Dating With Dignity

The truth is this, the man (or woman) who you dream of — the one who makes your heart pitter patter, the guy who is still interested weeks later, even though you haven’t had sex, the one who calls the next day, instead of vanishing after telling you he hasn’t had this much fun in years — this guy, will not randomly end up talking to YOU at Starbucks today. Unless, that is, you have done some serious work to prepare yourself for his (or her) arrival.

That said, I hear women and men consistently tell me they are, “ready for a relationship.”  In fact, I said it myself for three years.  I told myself, friends, and family that I was really enjoying myself, having fun dating, but if the “right” guy showed up, I would totally be “open to a relationship.”

Heard that somewhere before?

The truth is, I wasn’t ready.  Not even close.  Here were the signs:

1.  I kept meeting the “wrong” guys. Let’s see, they were nice, good-looking but not wanting to make a commitment.  They were super hot, but too young, too focused on their career or super not interested in dating a divorcee with three kids.  Or, they were really nice but I wasn’t attracted to them for a myriad of reasons.  I went speed dating.  Online dating.  I had a blind date with Chuckie, who my friend’s friend said was  ”successful and amazing.” What she didn’t tell me was that Chuckie would reveal somewhere between the appetizers and entree that he  ”felt sorry” for the stripper he had been recently dating so he gave her $10,000, to help her “get back on her feet.”  Needless to say, Chuckie was not a match.  I met the 43 year old hot  guy (At Starbucks, actually)  who had a foot fetish, which only became clear to me when on our 2nd date he wanted to see my closet.  It wasn’t until I broke it off with the the nice teacher guy  I dated for three months who happened to conveniently live 400 miles away that I realized I was just not ready.  Then, the question became why.

2.  I was really enjoying my independence, something I had never experienced before, and it had become very, very safe. I had been married at 22 years old, a wife for 17 years, and had never before lived independently.  And now, I truly enjoyed being in control of my life, my children, my travel plans, the remote control, my weekends and my bedroom.  I enjoyed deciding when I would exercise. When I would see friends.  And when I would hit an evening yoga class, eat cereal, and watch 10 episodes in a row of “How I Met Your Mother.”  I remembered hearing a friend of mine tell someone she was spending her weekend sans kids traveling to her boyfriend’s parents home on the East Coast to attend a Bar Mitzvah.  I thought, “Holy cow.  This is the last thing I would ever want to do with my weekend.  ick. bleck.  ugh.”  I was not ready.

3.  I began to wonder if I enjoyed my freedom, or was just terrified of losing it. Because I had never before had an interdependent relationship, I began to fear that  it wasn’t that I enjoyed my independence, but that I was mostly afraid of losing it.  I didn’t know if I could mesh “my” life with the life of another person.  I didn’t know if I could still feel strong, secure and love myself if there were a man in my life to shlep the suitcases up the stairs or pump my gas.  I wanted a relationship, or so  I thought, but at what cost to me?  Clearly,  I wasn’t ready.

And then, suddenly, I became ready.

When my mother died it hit me.  Suddenly, I knew the truth.  She had been married to my father for 45 years.   I knew then that although hooking up with hot guys had been fun, and quite frankly developmentally appropriate for a divorcee who married at 22, and that it had been quite empowering to take my three daughters camping in the wilderness solo, this was the ultimate truth; I didn’t want to leave this planet without experiencing these things:

1. true, unconditional love
2. intimacy
3. becoming truly empowered by my vulnerability, and
4. what it would be like to participate in an interdependent partnership.

“Yikes,” I thought.  ”This is a tall order.”   Then I remembered the vision I had created for my life.  A vision I had been working on diligently since December, 2006 when I did the Hoffman Process.  I remembered how hard I had worked to become authentic, real and independent.  And I knew, that the relationship I had with built myself was now secure.  Safe.  I knew that it was now my time to become ready.

What I learned that becoming ready to be in a relationship was a process.  Hard work.  It was a time when I had to dig deep, ask for help. Get support.  And become educated.  I beefed up my investment in coaching and therapy. Attended workshops.  Did my homework.    And then, months and months later, when I had cleared my plate, the Dating Fast in full force, I knew I had truly become ready.

It was three weeks later that I met Jem, The Brit.

So then, are you ready?  Are you willing to go to any lengths–to do the work necessary to become prepared for your Starbucks moment?  Come find out next Tuesday, November 17, at a workshop I’m hosting, “5 Ways to Totally TRANSFORM Your Love Life for 2010.”  Your vision — your relationship –is waiting.  To register go to:

www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=fc72dbb45ef245f1950eb4b6caf796b0&mid=11238FCC-6C84-4640-B4D8-817E72418500&bhcp=1

It’s Monday once again, and that means it’s Q and A Day!   This week’s question came from a dignity dater in Los Angeles who wanted to follow up on something she learned during the incredible tele-class we had last week regarding the art of conversation.  During this class Briddick Webb, from Attractology.com, and I discussed how to flirt using verbal and non-verbal techniques, how to be confident when you approach someone, and guidelines to make sure you are attracting members of the opposite sex with in a dignified manner.  The recap of that class will come in  tomorrow’s blog, but in the meantime,  there was one question we didn’t answer, so here we go…

What type of conversation topics are men inclined to engage in vs. women?

