Hey Dignity Daters! It was another weekend of breakups and “it’s not a match,” conversations for many clients and Dating With Dignity fans. As such, the question this week revolves around skills to help you brave the unknown resultant feelings of ick that come from saying “good-bye.” First off, it’s important to know that it is, in fact, difficult to say “no,” to someone. Old patterns of creating drama to make it “easy,” must be avoided at all costs. He or she does not have to be a “jerk,” to warrant ending a relationship. Most important, once you determine if this person will not meet your long-term relationship goals, it is time to say good bye. Here are a few tips to get you through this difficult period.
1. Create a list of reasons you want to be in a relationship, then revisit it to remember why it’s important to say goodbye now, rather than later. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want a partner? Do you want to have someone with whom you can travel? Do you want to explore new levels of intimacy? Write these reasons down on a piece of paper. Once you have your list, make a choice. Is it your intention to have these things in your life sooner…or later? If you would rather have this ideal relationship sooner, recognize that saying good-bye and living through the discomfort now will ultimately bring you closer to achieving your relationship goal. Revisit this list prior to having the goodbye or “it’s not a match” discussion with your partner.
2. Grieve the loss. Remember that pain is inevitable, yet suffering is optional. What you resist, however, will persist. Thus, allow yourself to grieve. As you connect to your sadness, become aware of what messages you are hearing from the inner critic voice that lives inside us all. If your inner critic voice is saying things like, “This is the best you can do,” or “You made a mistake. You’ll never get all you want,” check in with yourself. Find a quiet space and ask yourself this question: How TRUE are these statements, really? Once you recognize that these messages come from your inner critic voice, you can disengage from them by connecting to your authentic, magnificent self. In this moment of connection, you will hear that quiet inner voice– the “who” that you REALLY are — shouting the TRUTH. It will say, “I AM worthy of a loving relationship. I am love-able, and I am loving.
3. Take ACTION to Create the Life You Love. One of the proven-successful Dating With Dignity Tools to Manifesting Love includes taking action to create a life you love via an array of methods. To begin, set goals regarding what areas of your life need attention. For example, do you want to put attention on building new social relationships, exploring your spirituality, setting intentions around health and wellness goals, career possibilities, how to have more fun and expand your enjoyment of life, or build deeper relationships with your family? Put your attention towards developing a specific plan to move forward in these areas. Once you have identified specific goals, put a plan of action into place. Join meetup.com, check out volunteer opportunities, take a yoga class, begin gardening, join one of Dating With Dignity’s new tele-Mastermind groups, (email me at email@example.com for details on trying out one month for free beginning in December) take an extension class or investigate opportunities at your local community college. Remember, thoughts, feelings and actions yield results. Feeling sad? Take positive action. Move forward. Put yourself in motion. Don’t throw yourself a pity party — there are no guests, you won’t meet anyone new, and the coffee will most likely be cold.
4. Become comfortable in your discomfort. As you grow, change and evolve on the path of self awareness, there are new levels of discomfort you will assuredly experience. Welcome them as affirmation of your development. With change comes discomfort. Become comfortable in knowing that this discomfort will pass. Take action. Go for a walk. Meditate. Read a book, watch TV or connect with a friend.
Most important, know that there is a community of Dignity Daters who support you in your struggle. On behalf of all of us, we send you love, support and light as you accept the challenges that come from wanting more fulfillment, joy, happiness and peace in your life. Bravo for taking a risk. Congratulations for saying “no,” to accepting less than you deserve, and for saying “yes” to yourself. Bravo for dating with dignity.