Archive for October, 2009
Should you ignore your ex on Facebook?
Facebook fighting has become more problematic than breakups via text. Oh dear…remember when life was simple, and Carrie Bradshaw went on a pot-smoking bender because Berger broke up with her on a Post-It Note? Nevertheless, it is imperative then when it comes to Facebook and relationship, you must be dignified, appropriate and drama-free. Here are a few simple guidelines to follow:
1. Friending the ex? As is the case with all exes, you must first determine whether or not both parties no longer have feelings for one another. Perhaps you are over John, but if John has not let go of the possibility that one day you will return his undying love, it is best that John not be your Facebook friend. If he is an avid Facebook fan, it will not help is ability to move on when he sees the mobile upload you posted from the date enjoyed at the farmer’s market with your latest boyfriend. If however, the ex is currently in a relationship, is happy and you are confident that gin and tonics will never lead to sex, then rest assured you can friend John.
2. Don’t send friend requests to men you want to date. Don’t kid yourself, sending a friend request to Brad, the guy you met at the bar, hiking trail or at the gym does not help your long-term chances of being asked on a date. Let Brad pursue you, friend you, Myspace you and most definitely, IM you first. If Brad does IM you, accept and then keep the conversation short. The goal is to get Brad to ask you out on a date, via the phone. If Brad lures you in via IM, he can happily chat with you, his three other friends, watch Sportscenter AND check his email. Not good. You want Brad’s full attention. Say hi. Chat for 1-2 minutes, and politely say good bye. Important, log off. You won’t want Brad to think you snubbed him, and most importantly, don’t you have something better to do with your time?
3. Be bold. Remove the relationship status information from your profile. If you are dating, you don’t want someone to make any assumptions about your relationship status from your profile on Facebook. Be dignified. Let him ask you if he must know. And, quite frankly, if he has friended you he should know your status because you met in person prior to becoming Facebook friends. I know I’m going out on a limb here, but remember that random Facebook stalkers need not know your relationship status. Let them ask directly. Finally, if you begin dating someone you like, and would like to become exclusive, the status issue becomes benign if it isn’t there to begin with. Having a conversation about exclusivity is challenging enough without having to ask if it’s “time” to change your status from “single,” to “in a relationship.”
Oy. Enough said.
08
10 2009
How do “The Bachelor,” “Dr. McDreamy,” and “Shrek” Squash Your Chances of Finding Love in 2009?
When it comes to finding love, there is no worse enemy then the romance movie, reality television, and the notion that Prince Charming exists. As little girls we are raised to believe in certain notions of romance, and thus spend the rest of our tweens, teens and adulthood trying to fit our experiences with men into the fantasy relationships on which we feed daily. Who amongst us hasn’t fantasized that maybe we WERE meant to fall in love with our best male friend? Who hasn’t hoped this time, in fact, we will turn out to be like “Gigi,” the character from, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” who discovers that even though she is exceptionally annoying AND inappropriate, the cute guy falls head over heels in love with her. Or, perhaps, maybe you’re just pissed your boyfriend didn’t run down the street in his boxers when you slammed the door, storming out of his apartment pissed as hell.
The Solution
Dating With Dignity is hosting a LIVE Ask the Expert event for men and women who are single or in relationship on Monday, October 12 from 7pm-9pm. Featuring Stanford University’s Manager of Relationship and Sexual Health Programs, Donnovan Somera Yisrael, M.A., this seminar will reveal key secrets you must know to effectively combat media and societal expectations to date successfully in the 21st century.
Somera Yisrael learned through his provocative work that men and women repeatedly engage in risky and counter-productive behaviors due to their unhealthy need to derive feelings of acceptance and love from others. He also discovered, in fact, that these feelings and the resultant behaviors are mostly influenced by the internalized messages people receive about what “rules and roles” they must follow to “catch” and “keep” someone with whom they want to pursue a relationship. From Shakespear to Britney Spears, media creates expectations that lead to frustration, disappointment and no-win situations for those who are trying to find long-term love.
You will also hear the Dating With Dignity point of view as I challenge Somera Yisrael regarding whether or not “game” playing is required to be a successful dater in the 21st century. Is it appropriate to strengthen your femininity to empower men? Should you lower your expectations if, in fact, there is no such thing as Prince Charming? Is it really inevitable to let the passion in your relationship wane?
In addition, this evening will enable you to enjoy company of like-minded singles interested in finding love, an open bar and light appetizers. To register for this incredible thought-provoking evening, go to the events page of this website.
We look forward to seeing you next Monday.
07
10 2009
Is Your Man Pulling Away?
The Problem:
Do you often feel like men pull away, just when things are beginning to get good. Unfortunately, the common reaction to this pull is for women to push. Hard. They feel as if they must try every new thing they can to draw their man back into the relationship.
A Solution:
By developing a greater understanding of the neurochemistry that influences men to stay committed and engaged in your relationship you can stop struggling to keep your man interested. Here’s how:
1. Realize that most men are motivated, excited and happy when their dopamine levels are high. Among other things, low dopamine levels can cause depression, poor attention and focus, and loss of satisfaction. When men do not engage in activities that raise dopamine levels, they are less interested in you, the relationship, or meeting your needs. Once you notices these signs (the pull), you can take specific action to help your man to raise his dopamine levels.
2. Understand what causes dopamine to fall. Dopamine levels can fall due to poor nutrition and sleep, caffeine and alcohol. Unnaturally high levels of stress can also reduce the amount of dopamine in men’s body. Consider if one of these conditions are prominent in your man’s life recently.
3. Help your man raise his dopamine levels. Certain foods such as almonds, dairy products, bananas, and certain seeds such as sesame and pumpkin can help your guy raise his dopamine levels. In addition, encourage him to engage in competitive, adventurous action-oriented activities to raise his dopamine levels. Tell him to spend time with friends. Play Xbox. Watch sports. Or to go surfing, running or play basketball. In short, provide your man with opportunities to spend time in his “man cave” to move back to hormonal equilibrium. Once you encourage your man to take time for himself, he will be more motivated to provide you with what you need.
Once you understand that neurochemistry can impact mood swings and each partner’s willingness to have healthy, optimistic and cooperative feelings, you can stop “pushing” to ensure that your partner maintains an effective equilibrium.