Typically, when men are with men, they will discuss what they are making, fixing or achieving.  Remember, while men are clearly no longer living in caves bringing back the kill, they are still stimulated by discussing topics related to competition, adventure, and achievement. As a result, men typically enjoy  discussing sports, video games, fast cars, and those things that have an element of danger.   It is in talking about these things that they  are able to raise levels of a chemical in their brain called dopamine.  When men experience appropriate dopamine levels they are fulfilled, have energy, and need to spend less time in the “man cave.”  In addition, men are  traditionally more focused on the bottom line, in that they want to know how to resolve a situation. As a result, they are less interested in the complexity of a situation, and only want to know the essential information.  Thus, men would most likely synthesize the incident, break it into small pieces, and then focus on a possible resolution.

Conversely, in a similar situation, a group of women might spend hours discussing the details and complexity of a scenario.  Women will breakdown how it happened,  crave elaborate details about who was involved and what each person was possibly thinking, and then begin to discuss a myriad of possible solutions, elaborating on the pros and cons of each possibility.  According to Georgetown University Professor of Linguistics, Deborah Tannen,  men and women’s differing approaches to conversation begin in childhood.  Tannen states that as children, girls on the playground will choose to sit in small groups and talk whereas boys choose to play in larger activity-based groups.  In addition, Tannen points out that men typically use conversation to show or maintain status.  Women, however, want to remain the same during conversation and use words such as “maybe we could,”  or “is there any way we could,” as to not appear to aggressive.

That said, how does this effect conversation on a date?  Here are a few guidelines:

1.  Engage men by asking them about things that get them excited.  Does he like motorcycles?  Drive one?  Hope to race one someday?  What cool adventures has he had?  Get him to tell you about the trip he took with his buddies to Pakistan.  Or  how he went fishing in the snake river.  Did he risk life and limb hiking in the Grand Canyon during an unexpected snowstorm. Watch as his eyes light up, recounting the details of his adventure.  What’s more, you get to see what things get him excited.  Don’t dive into the details though, pressing him for specifics.  Ask how it turned out, allowing him to get to the exciting finale without too much delay.

2. As a women, make an effort to bring your feminine energy to the date. Stay away from a typically male conversation style in which you appear to “one-up” your date.  He went to Pakistan?  Don’t then, tell the story of how you went to Morocco and suffered far more than he did, enduring sweltering heat and far more horrid conditions. Instead, tell the story,  focus on why it was memorable.  Let him know that you enjoy adventure.  Share details, but don’t linger too long.  Remember, men can get lost in detail.  Keep him interested.  Move to the resolution of the story efficiently.

3. Mix up the type of dates you plan. While sitting in a restaurant conversing is quite comfortable and best matches the conversational style of a woman, remember that men like activity.  Go bowling.  Take a hike.  Drive the bumper cars.  Provide opportunities for the man to engage in conversation while he is active.  It will raise his dopamine levels, thus keeping him interested  and focused on you.

4.  Ask questions. Women love to be with men who are interested in details, active listeners and don’t always try to “fix” a problem or situation she is describing.  Because men are solution-oriented, however, they often want to cut to the chase, provide the solution and be heroic (Heroics raise men’s dopamine levels, making them feel good, but it mostly just makes a woman feel like you want her to stop talking if she hasn’t asked you for your opinion yet.)  Part of listening is merely being a receptive container for the other person’s thoughts and feelings.  Believing that is your job to provide a  ”fix” can often a disservice to the person who is talking.  Just listen.  Be present and ask questions when appropriate.  Be compassionate and empathetic.  If she asks for advice, lend your opinion.  If she doesn’t ask, then ask her directly if she wants your take on the situation.  If not, be supportive.  Give a hug if appropriate, and let her know you care.

It is imperative to remember that men and women’s conversational styles are different.  Be confident, and most importantly,  don’t personalize each thing that your date says.  Instead, a date is the perfect opportunity to practice engaging in “curious conversation,” an interaction in which listening is often more important than talking.

Have more dating questions for next week?  Send them now to datingwithdignity@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out the Dating With Dignity events coming to Los Angeles next week.  If you want to increase your confidence, and  learn how to take control of your dating life to get the results YOU want in 2010, make sure you register now for the workshop November 17, “5 Tools to TOTALLY Transform Your Love Life in 2010.”    Event details and registration here:  http://datingwithdignity.com/events/

It’s almost Thanksgiving time, and while I’m clearly thinking about turkey, time with family and the drive to Scottsdale where my family lives, I am also thinking about how gratitude has helped transform my life. One of the Dating With Dignity foundation principles involves the awareness that “like attracts like,” meaning that it is imperative to become aware of how your negative thoughts and beliefs will impact who you are meeting when you are out searching for a potential partner. Thinking that “all women in LA are flakes,” or that “all men won’t stay with me unless I sleep with them straight away,” will, in fact, ensure that those are the people whom you are attracting into your life. Why? Because, “like attracts like.”

