My Life Would Suck Without You?

fighting-couple I hosted an incredibly insightful dinner party last night with the Dating With Dignity support team, most of whom are men. In attendance were Christian Anderson, one of your favorite man panelists, Jason Miller, my web designer who is a self-described “Muni,” (he jokingly says he delivers a scroll on which the disclaimer is written on the first date), Chris, a former hunter who turned legit boyfriend last summer, and Mat Boggs, my business coach and creator of the thought-provoking seminar, “6 1/2 Secrets to Cracking the Man Code.” In addition to general banter surrounding the ins and outs of internet marketing, the conversation turned to dating and relationships.

Once again, I was able to reconfirm the number one thing men are CRAVING for when it comes to relationship — a woman who is confident, secure and feminine. They are, in fact, clear on one thing; a woman who, despite her beauty, good humor, kindness and tight butt, needs excessive reassurance is someone who quickly becomes an albatross. These men, who are all incredibly smart, ambitious, talented and handsome, are searching for a woman who loves herself so deeply that she never depends on validation from her partner to make her feel lovable, worthwhile and attractive.

As it is, in fact, my mission to teach women and men to love themselves so that they can attract someone to love, here are a few “signs” you most likely need to focus your efforts on yourself before you embark on a journey towards loving someone else.

1. You ask questions like, “Does this make me look fat,” “Why did you do (or say) that?,” or “Do you still love me?” The Dating With Dignity men joked that these questions, which are commonly asked by women in relationships, are among the most annoying questions a women can ask. They called them a complete, “turn off,” and lamented over the fact that what is most frustrating is there are no answers to these questions that a woman finds acceptable. Stop asking. If your clothes are too tight, you know it. And, unless the few pounds has turned into twenty, the DWD men agreed that they can’t tell if the cookies you ate last night made you feel bloated. Last, don’t ask a man if he loves you. Ever. Words and actions must match. If your man has told you he loves you but begins to pull away, there is a better way to check in on his feelings towards you. And, asking “why” he did or said something makes him feel defensive and childlike. You are not his mother, you are his lover.

2. You say things like, “Just hold me,” even though your man has been spending time with you being affectionate, cuddling and/or giving you attention. Mat Boggs describes it perfectly in his “Cracking the Man Code” Seminar when he states that men need short, attainable goals to feel successful. Men want to please women, in fact, they need to feel like they are your Knight in Shining Armor to keep on keepin’ on. That said, when he does his best to give you attention, holds on to you while you watch Entourage or Monday Night Football, or reads his book nearby while you give yourself a manicure, let him go away when he needs his space. If you are constantly criticizing him and tell him it’s “not enough” he will want to hide long-term. Instead, settle into the time you are together, be present in the moment, and then encourage him to go play Playstation or watch videos on YouTube when you are done with your nails, the show is finished or it’s halftime.

3. You are jealous and weirded out when you see issues of “HFM,” “Maxim,” or “Playboy” in his bedroom, or see old pictures of him with his girlfriend. The truth is, your man had an entire life before you met him. It included ex-lovers, ex-girlfriends, and an array of females who are still his friends. A woman who is threatened by these relationships, past and present, is at risk of turning-off the man with whom they are in love. Your man left those relationships for a reason, and if he consistently shows he loves you, then you have no reason to fear the past. His friends, male and female, are simply not threats.

4. You relate to songs like, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” “No Air,” and “Lost Without Your Love.” The truth is, that when you love yourself and have created an amazing life that is interdependent with your partner’s life, you don’t think your life would suck without him. While you would be appropriately heart broken to lose an important relationship, you know in your heart that “you will survive,” and that even without him your life is truly awesome. You can, then, in fact, breathe when he is no longer your boyfriend, and you will not be lost without his love. When you have a deep sense of self, confidence, a community of friends, a profession you find fulfilling and self love, your life never sucks. Ever.

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mike #

11.19.2009 16:14
1
ok I can totally relate this blog as it relates to my ex:

I have never met a more self loathing,self fulfilling prophecy of doom, EVER.I was constantly having to reassure her of my love.I guess being attentive to her every need was not enough.And in the process I became ever deeper on the path to endless and unapprciated gestures of love and caring.Yikes, that was a bit scary,the harder I tried the more she seemed to get insecure.Clearly she had never had a BF like me, EVER.In retrospect I had never had a gf like her either I did indeed play a part in this drama and fully except my part in allowing it to continue (although not for long). I have definetly learned alot from this experience and will work on not attracting this sort of person into my life ever again.

I remeber waking up a few times to go take care of something,letting her sleep.Only to have her wake up searching my where abouts and usually saying something like”where were you I dont like to wake up alone” or”everytime I wake up alone when I am in a relationship,my bf is cheating on me” Gulp,yikes,get the nets.lol

On the subject of ex’s I was actually the one who was uncomfortable she made sure to give me a run down of every sexual encounter,every 3 way , 4 way, 10 way, so in that respect she was just trying to f with my head,another example of self sabotage on her part. I mean I get it your not a virgin, do I have to know which number I had in the anal sex lineup? As for my ex’s there wasnt any scandelous information to share ,this only made her more suspicious of my past….blah blah blah…..I have always been fairly selective so sorry folks no juicy details about orgys with 20 playboy bunnies in the grotto,I mean i wouldent turn it down, but, never happened

I actually am grateful I went out with this woman,she taught me so much about boundries and acceptable behaviour.That without the frame of reference that she bestowed upon me it would have made it even more difficult to appreciate what my true potential is.In her case looks were not everything,sexuality was not everything. The truth was that I needed a wake up call,there are no free lunchs,The stars will usually align when you are in syncronis orbit within yourself ,not someone elses. yes ,there can be an alignment accross basic initial interpretations of who you are dating ,but given time the cracks will show.You must be in a position to understand,process and accept that information.Is it a match or is it not a match. No one likes to be alone,not really.But is it not better to be alone then be denied on an emotional and physical level that you deserve? There was a funny line the other night went something like this, “sick goes to sick”..perhaps a bit generalized but you get the point,or do you? lol I also liked the point that being proactive is empowering and being reactive is self victimizing. Very important points. and not lost on me.

As for the last and most important part of this blog #4.

This is such an important paragraph,you do indeed need to love yourself first,you need to be able to see clearly to what your aspirations and goals are across many areas in your life. It would seem to me without these things you are hoping to hit the lottery. I mean its possible ,but so is flying without wings.In fact It reminds that while flying without wings is possible,that it is not likely to have a pleasant outcome or recommended.

“When you have a deep sense of self, confidence, a community of friends, a profession you find fulfilling and self love, your life never sucks”.

that sounds like a fantastic goal. Ever feel like your existnce is a bit rudderless? Like getting in a boat and heading for hawaii with no way of navigating other then going with your feelings? Note to self: BAD IDEA

You know I have to say,when you are open to learning and understanding yourself,anything is possible.You dont need validation from others,you are capable of validating yourself. Taking stock in what you want from a relationship and your ability to stick to the course are vital in the pursuit of all things that are positive and rewarding.

I was under the impression that it was much easier then that. If I had been practicing these principles for my whole life then they would have come to me as natural as breathing.But,in order to appreciate what you have you have to endure a measure of failing and perseverance.In the end the reward is a strong person who not only deserves the best of what life has to offer but attracts those people,places and things which continue to cultivate and nurture that desire.

The lesson is a universal one. With no boundries on subject matter.

Thanks for the space to share