as much staying power as using the toilet about 1 minute. well maybe 3.lol This last relationship was from the begining about physical attraction.We tried to take physical to the next level but somewhere between the 4th and 5th floor we got seperated.Tried to regroup on the 12th floor but inevitably our relationship plummeted to the basement.Why? all we really knew is that we had a few things in common,one of them being awesome sex,that works ,FOR A WHILE. OK besides the sex I really did have feelings for her,but ,OMG,talk about turning a blind eye and having your validaitons validated and your carpet swept under.I think we were both in need of being validated.She needed to feel loved and I needed to feel like a lover.Sounds good but trust me it was a disaster.Too much outside stuff that had been turned inside and was marinating like a weapon of mass destruction.
Am I ready to be in a relationship? I think so. I also think that there are many planets that need to align to help that process.You can certainly take a tremendous amount of the guess work out of the equation by being proactive and not reactive.There is a fine line between making it an interview and enjoying the moment.But,in reality ,not really.Its a matter of preserving your dignity in concert with seeking that which makes you feel as a real partner in a real relationship. Is my time worth enough to me so that the real issues can be addressed and we can get on with a wholfully useful relationship? Simple question,not as easy of an answer,but with a desire and an open ear and heart i think is completely attainable.
Discomfort was another word that jumped from the page here. Discomfort, that which makes one uncomfortable.usually that which makes us uncomfortable is usually the items that are beyond our circle of comfort. When challenged to go outside your comfort zone things become unfamiliar,IE they have never been dealt with.As in settling for the same dis-functional relationships. Dis functional as in not functioning..ie DEADEND But,every dead end is an opportunity to explore where we went astray .unfortunetly,actually doing that is another thing.there in lies the problem. we are creatures of habit,in this form habitial behavior only achieves one basic thing,more bad descisions.
i think dating can be fun,relationships can be incredible and break ups suck.But in all three examples there is an opportunity to get to know yourself better and improve upon your goals for the next time.After all quiting never accomplished much.Trying bares fruit once in a while and succeding is orgasmic,physically and mentally.
So………………. Dont stop trying !!
Thanks for the space
I, too, have to hand points to Marni. Last week, I was in attendance at the seminar….and though a lot of bells did not go off because I don’t have a lot of “relationship” experience, I did find myself chewing on the issue of recurring cycles and putting a stop to them.
The bottom line to my story is that I stepped out of my comfort zone and cancelled a date for which I pre-emptively saw severe red flags. It was hard at the moment, but I know that months down the line, it could be even harder – if not dangerous, if I had not “gone with my gut” before the cycle began! Now, if you care to read the rest of the story, it’s all here for ya
My recurring cycle is that I meet guys who – if they get that far – like me as a “friend” and are otherwise unavailable to me as a potential partner. BUT, in spite of blatently being told “we’re just friends”, I find myself in a belief system that if I change myself to fit thier needs, “we could be more”….such is the situation between myself and my best friend. We have been incredibly close, though, not more than friends (despite my best efforts – HA!he would never sleep with me, but there were plenty of others) but seriously….he is very good to me and I love having him in my life – even just as a friend…but he has recently met someone that he has hung up the condoms for and become “exclusive”….and as happy as I am for him, it hurts in two ways: 1) Come on…I like him and he’s got a girlfriend now! and 2) Girlfriend time trumps friend time and we haven’t hung out or talked like we used to in awhile.
So, having digressed, I’ve been pretty lonely lately. I’m trying to take the opportunity to work on making me a better me and putting out the positive vibes into the universe….and I have some good days and I have some hard days.
And I have some days that I turn to Craigslist to see who else is in the world. And on one of those days, I found Sam* (*name change to protect the innocent)…and on Saturday night, we spent two hours on the phone during which he told me that he lives in an area that most consider unsavory, he comes from a country with the 2nd highest crime level in the world, he does not drink, smoke or do drugs, but will become incredibly violent if anyone offers him drugs – though swore that is the only time, oh yes…and that he is rather promiscuous – in comparison to my lack thereof.
Frankly, I was excited to have a prospect on the horizon! And we swapped pictures and made arrangements to meet on Sunday, and I was excited.
Until Sunday morning…something about Sam* wasn’t sitting well with me. I thought it was nerves, but when I mentioned it to a friend, I was told to “go with your gut”…..I needed that reminder! I needed to stop what I was doing and listen to and trust my own opinion.
First and foremost, though we were completely flirtatious, Sam* and I discussed that we’d be going out JUST AS FRIENDS…..humm….ok…..I can deal with that…..or not…and did I want to fall into that trap BEFORE we even got started? But what really got me were the red flags: stories about growing up in the violence of his country then coming here and being attacked in supposedly safe neighborhoods, only to move to an area that most don’t consider safe, but he doesn’t pay attention….So he met my major criteria of being employed, not smoking, not drinking excessively (or so he said) and not doing drugs….but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like maybe he attracts violence….
So, between the friends thing and how easily I fall and the violence thing, I decided that it was not a good idea to go out in the first place and create my own recurring nightmare. Here is a guy who may be very nice, and I don’t mean to be judgemental if I was, but I can’t and shouldn’t have him in my life, if for no other reason than the fact that before we even swapped pictures, we agreed that we would be “just friends”. The hardest and most uncomfortable call I’ve ever made was as simple as “I need to cancel tonight. I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to send it in an email”. His simple response “Ok.”.
If he had asked, I might have said more – hopefully “It’s just not a match”, but for my first time out, I suspect I would have tried to be polite and come up with an excuse….but the fact that he didn’t offer more makes me think he may not have been as interested, either. And that is ok, too.