“Fine,” you say. “I’ll buy it.” But then, you ask, “What’s next?” How does one simply change their beliefs if they think, in their heart of hearts, that these thoughts and the accompanying feelings are the TRUTH. It’s a tricky challenge, but there are several things you can do today to begin shifting your thoughts, create positive, healing, anabolic energy, and start to attract what you WANT into your life, instead of those things and people you don’t want.

STEP 1: Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Start each day by thinking of those things for which you are grateful. Life sucks these days? Don’t despair. How about starting with the fact that you woke up, are breathing and are blessed enough to have the physical health to stand up and walk to the toilet. Throughout the day, remember to adopt this positive attitude. Have a nifty wireless device? Go to your “notes” section whenever things go wrong, and jot down something for which you are grateful. No nifty device? No worries. How about using a small notebook and pen? Carry it with you, put it in your car, and begin to focus on the positive! At the end of the day review your list, take pause to acknowledge those things for which you are grateful, and end the day.

STEP 2: Do something NICE for someone else. To begin feeling good about yourself and your life it is imperative you step outside yourself and possible victim-like thinking. Here are a few easy suggestions to positively impact the life of a fellow human being:

1. See a parking meter running low while you’re out during errands? Throw in a quarter or dime! Giving this anonymous gift will surely be appreciated, plus it will most likely make you feel good, and prevent someone else from experiencing frustration.

2. Do you ever find yourself in the grocery line with dozens of items while the person behind you has just a few? Invite him or her to go ahead of you. Smile, and enjoy his/her gratitude at your kindness.

3. Want to be really crazy, nice? When you are driving, let someone turn in front of you, stop for a pedestrian, or give someone else the primo parking place, even if you are looking for one too.

STEP 3: Begin to practice connecting to what is important to you. Try meditation, yoga or taking time to sit quietly in a safe, sacred space once per day. For additional support in learning how to do this effectively, email me at DatingWithDignity@gmail.com and I will send you a downloadable MP3 called “The Deep Centering Technique” I have recorded which will help you focus inward, meditate on the abundance you do have in your life, and help you begin to raise your energetic levels. The long-term result of practicing these principles over the next four weeks? A new outlook which will ultimately enable you to attract positive, quality men and women into your life as you walk the road to finding love, plus increased fulfillment in all areas of your life.

Remember, in taking responsibility for your attitude, thoughts, feelings and actions you can begin to CREATE unlimited happiness. Try it. Not only will you feel better, more fulfilled and increase your self esteem, but you will ultimately begin to move towards finding long-term love and relationship.

It was a weekend filled with many questions from clients and DWD fans, and I would love to have Mondays be my official Q and A day.  So, if you have a question, shoot me an email at DatingWithDignity@gmail.com and I will begin to answer them on Mondays.  Here are two to get us started!

Question #1: Is there a way to sleep with a man, and keep your dignity? To answer this question thoroughly requires that you have an awareness about a few of the  Dating With Dignity Tools, and how they help you date with dignity.  While an in-depth examination of this question requires time and coaching, you can begin now by asking yourself one primary question:  ”What is my relationship goal?”  When answering this question, make sure you are specific and clear.  For example. I am looking to find a man with whom I can have children and marry.  Or, I am looking for a woman who doesn’t want kids, and wants a committed relationship but does not require that we be married.  Or, I would like to have a casual, sexually exclusive relationship with someone whom I date 2-3 times per week.   Or last, I am looking to have some safe, honest fun because I know I am not ready to make a commitment.

Once you know what you are looking for, then you can begin to make discerning decisions that are in harmony with your relationship goals.  If you have a relationship goal and vision in which you are in an exclusive, committed relationship then the Dating With Dignity guideline is to adhere to “The Rule of 60–Days, that is,” meaning that you do not have intercourse with someone you are dating for a minimum of 60 days.  For the inside scoop on this, ask me for a copy of the latest Man Panel teleconference at datingwithdignity@gmail.com.  Put “MAN PANEL” in the subject line.  This recording will let you hear, first hand, why men believe women who are girlfriend material will say no when it comes to having sex.  Ultimately, however, it is ONLY you who knows what situations put you are at risk for waking up feeling that you made a bad choice.  If you are looking for a committed relationship but have an open, honest relationship with Mr. Quality Casual, and you choose to have sex with him or her, make sure you are most importantly, honest with yourself.  Can you really have “no strings attached” sex, or is too difficult for you to compartmentalize.  Again, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, my best advice is to hold out on having sex.  You will not only preserve your dignity but increase the chances that Mr. Right will get to know and value you for WHO you are, not what you “put out.”

Question #2:  What is the difference between, “just not that into me,” and “just not into a relationship?” Ultimately, you must go back to question #1 and decide what it is you are looking for. If you are looking for a relationship, know that if a man who you have been dating does not call or ask you out for the upcoming weekend (or, if you are a man, your phone call goes unreturned or she says she is busy this weekend), chances are he or she is not into having a relationship with YOU, or perhaps with anyone at this time.  The bottom line is this:  stop wondering why he or she didn’t call, and begin to recognize that by saying no to these type of men and women you are creating space in your life; space in which there is now room for someone who is INTO YOU, and into a having a relationship to come into your life.